Tell Me More
by aannikaa
Summary: Lily Evans starts Hogwarts as a fifth year, after being homeschooled due to her ill mother. The summer before, she has a whirlwind romance with a hazel-eyed boy named James Potter. Upon arriving at Hogwarts she discovers he is none other than the arrogant bully who has tormented her best friend Severus for years. Can James win Lily over again or will he lose her forever?
1. Summer Loving

**Author's Note:** I got this idea last night to do a Lily/James story with a Grease twist. This is only the first chapter and I promise that upcoming ones will be longer and contain a lot more action with much less backstory, but I thought it was necessary to get all the background stuff in, especially since a lot of the story doesn't follow canon. I hope you like it, please review and tell me what you think!

* * *

"I can't believe we have to say goodbye tonight," Lily Evans whispered to the hazel eyed boy lying next to her in the grass. "This summer has been perfect, James. I don't want it to end."

"I don't either," he sighed, rolling onto his side to face her. "After spending two months with you school sounds like torture. All the studying and classes," he flashed her a lopsided grin, "and none of the other girls are as pretty as you."

"Oh, other girls, huh?" Lily cocked an eyebrow and shoved him playfully in the chest.

"You know, Lils, a man has needs," he said mockingly, still smiling at her. "Though you may have ruined me for anybody else."

"Shut up," she snorted and shoved him again. "You are not a _man_ ; you're not even sixteen yet."

"I'm old enough to know that you're the most amazing person I've ever met," James said, his smirk giving way to a more serious expression as he watched her. "And I'm old enough to know I'd do anything for you, Lily Evans, because I can't imagine life without you."

Lily didn't say anything, just pressed her mouth firmly against his and then curling up into his chest. They lapsed into comfortable silence, his arm snaked around her waist and hugging her close to his side.

"What's your school like?" Lily asked suddenly, craning her neck to look at him. James tensed. After several seconds he slowly said "Er—not bad, I suppose. Yours?"

Lily sighed and rolled onto her back to stare at the clouds. "I'm starting at a new one this year. It'll be my first time going to a real school since I was eleven."

"Right, you mentioned you were homeschooled."

Lily nodded again. "Mum was too ill and insisted that I stay home with the family instead of going to the boarding school I'd been intending to go to."

"Which boarding school?" he asked, running the tips of his fingers up and down her arm.

"Just this little all-girls school in the middle of nowhere," Lily said quickly, biting her lip. "You've probably never heard of it. But tell me about yours a little more. You said it's some catholic school off in Scotland, right?"

"Right," James said, his fingers still trailing up and down her arm. "Well, it's not too bad. Actually, it's rather brilliant if I'm being honest." He glanced at her and flashed a lopsided grin. "The classes can be difficult but that's to be expected. But my three friends—the ones I told you about—they're all there and we have quite a bit of fun."

"Oh?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "What kind of fun?"

"Sneaking into the kitchens at midnight and stealing food before going for a nighttime stroll of the grounds fun," James chuckled.

Lily rolled her eyes before leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. Afterwards, she curled up against him once again and sat in silence. Her stomach and head both felt as though they held a twenty pound weight. She glanced at James, lying peacefully beside her watching the clouds languish across the sky, and sighed. She wanted to tell him so badly where she would really be going to school. To let him know that tomorrow morning she would be traipsing across King's Cross station with a heavy trunk filled with spellbooks and potions ingredients and plain black robes. She wanted to share her excitement with him that tomorrow, after four years of being tutored at home, she would finally be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

But she couldn't share that with this lovely bespectacled boy with the lopsided grin. Lily thought back sadly to the many conversations she had had with her teacher, Dorcas Meadows, about the Statute of Secrecy.

"Remember," Dori had told her sternly, her round face scrunched into a scowl. "You can never, ever reveal the magical world to a muggle. Only immediate family can know and, if the time comes, a spouse. But that's all. Do you understand?" Lily had nodded quickly, thinking she would never find someone who would tempt her to reveal her secret.

Yet, as these things happen, that very someone had waltzed into her life shortly after. James' family was staying in Cokeworth for the summer, though why anyone would spend a summer in Cokeworth, Lily had no idea. It was a rather dull town, full of factories and middle-class families. But in the end she didn't care why the Potters had chosen Cokeworth because James was the very best thing that had happened to her since she had met Severus. They spent nearly every day together, eating ice cream and swimming and lying in the grass telling stories and jokes and their biggest fears and their happiest memories. In her fifteen years, Lily had never felt so entirely connected to another person. She wondered sometimes if it was fate.

Lily watched a particularly low cloud waltz across the sky's blue canvas and wondered what would happen if she sat up right that moment and told James everything: how she could do magic, how Severus had revealed to her a world full of marvelous things like giants and unicorns and potions, how she hadn't been able to go to Hogwarts because her mother was so ill but a kind man named Professor Dumbledore had arranged so a magical tutor named Dori Meadows arrived every day to teach Lily the things she would have learned at school. For a moment, she longed to take out her wand from its hiding place in her bedroom and show him how she could summon objects from across the house and change a teacup into a couch and develop photographs so that the people moved. It pained her there was an entire facet of her which he wasn't allowed to know.

But no, Lily shook her head to herself. She couldn't tell him any of that. Not yet, at least. Dori's warning stayed in the back of her mind as she glanced back at the cloud and tried to concentrate on enjoying the day.

The summer had begun innocently enough. James had been new to town and didn't know a soul; Lily had been lonely as her only friend was spending the summer with friends in London and she was still reeling from her mother's recent death. After meeting early in the summer, Lily and James quickly became inseparable. She showed him her private hideouts and slowly opened up, telling him about her rocky relationship with her sister and how empty she felt since her mother died. He returned this by becoming equally vulnerable, telling her about his elderly father's declining health and his worries about what he would do when he finished school. He never spoke much about his school or what his parents did for a living or what kind of job he wanted to get, but he told her all about his friends, and how they were the greatest people in the world. He told her about how his parents had always wanted another child but had not been able to have any more and he worried he wouldn't be able to meet their expectations. He told her all of this, but she always felt there was something he was keeping from her. She didn't push it; after all, she had her own secret to protect.

That summer had been the best one of Lily's life. James managed to make even dreary Cokeworth fun. He made Lily feel light and happy and entirely disconnected from all the ugliness which had infiltrated her life. He made her forget how much she missed her mum and how angry she was at her sister for being so horrid. He calmed her in a way Severus never could. Lily chewed her lip and ignored the twisting in her stomach whenever she thought back to her best friend. She had not told Severus about James; he was always so jealous of other boys and the last thing she wanted was a row. Likewise, she had not told James about Severus, not wanting to encourage any possible jealousies and not wanting him to question where her friend was and where he went to school.

Severus had been sending her letters once a week, filling her in on what to expect at Hogwarts. She would be sorted into a house, he told her, though they might not do that in front of everyone seeing as she wasn't a first year. He told her about his house, Slytherin, and how she would fit in perfectly. He told her of the different teachers and she mentally compared them to Dori, whom she adored. He assuaged her fears of being made fun of for growing up in a muggle family, telling her nobody would mind in the least. He told her about his friends and about a group of boys called the Marauders, whom he loathed.

 _You'll see for yourself when you get there._ He wrote. _They're awful. Arrogant, obnoxious. They really think they own the entire school. I'll point them out to you on the train and then you'll know to stay away._ Lily sighed to herself a bit; she had really hoped that going to a magical school would mean not having to deal with arrogant berks. Even the prospect of meeting the Marauders, though, didn't dim Lily's excitement to finally go to Hogwarts. The idea of being able to use her magic anytime she wished and not being forced to hide in the house when she wanted to practice a new spell or attempt a difficult potion made her want to jump around and scream in delight. Hogwarts would be wonderful, Lily concluded happily at the end of every letter, the Marauders be damned.

Yes, Lily thought, Hogwarts would be wonderful, though she was rather sad that going to school meant leaving James behind. But even that, she decided, was a good problem to have. She was finally going to attend the school she had been dreaming of since she turned eleven, and she had found a boy who made life joyful and exciting. Really, Lily thought to herself as she snuggled closer to James in the grass, she was incredibly lucky.

* * *

They said a tearful goodbye that night and promised not to forget each other and to write often, though Lily knew the chances of her being able to regularly send mails via muggle post were almost nonexistent. Still, she kissed him enthusiastically goodbye and later laid in bed, dreaming happily of James. Maybe, she thought, just maybe, he would wait for her. She could finish Hogwarts and get a job in the wizarding world. Something to do with charms, she thought, or potions. She was good at those two subjects. She would get a job and then find him and they would live together and get married and then, finally, Lily could tell him everything. This wonderful boy who knew her better than anybody else would finally see the real her.

* * *

The morning of September 1st arrived. Lily and her father, who had agreed to drive her down to King's Cross in order to see her off, walked together down Platform 9 ¾ both gaping at the scene around them.

"I'm sorry Tuney couldn't make it," Mr. Evans said quietly, glancing sideways at Lily. "I know she'll miss you."

"Okay," Lily whispered, ignoring the tears leaking out of her eyes at the memory of Petunia standing in the kitchen mere hours ago, refusing to accompany them to the station and saying Lily was a disgrace to their mother's memory for running off so quickly to her "freak school."

They stopped in front of the scarlet steam engine as a whistle sounded.

"Well," Mr. Evans said, giving Lily a small smile. "Goodbye, Lilybean. Have a good term."

"Bye, Daddy," Lily said, reaching out and wrapping her arms around him. She buried her face in his chest, which smelled of gasoline and cigarette smoke, as it always did. She breathed in deeply and swallowed the lump in her throat before letting go.

Mr. Evans looked down at her and patted her on the back, his face relaxing into a faraway expression. "Make your mum and I proud, darling."

"I will," Lily nodded. Mr. Evans gave her one more squeeze and then, with a rather wobbly smile,

turned and walked towards the barrier that would take him back to the muggle world.

Now standing alone on the crowded platform, clutching her trunk and her owl Hera's cage, Lily found herself swallowed up by the crowd of people: returning students lounging about talking to friends, frantic parents saying goodbye and doling out last minute reminders. She suddenly felt as terrified as the small eleven-year-olds looked until she spotted a skinny, sallow boy with shoulder length black hair standing further down the platform.

"Sev!" she called, running towards him and waving her arms wildly. "Sev! Severus, it's me!" He turned and caught sight of her, his mouth curling into a smile.

"You made it," he said, returning her quick embrace.

"Yes," she said breathlessly. "It's wonderful. But I'm—I mean I don't—" He stared at her before comprehension dawned on him.

"Right, you must be nervous. Want to get on the train and find a compartment?"

"Yes, that would be lovely," she whispered, turning to follow him onto the train.

Severus helped her hoist her trunk and Hera onboard and they set off down the corridors, looking for an empty compartment. Lily drank the entire scene in. All these people, she realized, were just like her. They could do the same strange things she could and knew all about magic and potions and fantastic creatures. Feeling as though she were floating, Lily followed Severus blindly as he searched for empty seats. Her mind was far away from the train, too busy picturing the castle he had described so many times for her.

"Lily?" a voice broke through her reverie and she shook her head in confusion. She must have begun to daydream. That voice was all too familiar. She had listened to it all summer and just the sound of it brought butterflies to her stomach and goosebumps to her skin.

"Lily? Is that you?" it came again, shock and disbelief evident in every syllable. She turned around slowly and was met by a familiar mop of black hair and a pair of wonderful, sparkling hazel eyes. Her jaw dropped. She was not dreaming.

" _James?_ "

* * *

Edited: 09/29/2016


	2. Tears on my Pillow

**Author's Note** : Wow, thanks so much to everyone who followed this story and to StrawberryLemonTea for the review! Here's chapter two, I hope you like it!

Lily spent the entirety of her ride on the Hogwarts Express shut up in a compartment with a furious Severus. It seemed her best friend was intent on humiliating and interrogating her. His dark eyes flashed as she blushed and stared at her shoes, not wanting to sully her wonderful memories of James by sharing them with Severus, who clearly did not approve of her choice in summer companions.

"I'm gone for one summer and I come back to find you've been shacking up with Potter all summer?" Severus spat furiously at her, his face white. "For Merlin's sake, Lily, I never took you to be such a brainless slag!"

"I am not!" she bit out, her temper flaring at his insults. "I don't know what your problem with the whole thing is, Sev! You were gone, I was lonely, he's very nice and incredibly fit—"

"Shut up," he growled. "Shut up, shut up! It was an act, you don't know him at all!"

"I think I know him a damn sight better than you do!"

"Oh really?" he laughed mirthlessly, his black eyes boring into her green ones. "I can just imagine all the stories he must have told you. How _hard_ his life is, how _tiring_ it is being one of the greatest prats to walk the earth."

"He said nothing of the sort," Lily retorted. "And for your information, Sev, he does have his own problems, though I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about them."

"What," he sneered. "Are his parents too enamored with him? He's so spoiled he just doesn't know what to do with himself? He feels lousy because he's so rich he doesn't know what to do with all his money? Everybody just bows down at his feet and he's uncomfortable with the popularity? Give me a break. It was all bullocks, whatever he told you."

"No it wasn't!" Lily cried, her voice rising shrilly. "It wasn't! He told me about his family and the pressure he's under—"

"He's a prick, Lily!"

"You're wrong, Sev!"

"You wouldn't know—"

"Then tell me!" she burst out. "What is so bad about him? What's wrong with him? God, why can't you just be happy for me that I finally found a wonderful boy who understands me? And now, I was so worried about having to keep this secret from him and I find out I don't have to and I'm thrilled, Sev, why do you have to ruin this?"

Severus made a disparaging noise, his lip curling into a grimace.

"Believe me, Lily, he doesn't deserve you. He's a git."

"How so?" she demanded.

He sighed and slumped slightly in his seat.

"Do you remember how I told you about that group of boys I hate, the Marauders? The ones who always call me a slimeball, and pour hiccoughing potion in my pumpkin juice in the morning and think they're so bloody wonderful because they're talented and popular and good at quidditch?"

Lily nodded, her stomach tightening. She had heard countless stories over the years of the four boys' cruelties towards her friend. She agreed they were horrible to him, and for no reason other than they were in a rivaling house. She thought of how angry she had felt on Sev's behalf whenever she heard these stories.

"That was…it's James? Who does that, I mean?" she whispered.

"Yes," Severus glared at her, the anger settling into the lines of his face. "And you-you let him—"

"Sev, I didn't know."

"But you still—"

"I didn't know!" Lily snapped. "Obviously if I had known who he was I never would have—they've been so awful to you. But—I don't know-he was so sweet and caring and understanding and he made me feel—"

"He's a prick, Lily."

"Are you sure it's him?" she asked, her eyes widening desperately. "I mean James Potter can't be all that uncommon of a name. Maybe—"

"It's him," Severus muttered, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at her. "I think I would know him by now."

"Right," Lily sank down, resting her head against the window. "You would."

Severus didn't answer, only straightened in his seat and stared accusingly.

"Sev," Lily said quietly, feeling as though someone had taken a bat and slammed it into her stomach. "You know I would never knowingly do something like that to you."

"I know you wouldn't," he grunted, relaxing slightly. "I just can't believe—"

"Stop saying that," Lily cut in, frowning.

"Sorry. It's just—Potter—of all people—he's one of the biggest gits—"

"I know that now," Lily sighed. The words sickened her. The idea that he, that _her_ James could have done those things, been so cruel, it hurt.

"Are you absolutely sure he—"

"I'm sure." Severus' face was hard, his eyes unforgiving. Lily's hope crumbled as she stared at him. He was her best friend, she knew her loyalty would lie with him. But it was James they were talking about. James, who had stayed up with her all night talking about his insecurities and his worries, the one who had listened to her cry about her mother and who had patted her back and told he everything would be alright. The idea that that James Potter could be the same one who had constantly bullied her best friend—it couldn't be so.

"But Sev—"

"If you want to go and cozy up to one of the gits who has made my life hell for the last four years be my guest."

"You know I wouldn't—I just—I can't believe it."

"Well it's true," Severus stared at her, narrowing his eyes. "You have to choose, Lily. Me or him."

"Well, oh—obviously I choose you, Sev." Lily glanced up and tried to ignore the tears welling up in her eyes. :"You're my best friend."

"Good," he gave her a small smile, his face relaxing as he scooted closer to her on the bench.

"It's just—this is a lot to learn all at once," she continued, ignoring Severus' disparaging noise and eye roll. "I really thought he was amazing this summer."

Severus straightened and put an arm awkwardly around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said. "I know he can be convincing when he wants to suck up, I've watched him do it. It's part of his charm. Everyone loves James bloody Potter. But now you know what he really is. It's for the best, really."

"I suppose you're right," Lily sighed, trying to suppress the tears which burned behind her eyes. "I just—oh, Sev, I thought he was special! He made me so happy and it was all just an act, if he's like this when he's at school. I can't believe I was so thick!"

"You're not thick, Lily," Severus said, patting her shoulder absently. "Honestly, he's fooled nearly everyone in the school. I—agh, no, Lily, I—don't cry!"

She sat beside him, hands covering her face and tears poured down her cheeks.

"I'm s-sorry, Sev," she whimpered. "I-It's for the b-best, I s-suppose." He nodded in understandingly and they sat in silence as the train rolled through the landscape. Lily kept her head down, trying in vain to hide her tears from Severus as shame and humiliation washed over her. She had been so stupid, believing everything that boy had told her. She ought to have known it was too good to be true, that nobody was that perfect.

Suddenly the compartment door flew open and the very same hazel-eyed boy stood in front of her, a confused expression on his face.

"There you are," he sighed, his shoulders relaxing. "I've been scouring the train for you. Er—" his eyes had landed on Severus, who still had an arm placed protectively around Lily's shoulders.

"What are you doing in here, Snivellus?" James' usually unaffected voice became a snarl as he addressed her friend. "Did the other slytherins decide they were tired of having to wipe grease off everything and throw you out?"

"She's my friend, Potter," Severus glared at the bespectacled boy, every inch of his face screwed up in hatred. "I daresay I've more of a right to comfort her than you do."

"To comfort her?" James spluttered, his head whipping around as he took in Lily's tear-streaked cheeks for the first time. His eyes bulged and he rushed over to her, reaching out to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Lily whimpered again and pulled away, curling into the corner of the compartment.

"Get away from me!" she hissed quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. "I—I don't even want to look at you right now!"

"Lily, I—"

"Oy, Prongs!" a new voice rang out from behind the open compartment door and a new boy burst in. Like James, he had black hair, though his was shaggy and hung neatly whereas James' stuck out at every angle. The new boy also shared the arrogant smirk, grinning at his friend.

"Where's the bird, mate? I wanna meet this girl you've been rambling on about all summer."

"Padfoot," James said warningly, gesturing in what he thought was a subtle manner over to Lily, who remained curled up in the corner.

"What? Is she asleep? OY! GIRL! FUTURE MRS. PRONGS!"

"Get out." Severus' voice was hard as he stood up against the newcomer, his wand drawn. "Get out, Black, or I promise I'll hex you."

"Aw, is Snivellus threatening me?" the stranger mocked in a sing-song voice, the grin on his face becoming a sneer. "I thought you would at least try to wash your hair over holidays, Snivelly, but you appear to be just as greasy of a git as you were in June."

Severus' hand twitched but Lily chose that moment to sit up and glare at the unknown boy.

"Who are you?" she demanded, her green eyes narrowed.

"I," the shaggy haired boy grinned at her, "am Sirius Black, best mate of one James Potter who I am told you are acquainted with most intimately." Lily flushed scarlet and glared at James, who had also gone very red in the face and had moved to smack his friend on the back of the head.

"Shut up, you idiot," James hissed.

"Both of you get out," Severus repeated his demand. He had lowered his wand, but his stare remained fixed on the two boys.

"Leave them alone, Sev," Lily said quietly. He turned, gaping at her.

"But—Lily!"

"I know," she whispered, placing a gentle hand on his wrist. "Please, let me handle this."

"Glad you have the bird with you to defend you, Snivellus?" Sirius chirped.

"What do you want?" Lily asked James pointedly, before Severus could respond.

"Er—I thought you would want to talk," James answered, a hand going instantly to his hair and messing it up so he looked even more disheveled than before. "Seeing as we both thought the other was a muggle and obviously weren't expecting to—"

"Run into each other here?" Lily finished for him in a clipped voice. "Yes, well," she continued briskly, turning away and pretending to brush a spot off her jeans. "You're here. I'm here. Both of us are magical. The summer is over and that's that, don't you think?" James stared at her, his mouth falling open slightly and his hazel eyes widening with confusion.

"I—Lily—could we go somewhere private to talk about this?"

Sirius let out a snort of laughter before James elbowed him in the side. Lily shot a furtive look at Severus, who appeared absolutely murderous beside her.

"She's not going anywhere with you, Potter," Severus said loftily, tugging on Lily's elbow.

"Er, Sev," she whispered, ignoring the guilt she felt when he turned to stare at her. "I'm going to talk to him. It's—it's for the best."

"Lily—"

"I can choose for myself who I talk to and when," she bit out. Severus dropped his arm and stepped away from Lily, his face devoid of any emotion.

"Fine," he said curtly, resuming his seat.

"Er, right," James had been staring at the two of them with distaste throughout their short interaction and his eyes now snapped back to Lily. He gave a small jerk of his head towards the door, shoving Sirius out of it.

"There's a compartment down here," James told her. "It'll be empty. No one will bother us."

"Yeah," Sirius chuckled. "Sure would be a shame if someone were to interrupt you two while you were having this nice little _chat_."

"Shut it, Padfoot," James said warningly. Sirius held up his hands in a mock surrender before ducking into a compartment which held two other boys. He shot Lily one last smirk before drawling, "Lovely meeting you, Lily."

"My pleasure," she returned icily as he closed the door.

James watched her uncomfortably as they walked in silence down the corridor. About halfway down, he put a hand on her shoulder to steer her into an empty compartment. Lily shrugged his hand off angrily and took care to go to the opposite side of the compartment.

"So," James began uneasily when they were both inside and the door closed. The flush had returned to his face, so his ears and cheeks burned scarlet. "You're a witch."

"It would appear so," Lily answered in a toneless voice. The anger was rushing back to her. This boy, this bloody wonderful boy had tricked her.

"Er—"

"Can we hurry this up?" she interrupted, ignoring his stunned expression. "I would rather like to get back to my _friend_."

He stared at her in disbelief, a tiny seed of hurt discernable behind the confusion in his eyes.

"Lily—" he began but then stopped, his brow furrowing. "Wait, first of all, about that. You two are friends?" He gestured at her and the space next to her, as though an invisible Severus was sitting there with them. "You—you're friends with Snivellus?" He leaned forward trying to catch her hand in his, but she danced out of his reach, her eyes bright with rage.

"Yes I am," she forced out in a shaking voice, trying not to shout. "He's rather my best friend. He lives in Spinner's End."

Comprehension dawned on James and she watched as he opened and closed his mouth, incredulity coloring his face.

"What—but—but—I didn't—you never—"

"He doesn't much like me hanging around other blokes."

"Well—I can see—friends?" his eyes narrowed. "Define friends." He demanded.

"Friends," she said simply, her own eyes now slits. "Best. Friends." James continued to stare at her. Lily felt her face grow hot and she tried to breathe deeply, tried to keep the rage at bay. How dare he, she thought. How bloody dare this boy, this sweet, attractive, manipulative, horrible boy drag her in here and interrogate her about her friendship with Severus. Her pulse hammered and she felt her lungs contract as the anger overwhelmed her.

"Oh, you absolute prick!" she launched herself at him then, hitting every inch of him she could reach.

"Oof—what the— _ow_! Lily, what the bloody fuck!" he grabbed her wrists and held her in a bruising grip, restraining her. "What the fuck was that for?" he exclaimed.

"You arse!" she shrieked, feeling her face heat up. "You complete arse! I thought you were wonderful, you know that! I thought you were bloody perfect and that we were special and I get here and it's all so bloody perfect—you're one too! We can talk about magic and everything is wonderful! And then I am told that _you_ are the bloody arse who has made my best friend's life hell for the last four years! He's told me all about you, James! You're terrible to him. You're a right git! I don't know what kind of act you were pulling this summer—"

"It wasn't an act, Lily," James said swiftly, his voice soft. His eyes turned on her beseechingly, begging for her to listen.

She looked away. "Yes it was."

"No, Lily, you don't understand. Snape—we don't get along but we don't go after him anymore than anyone else—"

" _Anyone else_?" she repeated, her voice cracking as she finally looked at him.

James winced, realizing his blunder. "No, no!" he said hastily, his face awash with panic. "No, it's not like that, it's just—"

"I can't do this James," she choked out, wrenching her hands from his grasp. "I thought—oh it doesn't matter. This summer never happened." She bit her lip and caught his eye. "You're not who I thought you were."

With that Lily swept out of the compartment, unable to bring herself to look back and see James' reaction. She ran back to her own compartment, letting the hot tears fall freely down her face without even a thought of trying to stop them. She found Severus sitting where she had left him. She slid into the seat across from him and without a word turned her back so he couldn't see her face.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he whispered. She didn't turn around. She let the tears fall silently as the Hogwarts Express continued to chug its way to the school.

 **A/N** : that's it, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please, please review, I want to hear your feedback!

* * *

Edited: 09/29/2016


	3. Anxious Feast

Lily sat alone in the Great Hall, staring dejectedly at the empty seats around her. After the Hogwarts Express stopped at Hogsmeade Station she had disembarked with Sev, only to be stopped by a giant of a man named Hagrid who said she was to be brought her to the castle with the first years. After the boat ride, Lily had entered the castle and, as she was a fifth year, she had been sorted privately before the rest of the school arrived. Remembering Severus' words about his own house, when the hat was plopped on her head she immediately asked to be placed in Slytherin.

"Slytherin?" the hat whispered from its perch on her head. "Hmm…I don't know. I see many possibilities for you. You could do very well in Ravenclaw; there's plenty of brains there. Oh, and I see much dedication and loyalty. A hufflepuff perhaps? No, that doesn't seem quite right. You might be a Slytherin. I see plenty of ambition. Yes, you could do very well there. But it seems a waste when there's so much bravery…so much courage. No my dear, I think you're a Gryffindor."

 _Gryffindor?_ she wondered.

"Yes, yes. I am absolutely sure now. Without a doubt you are a GRYFFINDOR!" The hat bellowed the last word so the professors standing around heard. A severe looking witch who stood beside Lily cracked a smile and plucked the hat from Lily's head.

"Wonderful," the witch said. "Welcome to Gryffindor House, Miss Evans. My name is Professor McGonagall and I'm your new head of house. Be warned, I do not tolerate any misconduct from my students. Now, are you aware of the house points system?"

Lily shook her head.

"Well," McGonagall continued, pointing to four large hourglasses in the hall, filled with different stones. "Anything you do well will earn your house points. Any rule breaking will lose points. Gryffindor's hourglass is the one with the rubies. I trust you will only add them."

Lily nodded once more, staring at the hourglass. It was real. She was at Hogwarts, sorted into a house and all.

 _Sev will be so disappointed,_ she thought sadly as the sound of hundreds of footsteps rang through the hall.

"That will be your schoolmates," McGonagall said crisply, turning to face the large doors. "I suggest you go and take a seat, Miss Evans. Gryffindor is the table on the right."

Lily obeyed and slid into a seat halfway down the long table. She stared at the table top, wringing her hands anxiously. The realization sank in that she did not know anyone. Sev had been her only friend coming in and she had assumed they would eat together. Now she was alone. She thought briefly of James and wondered which house he was in before chastising herself.

 _Forget about him._

Students flooded into the Great Hall, all clad in identical black robes and wondering who the red haired girl sitting at the Gryffindor table all alone was.

Lily continued staring at the table, violently wishing she were home. As the seats around her filled up she heard Professor McGonagall begin the sorting of all the tiny first years lined up by the doors. She looked up and saw James only a few seats down from her, though on the other side of the table. He was deep in discussion with his friend Sirius from the train and when he looked up their eyes locked for a brief moment before Lily looked away, her cheeks burning.

"Are you Lily Evans?" a voice asked from Lily's right. She turned to face the girl who had just sat down. She had dark brown hair which fell to her armpits and equally dark eyes.

Lily nodded, glancing over the girl who was smiling at her now. The girl stuck her hand out and grasped one of Lily's.

"I'm Marlene. Marlene McKinnon, I'm a fifth year also! McGonagall told us there was a new girl. Is it true you're muggle born? And that you've been homeschooled? Blimey, I don't know anyone else who has been homeschooled. What about you, Alice?"

Alice, who sat on Marlene's other side and had a round face and shoulder length golden curls turned towards them, her blue eyes gazing kindly on Lily.

"No, I don't think I do. Give her some space, Marls. She's probably exhausted. I'm Alice Fortescue by the way," she introduced herself to Lily. "We're your new roommates."

"Nice to meet you," Lily offered with a small smile before the hall went quiet. Dumbledore, the man who had come to Lily's house four years ago to explain magic and Hogwarts to her parents stood at the front of the room, poised to speak.

"Welcome," the headmaster boomed, his voice reverberating around the room. "I trust you all enjoyed your holidays. And now we have come back together for another year filled with learning and fun." He glanced around at the students, his eyes twinkling. "Let us remember while we are here that we are one castle, one school. We are united by these walls. And so I implore all of you not to allow any prejudices or petty jealousies tear you apart. There is much evil in this world and we must be united when we fight it."

The hall was dead silent, all eyes trained on the silver haired wizard in front of them. Dumbledore glanced around, allowing his words to sink in before grinning broadly. "And with that, let us eat!" he cried merrily.

Lily gasped as food appeared on the table out of nowhere. Every conceivable thing she could have wished to eat now sat in front of her. Marlene and Alice reached forwards enthusiastically and began heaping potatoes and chicken pot pie on their plates. Glancing around at all the students around her who seemed just as enthusiastic, she reached forward for the plate of mashed potatoes in front of her.

She reached the plate at the same time as the boy sitting across from her.

"Oh!" she said quickly. "I'm sorry, please go ahead."

"Thanks," the boy said, giving her a curious look. He quickly loaded several spoonfuls of potatoes onto his plate before handing her the dish.

"You're the new girl, aren't you?" he asked, giving Lily a small smile. He was good looking, she decided, even though he looked a bit thin and tired. His light brown hair was neat and his blue eyes were kind. When he smiled he had a small dimple on the right side of his face.

"Yes," she answered with what she hoped came across as confidence. "Lily Evans," she introduced herself, extending her hand across the table.

"Remus Lupin," he answered, taking her hand. "You're a fifth year too, correct?"

"I am," Lily said. Feeling her face flush she hurried on, intent on avoiding any probing question. "I was taught at home until now. My mother was too ill to permit me to come to school."

To her surprise Remus did not ask questions or offer half sincere apologies, as most people did when she said that. Instead, his grey eyes crinkled sympathetically as he reached over the bowl of potatoes and gave her hand a small squeeze.

"My mum's sick too," he whispered, dropping her hand and looking at the table. "I have to go visit often. It does make being at school difficult."

Lily smiled and felt a rush of affection for this kind boy she had just met.

"Oh good, Lily, I'm so glad you met Remus!" Marlene's loud exclamation jarred her and she dropped Remus' hand hurriedly and turned to see the dark haired girl beaming at her. "Isn't he a doll?" Marlene exclaimed, smiling at Remus. "Really, I don't think you'll find a better bloke anywhere else."

Remus turned pink and dropped his gaze to his plate. The mousy haired boy who sat between Remus and Sirius Black frowned at Marlene.

"Oh, Pete, don't give me that look," Marlene said reproachfully. "You know I adore you but honestly, none of you compare to Remus."

"Hey!"

Lily groaned as she heard James' voice enter the mix.

"What's this about not being able to compare to Remus, McKinnon?" James demanded, glaring at Marlene, who simply shrugged.

"Just that he's a sweetheart and not a prat like you," She replied haughtily but with a twinkle in her eye. James' glare intensified and Marlene's lips twitched into a smile. Suppressing a laugh she turned to Alice and then to Lily.

"Don't you girls think so? That Remus is a sweetheart and James is a prat?"

"Marls—" Alice said gently, glancing from her teasing friend to the very unamused James. "Come on, it's the first night."

"You know, Marlene," Lily spoke up quickly, looking determinedly at the girl and not at James. "I think I would agree with you."

Marlene's smile became even wider. "I knew we would be best friends, Lily Evans!" she cried, enveloping Lily into a hug.

"Where do I come in in this competition?" Sirius demanded. Marlene let go of Lily and pretended to look thoughtful.

"Hmm….I think….I think…." She rubbed her chin in mock concentration and broke into laughter at the sight of Sirius' eager expression. "Oh, I don't know, Black." Her voice was softer now. "I was just winding Jamesy up, you know how funny he is when someone says he's second best."

"I do not!" James pouted from his seat. Lily tried to ignore how adorable he looked when he stuck out his bottom lip like that. He had done that over the summer when pleading with her to go with him to the beach or stay out for just another half an hour-

 _No. Stop it._

"Lily, why did you say you were homeschooled again?" Marlene asked her suddenly.

"Er—my mother was ill," Lily mumbled, chewing on her lip.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Alice said kindly, reaching across Marlene to squeeze Lily's shoulder. "It's lovely you're here now, though. And don't worry, Marls and I will show you around and make sure you know everything you need."

"So did your parents teach you at home, then?" Marlene asked.

"No. They're actually muggles, my parents are," Lily answered. "Professor Dumbledore arranged for a tutor—"

"You're muggle-born?" Remus broke in, his eyebrows raised.

"Yes," Lily replied evenly. "Professor Dumbledore arranged for a tutor to come and teach me so I've learned all the same lessons as you lot."

"Wow," Marlene breathed. "So have you met any other wizards before now? Besides Dumbledore and your tutor, of course."

"Er, yes," Lily said. "Severus lives near me and he told me most things about wizards—"

"Severus _Snape?_ " Marlene asked incredulously, her eyes bulging. She whipped around to stare at the Slytherin table, where Severus sat with his friends, before turning back to Lily. "You know Snape?"

"We're friends," Lily said defensively, color rising to her cheeks. "We've known each other since we were nine and he's the one who told me I was a witch and who told me all about Hogwarts and the wizarding world."

Marlene gave a small snort and looked up at Remus.

"And she's muggle-born," she murmured, a humorless smile on her face. "Severus Snape is friends with our Lily who is a muggle-born. Fancy that."

"I know," Remus replied, looking concerned. "I don't know how—"

" _What?_ " Lily demanded, looking between them. "He always said it doesn't matter that my family is all muggles. It just matters that I'm magical."

"He told you that?" Remus asked in disbelief, staring at Lily as though she had two heads.

"Yes."

"Wow," Alice whispered, her eyes wide. "Oh, Lily. Do you know anything about what's going on here?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked. All three of the others cringed and looked at her apologetically.

Marlene swiftly threw an arm around Lily's shoulders and gave her a large smile. "We'll explain it later, love," she said brightly, glancing at Alice and Remus. "There's uh—just a couple things you should know now that you're here but there's no reason to ruin a perfectly good feast by talking about them now. Right, Alice?"

"Right," Alice agreed, though in a much more subdued voice.

"Oy! Remus are you done flirting with James' love interest?" Sirius Black's voice cut through the conversation and Lily felt her face flame up immediately. The meal had been going _so_ well with no mention of her summer escapades with a certain hazel-eyed wizard.

"What's this?" Marlene exclaimed, looking from a beet-red Lily to James, who punched Sirius hard in the shoulder.

"Nothing," Lily mumbled, hastily shoving a forkful of food in her mouth.

"Remember that bird James wouldn't shut up about in his letters this summer?" Sirius asked Marlene, grinning ear to ear. "Said it was a red-headed muggle girl who lived in the town his parents had dragged him to?"

Comprehension dawned on their faces as Marlene, Remus and Alice all turned to stare at Lily, who was wishing the floor would open up and swallow her whole.

" _You_ were James' summer romance?" Remus asked. "And you didn't—ah, but he obviously didn't tell you he was a wizard and I'm sure you assumed he was a muggle."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Marlene shrieked, nearly overturning the jug of pumpkin juice. "You and James, oh! I see it now, you two are a wonderful couple! Were you just trying to hide it for the first night or—oh what a prat I am, I'm sure you were hoping he would sit by you!"

"No," Lily muttered, still staring at the table. "No, we're not a—a couple. Anymore."

"Oh." Marlene's face fell. "So you guys— _oh_ —and you're not—"

"Marls, shut up," James said tersely. Lily glanced up and saw to her mild relief he looked just as embarrassed as she felt. His ears were bright red and he was staring fixedly at his empty plate.

"Right, well," Marlene stammered. "Well, Lily, who did you say your tutor was?"

They talked about Dorcas and how Lily learned all the lessons at home until Remus and Alice, the two Gryffindor fifth year prefects, stood up to help guide first years to the common room.

"You should come too, Lily," Alice said. "I can show you where the common room is. The castle's a little tricky for the first few weeks."

"Yeah, good idea," Lily said, quickly rising from the table. Taking care not to look at anyone seated, she followed Alice who was calling "First years! Follow me please! First years over here!"

Their little group walked quietly through the corridors, going up several flights of stairs.

"You'll have to excuse Marlene sometimes," Alice told Lily as they led the group of eleven-year-olds. "She means well and she really is a sweetheart but sometimes she gets carried away—"

"It's okay, really," Lily said earnestly. "I didn't mean to make everyone uncomfortable. It's just the thing with James. It ended rather abruptly and it's still not…I don't know. It's done. It's just too recent for it to not be uncomfortable, you know?"

Alice smiled gently at her. "Yes, I know. It's okay, we were just a little taken aback, that's all."

Lily nodded. They continued on in silence for a few moments until reaching a portrait of a very fat woman who grinned and waved at them.

"Tippecanoe," Alice said. The portrait swung open and Lily looked around at the circular common room. They must be in one of the towers, she thought as she caught sight of the view of the grounds and lake afforded by the large window. The room was decorated with red and gold furniture and accents. There were several tables for students to work at and a fireplace surrounded by couches and squashy armchairs.

"Our dormitory is this way," Alice told her, pointing towards one of the spiral staircases. Remus waved goodnight to them both and then started up the staircase on the opposite end of the room, a line of young boys following him.

Lily climbed the staircase with Alice. They arrived in the fifth year girl's dormitory, which held six four-poster beds. Alice flopped down on one and Lily went to the bed next to her and threw herself down on it.

"Marlene's in here too," Alice said, her voice muffled. "And then there's three other girls who you probably won't meet until tomorrow; they weren't sitting by us at dinner. Mary MacDonald is a muggle-born like you. She goes along with us sometimes. And then there's Sarah Carroll and Emmeline Vance. They're alright I suppose, though Sarah Carroll is the biggest gossip I've ever met."

"Okay," Lily said through a yawn.

"It's okay if you want to go to bed." Alice looked over sympathetically. "It might be better, actually. If you're in bed when Marley gets here she won't interrogate you about James tonight."

Lily groaned and Alice laughed. Lily rolled off the bed and changed into her pajamas. She climbed into her new bed, snuggling beneath the blankets.

"Thank you for being so kind today, Alice," she said. "You and Marlene both. I was so nervous sitting at that table by myself."

"No problem, Lily," Alice replied. "The first night is always the hardest. I hope yours wasn't too terrible, even if Marlene and Sirius badgered you with questions about James."

"Well, it was bound to happen," Lily mused before sitting up to draw the curtains around her bed. "Goodnight, Alice. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Lily."

Lily pulled her curtains shut and fell asleep almost immediately, dreaming of the wonders Hogwarts held for her and a certain pair of hazel eyes which she hadn't allowed herself to look at all night.

 **Author's Note:** Thank you so much to everyone who has followed, favorited, and reviewed this story. It means so much! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and please continue to review, I want to hear your thoughts!

* * *

Edited 9/30/2016


	4. Rumors and Requests

**Author's Note** : Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favorited this story I'm so glad you like it! I'm trying to get updates out as fast as possible and also trying to make them a little longer. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Lily felt herself being shaken and she moved to rub her sleepy eyes before burying her face in the sheets.

"Five more minutes, Tuney," she whined.

"Who in the bloody hell is Tuney?" Marlene's voice shouted. Lily whipped around and found herself staring at Marlene's dark eyes. The other girl merely grinned and shook Lily's shoulder again.

"Rise and shine, Evans!" she chirped. "It's the first day of classes and seeing as you deprived me of the fun of interrogating you last night, we have to do that this morning."

"Marls" Alice's sleepy voice drifted over. "It's six o'clock in the bloody morning."

"But we have so much to learn about Lily!" Marlene cried, leaping onto Lily's bed and snuggling up to the groggy redhead. "We have to hear the whole story about her summer with James. Is he a good snog?" she directed the question at Lily. "Did you do anything really cheesy like write you a song? Did he meet your parents?"

"Marlene," Lily groaned into her pillow. "Go back to sleep."

"Absolutely not," the dark haired girl sat up, pulling Lily with her. Lily yelped as the cold air assaulted her and moved to regain the safety and warmth of her covers, but Marlene grabbed her shoulders and held her upright.

"I let you sleep last night. Now it's time for you to talk."

Lily sighed and leaned back on her bed. "Fine," she muttered, crossing her arms. Marlene grinned.

"Excellent. So, first, tell us everything about you and James."

"Er—what exactly do you want to know?" Lily asked tentatively.

"Well—" Marlene deliberated for a moment before her grin grew even broader. "Is he a good snog?"

Lily flushed and hid her face. "Yes," she squeaked from behind her fingers. She looked up to find Marlene smirking.

"Excellent and how did this little romance start?"

"Er—" Lily hesitated. She wasn't entirely certain how it had started. "Well, I ran into him outside a shop in town one day and he mentioned he was staying in Cokeworth for the summer and didn't know what there was to do. And I said I would show him around a bit. And then we…well we just spent the rest of the summer together after that."

"I see," Marlene's eyes danced with humor as she smiled at the furiously blushing Lily. "And did he do anything silly and romantic that I can tease him about mercilessly?"

"No!" Lily cried, wishing to defend James from any teasing, though she couldn't explain to herself why.

"Oh come off it, Lily," Marlene pressed. "He must have done something to have you blushing this much."

Lily paused, wanting to tell her new friend about the time James had told her to get dressed up and then taken her for a picnic in the park, or the rainy night he had insisted they dance out in the street even though there was no music. She remembered how he had dipped her and planted a kiss on her lips before whispering "You, Lily Evans, are the most magnificent girl I have ever met in my life."

She shook her head violently, banishing the memories. "There wasn't anything particular," she said to Marlene, not meeting her eyes. "But he was sweet. He listened. He just always seemed to understand."

Marlene nodded and wrapped an arm around Lily. "He's one of the best blokes I know. We've been friends for ages, since we were babies. Our parents are friends, you see."

"Merlin, what are you two doing up at this hour?" a groggy voice from across the room asked. Lily looked up and saw an unfamiliar girl with flaxen blonde hair and brown eyes staring at her.

"Oh," Marlene said. "Right. Well, Sarah, this is Lily Evans, the new girl. Lily, this is Sarah Carroll."

Lily raised her hand in greeting. "Nice to meet you," she called.

"You too," the blonde replied, turning over onto her stomach and resting her head on her pillow. "What are you two up talking about?"

"Just Lily's summer romance," Marlene said, turning back to the red haired girl. "And how James is apparently quite the sweetheart to girls he fancies."

There was no reply from the blonde, as she had fallen back to sleep. Marlene shrugged and turned back to Lily. "He sounds like he was incredibly sweet," the brunette admitted, sitting up cross-legged on Lily's bed.

"Mhm," Lily mumbled, twirling a piece of hair around her fingers and staring down at her sheets. "Except he's not like that here. Severus told me about all the horrid things James and his friends would do to him."

Marlene paused and peered at Lily, chewing her lip. "Listen, Lily, about Snape—"

"Severus."

"Right, well about Severus. Lily, I know you said he told you it doesn't matter that you're muggle-born and honestly it doesn't. Or it shouldn't. None of us here care. Mary's muggle-born too." She pointed to a bed occupied by a snoozing brunette. "But there's some people in the wizarding world, and some at Hogwarts that, er, believe that muggle-borns don't deserve to be a part of all this. They think they're dirty and less than other wizards."

"What?" Lily asked, perplexed. "But how? Why does it make a difference? We're all magical, aren't we?"

Marlene shook her head and sighed. "I don't know. I don't understand it. But, er… well, I suppose you'll find out at some point so we may as well tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Well, there's a group of students—there's always one—who are all about the blood purity nonsense and have, er, rather dark ways of showing their support for it—" Marlene faltered. Lily's eyes went wide.

"They use dark magic?"

"They try to," Marlene grimaced, turning away from her. "This group, they're slytherins. Mostly boys, though Merlin knows I'm sure the girls are all demented as well. There's Mulciber and Rosier, who both have gotten in trouble for harassing muggle-borns. There was this one bloke Lestrange, scary one he was, and his girlfriend Bellatrix Black, she was a nutter. They both left last year, though. And then there's Urquhart-"

"And Severus?" Lily asked tentatively. Marlene gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Yes, Severus is part of it."

"Well," Lily deliberated, disappointed to hear about Sev's friends but also unwilling to believe him capable of prejudice and practicing dark magic. "You said it's most of the Slytherins, right? I'm sure Sev is just friends with those people for the convenience of it. You know, it would be a bit difficult to go through school being on bad terms with your roommates."

Marlene's mouth hung open. "But—Lily, were you listening?" she gaped. Lily ignored her and continued talking.

"And even if some of the others practice dark magic, which I agree with you is terrible and they should be stopped, Sev has never said anything about it. I'm sure he doesn't do it with them. And he's not the one harassing muggle-borns. It's probably just unfortunate circumstances."

"Un—unfortunate circumstances?" Marlene choked out, her eyes as wide as galleons. "Lily, Snape has a reputation for knowing more curses than anyone else in the entire school! I would bet my broomstick he's practicing dark magic with the rest of them and planning on joining Voldemort as soon as they're done here!"

"Voldemort?" Lily asked, the question distracting her from thinking about Marlene's accusations. "What's Voldemort?"

"Not a what, a who," Alice answered, apparently having been listening in on their conversation. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of her bed before shuffling over to Lily's bed and climbing in next to Marlene.

"He's a dark wizard," the blonde continued, her face stony. "They say maybe the darkest wizard in history. He started all this pureblood mania and he's quite dangerous—attacking muggles and muggle-borns who he sees as a threat. They say his ultimate goal is to slaughter all of them and have wizards be the only people in Britain."

Lily paled at this information. Her mouth hung open as she sucked in air.

"And—and there's people here at Hogwarts who want to join him?" she whispered, staring at Marlene and Alice who both looked more than a little disturbed.

"Yes," Marlene answered, moving her hand place it on Lily's knee. "It's terrible and they're awful, twisted people. But we thought you should know since you said you're friends with Sn—Severus."

Lily nodded. "Thank you for telling me," she said quietly.

"You deserve to know," Alice said, reaching out to hug her. "And don't be scared, Lily. I know this is a lot to throw at you all at once, but you're safe at Hogwarts. They say Dumbledore is the only wizard Voldemort is scared of and as long as he's here, nothing can hurt us."

"Okay," Lily choked out, squeezing her new friend tightly.

Marlene leaned back against the pillows and checked her watch.

"Merlin!" she shrieked, jumping up. "It's nearly seven! Oy, you lot!" she yelled to Sarah Carroll, who had fallen back to sleep, and the two other girls in the room. "Wake up!" Marlene shouted. The three girls rustled around and sat up, bleary eyed.

"It's seven," Marlene told them.

"You didn't have to yell," the girl who had been identified earlier as Mary MacDonald grumbled. Lily looked at her; she had light brown hair which fell down past her shoulder blades in loose waves and blue eyes which were puffy with sleep at the moment. Mary caught her eye and Lily flushed, hoping she hadn't been too obvious in her staring.

"Your name is Lily, right?" Mary asked in a much nicer tone than she had used with Marlene.

"Er, yes," Lily answered. Mary smiled kindly at her and moved to get out of bed.

"Nice to meet you," the brunette said. "I'm usually much nicer, but you see, I don't appreciate Marls here screeching at me to get up at the crack of dawn."

"It's not the crack of dawn!" Marlene said indignantly. "It's seven o'clock and you're always the one complaining whenever we're late!"

"Oh, shut it, McKinnon," another unfamiliar girl spoke up from her bed. She had black hair which fell in straight sheets down to her collarbone. Her face was very angular, with high cheekbones and a sharp chin. She had dark green eyes that looked almost brown at first.

"I'm Emmeline," she said, turning to Lily. "Emmeline Vance. Nice to meet you. I heard you're a muggle-born."

"Er—" Lily stammered, taken aback by the girl's abrupt manner. "Yeah, I am."

"And you were homeschooled until now?" the girl narrowed her eyes as she stared at Lily, as though daring her to lie and say it was untrue.

"Yes," Lily said, snapping her jaw shut and staring back at this abrasive girl. "My mom was ill and didn't want me going away to school but she died in June so now I'm here."

"Oh, blimey, Lily," Marlene said, covering her face with her hands. "You didn't tell us your mother had died! And here I was asking silly questions about James and telling you all these horrid things about Voldemort!"

"It's okay," Lily said quickly, not wishing to start a discussion on her mother. "Really, it's fine, Marlene. Don't worry about it."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I feel awful."

"Really," Lily reassured her before turning to her trunk and searching for her tie.

* * *

Lily's first class of the day was potions, which came as a relief to her both because she enjoyed potions and because the Gryffindors had that class with the Slytherins, which meant she would get to see Severus.

Lily felt as though she were floating on a cloud the entire morning. Everything about Hogwarts felt so surreal, from the stone corridors to the floating candles which lit the castle, to Professor McGonagall coming around and tapping her wand to a blank sheet of parchment to instantly produce Lily's schedule. She still couldn't quite believe she was really there, at Hogwarts, surrounded by hundreds of other young witches and wizards who were learning the very same spells as she was. Dori was a wonderful tutor but Lily had always sorely missed the companionship of classmates. Now she had hundreds of them.

She tried valiantly not to think about James as she followed Marlene and Alice down to the dungeons, where potions class was held. She couldn't stop thinking of what Marlene had said about him being one of the greatest blokes she knew.

 _But she's biased, isn't she?_ Lily argued with herself. _She's known him since they were babies, of course she thinks he's wonderful._

 _But she also would be quick to tell you to watch out if he were trouble_ , she reasoned. _After all, if she's known the bloke for years she knows all the ugly bits._

"Lily?" her internal debate was interrupted by Severus, who stood outside the dungeon door waiting for her.

"You two go on," she said to Marlene and Alice, who had turned to look at her with raised eyebrows. They both nodded and entered into the classroom, choosing a table to sit at.

Lily walked in with Severus and they sat at the table across from Marlene and Alice.

"How's your first day going?" Severus asked.

Lily shrugged. "Alright, I suppose." She had to ask him soon; it was killing her not to. And now was a perfect time, with none of his friends hanging around to overhear.

"So, uh, Sev?" she started nervously.

"Yeah?" he asked, glancing at her quizzically. Lily swallowed. What if he was angry? No, she had to ask. She had to hear his side.

"Well, uh, I heard a bit about your friends…" she trailed off. Oh no, his face had gotten paler. No, no, no—

"Oh." Was all he said. He turned his attention to the table before quickly turning back and looking her in the eye. "Whatever you heard is rubbish. Some of the people I talk to aren't goody-two-shoes like Fortescue or insufferable, talentless purebloods like McKinnon, but there's nothing wrong with them." The venom in his voice shocked her, she had never heard Severus speak so nastily about anyone. Well, except for—"and just because they aren't _fit_ like James Potter doesn't mean they're bad."

"I didn't—" she sputtered, wishing she hadn't raised the issue.

"It doesn't matter," he muttered angrily, looking at the floor.

The door burst open then and Lily saw out of the corner of her eye James and Sirius stroll into the classroom lazily. She snapped her attention to the front of the room, determined not to look at James. She wouldn't meet his eye; she wouldn't let her eyes wander over how his shirt clung so effortlessly to his chest; she wouldn't let herself think about how his hair was sticking up as it always did in the morning. She heard the two boys muttering about the lack of seating options before, to her horror, sliding into the seats directly behind her and Severus.

"Good morning, Lily," James said quietly. She ignored him.

"Good morning, Future Mrs. Prongs," Sirius called out loudly, drawing sniggers from around the room. Lily felt her face grow hot as she fought the urge to turn around and smack him. Beside her, she could see Severus' hands twitch towards his pocket where his wand was sticking out.

"Good morning, everyone!" a man who Lily guessed was the professor strode into the room. He was a jolly looking fellow, with a big silver mustache and a plump, protruding stomach. He glanced around the classroom before his eyes zeroed in on Lily.

"Oh ho!" he cried, walking over towards her. "I don't recognize you now, m'dear."

"I'm new," she said quietly, wondering how many times she would be forced to give this monologue. "I was taught at home until this year."

"Oh, well we're pleased to have you then," the professor said. "My name is Professor Slughorn and I am the potions master here. What's your name, dear?"

"Lily Evans," she answered, smiling at Slughorn's genial manner. She decided she liked this man.

"Well then, Miss Evans, welcome to Hogwarts!" he exclaimed merrily, turning back to the front of the room and addressing the entire class. "I certainly hope you've kept up with your potions work. To start off, everyone's going to brew me your best attempt at a pepper-up potion, just to see where you all are. The instructions are on page five of your book. Whatever you have completed at the end of the class is to be turned in to me. Understand?"

There was a rumbling of assent throughout the class. Slughorn beamed and rubbed his hands together. "Excellent, impress me!"

Lily set to work immediately beside Severus, cutting up her lacewig flies into bits. They worked in silence, both concentrating on the precision of the potion. Lily adored potions; she loved the order and precision it required. Living in a muggle neighborhood with no previous knowledge of magic or any of its nuances, spells and wandwork didn't always come easily to her as they were so foreign to anything else she had learned. But potions made sense; it was just like cooking or doing a math problem. If you followed the instructions carefully, you would succeed. And so Lily worked diligently over her cauldron, weighing crushed beetles and counting revolutions as she stirred.

She was almost halfway done with the potion when she heard a soft whirring sound. Glancing up, she spotted a flash of red before something landed in Severus' cauldron and **boom!** The cauldron and all its contents exploded. Severus had leapt back but still ended up covered in his half-finished pepper-up potion, which was bubblegum pink in color. Lily started forward to help him siphon the potion off when she heard James and Sirius howling with laughter behind her.

Her pulse quickened and her face grew hot as she spun around and glared at James, suddenly furious with him.

"You did this, didn't you?" she snapped, pointing at him angrily. James smirked at her and ran a hand through his hair.

"What can I say, Evans? Class was getting a bit boring; we thought it was lacking a certain _explosive_ element."

"Well next time why don't you blow up your own bloody potion," Lily snarled, narrowing her eyes. "Instead of ruining someone else's just for an immature laugh!"

James was no longer laughing. He was staring at her with a mixture of hurt and anger.

"Why are you so upset about it, Evans?" he asked coolly, turning back to his own potion. "If I really wanted to be entertained I would've thrown it in your cauldron."

"Now, now, what's happened over here?" Slughorn appeared by their table, frowning at the remains of Severus' cauldron.

"Potter and Black thought it would be funny to throw a filibuster firework into my potion, sir."

"Potter? Black?" Slughorn turned to the two boys, his arms folded over his chest. Sirius smiled brightly at the teacher.

"We reckoned the first day could use a little excitement, Professor."

"Detention, both of you," Slughorn said. "And ten points each from Gryffindor."

James and Sirius both groaned. Lily smirked to herself and returned to her own potion, which was bubbling happily in her cauldron. Severus grumbled about his ruined concoction and angrily began to start over. Lily seethed inwardly over her doubts that morning. James had just proved what Severus said to be true. He was a bully and a prick and she couldn't believe she had allowed herself to be duped over the summer.

Yet somehow the image of his hazel eyes gazing into hers as they danced together in the rain would not leave her mind.

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to focus only on her potion for the remainder of the class. When she filled a vial up and took it to Slughorn he held it out in front of him and bellowed, "My my, I can see we've got talent in our new addition! Miss Evans, this looks wonderful! Is this your first time brewing a pepper-up?"

"Yes, Sir," she said. Slughorn smiled kindly at her.

"It's excellent work, dear. Five points to Gryffindor!" Lily flushed with pride and hurried back to retrieve her things and make her way to lunch.

Marlene and Alice had waited for her outside the classroom and Lily hurried out to meet them.

"Old Sluggy likes you," Marlene said happily. "I reckon you might get invited to a Slug Club party or two."

"What's the Slug Club?" Lily asked.

"Slughorn's little club of favorites," Alice told her as they rounded a corner. "He invites all the people he likes the best—or the ones who have the richest parents—and throws these parties. Usually there's at least one famous person there as well. They're quite the to-do."

"And you get invited just if he likes you?" Lily asked, thinking she would quite enjoy meeting a few famous wizards.

"Yes, but don't get your hopes up too high," Marlene warned her. "He's picky."

"Marls!" Alice swatted her friend on the arm. "Don't be rude! You weren't invited until last year!"

"I was just telling her," Marlene grumbled, rubbing her arm. "Don't want her to be all disappointed if she doesn't get invited to the first one."

Up ahead of them, Lily could see James and Sirius walking with the kind boy from last night, Remus and the smaller boy she remembered was called Peter. All four moved confidently but James and Sirius seemed to waltz down the corridor. Apparently detention didn't bother them. She watched James walk arrogantly through a crowd and cast annoyed glances at a girl near him, who looked no older than thirteen and was talking rather loudly to her friend about how she had lost a bracelet. Lily watched as James, without so much as a look back, flicked his wand towards the girl, whose mouth clamped shut forcefully. The girl seemed to be struggling to open it and Lily stared in horror as the young girl tried and failed to open her mouth and began to wave her arms in front of her friend and soon after burst into tears.

"That's horrible!" Lily cried as she watched the girl run into a nearby classroom.

"Yes, James has a habit of hexing people who annoy him," Alice said resignedly. "We've told him a thousand times he's going to get a detention one of these days and he just doesn't care."

"It's awful," Lily said, anger rising inside her once more. "I can't believe it."

"Oh, don't be angry with him, Lily," Marlene said. "It's just James being stupid. And he never does anything really bad."

"Right," Lily said, clenching her jaw and walking the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

After lunch the fifth year Gryffindors went to transfiguration, which was taught by Professor McGonagall, the stern witch who was head of Gryffindor house. She gave them a brief lecture on the O.W.L. examinations they would all be sitting at the end of the year and then set them the task of turning a tortoise into a teapot. Lily sat with Marlene, Alice and Mary MacDonald and watched as all three of her companions struggled to change their tortoises. Lily concentrated hard and said the incantation while waving her wand. Her tortoise simply sat on her desk and stared at her, completely unchanged.

"Here," a voice from behind her said, and without warning James' large, calloused hand covered her own on her wand. "It's not so much a wave as it is a jab. Like this." He guided her hand through the air in a short jab motion. Lily wrenched her hand from his grasp and turned around resolutely.

"I don't need your help," she said tonelessly, taking care not to look at him.

"Fine," he said curtly and turned away. Lily's body betrayed her and her head swiveled to follow him. Her eyes landed on a perfect teapot sitting on his desk.

 _Damn him_ , she thought. _He's smart too._

She turned back to her own tortoise with a new resolve, determined to succeed in the day's task even though she knew transfiguration was one of her weakest subjects. Once more she said the incantation and concentrated hard, her hand jabbing instead of waving. Before her eyes, the tortoise shifted into a green teapot.

"Well done, Miss Evans," McGonagall said, walking over towards her. "Five points to Gryffindor. You too, Mr. Potter and Mr. Black."

Lily turned to see James and Sirius grin at McGonagall, both their teapots sitting in front of them. James caught Lily's eye and smirked. She flushed and looked away angrily.

"…and she's a muggle-born!" Lily heard the whisper and spun around to see Sarah Carroll engrossed in a conversation with her desk mate, unaware that Lily could hear. "I heard Marlene talking to her this morning about a summer romance and they mentioned James. I think they meant James Potter—"

"No!" the girl next to Sarah gasped. "I don't believe it. I mean, there's nothing wrong with her, she's pretty enough I suppose, but James?" Sarah nodded, glancing around the classroom. Lily hurriedly looked down at her teapot, pretending to search for any imperfections.

"I'm not sure if I believe it myself," Sarah said in the same carrying whisper. "Why would a bloke who can get any girl in the school settle for an unknown muggle-born? And she was homeschooled too! There's something odd there." Lily felt her face burn as she kept her eyes glued to her teapot. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in bed.

"Lily?" Marlene asked quietly. Lily forced her face into an almost-smile and turned to face her new friend.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Could you help me with this?" Marlene pointed to her tortoise, which was still not transfigured into a teapot but had started to blow steam. Lily giggled and took hold of Marlene's hand.

"It's more of a jab than a wave, you see."

McGonagall dismissed them soon after, though not before assigning them a fifteen inch essay to be turned in at the next class. Amidst the grumbles, Lily shoved her books in her bag and hurried out the door. She had placed one foot into the corridor when a hand latched firmly onto her upper arm.

"Hey!" she cried, moving to free herself. "Let go!"

"Lily," James was pulling her into an empty classroom. "Be quiet. We need to talk."

"Let go of me!" she demanded, wriggling her arm furiously in an attempt to loosen his grip. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Which is why I can't let go of you," James said shortly. He shut the door of the classroom and moved so he was between her and the door. He let go of her arm but placed both hands on her shoulders.

"What do you want?" she spat. James sighed and the corners of his mouth pulled down into a frown. He suddenly looked much more like the boy from the summer, his face open and free of the arrogant smirk which seemed to be plastered on since they had arrived at the castle.

"I just want to talk," he said wearily. "Things aren't good between us and I don't exactly know why—"

"You know why," Lily said angrily. "You lied this summer. You're a bully who has made my best friend's life miserable, you're arrogant, and you're a stuck-up prick who thinks he can get away with anything."

"Lily, please," James said, taking a step closer to her. "Please, I didn't lie. Really, I didn't. Just give me a chance to prove it to you."

"Why should I?"

"Please, I'm the same guy, I swear!"

"Really?" she cried, willing herself not to break down in tears in front of him. The last thing she needed was to have him comfort her right now. "Really James?" she asked, hoping he couldn't hear the quiver in her voice. "The boy I knew this summer wouldn't throw a firework into someone's cauldron just for a laugh. The James I knew wouldn't hex younger students just because they were annoying."

He gaped at her, his eyes pleading.

"Lily, look. I know I can be kind of a berk sometimes but, please, you have to—"

"I don't have to do anything," she said coldly, ducking out from under his arms.

"Just give me a chance—"

"James!" she screeched, reaching for the door. "Stop. I don't want to talk to you, why can't you understand that? You're not the same person, not at all. You're a prick and you're a bully and the boy I fell in love with this summer wasn't either of those things." And with that she threw open the door and ran outside, leaving a dumbstruck James Potter standing in the empty classroom wondering if he could possibly have heard that right.

Lily stumbled through the portrait hole and pounded up the stairs to the dormitory where she promptly threw herself on her bed and dissolved into tears. She let her bag drop to the floor with a muffled thud and curled herself into the blankets while the tears poured out of her.

She had told him she loved him. What was she thinking? What in God's name had possessed her to say that? It was true, but that wasn't the point. He didn't have to know it, even if it was the truth.

At some point, Lily wasn't sure how long it had been, Marlene and Alice returned to the dormitory and found her curled up on her bed, her hair sticking to her face and tears racing down her nose.

"Lily! We've been looking all over for you—oh, Lils what's wrong?" Marlene asked, climbing up onto Lily's bed.

"Tell us what happened, Lily," Alice said gently, taking Lily into her arms and rocking her. "Tell us why you're crying. Are you homesick? Or is it Severus?" Lily shook her head and continued to sob into Alice's robes.

"Is it James?" Alice whispered into her hair. Lily nodded and made herself sit up. Between sobs she poured out the whole story, everything that had happened that summer, the picnic in the park, the dancing in the rain, her silly hopes that he would wait for her. She told them all about Severus and how they had been best friends since they were nine and for so long he was her only connection to the magical world and how he had been telling her for years about the group of boys who regularly tormented him. She told them about seeing James hex the young girl in the corridor and about their conversation on the train the day before. Finally, she told them about James pulling her into the empty classroom and asking her to listen. She told them how she had blurted out she loved him before running away.

"Oh Lily," Alice said sympathetically, pulling her into a tight hug. "You must be all muddled up right now."

Lily nodded, her tears subsiding. "I have to forget about him," she said as firmly as she could. "I have to. I can't keep seeing him after knowing what he's done to Severus."

Marlene nodded, biting her lip. "I love James," she said. "Honestly, he's like my brother. But—you're right, Lils. I don't understand it, really, but if Severus is that important then—James needs to mature a bit, I think."

Alice nodded in agreement. "I'm so sorry, Lily," she said, squeezing the redhead. "This will all work itself out, I promise."

"I hope so," Lily gave a watery smile, feeling enormously relieved at having finally told someone all her troubles. She gave a watery chuckle that quickly turned into another sob. "Sarah Carroll was talking to a girl in transfiguration about me," she said quickly. "They were talking about how I'm muggle-born and they don't believe James could have liked me because he can have his pick of girls here and they don't understand why he would choose a muggle-born who nobody knows."

"Don't listen to Sarah Carroll," Marlene said firmly, reaching out to stroke Lily's hair. "She doesn't know what she's talking about."

"And nobody who matters cares that you're muggle-born," Alice added. "And I think James would choose you over Sarah Carroll any day."

Lily laughed at this and curled up further into Alice.

"Thank you both for being so nice to me," she said finally. "You've only just met me, you really have no reason to—"

"We like you," Marlene cut her off. "We want to be your friends."

Lily nodded and smiled at the two wonderful, kind girls who had taken her under their wing. "Thank you," she said.

"Don't worry about it," Alice answered before releasing Lily and lying down on the bed. "Should we have a sleepover, Marls?" she asked. Marlene grinned and laid down on the other side of the bed, leaving room in the middle for Lily.

"I think we should," the dark haired girl answered before pulling Lily down to lie between them. "It's been a long day, girls."

"Hear, hear," they all agreed.


	5. I Love Him, But He's An Idiot

Lily's first month at Hogwarts seemed to fly by. Between learning her way around the enormous castle, staying on top of the pile of assigned work, avoiding James Potter, and catching up on four years' worth of gossip from Alice and Marlene, she barely had time to squeeze in three meals a day.

Despite her crammed schedule, Lily found time to write a lengthy letter to her father and a less lengthy one to Petunia every week. Mr. Evans responded promptly in turn; Petunia had yet to send Lily anything. But still every Saturday morning she trekked up to the owlery in order to send the letters.

She was on her way back from one such trip in early October, internally debating whether she should continue to send letters to Petunia.

 _She doesn't respond, she obviously doesn't care. It's a waste of time._ A voice in her head said.

 _But she's still your sister,_ another voice argued. _She might still come around; it's too early to give up._

 _It's been a full month!_

 _Tuney has always taken a long time to get used to new things. She doesn't like change, it isn't fair to blame her for it; it's just the way she is._

"Oof!" Lily smacked into something solid and fell with a crash to the floor. She looked up to see two boys who Marlene had pointed out to her the second day of school.

"Evans," Mulciber leered at her. "Fancy seeing you around."

Lily made to stand up, but he put a foot on her chest, pinning her to the ground. She kicked her legs out furiously.

"Let me go!" she spat.

"Nick," the other boy, Evan Rosier, admonished his friend. "If someone comes—"

"No one's going to come," Mulciber snapped before turning his attention back to Lily. He pulled his wand out from his pocket and pointed it at her face. "You're rather pretty for a mudblood, Evans," he hissed, fingering his wand. "I've never had such a pretty doll to test some of my new spells on. Fancy we give it a go?"

"Get off her!" a voice shouted from down the hall. Lily twisted and heard heavy footfalls heading towards her. "Leave her alone, Mulciber! Or it'll be detention."

"Lupin," Mulciber sneered. "That's right, you're a _prefect_ , aren't you? Well, I suppose if it'll make our wonderful prefect happy." He stomped down on Lily's chest—hard—his lips twisting into a smile as she yelped in pain before removing his foot from her. "Until next time, Red," he smirked at her.

Lily closed her eyes and lay back on the ground until she heard Mulciber and Rosier's footsteps fade away.

"Are you okay, Lily?" Remus asked, bending down and crouching over her. His face was twisted in concern as his grey eyes filled with sympathy. "Do you need the hospital wing?"

"No, no," she assured him, sitting up and trying to conceal her wince of pain. "I'll be fine. I was more startled than anything."

Remus held out a hand and helped her to her feet. They started walking slowly towards the Great Hall, though neither said where they were going.

"You have to be careful when you're alone," he told her, placing an arm around her waist to gently support her shaky steps. "I know you can handle yourself and I know Hogwarts is one of the safest place in the wizarding world for muggle-borns but there are still people here who would harm you without batting an eye, Lily."

"I know," she sighed. "I forget about it sometimes, though. And it's complete bullocks I can't even send a bloody letter without having to worry about someone trying to attack me."

"I know," Remus said, giving her a small smile. "Just be careful, okay?"

"I will be," she said, grinning back at him. They reached the entrance to the Great Hall. Standing in the doorway, evidently waiting for someone, were James and Sirius. They both turned in time to see Remus and Lily walk towards them, Remus' arm still around Lily's waist. Lily saw James stiffen slightly, his eyes staring at Remus' arm around her and his jaw tightening. Lily felt Remus slowly slide his arm from her and drop it to his side, staring at the floor.

"Moony!" Sirius called, evidently unaware of the tension which had just settled over his three companions. We've been waiting for ages," Sirius complained. "What in Merlin's name took you so long?"

"Ran into a spot of trouble with Mulciber and Rosier," Remus mumbled, not looking at Lily. James' eyes snapped to her immediately. She noticed they looked particularly brown at that moment, instead of their usual hazel; they were narrowed into slits and glaring intently at her.

"What sort of trouble?" he growled.

"It was nothing," Lily said airily. "I got myself into a bit of a sticky situation and Remus helped me out."

"Do we need to duel anyone?" Sirius asked enthusiastically. The pulse on James' neck throbbed, as Lily knew it did when he was angry. She frowned.

"No. Don't worry about it. I'm going to eat, I'll see you later, Remus." she walked away quickly, feeling James' gaze burn into the back of her neck. She hoped he wouldn't make too much of it, either the trouble with Mulciber or whatever he thought was going on with her and Remus.

 _But he's James,_ she thought resignedly. _Of course he's going to make too much of it._

Marlene and Alice weren't at the Gryffindor table but Lily spotted Mary MacDonald, who waved at her, and took a seat next to her. She grabbed a piece of toast and frowned at it. She had been avoiding James ever since she had accidentally blurted out she loved him in the abandoned classroom. The memory of the incident made her face flame up as though it had happened ten minutes ago and not almost a month ago. To her relief, he hadn't badgered her after that, though whether that was because he was horrified by her admission or intimidated by it she had no idea. To date the closest he had come to reaffirming his feelings for her had been his murderous expression upon seeing Remus' arm slung around her.

Lily frowned again as she chewed her toast. He had probably moved on, and his expression out by the doorway had just been a fluke. _Yes, that's it_ , she decided. _It's not that he feels anything for me, he just doesn't like seeing me with another bloke. It's probably a pride thing. And the fact that it's one of his friends._

She finished breakfast in a much better mood than she had started it, content that she had figured out what was going on with James.

* * *

"You're late," Severus noted sullenly as Lily slid into the seat opposite him at a table in the library. There were hardly any other students there as it was a Saturday evening. Marlene and Alice were having a gobstones tournament with the Marauders and invited Lily, but Severus had already asked her to meet in the library.

"Sorry," Lily said hastily when she arrived in the deserted library, taking out her transfiguration essay. "It's been a long day."

"Oh?" Severus raised an eyebrow. "Is Potter still bothering you?"

"No," she said quickly, annoyed at how he always assumed James was at fault. "It's actually your friends. Mulciber and Rosier tried to attack me this morning."

Severus paled and his eyes dropped to the table in front of him. "Oh."

Lily stared at him. "Is that all you have to say?" she demanded. Severus looked up at her, his black eyes pleading.

"What do you want me to say, Lily?"

"How about ask how I am? Or explain that you're not really friends with them because I can't believe you would stoop so low as to be friends with people like that?"

"Lily—"

"Severus." Her green eyes were slits as she allowed her anger to overtake her. "They tried to curse me. If Remus hadn't shown up—"

"Lupin is the one who got you?" he asked quickly, his eyes snapping up.

"Yes," she said coolly. "Why do you care?"

"No reason," he muttered. "There's just something odd about him…ill once a month…always says he's visiting his mum…"

Lily raised her eyebrows. "You want to sit here and talk about Remus' ill mum when two of your supposed mates tried to test their new curses on me?"

"Lily, they wouldn't—"

"They were going to, Sev," she said quietly. "If Remus hadn't come along I don't know what would have happened."

He said nothing to this and they spent the rest of the night working in silence.

* * *

The rest of the weekend passed in a blur of homework and a rambunctious pillow fight between Lily, Marlene, Alice and Mary. Monday afternoon found the Gryffindor fifth years walking to transfiguration. Lily and Mary were in the middle of explaining how records worked to Marlene and Alice, who were both purebloods.

"Really?" Alice asked, wide eyed, as they took their seats. "It spins and the music just—appears?"

"Well not exactly," Lily said slowly. "There's a needle on the player, you see, and as the record spins—"

"A needle plays the music?"

"No! It—"

"Ahem," McGonagall cleared her throat from the front of the room and the girls fell silent.

"If Miss Evans and Miss Fortescue are quite done with their conversation, then," the transfiguration teacher said, sending a severe look in their direction, "I'll ask you all to kindly pass up your essays."

There was a great rustling as everybody dug in their bags for their essays. Lily became more and more aggressive as she poked around in her bag and couldn't find hers. It couldn't be, she thought. She had definitely done it. In fact she had set it on her night table when she had finished—

"Oh, bloody hell," she swore under her breath.

"What?" Marlene whispered from beside her, glancing over at Lily's red face.

"I left my essay in the dorm," Lily whispered, glancing around the classroom frantically. Nearly everyone had their essays out. Any minute McGonagall would collect them. She saw James slouching in his seat, his own parchment in front of him, covered in his writing. He turned and suddenly their eyes met. Lily ducked back down and continued searching furiously through her bag.

"Lily, it's not going to appear if you keep looking," Marlene said gently. Lily huffed and sat back in her seat.

"It's not fair," she whined. "I did it! I just don't have it."

Marlene and Alice looked at her sympathetically. "Don't worry too much," Alice said, patting her shoulder. "We've all done it at some point or other."

Professor McGonagall waved her wand and the essays zoomed towards her, forming an orderly stack which she caught easily. Lily slumped in her seat, dejected. McGonagall flipped through the pieces of parchment, checking they were all there.

"Mr. Potter!" she barked, turning towards James. "I don't seem to have an essay from you."

"Yes, I'm terribly sorry about that, Professor," James said. "I did it, you see. I just seem to have left it in the library."

"You are aware I don't accept late work, Potter?" McGonagall asked.

James nodded, bowing his head. "Quite aware, Professor."

"You will receive a zero for this assignment."

James nodded once more. "It won't happen again, Professor."

With a 'hmph' McGonagall turned away and began her lecture. Lily gaped at James. His head was still bowed but he turned to face her and gave her a small smile. She felt a surge of affection for him she hadn't felt since that summer. His eyes were still that beautiful hazel…

"Lily," Marlene hissed. "But your—"

Lily elbowed her sharply in the side. "I know!" she whispered.

"Miss Evans, Miss McKinnon, would you kindly pay attention to the lesson?" McGonagall's voice rang out through the room. Both girls bent over their notes before muttering "yes, Professor."

Lily didn't hear a word McGonagall said all class. Her mind seemed incapable of producing a single thought not about James.

 _He turned in his essay for me. That was so sweet…_

 _He's being arrogant and trying to win me over by pulling stunts like this!_

 _But he really didn't have to do it. And he's taking a zero for it._

 _He should have just left me alone like he's been doing!_

By the time McGonagall dismissed them, Lily had made up her mind. She marched over to James, who was walking out with Remus.

"You shouldn't have done that," she told him.

"But I did," he countered, his gaze level with hers with a hint of a challenge lurking behind his eyes. Remus, who seemed uncomfortable sitting on the sidelines for the conversation, doubled back and began walking with Sirius and Peter, who were watching the unfolding debate with interest.

"It was unnecessary."

"But it made you happy."

"That doesn't mean you had to do it."

"No, Lily, I didn't have to. I wanted to."

"Why?"

"Because it would make you happy, I thought I had already made that clear."

Lily sighed. "James—"

"No," he spoke over her. "You said you want me to leave you alone and I've done that. But you can't stop me from doing this. It's my choice, not yours."

They stopped walking and stood off to the side while students walked past, some looking curiously over their shoulders.

"You shouldn't have done it," Lily said again, her voice rising. "It was unnecessary and you got a zero for the assignment when you didn't deserve to and there was no reason for you to do that."

James frowned at her, his arms folded across his chest. "Look," he began hotly.

" _James!_ " a high pitched voice carried down the corridor and both Lily and James looked up. Sarah Carroll was trotting towards them, her lips stretched in a wide smile. James immediately straightened and his hand jumped to his hair while a smirk played at his mouth.

"Oh, there you are, I've been looking all over for you," Sarah said in the same falsetto voice. She approached the two. The smile never wavered but her dark eyes narrowed, swerving from James to Lily. "What are you two doing all cozied up over here?"

Lily turned red and began to sputter about not being cozy at all, but James, with the same arrogance he had when he and Sirius waltzed around, answered haughtily.

"Oh, you know, Sarah," he said. "Evans here was just telling me how much she admires my quidditch skills."

"I was not!" Lily cried, her face turning even redder. She turned to glare at James. "I was just about to tell you how you're an arrogant berk!"

James' face fell slightly but he recovered quickly, his smile slightly more menacing this time.

"Be careful there, Evans," he said nonchalantly. "People might think you love me or something and are trying to cover it up."

Lily felt as though he had punched her. She stepped back slightly, her green eyes shining with hurt.

 _How could he throw that in her face? And in front of Sarah Carroll!_

Feeling as though an elephant were sitting on her chest, Lily glared at him before turning on her heel and sprinting towards Gryffindor tower.

"She's a bit odd, don't you think?" she heard Sarah Carroll whisper behind her retreating back.

* * *

Lily refused to come out of the dormitory until dinner, and even that she did unwillingly. She didn't tell Marlene and Alice what had upset her. She muttered something about Petunia and let them assume what they wanted.

As they approached the Great Hall she caught sight of the four Marauders already seated at the table. Marlene, who was leading Lily and Alice, walked over and plopped herself down in the seat next to Sirius. Alice took the seat next to Marlene, leaving Lily to sit next to James. She took her seat, keeping her eyes fixed on the table. Out of the corner of her eye she saw James turn to engage Peter in a conversation about a particular quidditch match they had attended over the holidays.

The meal passed awkwardly, seeing as James and Lily refused to acknowledge each other. Lily couldn't make out if he was ignoring her because he felt guilty over what he had said in front of Sarah Carroll or because he was angry with her for rebuffing him.

 _It doesn't matter,_ she told herself angrily. _He's a prick; he's proved that much._

"Evening, Evans." She stiffened at the familiar sneer. Turning around, she saw Mulciber leering at her. "Fancy meeting up later tonight? Ever since our run in, I've been itching to try out a spell—you would make a wonderful target for practice. And when we were done, if you were up to it, we could do a bit more. Really, has anyone else ever told you you're _very_ pretty for a mudblood—"

"Go away, Mulciber," Marlene growled, reaching in her pocket for her wand. A few seats down Remus motioned as if to grab his too. Lily turned to retort but before she was all the way around Mulciber emitted a screech of pain.

"Aargh!" he cried, clutching his right eye. "What the—"

"I suggest you leave," Lily said coolly, smiling at her opponent to hide her own confusion. Mulciber's face screwed up in rage but he spotted Professor Slughorn looking at him from the staff table and slunk away.

"Who cursed him?" Lily asked, glancing at Marlene and Remus. Both raised their eyebrows.

"I thought it was you," Marlene answered. "I was just going to say congratulations."

"Me too," Remus said, looking at her curiously.

"If it wasn't either of you and it wasn't me then who was it?" Lily asked, her brows knitting together. Marlene shrugged and bit into a roll.

"Dunno," she said. "Doesn't matter, he left, didn't he?"

"I suppose," Lily said, turning back to her own plate uncertainly. As she glanced down she noticed James' wand sticking haphazardly out of his pocket. It hadn't been like that at the start of the meal, had it? It looked as though it had been stowed quickly...

Lily sighed and resumed her dinner, not saying a word the rest of the meal.

* * *

The fifth year Gryffindors walked back to the common room together. James and Sirius led the group, doing impressions of various professors as they went, causing Peter and Marlene to erupt into laughter. Alice, Remus and Lily walked behind the others, talking quietly about Mulciber's interest in Lily.

"You really shouldn't be walking anywhere alone, Lily," Alice said. "You _are_ safe here but it's best to be cautious."

"I agree," Remus nodded. "Mulciber is deranged and his cronies do whatever he says."

"Speaking of Mulciber's cronies," Alice added, looking pointedly at Lily. "Did you tell Snape what happened this weekend?"

"Yes," Lily sighed. "He didn't say much about it."

"Meaning?" Alice's usually friendly face was stony.

"He just avoided talking about it," Lily said, staring at the ground. She felt weak, weaker than she had when Mulciber had her pinned to the ground. Why hadn't she pushed the issue with Severus further?

 _He's my best friend; I don't want him to hate me._

"Lily, you can't accept that from him," Remus said, putting an arm around her shoulder. "I know you said you're mates, which I don't understand, though it's your decision. But mates or not, you can't possibly want to associate someone who is friends with a person like Mulciber."

"I know," Lily muttered miserably, wanting nothing more than to curl into a ball and let Remus hug her all night. "I know, I know, I know. It's stupid and I don't know why I don't push it more but I just _can't_. He gets so angry and he's supposed to be my best friend—" tears pricked her eyes and she clamped her mouth shut, willing them back.

"Lily," Remus stopped walking and pulled her into a hug. She rested her head on his shoulder and let a few teardrops fall onto his shirt.

"I'm being stupid," she whispered.

"No, you're not being stupid at all," Remus answered, patting her awkwardly on the back. "You're doing what anyone would do with their best friends. You're giving him the benefit of the doubt, even though it's not the best choice."

Lily chuckled at this and paused for a moment to collect herself. "How do you understand this so well?" she asked, almost to herself.

Remus laughed and pulled away from her gently. "I think you're forgetting I'm best friends with Sirius," he said.

"Right," she said. "I see it now—"

"Oy, do you two want to get a broom closet?" the very friend Remus had just been talking of shouted from down the corridor. Lily and Remus turned to find their friends staring at them amusedly, except James who was white faced and staring stonily at the opposite wall.

"Coming!" Lily called, jogging to catch up.

They rounded the corner and nearly collided with another group.

"Watch where you're going!" James said heatedly.

"Why don't you?" Lily heard Severus' voice before she saw him. He didn't seem to have seen her. Flanked by Rosier and Urquhart, he glared at James, his sallow face pale. James' body was rigid as he glowered at Severus.

"Move along, Snivellus," he sneered.

Severus' hand dove into his pocket and pulled out his wand, which he pointed at James. Sirius moved forward, his own wand pointed at the slytherins. James too brought out his wand, though his was pointed directly at Severus.

"Severus, put your wand down." The words came out of Lily's mouth before she could stop them. She simply couldn't stand the sight of her oldest friend and her new friends pointing wands at each other. She couldn't stand Severus pointing a wand at James. She couldn't stand James glaring at Severus and using that childish nickname.

Severus stared at her before lowering his wand, his eyes narrowed. "I hope you're not planning on always hanging around these gits, Lily," he snarled. "You can do much better."

There was a flash of light and the next thing Lily saw was Severus on the ground, howling as his eyebrows grew at an alarming rate. Sirius was nearly doubled over in laughter. Urquhart and Rosier scowled and bent to help Severus up. Lily stared at James, whose chest was heaving. His wand was still pointing at the place Severus had stood.

"Take him to the hospital wing," Remus commanded Rosier and Urquhart. "And if I see either of you roaming the halls tonight, and believe me I will know if you are, you'll wish it had been you who was hexed."

The two slytherins scowled as they helped Severus up and guided him down the corridor as Severus swore at the top of his voice.

The gryffindors stared at the retreating slytherins, Sirius' laughter reverberating off the stone walls. Lily glanced back at James, whose face was still screwed up in anger. She suddenly had the urge to hit him, or jinx him, or do _something_ to make him understand how deeply she loathed him at the moment.

He turned around and his hazel eyes were burning brightly behind his glasses. He saw her red face which was glaring so angrily at him. He scowled.

"What, Evans?"

Lily felt as though she had exploded. "You arse!" she shrieked. Around her, her friends winced and began to back away. Lily didn't care. All she cared about was the fact James Potter was cruel and a bully and had almost fooled her into thinking he was decent.

"You complete prick!" she continued to shout, tears blurring her vision. She didn't bother to wipe them away. "What did you hex him for? He'd already lowered his wand, he wasn't going to do anything and you—you— _I hate you!_ "

James stepped forward angrily so he was looking down at her, his chest heaving and his face white with rage. Behind him, Remus and Alice were ushering the rest of the group down the corridor towards the tower.

"He deserved it," he spat. "The slimy git deserves everything he gets."

"No he doesn't!" Lily screamed. "He doesn't deserve how cruel you are to him—"

" _Cruel?"_ James demanded. "You know what I think is cruel? Hanging around people who attack the girl who's supposed to be your best bloody friend! I think that's pretty fucking cruel. And you call me—"

"Yes I call you cruel!" The tears were streaming down Lily's face now and her breathing grew ragged as she stared at this boy who she had believed, once upon a time, to be the most wonderful person in the world. And now he was nothing more than a bully.

"You—you-" she stammered, unable to articulate what exactly she wanted to tell him. She wanted to say so many things to him. "You ruin everything!" she sobbed before ducking out under his arm and running to the common room.

She climbed through the portrait hole and found Remus and Marlene on one of the couches. Marlene was flipping through an issue of _Witch Weekly_ and Remus seemed to be trying to finish an essay. Both looked up as Lily stumbled through.

"Lily," Marlene jumped up and wrapped an arm around her, guiding her to the couch where they sat down. Remus set aside his parchment and came over to sit by her.

"Lily, what's going on with you and James?" Marlene asked quietly. "I know you two didn't start the year off on excellent terms but it seemed like things were better until tonight."

"He—he ruined it," Lily choked out. "It was fine and then he had to go and ruin everything."

"What happened?" Marlene pressed. Lily covered her face with her hands and told them about what had happened after transfiguration and how James had cursed Mulciber and their argument in the corridor. When she finished, Remus pulled her into a hug and patted her back.

"James is kind of an idiot sometimes," he said quietly. "Especially over things he really cares about."

"He doesn't care anymore," Lily whispered. "He can't care anymore. He wouldn't do this to me if he still cared."

Remus chuckled. "Oh, Lily," he sighed. "You have a lot to learn. James cares about you more than you realize. Trust me, if you had to listen to him talk about it in the dormitory, you would know."

Lily hiccupped and leaned her head on Remus, allowing him and Marlene to take turns patting her back.

"Lils?" Marlene asked tentatively. Lily gave a small nod of acknowledgement.

"Well, I know James wasn't entirely in the right hexing Snape—Severus," the dark haired girl said slowly. "But you need to understand—you've only been hearing Snape's side of this for the last four years. He's attacked James plenty of times. It wouldn't have been too far-fetched for James to assume Snape was going to curse him the second you weren't looking."

Lily closed her eyes. _She's right,_ her mind chided.

 _I know,_ another voice responded. _You know Severus would have done it._

"And Lily?" Marlene was running her fingers through Lily's hair now. It felt nice. Her mum used to do the same thing when Lily was upset.

"Yeah, Marls?"

"Don't be too hard on James. I love the boy, but he's an idiot. He'll figure it out at some point."

"Right," Lily croaked before sitting up. She looked over at Marlene and then at Remus. Both were watching her warily. "Thank you both for doing this," she said quietly. "I'm sorry I'm a bit of a mess tonight."

"Don't worry about it," Remus said firmly, hugging her again. "You have a right to be a bit of a mess right now."

They all looked up at the sound of the portrait hole opening. James entered the common room, his face resuming its cold mask when he spotted Remus' arms around Lily.

"Moony," he said tersely. "I think it's time we went up to the dormitory."

"What if I want him to stay?" Lily challenged. James' eyes flashed but he didn't look at her. Instead, he glared at Remus, who shuffled away from Lily.

"Sorry, Lils," Remus said, giving her a small, apologetic smile. "I'll see you in the morning, alright?"

"Okay," she said resignedly before returning the smile. "Thank you again for everything, Remus."

"No problem, Lily."

Remus disappeared up the spiral staircase, followed by a stormy James. Marlene turned to Lily and raised her eyebrows.

"I'm almost jealous," she said to the redhead. "I've been trying to piss him off for years and he's always so Goddamned level-headed about everything I do. And then you come in here and you don't even have to try."

Lily felt her face flame up again but then the humor of it hit her and before she knew it she was doubled over, overcome with giggles. Marlene joined her a few minutes later and they sat there like two madwomen, cackling away on the couch.

"Oh, b-boys are ridiculous," Lily whimpered between howls of mirth.

"You got that right," Marlene said, wiping tears from her eyes. "Bloody useless, the whole lot. Well, except maybe Remus."

They laughed even harder at this, though they didn't know why. The stress and emotion of the day came pouring out in waves of riotous laughter and Lily couldn't remember a time in the last year she had felt so free. It seemed ever since her mother died she hadn't been able to just let go of everything. It felt wonderful.

"It's been a long day," Lily said to Marlene half an hour later when they trudged up the stairs to their dormitory.

"Tomorrow's going to be longer," her friend answered. "We've got double potions and double history of magic, blech."

Lily climbed into bed and it didn't matter to her if they spent the entire month in history of magic. She glanced at Sarah Carroll's sleeping figure and suddenly didn't care that the girl had been the cause of Lily's quiet humiliation. None of it mattered. Lily smiled at Alice, who was sleeping, and Marlene, who was wrestling with her bedsheets. For the first time she, Lily Evans, had wonderful friends who ate with her and comforted her and laughed with her. And that, Lily thought as she snuggled into her sheets, was something that made all the bloody terrible days bearable.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I hope you enjoyed this chapter, reviews make me very happy please continue to send them!


	6. Sarah Carroll Causes Trouble

_Thanks so much to everyone for the feedback I've gotten. Here's a shameless plug for my other Jily story on here: The Doe's Tale. Check it out!_

* * *

 _Petunia Evans_

 _1562 Highbrush Street_

 _Cokeworth_

Lily stared at her own handwriting on the unopened envelope which had just been dropped in front of her at the breakfast table. Gingerly, she reached out and took it in her hand. Tears pricked her eyes but she bit them back, unwilling to cry in front of the whole school. She turned her face towards the magical ceiling, which showed blue October skies that only served to upset her more.

"Lily, are you okay?" Alice asked from beside her, looking at Lily's upturned face and quivering lip.

"Yes," the redhead answered, hurriedly shoving the returned letter into her pocket and snatching a fork. "No worries, just my sister being a bit difficult, that's all."

"Just making sure," Alice shrugged and returned to her own plate.

"Oh, Lils," Marlene broke in from across the table where she had been holding a spirited conversation with Sirius Black. Now she was facing her two friends, a wide smile on her mouth. She placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hands, still smiling broadly at Lily and Alice, both of whom were placidly eating their eggs. Marlene always went for dramatic effects. In all likelihood she simply wanted to tell them she had finally gotten a Morgana chocolate frog card. "I heard something interesting this morning," the dark haired girl simpered, her smile fading slightly as her friends merely continued eating their breakfast.

"Oh?" Alice asked absently, skillfully ignoring her friend's pout.

"Yes!" Marlene cried. Clearly whatever she wanted to tell them seemed important to her. "I heard Sarah Carroll telling Emmeline this morning that Connor Goldstein, that Ravenclaw who's in charms with us, fancies Lily."

"What?" Lily asked, her green eyes snapping up to look at her friend. Across the table and a few seats down, she noticed Remus and James Potter looking over at Marlene as well. Remus shuffled closer, his face curious. James, upon realizing that Lily was looking at him, gave her an exaggerated wink and waggled his eyebrows before turning back to his plate and stabbing rather aggressively at his eggs.

"Yes, Sarah was saying he told Mile Pilchak that he thinks you're bloody gorgeous and the smartest girl in the class. And then Miles is on the quidditch team with Bertha Jorkins, who can't keep her mouth shut about anything and apparently was yelling about it yesterday in the courtyard where Sarah overheard."

"Oh." Lily frowned and digested the information while wracking her brain for anything she could remember about Connor Goldstein. She came up with almost nothing. He was an average fifteen-year-old boy who was in Ravenclaw and sat a few rows behind her in charms. His light brown hair fell softly over his forehead and he had chocolate brown eyes. Now that she thought of it, Lily didn't think she had ever heard him talk.

"That's probably rubbish," Alice scoffed. "No offense, dear," she shrugged apologetically towards Lily. "I don't mean that as an insult towards you but you've hardly spoken to Connor and we all know that Sarah Carroll is just an awful gossip and I would hardly call Bertha Jorkins a reliable source."

"But it came from Miles—" Marlene started to defend herself.

"You said Sarah overheard Bertha Jorkins talking about it in the courtyard yesterday," Alice said pointedly, putting an arm around Lily. "And if we were to believe everything Bertha says, then it would seem _you_ have been pretty busy, Marlene."

The brunette flushed.

"Who's Bertha Jorkins?" Lily asked, her brow furrowed. Marlene's head whipped towards her and she gaped at her friend.

"You haven't met Jorkins yet?" Marlene gaped. Lily shook her head. Marlene groaned. "That's not fair. It's the end of October! You're long overdue for a dose of Bertha Jorkins."

"But who is she?" Lily asked again.

"She's a seventh year Ravenclaw and the worst busy body you'll ever meet," Marlene said, frowning at the table.

"She's made it her own personal mission to ruin everyone's life at least once," Alice agreed.

"Well…alright then," Lily said slowly. "So you think it's nonsense what they said about Connor? And I should just ignore it?"

"Well—" Alice hesitated, turning to Marlene for help. Marlene straightened up and turned away from her friends for a moment. James and Remus, who had been pretending to be deep in conversation, looked up eagerly.

"What do you think, Remus?" Annoyance flashed across James' face for a moment as his friend hurriedly slid over towards the girls.

"I think Alice is right and that we should remember that Bertha Jorkins isn't a very reliable source," the boy said authoritatively, obviously enjoying the fact his advice had been solicited. Marlene's face fell at his words and Remus quickly added, "but I've definitely seen Connor staring at Lily a few times in charms. It wouldn't be the craziest thing if he did fancy her. And I think they would make a wonderful couple."

"See!" Marlene cried, pumping a fist in the air. "He thinks it's true! Oh, Lils, maybe Connor will ask you to Hogsmeade! I saw a notice that the first visit is to be this weekend, on Halloween!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves here," Lily laughed, watching James out of the corner of her eye and gauging his reaction. He stared sullenly at the group, his breakfast sitting forgotten on the table. Lily felt a pang of guilt. For the past few weeks, after their row in the corridor when James hexed Severus, Lily had done her very best not to think about him at all. He had continued as he had since they arrived at school, being obnoxious in public and making it very easy for her to reprimand him. Yet there continued to be odd little things…the night she had missed dinner to finish a potions essay and someone anonymously sent up a plate heaped with her favorite things…when she had been struggling with transfiguration she had woken up the next morning to find the essay she had left in the common room had been corrected...when Evan Rosier had called her a mudblood in potions he mysteriously turned up in the hospital wing with nasty boils spreading all over his body…

 _You have nothing to feel guilty for,_ she chided herself internally. _He's the one who messed everything up. This isn't your fault._ She shook her head quickly and turned back to her friends.

"I don't even know Connor," she said. Marlene grinned mischievously.

"Oh don't worry about that," she said. "There are ways to make sure you get to know him."

The fifth year gryffindors all walked to charms together that day. Lily dawdled so as to put as much distance as possible between herself and James without obviously doing so. Marlene and Alice walked with her, the three of them huddled conspiratorially as they discussed Sarah Carroll's gossip.

"You're mad!" Lily hissed at Marlene, who was smiling wickedly.

"It would work!" the girl insisted, crunching her neck so her head was almost directly underneath Lily's chin. "Just shove him into a broom closet and nicely ask—"

"Nicely ask?!" Lily shrieked, wondering if she had unwittingly become friends with a madwoman. "Marley, you don't just shove someone in a broom closet and _nicely ask_ something."

Marlene shrugged, unfazed by the objection. "I guess just start snogging him then and see if he stops you."

Lily's face turned scarlet and she began to sputter. "I-but—I can't—not a—only— _no!_ "

Marlene cackled and Alice laid a hand on Lily's shoulder. "Don't let her rile you up, Lily," the blonde said, her face kind though her eyes sparkled with laughter.

They entered the charms classroom and took their seats, Lily supremely self-conscious when she saw Connor Goldstein walk in. Marlene elbowed Lily in the side and the redhead kept her eyes trained on her desk, her face flaming. She shoved her hands unceremoniously in her pockets. In one she felt a crumpled piece of parchment which she hastily pulled out. The forgotten letter, which Petunia had returned to Lily unopened, sat on the desk and Lily had a sudden urge to rip it to shreds. Taking a deep breath, she got ahold of herself and shoved the parchment into her bag before turning to Professor Flitwick, who was starting the day's lesson.

When Flitwick instructed them to divide in pairs and begin practicing the new charm, Lily and her two friends immediately began discussing the "Connor Situation," as Marlene put it.

"You should talk to him, Lily," Alice whispered, flicking her wand lazily and producing a stream of blue sparks.

"And say what?" Lily demanded. "Oh, hello Connor, I'm Lily and I heard you think I'm bloody gorgeous and that's wonderful, say would you like to go snog in a broom closet?"

"Well, I don't know about a broom closet, but I won't say no to a snog."

Lily whipped around and saw Connor standing behind her, his hand going nervously to his hair. James did the same thing, she knew. Somehow it irritated her less when Connor did it. It seemed endearing rather than obnoxious.

"Er—" she stuttered. Behind her, she heard Marlene and Alice giggling.

"Hi, Lily," Connor said, his hands falling to his side. "I, er, heard from someone that you know about me, er, fancying you."

"You don't even know me," Lily blurted out, her face going beet red as soon as the words left her mouth. Connor's ears went red as well as his eyes dropped to the floor.

"I—I know that," he mumbled, his hand jumping to his hair and brushing it off his forehead. "But I would like to get to know you more…if—if you would be okay with that."

Lily's mouth hung open for a moment. Her face felt as though it were on fire.

"Yes, I would like that," she said at last.

Connor's face split into a grin. "Brilliant!" he cried, turning around quickly to ensure that Professor Flitwick, who was on the other side of the room helping Mary MacDonald with her wand movement, hadn't heard. "That—that's wonderful. So, er, would you—would you want to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend? It's really perfectly fine if you have other plans, I just thought I would ask—you know-to get to know you."

"I would love to go," Lily answered, her own lips twitching up at Connor's embarrassment. It was odd, seeing a boy she barely knew get so flustered because he fancied her.

"Perfect! Fantastic, I—I'll see you around then?" Connor said quickly as he walked away, his head over his shoulder to face her. Lily smiled, both from joy and at the ridiculousness of it all.

"Yes, I'll see you around." Connor's brown eyes crinkled as his grin became even wider and at the moment, Lily forgot all about Petunia returning her letter and James Potter being a confusing toerag and purebloods calling her mudblood. Who cared when this boy she had just met had wonderful brown eyes and nearly tripped over his own two feet because he thought that she, Lily Evans, was bloody gorgeous?

"Aargh!"

Lily's moment was shattered by Sirius Black's screech. Evidently James, Sirius' partner, had been distracted while practicing, and as a result Sirius' nose was now shrinking at an alarming rate.

"Mr. Potter, what happened?" Flitwick cried as he stumbled past desks over to Sirius, who had a hand around his nose. "Let me see it, Mr. Black," the tiny charms teacher said, trying to pry Sirius' hand off his face.

"No!" Sirius exclaimed, pulling away. "Nobody can see me like this. I'm ruined! My face—my beautiful face—ruined!" he put his other hand to his forehead and pretended to faint, causing sniggers to pass through the class.

"Well, off to the hospital wing," Flitwick said, forgoing his efforts to get Sirius to remove his hand. "Mr. Potter, you'll have to find a new partner, I'm afraid. And do try to be more careful with this one."

"Will do, Professor," James said. His tone was light but his face was rigid. Lily couldn't see his eyes, he was staring at the wall in front of him, but she was sure if she had they would have been bright and stormy as they always were when James was upset.

 _What happened?_

 _Was it because Connor—_

 _No, don't be silly._

"Let's get back to practicing," Alice said softly, tugging Lily's elbow back to their corner of the room. Lily saw both her friends grinning at her and guessed they weren't going to get much practicing done after all.

"What did I tell you!" Marlene squealed victoriously, thumping Lily lightly on the back. "Did you see him, Lily? He's practically in love with you!"

"He's not in love with me, Marley!"

"I said practically! And anyways, he'll be a wonderful Hogsmeade date."

"Right…about that," Lily began nervously. The idea of actually being alone for an entire day ina strange village with a boy she barely knew had just occurred to her as being a bit frightening.

"We'll go with you, if you'd like," Alice said, giving Lily an understanding smile. "Obviously we'll give you a bit of privacy but we'll be there so it won't be so…overwhelming."

"Right," Lily sighed in relief. "Thanks."

"James, would you mind terribly if I was your partner?" The three girls turned to see Sarah Carroll smiling at James while she twirled a lock of hair around her wand. "Emmeline has already gotten it and I'm so rotten at charms I could use more practice."

"Not at all," James answered, flashing the girl a small smile. Lily felt her stomach turn over. Beside her she heard Marlene give a snort of laughter.

"Fancy Sarah Carroll cozying up to James like that," the brunette said, eyeing Lily. The redhead simply shrugged and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"She's probably trying to get him to ask her to Hogsmeade," Alice said. "You know there's scores of girls who want to go with James. I know for a fact Almira Midgen and Caroline Sloane have already asked him. He was complaining about it last night."

"Well she could be a little less obvious about it," Marlene huffed, clearly displeased with the prospect of Sarah Carroll going to Hogsmeade with her old friend.

They all spun around again and saw James standing beside Sarah with his hand around hers, guiding her wand through the air.

"He's not exactly pushing her away, is he?" Alice said.

Lily said nothing and stared at her shoes. The elation she had felt from Connor's confession and question had evaporated and now she simply felt nauseous. Inside, her mind raged war against itself as she watched Sarah Carroll simper and James give her that small, genuine smile he had given Lily countless times over the summer.

 _He's free to do what he wants! You don't want him!_

 _But it hurts to see him acting this way with someone else_

 _Did you expect him to hold out forever?_

 _He doesn't have to be so public about it!_

 _He's being just as public as Connor was and that wasn't a problem._

 _Connor isn't a toerag._

 _Neither is James._

 _Yes he is!_

 _No he isn't!_

 _He is and I hate him._

 _He's not. He's wonderful and you love him._

 _But I don't want to. I have to stop._

* * *

"Girls!" Sarah Carroll screeched the next night as she pounced on her bed. Lily, who had been playing exploding snap with Marlene on the floor, glanced up.

"What happened?" Emmeline Vance asked excitedly from her bed. As Sarah's best friend, Emmeline was required to inquire excitedly whenever Sarah had an announcement.

The girl in question flopped onto her back and gazed dreamily at the ceiling. "You'll never guess who just asked me to Hogsmeade," she said dreamily.

"Oh, was it Hugo Lagerman?" Emmeline asked enthusiastically. "You were saying how he kept dropping hints at the library."

"No," Sarah said, sitting up and smiling at the dormitory. Her eyes lingered on Lily's for a moment before she sat back against her pillows. "James Potter," she said triumphantly.

"Sarah, that's wonderful!" Emmeline squealed, leaping to her feet. "How did you manage that?"

The blonde shrugged. "We just had a connection, I suppose," she said airily. "You know how it is with these things. By the way, Lily," she looked again at the green-eyed girl, who stared coolly back.

"Yes?" Lily asked, trying to keep venom out of her voice.

"I meant to ask you before but I suppose now is as good a time as ever." Sarah's eyes were narrowed and her voice was overly sweet as she smiled at her roommate. "You don't mind me going with James, of course. I know you two have some sort of _history_ , but really that was done before you even got here. It won't be a problem, will it?"

 _Yes it will be, you bloody no good gossiping slag—_

"No, not at all," Lily smiled back, equally sweetly, her green eyes blazing.

"Why aren't you asking me?" Marlene demanded, looking from Lily to Sarah, who were still engaged in their staring game. Sarah laughed derisively at this.

"Why would I ask you? It's none of your business who I go to Hogsmeade with, McKinnon."

"It is when it's one of my bloody best friends!" Marlene cried.

Sarah gave a high-pitched chuckle that held no mirth and squinted at Marlene. "It's still none of your bloody business, McKinnon, so piss off."

"You're the one who came in here screaming about your date!"

"That wasn't for your benefit!"

A heavy silence hung in the air. Marlene sat back down slowly. Emmeline watched the interaction with wide eyes. Lily stared down at the floor, feeling as though someone had gutted her.

"I—I forgot something in the common room," she mumbled. Before anyone could answer, Lily had run out the dormitory, allowing tears to fall for the first time.

* * *

Halloween arrived and Lily was lined up with Marlene and Connor to go to Hogsmeade. Alice had been asked out the night before by Frank Longbottom, a sixth year in their house, and so she was waiting up for him. Lily frowned slightly and tugged at the hem of her jumper that was just a mite too short.

It had been a long week. Connor had taken to talking to Lily in charms and walking with her between classes, which excited her, but also left her in a state of constant self-consciousness, feeling as though everybody knew about the date and were watching. In reality, many people were watching. Being new and very pretty and incredibly talented, Lily was an object of fascination to the Hogwarts gossip mill and the student body was interested to see which boy would succeed in winning her heart, especially as it seemed James Potter had lost it over the summer.

James was another reason it had been a long week. He had continued doing the small, quiet favors which Lily appreciated so much, but had stopped with the public and embarrassing gestures. While Lily was glad to be rid of the embarrassment, the newer James only served to confuse her. And now that he seemed to be talking to Sarah Carroll so much, going as far as to sit with her in the common room one night, it was too much.

Marlene left as they began to walk outside, claiming to have seen a friend though she winked when Lily caught her eye. Lily sighed slightly and began twisting her hands around.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked, taking Lily's fidgeting wrist gently in his hand and looking down at her. His eyes looked like pools of chocolate and Lily was struck at that moment of just how attractive Connor really was. How could she not have noticed him before?

"Yeah," she smiled at him. "Sorry, this jumper doesn't fit quite right."

Connor's hand moved to her back and he glanced appreciatively at her jeans and white sweater. "You look fantastic," he said sincerely. "Don't worry about it."

Lily grinned and moved so she stood directly next to him.

"So," she said slowly, her mouth still curled into a smile. "Should we start getting to know each other?"

Connor laughed and removed his hand from her back, moving it to brush his hair from his face. "Yes, I suppose we should," he said. "I'll start…er…d'you just want to ask questions? See what the other person wants to know? If it's something you don't want to talk about just say so."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Lily agreed, nodding.

"Right, so," Connor's voice shifted nervously. "er, do you have any brothers or sisters?"

Lily froze. She hadn't been expecting that question, which was ridiculous as it was a fairly typical question. She recovered quickly, though, and answered lightly. "Just one older sister, though she rather makes me wish I were an only child." Connor laughed again at this and Lily felt her confidence grow. He was very easy to talk to. "And you?" she prompted.

"Four sisters," he said. "Two older, two younger."

"Wow," Lily responded. "So you've got the whole 'girl talk' thing down? Should I come to you for hair advice?"

"I don't know how much help I would be," he joked. "but I would definitely be willing to try."

Lily felt her cheeks flame at this and she gaped at him. "I—well—"

"Your turn to ask a question," he reminded her softly. Lily took a deep breath and willed her face to return to a natural color.

"Right," she said, casting around for topics. Her eyes landed on James, who was helping Sarah Carroll into a carriage. No! She couldn't think of James right now. She was with Connor. Connor who was very sweet and easy to talk to and had lovely chocolate colored eyes. "Er—favorite subject?"

"Well this year I would say charms," he said with a grin as they approached a carriage of their own. "Usually—" he held his hand out to help her in, just as James had done for Sarah, "I like care of magical creatures."

"Really?" Lily asked in surprised.

"Yeah," he said sheepishly. "I like animals a lot. I've been looking into doing something with magizoology once I'm done here."

"That's wonderful!" Lily cried as the carriage rolled towards the village. "Really, Connor, it's amazing you have something you really like."

"How about you, Lilyflower?" he asked affectionately, his eyes bright. "What's the brilliant Lily Evans' favorite subject?"

"Well, I do love charms," she teased. "But if not charms then potions. I adore potions."

"Really?" Connor raised his eyebrows. "That's not usually a subject you hear people say they adore. I think the word 'loathe' is used more often than not."

Lily laughed. "Yes, I know most people aren't very fond of it," she said with a wry smile. "But something about it just relaxes me. I love how there's a process and it's all very straightforward. I'm muggle-born, you know, and so it was a great relief to me when I was learning all these magical things and there was a subject which required no magical knowledge, only an ability to follow instructions."

"Oh yes, I forgot you're muggle-born," Connor said. "What's that like? Was it strange to learn there's a whole other world?"

"Very strange," Lily told him. "It's like I don't fully belong in either, honestly. People back home think I'm strange because I stay in the house and read all sorts of funny books and some people here don't think I belong just because of my birth."

"Well, those are just prejudiced twats who are jealous of your talent," Connor said warmly as the carriage came to a halt just outside the Three Broomsticks. He gestured towards the pub and took Lily's hand. "Would you care to continue getting to know each other inside?"

She nodded and allowed Connor to pull her out of the carriage. They made their way to the bar. Just before they reached the door, Connor turned and bent down, whispering right in her ear, "I must say, Lily Evans, you just become more and more fascinating the longer I'm with you."

She blushed as he pulled away and opened the door. Behind her, Lily heard a grunt. She turned to see James and Sarah entering the pub as well. Sarah was chatting away happily about some fourth year hufflepuff who had kissed a second year. James' jaw was tight and his eyes flashed as they locked onto Lily's before she quickly turned away.

Connor found them a table by a window and they passed an hour discussing whether or not Professor McGonagall had ever been drunk, the merits of both wizard and muggle music, and a new band called the Weird Sisters which Lily had never heard of but Connor insisted was the greatest band to ever live.

"I'll get a record for you," he told her. "You said your birthday's in January? Perfect. I'm going to get you a record and then you'll see. They're wonderful."

"Okay, I'll listen to them. I'm just saying I don't think they can possibly be better than the Beatles—"

"Hello, lovebirds!" Marlene called as she slid into a seat next to Lily. Connor looked put out for a minute, but recovered quickly and flashed a smile at Lily's friend.

"Hi, McKinnon, how're you enjoying your day in the village?"

"It's been bloody brilliant," Marlene answered with a grin. "Between you two and Frank and Alice I've had a marvelous time. Connor, have you told our Lily here about the feast yet? Alice and I realized we forgot to mention it to her."

"No, I haven't!" Connor said, turning to Lily, whose eyebrows had shot up at the mention of a Halloween feast.

"There's a feast tonight?" the redhead asked.

"Yes, like the first night," Marlene said enthusiastically. "It's wonderful and the Great Hall is always decorated. You'll love it, Lils, it's positively killing."

"It is very nice," Connor agreed. "You'll have a great time, I promise."

Lily smiled reassuringly at him and they lapsed back into easy conversation, this time with Marlene commanding part of their attention.

" _Oy! McKinnon_!" The voice of Sirius Black preceded the person and Lily suppressed a groan as she saw the black haired boy, accompanied by Peter and Remus, appear and take a seat at their table.

"Future Mrs. Prongs," Sirius greeted Lily. "Goldstein." He gave Connor a curt nod.

"Hello Black, Pettigrew, Lupin," Connor said without much enthusiasm. Evidently this interruption was less welcome than Marlene's. "What can we do for you?"

"We just wanted to stop and say hello, that's all," Sirius said nonchalantly.

"I haven't seen Lily all day," Remus said, smiling at Lily, who grinned back.

"Oh, let them stay, Connor," she acquiesced. "They'll be less obnoxious if they know we're alright with them being here."

Connor sighed and took one of Lily's hands, but said nothing to argue. Sirius frowned as he looked at Lily and Connor's interlocking fingers.

"So are you two together now?" he asked with no preamble.

"Sirius!" Marlene cried, spilling butterbeer on the table in her indignation. "Don't ask questions like that, you prat! You know bloody well it's their first date now stop trying to ruin it!"

"I'm not trying to ruin anything!" Sirius said, raising his hands up in surrender. "Mad birds always jump to conclusions."

"She has reasons to—" Remus defended Marlene. "You know, Sirius, sometimes you're a little insensitive…"

"I just asked a bloody question!"

"You made things awkward!"

"They were already awkward!"

Connor gave a small cough and removed his hand from Lily's. "Right," he said slowly, looking pointedly at Sirius and Remus. "I'm going to the restroom and then after, would you like to go to Honeydukes, Lily?"

"Sure, Connor," she answered, shooting Marlene a warning _don't you dare come too_ glance.

"Excellent," Connor said before walking away towards the bathroom.

"Er, Lily?" Remus asked quickly once Connor was out of sight.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Would you mind accompanying me outside for just a moment? There's, er, something I need to show you."

"We'll let Connor know you'll be just a moment if he comes back," Peter squeaked.

Lily gave Remus a puzzled look but rose nonetheless.

"What do you need?" she asked once they were outside the Three Broomsticks. Remus glanced around nervously, pulling his cloak tighter around him.

"Er—"

"About bloody time, Moony!"

Lily shrieked as James appeared out of thin air.

"Where did you—"

In answer he held up a bundle of silvery, fluid fabric. "Invisibility cloak," he said simply. "Family heirloom."

"Oh," Lily choked out, still not recovered from the shock. In a moment though, realization and anger hit her simultaneously. She whipped around to face Remus, who was looking at her apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Lily. Just hear him out."

" _Remus!_ "

"He's one of my best friends. And you need this as much as he does." And with that, Remus walked back inside the pub. Lily made to go after him, willing herself not to sneak a look at James, but before she had taken more than three steps she felt his familiar hand close around her upper arm.

"Lily, come on," he pleaded. She froze. She hadn't heard that pleading, that vulnerability since the summer…

"What do you want?" she whispered.

"I want to start over," James said quietly, his hazel eyes staring at her beseechingly. "I want us to be friends. We don't have to be what we were this summer, but I don't want things to continue the way they are now."

"James—"

"I miss you, Lily," he cut her off, his eyes not once wavering. "I miss talking with you and laughing with you. Please, can we just be friends?"

Lily faltered. She wanted so badly to say yes, to hug him and tell him she wanted nothing more than to talk and laugh with him again. But images of Severus infiltrated her mind, and with him came images of the James she hated, the cruel, arrogant James. James who hexed Severus for no reason other than he could, James who threw a firework in someone's cauldron for a laugh, James who hexed younger students simply because they were annoying.

"I don't want to be friends with you, James," she said coldly, wrenching her arm from his grasp. He stared at her, his hazel eyes still imploring.

"Lily—"

"No!" she cried it out, her confusion and anger pouring out in the single syllable. "No. I don't want to be friends with you. You're arrogant. You're a bully. You're mean. I don't want to be friends with someone like that."

His eyes were no longer pleading, but cold and angry. James snapped his jaw shut and glared down at her. "Fine," he bit out, stepping back. "If that's what you want."

"It is," Lily whispered. Her face felt hot, though it was not from embarrassment. Once again, she felt tears needle past her eyes and she fought to keep them back as she turned on her heel and marched back into the pub, never once looking back at James.

* * *

The Halloween feast that night was a splendid affair, and Lily surely would have enjoyed every moment of it were no for the bitterness which permeated her mood following her conversation with James.

Marlene had asked what happened to put Lily in such a foul mood, but Lily said nothing and was spared from her friend's relentlessness by Alice, who was eager to share every detail of her date with Frank.

The feast passed slowly and Lily only picked at her food. Connor came over to the Gryffindor table to tell ask if she would like to meet the next day in the library to work on homework. Lily agreed with a smile, but the momentary happiness quickly dissipated once Connor returned to the Ravenclaws.

She was thankful when it was all finally over and she could go back to the dormitory. Lily walked with Alice and Marlene, who were still happily chattering about Alice's day, when they heard rustling coming from a nearby closet. Alice stopped her story of how Frank had insisted on buying her Honeyduke's chocolate, and sighed.

"That's Filch's cleaning supplies closet. Honestly, people have got to be more discreet. I suppose I should do something seeing as I'm a prefect." The blonde walked over to the closet and rapped smartly on the door before opening it. She gave a small shriek and backed up. Marlene and Lily both craned their necks to see what was so shocking. Both their jaws dropped instantly.

In the claustrophobic space, twisted around mops and bottles of vicious sounding magical cleaners, stood a very rumpled Sarah Carroll and James Potter. Both looked sheepishly at Alice. James refused to look anywhere near Lily.

"For heaven's sake!" Alice cried upon regaining her senses. "Honestly, Potter, you arguably have the most extensive knowledge of all the hiding spots in the castle and you choose this closet to snog in?"

James shrugged, his ears scarlet. He mumbled something about "not much time," and then made a big production of straightening his glasses, which sat lopsided on his nose.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," Alice said sadly. "Get back to the common room."

They all walked back in silence, either too tired or too embarrassed to make conversation. In the common room Lily bid goodnight to her friends, promising to tell them every detail of her date the next day." She glanced around the room as she walked to the spiral stairs. James had sat by the fireplace with Sarah and Emmeline, giving them his undivided attention. Lily ran up the stairs and fell into bed, allowing exhaustion to overtake her.

She slept long and hard, so long and hard in fact that she missed breakfast the following morning. When Lily finally made it down to the common room she half expected to find a plate of food with a note, as she had the previous two times she had missed meals.

There was nothing. The common room was deserted. Comprehension dawned on Lily as she realized, though she had suspected all along, who it was that left the food. And then Lily understood. She had chosen this. She had gotten what she wanted.

James was done.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Reviews—send them! I hope you liked this chapter and if you did, or if you didn't, or if you have a suggestion, please tell me! I admit I am a feedback driven person and reviews make my day so much better! I'm going to make an effort to respond to reviews down here from now on.

 **VileMalfoys** Thanks for the reviews and the critiques, I'm trying to make the story as action-based as possible but it gets difficult as it doesn't always follow canon, which is why there is extensive background in the beginning.

 **Jilyforeva** thank you so much, I'm glad you like it!

 **Alinajow20002003** thank you! I really like the Remus/Lily friendship and plan on really building it up. And I'm glad you like James getting jealous over it because I totally see that as being something he would do!


	7. Adjusted Relationships

November at Hogwarts slipped by quickly for Lily. She had found a steady group of friends in Marlene, Alice, and Remus, she had finally gotten used to the many nuances of living in a giant castle instead of her suburban home, and the O.W.L. examinations loomed over the heads of her and her fellow fifth years. The fact that she and James Potter were steadfastly avoiding each other also helped to occupy Lily's crammed mind.

Since the Hogsmeade visit, neither had said a word to the other. In fact, if they weren't in the same house, they may not have seen each other at all. As it was, both Lily and James were doing their very best to not interact, and save for one occasion in the Gryffindor common room when a rushing Lily ran headlong into James before sputtering a flustered apology and running off to the Great Hall, they were succeeding at ignoring each other.

This endeavor was much easier seeing as James was officially "going out" with Sarah Carroll, and therefore did not sit with the other Marauders, Marlene, Alice, and Lily at meals and often was absent from their evenings in the common room. Where the hazel-eyed boy and his squawky girlfriend were during these times, Lily did not like to imagine. She tried rather hard to pretend neither Sarah nor James existed, though this was rather difficult as Sarah Carroll had an aggravating habit of leaping into the dormitory at night, gushing in loud whispers to Emmeline Vance about all the wonderful things her James had done and all the lovely things he said.

"He told me I'm not like any girl he's ever known," Sarah proclaimed haughtily on one particularly painful night, her brown eyes staring pointedly at Lily. "He said I'm magnificent, and that he wishes I had been the first girl he kissed because then he wouldn't have had to go through all the others first."

"That's so romantic," Emmeline sighed, flopping backwards on her bed.

Lily bent down, pretending to search under her bed for a book. Her face burned; it felt as though her stomach was in her throat.

"Isn't it romantic?" she heard Sarah ask in her silly falsetto voice. Lily fought the urge to stand up and smack the smirk off the gloating girl's face. "Say, Lily?" Sarah asked suddenly with thinly veiled triumph in her voice. "Did James ever say anything like that to you?"

"Honestly, Sarah," Marlene bit out before Lily could answer. "Do you get off on being a bitch?"

Sarah scowled and tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder. "I just thought it was a worthwhile question to ask. You know, compare the _old_ and the _new_."

Lily had made it a point since then to pretend to be asleep when Sarah came up, or else to stay in the common room until a late enough hour that the James-talk would be done.

To her relief, Marlene and Alice were just as irritated by the new relationship as Lily, though for entirely different reasons.

"He's like my brother!" Marlene complained every other morning as they discussed Sarah Carroll's oversharing. "I don't want to know all that! I don't want to know what kind of a snog he is!"

"You wanted to know that when it was me who was snogging him," Lily said indignantly.

"But that's you," Marlene waved off the objection. "You two would be so cute. And anyways, I've seen him snogging Sarah, it's disgusting."

"You're telling me," Alice sighed. "I've caught them in the transfiguration classroom four times! Four! Honestly, I don't know why they can't just find a new spot, I'm sure James knows about a hundred places where no one would find them."

"Maybe he wants to get caught," Marlene said slyly, glancing at Lily, who turned bright red and immediately tried to stop whatever words were coming next.

"No, Marley! I've told you this before—"

"Oh, come on, Lily," the brunette whined. "I know James, he's a jealous prat and he likes to make other people jealous when he doesn't get what he wants. Who says he's not just doing this to get under your skin?"

"Because we're not twelve," Lily said firmly. "And anyways, if he was doing it just to make me jealous, he would have stopped by now. It's not working. And there's Connor."

Connor Goldstein had been talking to Lily ever since their date in Hogsmeade. They were a _something_ , she knew that much, although as to what exactly they were, she did not know. She liked Connor and enjoyed the time she spent with him. He made her laugh, he was smart, he was kind, he didn't bully younger students and he didn't throw fireworks in other people's cauldrons. They spent most evenings together in the library doing their work, and occasionally would meet up for a game of exploding snap. Lily knew if he asked her to be his girlfriend she would say yes; but for some reason Connor hadn't asked. She alternated between being worried she had done something wrong and convincing herself she didn't care. The worry usually won out.

"You're fine, darling," Alice soothed one fretful evening in the common room. "He's probably just nervous. Remember what he was like just asking you to go to the village with him?"

"Right, right," Lily muttered, combing her hands feverishly through her hair and rolling her eyes as James and Sarah Carroll clambered noisily through the portrait hole. "I don't know why they can't find somewhere private," she grumbled as the couple plopped themselves onto an armchair, with Sarah sitting in James lap, and began snogging unashamedly. Marlene and Sirius made gagging noises on the couch across from Lily.

"Bloody disgusting," Sirius said, scowling at his best friend and the blonde wrapped around him.

"Blech," Peter squeaked in agreement from an armchair.

"Like you don't do your share of snogging," Marlene reprimanded, turning to Sirius.

"I'm not denying it," Sirius said, though not without a trace of pride. "But I do it in the comfort and privacy of a nice broom cupboard, not out in the common room for everyone to see. And look, they're scaring the first years!" He pointed to a couple of small first years in a corner, who were staring at James and Sarah with a mixture of awe and trepidation, as though frightened to move in case they disturbed the occupied older students.

"Isn't it gross, Lilyflower?" Sirius asked. Lily's face, which had been crinkled with worry lines, smoothed and a smile appeared. Since the start of James' relationship, Lily had found herself becoming friends with Sirius Black, their mutual dislike of Sarah Carroll overshadowing her previous dislike for him.

"Absolutely disgusting," she replied, smiling. "Remus," she appealed to her favorite Marauder, who sat in an armchair nearby. "Can't you do something about it?"

Remus sighed and glanced over at his friend. "I technically could. They're really not supposed to do that here. But then I would have to actually approach them—"

" _Please!_ "

"Fine."

It didn't matter if James snogged a hundred girls, Lily told herself as Remus moved to separate the ostentatious couple. It didn't matter to her and either way, she assured herself firmly as Sarah Carroll slithered off James' lap, her mouth twisted into a triumphant smirk. Really, Lily thought as she watched a red-faced James lean forward and plant an open-mouth kiss on Sarah Carroll, it didn't matter. The other three Marauders were wonderful friends and it didn't matter to her what James chose to do. It didn't matter at all.

While her friendship with Remus and Sirius blossomed, Lily found herself struggling to maintain her relationship with Severus. They met once a week in the library, the most inconspicuous place they could think of, in order to do homework and catch up with each other. Lily looked forward to the time she shared with her friend, though it had become rather difficult to hold a real conversation with Sev around all the tabooed topics.

As a rule since the beginning of term, neither one mentioned James nor the past summer. Severus knew not to comment on any of the other Marauders or Marlene or Alice or Connor. Lily, in turn did not say anything about Mulciber or Rosier, who had left her alone, save for an occasional hiss of _Mudblood_ in her ear. Quidditch was avoided as that discussion usually ended in Severus ranting about James Potter's undeserved popularity. Lily didn't bring up their hometown or families as neither one had really a happy home life. Between Sev's abusive father and Petunia returning Lily's last six letter unopened, neither of them wanted to be reminded of what awaited them at home.

And so the weekly conversations at the library were stalled and often revolved around schoolwork, held in hushed voices so as not to incur the wrath of Madam Pince the librarian.

"Bertha Jorkins says you've ditched Goldstein," Severus said without preamble one night, his black eyes gleaming. "She says he never made a move and you got bored and left."

"Honestly," Lily huffed, nearly overturning an inkwell in her indignation. "Bertha Jorkins just makes these things up, I swear. As if I would ditch somebody for that!" Severus' face fell, but Lily did not see and plowed on, her voice getting louder as she worked herself up. "He's a perfectly nice person…everyone's entitled to go at their own pace. Of course I don't know why it's taking so long but it doesn't matter. And why would I ditch him for taking too long? That seems rather counterproductive, don't you think?"

"I don't know why you're so keen on him in the first place," Severus muttered, leaning forwards so his hooked nose almost touched his parchment. "There's nothing special about him at all."

"I like him," Lily said defensively. "And I'm the one who has to spend time with him, not you, so it doesn't matter at all what you think."

"Not at all?" Severus' voice was dangerously low. Lily looked up and was startled to find his eyes glaring at her with an intensity she had only seen when he spoke of his hatred for James. "It really doesn't matter to you, Lily, what your best friend thinks of the bloke you're spending so much time with?"

"I—Sev—you know that's not what I meant—"

"What did you mean then?"

"Only that you don't have to be so harsh about him! I'm the one who has to put up with him, not you, so if you could please just try to be nice. I understood it with James—"

Severus let out an angry noise from the back of his throat. "Don't talk to me about Potter," he spat. "I still can't believe you—"

"I said I was sorry," Lily cut him off, her eyes narrowed. "And I ended things with him and now he and I are barely speaking. That's what you wanted, isn't it? For me to have no interaction with him? Well it happened, congratulations. It's done." Her eyes were sparkling with unshed tears as she stared at her oldest friend, begging him to understand.

"But you still—"

"What more do you want from me, Sev?" Lily asked quietly. "I'm done with Potter. I ended it because of you. And now with Connor, he's nothing like James. Nothing at all, I promise. And you're still not happy for me and I don't know why and all I want is for my friend—my best friend to be on my side."

Severus took a deep breath and reached a hand out to cover her own with his. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said, his black eyes boring into her green ones. "I—I am happy for you. I'll just never think anyone is good enough for you, that's all."

Lily gave him a tight smile and squeezed his hand. "Thank you," she whispered.

* * *

November turned into December and the excitement of Christmas filled the castle. Lily continued about her routine, going to classes and managing homework and spending evenings either in the library with Connor or curled up on a couch with her friends in the common room. Before Lily knew it, it was the night before Christmas holidays. She stood in the dormitory getting dressed for Slughorn's Christmas party.

"I can't believe you got invited," Mary MacDonald said enviously from behind Lily.

"I still don't really know why I was," Lily admitted, turning slightly so she could see how the dark green robes Mary had loaned her fit.

"It's because you're brilliant," the brunette answered immediately, giving Lily a quick smile and reaching out to adjust the hem of the robes. Mary was unfairly forgotten, Lily decided. The girl, who had light brown hair and blue eyes, was kind and generous and smart and all the other good things which usually attracted many friends, but somehow, maybe because of her quiet demeanor and shyness, Mary was always on the outskirts of the group. She didn't seem to have any particular friends. She hung around with Marlene and Alice and Lily sometimes, but she was found with Emmeline and Sarah just as often. Lily had been nice to her, but not overly affectionate, and yet when she asked haltingly to borrow a set of robes for the party Mary had offered up a set without hesitation, and now sat before her proclaiming Lily's virtues back to her without a trace of anything except good natured, friendly jealousy.

"You look stunning, Lily," Mary breathed from the foot of her bed where she now sat criss-cross, gazing up at the redhead who truly did look arresting in the green robes which brought out the pale flush on her cheeks and the brightness of her green eyes.

"Thank you," Lily blushed brighter at the compliment, still unsure of herself. Dress robes looked so odd compared to muggle clothes, she wasn't sure if she looked presentable or not.

"Connor's going to be speechless," Mary said. The door to the dormitory opened and Lily turned, hoping to find Marlene arriving in order to get dressed. Her heart sank, though, as Sarah Carroll entered, holding in her arms a swathe of turquoise fabric which Lily presumed to be the girl's dress robes.

"My, you look interesting!" Sarah chirped when she saw Lily standing in front of the mirror. She smiled quickly and immediately began changing into her nicer clothes.

"Thank you," Lily said stiffly, brushing nonexistent dust from her lap. "I didn't know you were invited to the party."

"I'm not," Sarah said, her grin growing wider. "But James is, you know as he is so very talented at potions and so well-liked, really I can't imagine how Slughorn could even think of not inviting him!"

"Oh," Lily choked out, moving to fasten a silver charm bracelet, a gift which Petunia had given her a few years ago, around her wrist.

"Yes, and you know as he is my boyfriend, it's only natural that he would take me as his guest."

 _Click_ the clasp slipped into place, catching a bit of Lily's skin with it. "Of course," she said pleasantly as she winced and rubbed her wrist.

The door flew open again and Marlene came racing into the dormitory, falling to her knees and digging through her trunk for her robes.

"Oh, buggar, I left the gold ones at home!" she said, half to herself. "I suppose I could wear the blue…no but I don't…oh!" she withdrew a set of scarlet robes and held them up.

"What do you think?" she asked Lily, twirling around the dormitory with the robes still held up against her.

Lily laughed. "You would look spectacular in those and you know it."

"Yes I do," Marlene agreed, beginning to change. "I just wanted a second opinion on it. You know, in case I was wrong."

"You all look wonderful," Mary said from her corner of the room. "I wish I could go to one of these sometime, they seem like so much fun."

"They're alright," Marlene said nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders. "It's a lot of people schmoozing with famous people and Slughorn drinking too much mead. If you want to go, though, I'll bring you next time, Mare. Unfortunately, I've already invited Remus to this one, but next time I'm all yours."

"Really?" Mary's blue eyes lit up as her face broke into a smile. "Oh, that would be wonderful!"

"No problem," Marlene waved it off and turned back to the mirror. With a flick of her wand, her dark brown hair was curled. With a swipe of mascara and red lipstick to match her dress, Marlene pronounced herself ready.

"You've got to show me how to do the hair thing," Lily muttered as they walked down the spiral stairway. "I spent half an hour trying to get my hair right. It's a right pain."

"You look divine anyways," Marlene said. "I almost don't want to teach you because then you'll definitely outshine me at everything."

They arrived in the common room in time for Remus to see Lily punch Marlene playfully in the arm.

"Always so ladylike," he joked, taking Marlene's arm and offering Lily his free one, which she took.

"Oh, you know, gotta teach Evans a few lessons now and then to remind her who's in charge," Marlene said, earning a pinch from Lily behind Remus' back as they moved through the portrait hole and began walking to Slughorn's office.

"Ow!" Marlene howled, scowling at the laughing redhead. "Watch it, or else when we see Connor I'll—"

"What's this about me?"

They stopped and Lily's heart leapt as she saw Connor waiting by a tapestry, his black dress robes meticulous and his hair neatly combed back. She let go of Remus and strode over to her date, who bent down to drop a kiss on her cheek.

"You look stunning," he whispered before straightening up. Lily blushed and allowed Connor to wrap an arm around her waist. The four of them all walked together to Slughorn's office.

"You two go in," Connor said to Marlene and Remus, holding Lily still beside him. "We'll be in in a moment."

Lily's friends glanced curiously at her for a second but turned and entered the party. When the door had closed behind them, Connor turned to Lily and took her hands in his.

"Er, Lily?" he asked, his face turning red and the easy confidence from earlier giving way to the embarrassment which she remembered fondly from when he had first asked her out.

"Yes?" she asked in what she hoped was an assuring tone.

"I, er, well I wanted to ask you something." Connor fidgeted with her fingers which were encased in his, his eyes staring nervously at the floor between them. "Dyawannabmygirfred?" he mumbled in one breath.

"Excuse me?" Lily asked quickly. Her own cheeks were beginning to feel warm but she didn't care because the light feeling in her chest, the joy which she felt, was so uplifting, if he had asked what she thought he had.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Connor asked slower this time, his face scarlet. Lily could practically see the steam pouring off his roasting cheeks. His eyes grew wider as he looked at her like a scared deer. "I, er, it's fine if you don't, but, er, well we've been spending a lot of time together and I—I really like you, Lily, and I think you're so pretty and smart and—"

"Connor, I'd love to," she broke in, standing on tip toes to press a quick kiss to his cheek. Connor gazed at her for a second, absorbing her answer, before breaking into a grin and seizing her upper arms to pull her in for a hug.

"Oh, this is the best! You're my girlfriend now, wow—"

"Can this touching moment take place somewhere else?" a bored drawl rang out behind them. Connor released Lily and she turned around to see a giggling Sarah Carroll and stony-faced James Potter, who was glaring at the spot where Connor's hands had been on Lily's arms.

"You're blocking the door," the bespectacled boy said tersely.

"Sorry about that, mate," Connor said, his face still plastered with the same wide smile. He moved to the side and pulled Lily with him in order to make way for James and Sarah. James stalked into the party without looking at either of them, with Sarah close behind, waggling her eyebrows at Lily.

"So, er, should we go in?" Lily asked, twisting the silver bracelet on her wrist. Seeing James had unnerved her.

 _Why was he so angry?_

She followed Connor inside Slughorn's office, which had somehow been magically enlarged as there seemed to be fifty people milling around. Servers weaved between guests, holding trays full of pasties and cakes and flutes of butterbeer. Lily quickly spotted Marlene and Remus standing by a high-top table and made her way over with Connor close behind.

"So?" Marlene prodded as they approached, her knowing smile directed at Lily. "What's the news?"

"We're together," Lily told her friends, her beaming face swiveling between her friends. "Officially."

"Oh, that's fantastic!" Marlene cried, reaching out to hug Lily. "And hey," the brunette peered around her friend to point a finger at Connor, who looked taken aback. "If you do anything to hurt her, you'll have me plus the Marauders after you."

"I won't do anything, I promise," Connor said, looking as though he weren't sure whether the threat was a joke or not. Lily herself was not sure.

Remus grabbed four flutes of butterbeer from a nearby server and handed them around.

"Alice said she would meet us here," Marlene told Lily after taking a hearty swig from her glass. "She and Frank wanted to 'spend some quality time together' before arriving."

"Blech," Lily said. "You'd think they've been together for six years, not six weeks. So they're shacking up in a broom cupboard as we speak?"

"At least they've got better manners than some of our friends," Remus said, pointing to James and Sarah, who were in a fierce liplock at a nearby table and attracting several onlookers.

"Hey, those are your friends, not mine," Lily said.

"Lily," Remus began, tilting his head towards her in sympathy. "Come on, you know that's not—"

" _Oy!_ I found them! Pete, over here!" Sirius came striding over to the group, wearing a pair of silver dress robes. Lily couldn't help thinking how handsome he was when he tried to be.

"How did I guess that Prongs would be too busy snogging that Cornish pixie to notice I got in?" Sirius huffed, looking slightly put out at not being able to share his victory.

"How did you get in?" Marlene asked, her brow furrowed. "I thought you weren't invited?"

"We weren't," Sirius said proudly. "We're gatecrashers."

"That's right!" Peter said, looking very pleased with himself. "We snuck in."

"Won't Slughorn kick you out?" Connor asked from behind Lily. He placed a hand on her waist as he spoke, tugging her back slightly so her shoulders touched his chest.

"Nah," Sirius said. "He probably won't remember that I'm banned from these."

"You're _banned_?" Lily asked in disbelief, blinking at Sirius. The black haired boy laughed, brushing hair off his forehead and grinning at her.

"That I am, Lilyflower," he said. "Shocking, I know. I had a bit too much to drink at one and what would you know but I found myself on the dance floor trying to convince a ministry official's wife to kiss me."

Connor and Lily both erupted into laugher at the story, while the others chuckled over the old memory.

"Hello everyone!" the laugher subsided immediately as they looked warily at Sarah Carroll, whose lipstick was smeared and who was leading a very disgruntled-looking James over to them.

"Hey," Remus said quickly, glancing around at everyone else. Marlene and Sirius were both looking at Sarah in annoyance. Peter looked blank. Marlene was skeptical and Lily was searching for an excuse to leave.

"I thought it would be lovely for us to come over and chat a bit with Jamie's friends!" Sarah said brightly, pulling James into the group. He glanced sheepishly around, his hazel eyes falling to look at the ground when they landed on Lily.

"Jamie?" Sirius asked, perking up a bit at the sound of the nickname. "Yes," he said slowly, a smile appearing on his face. "We'd love to talk to Jamie."

"Shut it, Padfoot," James said, staring at the table.

"But Jamie—" the two boys then began talking as though nothing was amiss, James roaring with laughter over Sirius and Peter crashing the party.

Remus turned to Lily and Connor, asking about their plans for the holidays. And so, with the palpable tension broken, the party went on.

"Evans, what's on your bracelet?" Sirius asked from across the table.

"They're charms," Lily said, undoing the clasp and holding the jewelry out to show Sirius, who immediately took it and held it up to his face, examining the tiny charms.

"Why are they all—"

"Oh what is he doing here?" Sarah Carroll cut in, pointing at a new arrival who looked very out of place in his black school. Severus saw her point and scowled, making his way past the table and not looking at any of the Gryffindors, not even Lily.

"Severus was invited," Lily said coldly, glaring at her roommate as she watched her friend walk away.

"Oh, was he?" Sarah asked, her irritating smile once again playing at her lips. "I didn't know. I heard from Bertha Jorkins he' wants to join up with You Know Who, is it true?"

Lily balled her hands into fists. How dare this girl come over here and start talking about Severus like this? She looked furiously at Marlene, who was staring at Lily with thinly veiled anticipation.

To Lily's surprise, Connor laid a hand on her shoulder before answering. "He's not," his voice rumbled. Sarah looked at him in surprise.

"How would you know?" she asked, her brown eyes trained on his hand, which still laid protectively on Lily.

"My girlfriend says he's not. And I trust Lily's judgement," Connor said simply. Lily felt like she could have kissed him. So she did. She didn't care that they were at Slughorn's party or that all her friends stood around her. She turned around and met Connor's lips with hers. His hands moved to her waist and he responded eagerly. Her hands twisted around his neck…

"Aargh!"

Lily whipped around in time to see Severus crash to the ground ten feet away, his arms flailing. Across from her, James held his wand out, not bothering to hide it. His hazel eyes were murderous as he glared down at the slytherin on the floor.

His eyes met Lily's and he opened his mouth but she had already turned on her heel and grabbed Connor by the sleeve of his dress robes. Without a word Lily stalked away from her friends, who were all staring around at one another.

"Lils, where are we going?" Connor asked, trying to catch her around the waist and stop her. "What just happened? First you kissed me, and it was bloody amazing and then Snape fell and now you're walking away and just—did I do something?"

Lily finally stopped and faced Connor, guilt eating at her chest at his words. She put a hand on his. "No, you didn't do anything," she said quickly. "I just—Severus is a friend of mine and James is always doing that. I had to leave."

Connor nodded slowly and pulled her in towards him. "Can I have a little warning next time?" he asked with a chuckle. Lily laughed.

"Yeah, I'll try to give you a five minute heads up."

"That's all I ask," he said.

Lily smiled and looked at his hand in hers. He was wonderful.

"Oh, shit," she groaned, staring at her hand. "I left my bracelet there. I'll be right back." She quickly detached herself from Connor and walked quickly back to the table. James and Sarah had departed, leaving the remaining Marauders and Marlene standing around the table.

"Back so soon?" Remus asked in surprise.

"I left my bracelet," Lily explained, looking at Sirius. "Can I have it?"

"I set it on the table," Sirius told her. Lily glanced at the wood table, the table with no bracelet on it.

"Sirius…" she warned.

"No, really!" the boy said swiftly, raising his hands in surrender. "I set it down right here, between me and James before you left. I thought you'd grabbed it and I didn't see."

"So it's not here?" Lily asked, scanning the floor desperately.

"I'll bet you James took it," Marlene said, grinning at Sirius. "Something to remember you by."

"Don't be stupid, Marls," Lily snarled from the ground. "Why would he do that? No, it's lost and I have to find it. My sister gave it to me and now—"

"I'm sure it's somewhere," Remus said. "We can always ask Slughorn later if anyone found it."

Lily nodded, still searching the ground for it. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Yeah, it's somewhere."

The bracelet, as it turned out, was not anywhere. No one had seen it since Sirius set it down. Slughorn let them all stay late and look for it but it was no good. Lily's bracelet was gone. With this on her mind, Lily was in a very gloomy mood as she boarded the Hogwarts Express for the Christmas Holidays.

"It'll turn up," Remus promised as he hugged her goodbye.

"I know," Lily said into his shoulder. "It was just special to me, I'd like to have it back."

"Well, you'll get it, don't worry. Merry Christmas, Lily."

"Merry Christmas, Remus."

* * *

AT home, Lily's mood did not improve. Her father tried valiantly to be cheerful and merry for the season, but Lily could see his heart wasn't in it and he retired early to his room that night. Sitting alone in the kitchen, Lily turned the television to her favorite station and ate cereal directly from the box. She was still there at eleven when Petunia returned home from one of her friends' houses.

"Hello," the older girl greeted Lily stiffly.

"Hi, Tuney," Lily responded, barely looking up from the television. She had been waiting for her sister, she knew, though would never admit. Petunia could send back her letters unopened, but at home she would have to talk to her. "Dad's been in his room since six."

"He does that a lot now," Petunia said, taking a seat beside Lily and sighing as she did before she told Lily everything that she did wrong. Lily turned her attention to the television. The last thing she needed right now was for Petunia to start lecturing her about how irresponsible it was to go away to boarding school when their father was still grieving.

"I have some news," Petunia said quietly.

"Hm?" Lily mumbled.

"I'm engaged.

A beat. Lily slowly set down the cereal box and turned down the volume of the television.

"You're what?"

"I'm engaged," Petunia said again. "To Vernon. Remember, you met him over the summer." Lily cringed at the memory. She had met Vernon Dursley just before their mother had died. He was a large, mustached man, with no imagination and a love of showing off his small, meaningless successes. Lily hated him.

"That's nice," she said slowly. Petunia was getting married. _Petunia was getting married._

"The wedding will be this summer."

"Oh, yeah, people like to get married in the summer."

"Mum always wanted you to be a bridesmaid for me."

"So am I going to be one?"

Petunia looked at Lily sharply and for a moment, the redhead was strongly reminded of Professor McGonagall appraising her before giving a compliment. "I would like you to be," Petunia said finally. Something inside of Lily perked up at her sister's words. "But there's a condition," Petunia finished.

Lily's heart sank. "What's the condition?" she asked.

"Come home."

"Tuney—"

"No, Lily, no!" Petunia's voice cracked. "Please, come home. Be my sister, be dad's daughter. Be part of this family again. I want you to be here, I don't know what to do about Dad; everything feels so different with Mum gone. Give up the magic nonsense. Come back."

"Tuney, I can't." Lily's voice shook. The guilt she had felt this summer came rushing back.

"Please, Lily." Petunia's eyes sparkled and tears began rolling down her face. Lily turned to face her and suddenly wished she hadn't.

"I can't," she whispered. "It's a part of me. I can't just give it up. I have to be there, I have to be there and learn what there is for me to learn."

"No you don't!" Petunia shrieked, jumping up from her chair. "You don't have to at all! You can come home, Lily, you can go to school and be just like us! Please, Dad needs you. He can't deal with this on his own and I don't know to help him. I need you! I can't do this by myself."

Lily watched in horror as her sister, who was always so stoic, sank down to the floor in a puddle of tears and wept. Lily carefully approached the crying blonde and knelt beside her.

"Tuney, I know it's frightening and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you have to do this. But magic isn't something I can just give up. I have to go to Hogwarts. I'm sorry."

"Then I can't put you in the wedding," Petunia said, her face red and puffy. "I need more than an apology Lily. I need you here. I need my sister."

"I need my sister too, Petunia!" Lily cried, reaching out for her. Petunia recoiled, moving back against the wall.

"Don't—don't!"

"Tuney—"

"Don't call me that! You've made your choice Lily, and I've made mine. You've chosen to be a freak. You've chosen to put the freaks over your family. You're not my sister anymore."

"Please, Petunia, we can—"

"No," Petunia said, standing up shakily and glaring at Lily. "We can't." and with that she turned around and stalked up to her bedroom, leaving Lily on the kitchen floor.

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me," Lily said.

"You sounded like you needed to talk," Severus replied. They were sitting in the grass by a playground. Lily's eyes were still red from crying and her hair was wild from running her hands through it so many times.

"Petunia said I'm not her sister anymore," she whispered. Severus looked sharply at her.

"Lily, forget about her—"

"No, Sev! She's my sister. I can't just forget about her."

"She doesn't understand—"

"Exactly!" Lily cried, falling back to lie in the grass. "No one understands. No one gets it. Except maybe you and a few of the Gryffindors."

"What don't they understand?" Severus asked, peering at her from his seat next to her. Lily drew in a shaky breath.

"I'm all alone," she said quietly. "I thought I could be a part of both worlds but I can't really be part of the muggle world while I'm a witch."

"But you're part of the wizard world!" Severus protested, reaching a hand out towards her. Lily took it and sat up, wiping her eyes with the back of her palm.

"But not really," she said. "There are people who don't want me there, just like Petunia doesn't want me here. And they're your friends!" she narrowed her eyes at the last part, a hint of accusation threading her words.

"Lily—"

"You told me it wouldn't matter, Sev!" her voice broke as she cast his worst lie back to him. Severus winced. He hated seeing her cry.

"Lily." He scooted closer and put an arm on her shoulder. Her crying subsided and he continued with the sentence he had rehearsed countless times, ever since he had first realized that his friends would go after her. "When I said it doesn't matter if you're muggle-born, I meant it doesn't matter to me," he said firmly. "And it doesn't matter to the people who are important to you."

She nodded, leaning back into his shoulder. They sat in silence for several minutes, watching the still playground where they used to play as children.

"You're my best friend, Lily," he said quietly in the darkness.

"You're my best friend too, Sev," she replied.

* * *

Christmas day came and Lily spent the morning opening an array of presents from her family and a few sent by her friends. Marlene and Alice had chipped in to buy her a set of dress robes. Sirius and Remus sent her a box of chocolate. Connor had sent her a very nice quill, as she had been complaining the week before that hers needed to be replaced.

The biggest surprise, however, came just as Lily was going to bed that night. A large, snowy owl she had never seen before arrived at her window bearing a small package. The package had no letter attached and there was no card. Curiously, Lily opened it and found inside a silver bracelet, much like the one she had just lost, except that this one did not have charms on it, just a small peridot gem which hung like a teardrop. It was beautiful.

After Christmas, the rest of the holidays passed quickly and uneventfully. Lily breathed a sigh of relief when she was back at the castle, away from her grieving father and Petunia's pointed glares. Lily embraced Marlene and Alice fervently when she found them. Both gave her a long hug and sympathetic pats when she told them what Petunia had said to her. Marlene went so far as to offer to curse Vernon Dursley before his wedding, an offer Lily considered but ultimately refused.

More than Lily's family affairs, though, both girls were fascinated to hear about Lily's strange present. She wore the bracelet upon her return. The green gem went brilliantly with her eyes. Marlene was the first to notice it, yanking Lily's wrist up from the arm of the couch while they sat in the common room.

"Where did you get this?" the brunette demanded, glancing quickly over at James and Sirius, who were deep in conversation by the fireplace. Lily shrugged and tugged her hand back.

"It came on Christmas. No note, nothing even saying merry Christmas. I have no idea who it's from, but it's so pretty."

"Hm," Marlene mumbled, leaning back pensively.

"Are you sure you should have kept it?" Alice asked worriedly. "What if it was cursed or something?"

"I suppose I would know by now, wouldn't I?" Lily answered, glancing down at her bracelet and feeling slightly silly for not having thought of that first.

"You don't suppose—"

She was cut off by heavy footsteps running towards them. Lily looked up to see Frank Longbottom pushing past first years as he headed towards the three girls.

"Alice! Marlene!" he panted as he approached the couch. "Lily, everyone! You have to come, I just got McGonagall and then came right here. Mary's been attacked!"

"What?" Marlene asked, her eyes wide as she stared at Frank. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sirius and James approach.

"What's happened?" James asked, striding over to Frank, the concern evident in his eyes. Frank took a deep breath and turned to the fifth years, his face pale.

"Mary MacDonald has been attacked."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Thank you so much for all your wonderful feedback! I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas! This chapter was written over a couple of stressful days and it's kind of a hodge-podge of different stuff and I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but a lot of it is necessary to future plot development. So my apologies in advance if ths read as scattered and unorganzied.

As always please review!

 **xDawn Snowx** I'm glad you like it thank you for your reviews!

 **Jilyforeva** thank you! I hope you still like the storyline, I'm trying to put in more plot that doesn't revolve solely around James and Lily.

 **VileMalfoys** thank you so much for your comments, I hope you liked this chapter!

 **GirlnRed** Thank you! Right now I definitely want to write all the way up to seventh year and that's going to be my goal.


	8. Clean

Lily burst into the hospital wing, followed closely by the rest of the fifth year Gryffindors and Frank Longbottom. Madam Pomfrey was crouched over a bed nearby, with McGonagall standing a few feet away. Lily rushed towards the nurse.

"Is this-?" Lily began as she neared the bed. McGonagall looked up at her sharply and her thin mouth tightened in a grimace.

"Miss MacDonald is here, Miss Evans," the witch said grimly, gesturing towards the figure no longer obscured by Madam Pomfrey. Lily looked over at her roommate nervously, unsure of what she would find. To her relief, Mary looked relatively unharmed. Lily felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to find Marlene behind her, her eyes trained on Madam Pomfrey, who now addressed the anxious Gryffindors.

"She's going to be okay," the nurse said kindly, offering them a small smile. "Professor McGonagall found her quickly, before any further harm could be done. She'll have to stay overnight, of course, but she should be perfectly fine."

"Did you catch the perpetrators?" Sirius asked roughly, looking at Professor McGonagall.

"The students involved were apprehended and are currently meeting with Professor Dumbledore," she said curtly, moving to adjust her hat before turning back towards the nurse. "Is everything in order, then, Poppy?"

"Yes, I believe so," Pomfrey answered, corking a vial containing a magenta potion and placing it on the table beside Mary's bed. "She just needs to rest."

"Very well," McGonagall said as she adjusted her robes and swept a stern gaze over the group of students. "I trust you'll send my students to bed when they've overstayed their welcome."

"Of course," Madam Pomfrey replied shortly, moving to walk beside McGonagall as the latter exited the hospital wing.

As soon as the two older witches were out of earshot, Marlene straightened and opened her mouth. "Those Slytherin pricks did this, I know it."

"This reeks of Mulciber," Sirius growled in agreement, glancing over at Mary's unconscious form. "Going after muggle-borns at school? He's always been nasty, but this is—"

"Awful," Remus said hollowly, looking up and locking eyes with Lily, whose thoughts were tangled and twisted within her mind.

"I can't believe this is happening," she whispered, looking over at small, kind Mary MacDonald, who had committed no crime other than being born to muggle parents and was now lying unconscious in the hospital wing.

"Lily?" Alice squeaked from where she stood, wrapped up in Frank's arms. The blonde was peering at her friend with concern, searching for the fear she had surely seen flit across Lily's face. "You're still safe here, you know that, right?"

"Yes," Lily said, looking away from Alice. Yes, she was safe at Hogwarts and she knew that. Yet somehow this attack made her question how long that safety which she took for granted would hold out.

"Er, Lily," Marlene broke in, speaking hesitantly. "This isn't the right time, but do you happen to know where Severus was tonight?"

"No," Lily said quickly, furrowing her brow in confusion. "Why—oh," her face lit up with understanding and quickly clouded over. "You—he wouldn't—Severus wouldn't do something like this."

"Are you sure?" Marlene pressed. "I know you're friends with him, Lily, but are you—"

She was interrupted by a loud, trumpet-like sound followed by several hiccups and they all turned to see Sarah Carroll, supported by James and Emmeline Vance, sobbing hysterically.

"It's so t-t-terrible," she blubbered into James' shirt while he awkwardly patted her on the back, looking unsure of himself. Lily stared at them, trying hard to ignore the tightness in her stomach and the taste of bile in her mouth.

"Honestly!" Marlene cried. Lily turned and saw that her usually affable friend had gone red in the face as she glared at Sarah Carroll, not even bothering to disguise her look of disgust. "James, will you tell your girlfriend to get a bloody grip?"

James scowled at Marlene and bent lower over Sarah, whispering comforting words in her ear as he continued to pat her back. Lily simply stared numbly. She wished the floor would open and swallow her up. She wanted to get angry like Marlene, or cry like Sarah; anything would be better than the numb apathy which had washed over her.

"Lily, are you okay?" she heard a soft voice ask. Looking up, she saw James' hazel eyes trained on her, flooded with the same sympathy and understanding they had offered over the summer. Lily's heart caught in her throat for a moment; that sympathy was no longer for her. That was just the way it had to be; she could no longer accept his understanding.

"Yes," she forced out, quickly averting her eyes. "Yes, I'm fine." She raised her hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. The bracelet around her wrist jingled and the green gem flashed in front of Lily's green eyes. James' eyes followed the bracelet's movement and a curious expression came over his face, but just as quickly it disappeared and he turned back towards his sniffling girlfriend.

Lily suddenly felt as though she were intruding on something private and moved to the chair beside Mary's bed, lowering herself wearily into it. Her housemates continued to buzz with whispered conversation behind her. She heard Frank quietly reassuring Alice, Peter and Remus trying to calm down the energetic Marlene and Sirius who were brainstorming ways to get revenge on the slytherins, and Sarah Carroll whining between renewed sobs that she wanted to go back to the common room.

"I c-can't stand to be here anymore," Lily heard the blonde say tearfully. "It's t-too hard; poor Mary, oh it's so awful!"

"We can go," James' voice rumbled. "I'll walk you back now."

The couple left, much to Lily and Marlene's relief. "Mental dramatic bint," she heard Marlene mutter to Sirius, who erupted into suppressed laughter.  
Lily stayed in her seat beside Mary and looked down upon her friend, who looked so peaceful in her dreamless, potion-induced sleep. While she took Mary's hand and stroked her hair, Lily allowed her thoughts to run wild. McGonagall and Pomfrey hadn't said what had been done to Mary, only that the attack had been stopped before anything too serious had occurred. Lily breathed a sigh of relief that she had not found a worse scene in the hospital wing, but still she couldn't shake the nagging questions at the back of her mind: what if McGonagall had come even five minutes later? Or ten minutes? Or what if the attack had taken place in a strange, obscure hiding place where no one would look? Even worse still, the thought which made Lily shudder each time it crossed her mind: what if it had been her instead of Mary?  
Lily swelled with fear and apprehension as she ruminated on these points. What would she do if she was the one attacked? She liked to think that she would fight, but if it were two on one, as it had been the morning Mulciber and Rosier had stumbled upon her, she would stand little chance. What would happen if it were Lily lying motionless on the starched, white sheets of the hospital wing? Marlene and Alice would visit her and Sirius would try to get revenge for her sake. Remus would comfort others, as he usually did. Connor would visit her too. And James…James…

With a sharp intake of breath, Lily sat up straighter. The possibility was too awful, that something would happen and she and James would end on this awful, strained note. She had to find him, had to set it right. Who cared if he was arrogant? She overlooked that trait in Sirius. And if he sometimes picked on younger students and Slytherins—she overlooked plenty of Severus' activities, surely she could do the same for James. Yes, Lily decided. She was going up to the common room now. She was going to make this right.

She stood up rather abruptly and cleared her throat to gain her friends' attention. They all stood in a circle, talking quietly. Emmeline Vance stood a little apart from the rest, looking as though she weren't entirely sure whether or not she was allowed to join the conversation.

"I'm going back to the common room," Lily announced, fidgeting with her bracelet. They nodded; Remus and Marlene stepped forward to give her a hug.

"I'll go with you," Emmeline said, hurrying over to Lily's side and looking glad at having an excuse to leave.

"I'll see you lot later," Lily said over her shoulder as she and Emmeline left the infirmary.

The walk to Gryffindor Tower was silent. Emmeline's face slipped into a hard, brooding expression which Lily didn't care enough to try and find reason for. Lily herself was overwhelmed with the prospect of being friends with James—apologizing for how she had avoided him and yelled at him and refused his offered olive branches.  
These fancies kept her feet bouncing all the way to the tower. Emmeline gave the password at the portrait hole and the two girls climbed through. Lily had barely straightened up when she felt her fancies and her resolve crash around her.

Amid the chatter and bustle of the crowded common room, James sat in an armchair near the fire, with Sarah Carroll, who looked much happier than she had in the hospital wing, on his lap. Their limbs were intertwined and they were attached by the lips. The clenching in Lily's stomach returned and, in that moment, she couldn't remember for the life of her why in Merlin's name she had thought she needed to make up with James, the prat who thought it was perfectly acceptable to hold a snogging session with his girlfriend in the middle of the bloody common room.

She was so stupid to think that she could just walk in and make up with James. She had deluded herself into believing she could forgive his transgressions. Lily watched in sick fascination as James' mouth moved against Sarah's. With a shake of her head she knew, without a doubt, that under no circumstances could she march over and ask James for his friendship.

With shattered hopes piercing her already writhing stomach, Lily stood dumbly at the entrance of the common room, unable to tear her eyes away from the hazel-eyed boy and his girlfriend.

Emmeline ignored her best friend and turned to Lily with an expectant expression. "Are you coming up?" she asked curtly.

"Er," Lily stuttered, trying to think of an excuse. She didn't want to go up to bed and listen to hours of Sarah Carroll gushing about what a wonderful kisser James was. She couldn't stay in the common room, though. "I forgot something in the hospital wing," she lied quickly, her face heating up with the lie. Emmeline looked at her questioningly but turned without comment and climbed the stairs to the girls' dormitory. With a sigh, Lily spun around and slunk back to the hospital wing, trying to think of a reason to give her friends for her return.

They were all still there, except Alice and Frank, who Marlene said had left only a few minutes ago. Lily nodded, though she couldn't find it within herself to care, and sat down again beside Mary. To her relief, her friends did not question her return but allowed her to take her seat quietly.

"Lily?" Marlene called out, craning her head from where she stood a few feet away. Lily looked up from her seat. "We're going back," Marlene said, gesturing to herself, Sirius, Remus and Peter. "Are you coming?"

Lily deliberated for a moment, looking down at Mary's peaceful face. "No," she decided, running her fingers through Mary's hair. "I want to stay here for a bit."  
"Okay," Marlene said uneasily. "Someone will come back soon for you. Don't walk back alone, please."

Lily nodded. "Okay," she said, oddly touched by her friend's concern. She heard their footsteps as they walked away and the clang of the closing door which ended with a final thud. Lily turned back to her friend, stroking her hair and losing herself in frightening, surreal scenarios of possible attacks her mind concocted.

Half an hour passed, though to Lily it seemed like five minutes. She was in the middle of a particularly terrifying scenario, one where Mulciber cornered her in the dormitory and cursed her. Suddenly, a hand appeared on her shoulder. With a shriek, Lily whipped around, her hand reaching for her wand. Connor swiftly held his hands up in surrender as he moved to calm her.

"Shit! Sorry, sorry, Lily, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you!"

"Oh, it's just you," Lily breathed in relief, standing up to give her boyfriend a hug. Madam Pomfrey appeared from her office and glared warningly at them, but Lily ignored her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. She felt slightly guilty for having forgotten about Connor; in all the excitement she hadn't thought to find him and tell him what happened. But now that he was here Lily wondered how she could possibly have forgotten about him. He was just what she needed: reliable, comforting and trustworthy. Squeezing him in a hug, Lily let her head fall onto his chest and she closed her eyes.

"I ran into Alice and Frank on my way back from patrols," he told her, his hands moving to her back and rubbing slow, comforting circles. "She told me what happened and said you'd gone back to the Gryffindor common room so I headed up there, but then I saw Marlene and she said you had come back. I didn't want you to be here alone."

"Thank you," Lily whispered into his shirt, touched that he had come and cursing herself for not going out to find him.

"Anything for you, Lilyflower," he said, his hands moving to stroke her hair. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm alright," Lily reassured him, biting back the fears which had been plaguing her all night. "You don't have to stay here, Connor," she said, tilting her head up to look at him. His brown eyes, staring back at her like pools of chocolate, crinkled slightly as he looked at her.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "It's no trouble—"

"I'm sure," Lily said, disentangling herself from him. "I love it that you came to check on me and that you offered and really, I would love to have you sit here with me. But I sort of want to be alone right now. Is that alright?" she peered at him, scared he would get angry, or else question her further as to why she wanted to be alone.

To her relief and surprise, Connor only smiled at her and bent down to give her a quick kiss.

"If you need anything I'm always here," he whispered before straightening up. Lily blushed slightly and returned his smile. How in the world had she managed to find this wonderful creature? Connor didn't question her motives or why she wanted to do things; he didn't pull her into abandon classrooms and demand she listen to him; he certainly wouldn't snog a girl in the middle of the common room.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Lily said, standing on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. She watched him leave with a smile, her stomach fluttering with butterflies. When the door had closed, Lily returned to her seat by Mary once again and let herself dissolve into thought. The butterflies in her stomach slowly disappeared and were replaced by the familiar iron weight of fear.

Lily sat beside Mary for an hour before she heard the door to the hospital wing swing open. She turned and saw Remus striding towards her.

"Marlene sent me to make sure you get back to the common room," he said warmly, extending a hand towards her which she took as she rose from the chair. Lily offered a small smile and followed him through the door and down the corridor towards the common room.

When they reached the common room, it was nearly deserted except for a few second years playing gobstones and James and Sarah, finally detached, who were sitting on a couch near the fire.

"Lily, do you want to talk about what happened to Mary?" Remus asked, watching her carefully. Lily had, until that moment, only wanted to go up and snuggle into her warm bed, but now that it had been suggested, she found that she did want to talk to someone about the attack. She desperately wanted to talk about it.

"Can we?" she asked timidly.

In response, Remus plopped down onto the nearest couch, which incidentally was the farthest away from James and Sarah, and patted the seat beside him. When Lily had deposited herself next to him, Remus turned and looked at her with his warm, inviting grey eyes.

"Are you scared?" he asked simply. Lily started, not expecting the blunt question.

"No," she said quickly, staring at the table in front of her. "No, it's just—I don't know."

"I would be frightened if I were you," Remus said. "I would be terrified."

"It's ok," Lily replied faintly. "It's just—Mary-I hope she's alright. She's always so sweet and doesn't deserve—well, nobody deserves to be attacked—but especially not her."

Remus nodded sliding down the couch so he was farther away from Lily. "Make yourself comfortable," he said. Lily hesitated before bringing her feet up on the cushions and drawing them into her chest.

"It's okay to be scared, Lily," Remus said finally. "Everyone's scared right now. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you—learning all of this—the magic, the blood-purity, the prejudice—all at once when most of us have been around it our whole lives." He stopped and peered at her, his eyes soft. He reached out and put one of his hands over one of hers. "It's okay to be scared, Lily," he repeated quietly.

Lily straightened in her seat, taking care to avoid Remus' gaze. "You know I didn't grow up with wizards," she began slowly. "All my information came from Dori, who I think didn't want to scare me too much, and from Severus, but he always told me that the only thing that mattered is that I'm magic." Remus made a disparaging noise at this, but otherwise did not interrupt. Lily continued on, her voice growing stronger as she finally gave voice to the burdens gnawing at her. "I always just thought everyone would think that way, though I see now how naïve that was. And it's so hard, Remus. It's so hard being a muggle-born here. It feels sometimes like I don't belong anywhere. I didn't realize that when I came to Hogwarts I would be hated just because of who my parents are."

"Lily, you can't think like that," Remus said, leaning over to pat her on the shoulder. She shook him off, unwilling to accept his comfort right then.

"Did you know my sister hates me?" she asked, taking a sort of perverted pleasure out of his expression of shock and sympathy. "She hates me," Lily continued unashamedly, "because I'm magic and she's not, because I left her and my dad at home so that I could come here. She's getting married this summer and I'm not in the wedding because I told her I wouldn't give up magic."

"That's terrible," Remus said, taking her hand in one of his. "So you feel like you don't belong at home. And now…it's like you're not welcome here either."

Lily nodded, giving him a wry smile. "Exactly," she said with a mirthless laugh. "I don't belong anywhere. I have nothing to go home to now, seeing as my sister returns all my letters and my father can barely function because he's so torn up about my mum dying. And I'm the one who tore everything apart, I'm the one that left."

"Lily, that's not true," Remus said gently. "That's not true at all. You belong at Hogwarts. Forget Mulciber and all of them. You belong here; you wouldn't have gotten a letter if you didn't. Hell, Dumbledore wouldn't have gone through the trouble of setting you up with a private tutor if you didn't belong with us."

"I guess I know that," Lily said, twisting a lock of hair between her fingers. "I just didn't realize how much I would have to give up. I wanted for so long to come to Hogwarts that I never thought about the fact there might be some bad parts along with all the good."

Remus nodded in understanding, squeezing Lily's palm. "It will all be worth it in the end, Lily," he said. "I promise. With Dumbledore here…he's more understanding and inclusive than I think anyone here really knows. He won't let anyone keep you from being at Hogwarts."

"What if I'm attacked?" the question sounded so feeble when voiced aloud, Lily almost wished she could take it back. But Remus didn't patronize her. His grey eyes focused on her green ones and he wrapped her in a hug.

"We won't let that happen," he said quietly. "I promise."

They jumped apart as several loud, raspy sobs broke through the air of the common room. With a grimace, Remus turned to stare at Sarah Carroll, who had broken out into a fresh wave of sobs and was now cuddled in the crook of James neck. Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she watched James try to console his girlfriend. The whole scene filled Lily with the rage she had wished for back in the hospital wing earlier. Her lungs were on fire with an anger so potent, she felt as though she would scream. She was angry at Sarah Carroll for carrying on with her ridiculous hysterics even though she wasn't muggle-born and had nothing to worry about; she was angry at James for dating Sarah Carroll at all; and she was angry at herself for caring in the first place.

The tears which had eluded her in the hospital wing built up painfully behind her eyes now and Lily sniffed before they broke through.

"Lily!" Remus cried, looking at her in alarm. "Are you okay? What happened?"

She didn't answer. The tears poured from her eyes as her breathing became ragged. Over Remus' shoulder, she saw James looking over towards them, his eyes crinkled in concern. He made a motion as if to stand up and for a second, Lily thought he was going to come over towards them.

Next to James, Sarah Carroll's face went red and she let out a piercing howl. One of the second years playing gobstones flinched and dropped the stone they had been about to play, spraying his friend with the foul-smelling goo. The moment broken, Lily watched as James turned back towards his girlfriend.

Remus looked at Lily thoughtfully for several seconds before moving to stand up. Horrified that he was leaving because of her emotional outburst, Lily tried desperately to wipe her eyes.

"Don't leave!" she pleaded, reaching out to catch Remus' elbow. Her eyes were wide and glistening. Her hair stuck to her tear-streaked face.

"I'm not," Remus said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder to keep her on the couch. "I have an idea to cheer you up. Just give me a few minutes."

She watched as Remus walked over to James and the two boys engaged in a hurried, whispered conversation. Remus looked earnest; James looked angry. At last, Remus smirked with triumph and ran up the spiral stairs to the boys' dormitory. James, on the other hand, turned sulkily back to the blonde sitting by him and told her he was going to bed, leaving a very indignant Sarah Carroll in the armchair while he followed Remus up the stairs.

Remus reappeared a few minutes later, holding a piece of worn parchment and two cloaks. He threw one of the cloaks around his shoulders and tossed the other to Lily.

"It's Pete's," he said by way of explanation, unfolding the parchment. "He's the closest to your height."

"Where are we—"

"Just follow me," Remus said, looking up from the parchment and smiling at her. "You trust me, don't you?"

Lily sighed before pulling the cloak around her shoulders and fastening it. Remus still held the parchment, though now it was covered with ink. Had it been that way before? Lily wondered. She could have sworn it had been blank when he had come down.

"Follow me," Remus said again, walking towards the portrait hole. Lily obeyed, too busy trying to figure out what they were doing to produce any fresh tears.

To her immense surprise, Remus led her to the large oak doors at the front of the castle. They hadn't met a single person on the way down, which was odd. Tapping the door with his wand, Remus waited for the lock to click out of place. When this was done, he slowly pushed the door open, revealing the frozen Hogwarts grounds.  
Still not saying a word, Remus led an amazed Lily through the grounds over to a spot at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, not far from Hagrid's hut.

"It's a bit cold," he said calmly as he lowered himself onto the ground and pulled the cloak tighter around himself. "But other than that it's wonderful. I think the grounds are so peaceful at night. I like to come out here sometimes to clear my mind."

"It's wonderful," Lily said, swiveling her head around to take it all in. The grounds looked so different in the moonlight. A bit creepier, yes, but also more serene, more peaceful. She sat down slowly next to Remus and craned her head up to look at the trees and then the stars which peppered the black sky.

"What's the parchment?" she asked suddenly, pointing to the piece of parchment which Remus still held, which was suspiciously blank again. Remus grinned at her and unfolded it.

"This is one of the Marauder's greatest treasures," he told her with a wicked gleam in his eye. For the first time, Lily had no problem imagining him with his friends, planning and executing elaborate pranks and mischief.

"What is it?" she asked nervously, picking the parchment up and examining it. "It looks just like a normal piece of parchment."

"And that's the beauty of it," Remus said enigmatically, drawing his wand and smirking at her before tapping the center of the parchment and muttering, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Lily let out a gasp as ink lines began to appear on the page.

"That's Hogwarts!" she cried when it was completed. "It's a map."

"It is indeed," Remus said, moving over so he could peer over her shoulder. "And you see all of these," he pointed towards the tiny dots which were scattered throughout the castle. "These are people."

Lily squinted and scanned the map quickly, letting out another gasp as she saw he was right. She saw Marlene McKinnon and Alice Fortescue up in the Gryffindor dormitories; on the fourth flour the dot labelled Argus Filch roamed; and out on the grounds, by Hagrid's hut sat two dots labelled Remus Lupin and Lily Evans.

"That was James' idea," Remus said, glancing at Lily. she ignored this and continued to scan the intricate map, tracing the lines with her index finger.

"This is amazing," she whispered, almost to herself. "I can't believe you pulled this off." Remus grinned broadly at this.

"It took us awhile," he admitted, taking the parchment from her. "First we had to get all the information about the layout of the school and the grounds…and the passages."

"Passages?" Lily asked curiously, her eyebrows raised.

"Yes, there's passages leading to Hogsmeade," Remus told her, grinning at her enthusiasm. "We've found seven altogether."

"Wow," Lily breathed. "And what about the charms? That's a pretty powerful tracking charm you must have on it to get those dots to work."

"That took us about six months of research in the library to work out," Remus said. "But once we found the correct incantation it was fairly simple."

"That's really amazing, Remus," Lily said admiringly. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Remus turned to her.

"What's going on with you and James, Lily?" he asked. Lily flushed, grateful for the cover of darkness.

"I don't know," she admitted, turning away from him.

"Lily," Remus said warningly. "Don't give me that. Something's different."

"Oh," she stalled, feeling her face flaming up. "It's so complicated!" she burst out finally. "Things were so wonderful this summer and then I got here and I hate who he  
is here! I hate this arrogant bully going around as James, that's not him! And I can't knowingly go back to him and make him think it's okay because it's not. But I hate seeing him with that cow Sarah Carroll and I hate avoiding each other like this, it drives me mad. And then there's Connor. Remus, I feel terrible. I really like Connor, honestly I do. He's wonderful and everything I wanted James to be. But sometimes James comes along and I completely forget about Connor and that's not fair to him at all. And everything is a mess."

"It's not a mess, Lily," Remus said gently, reaching out to pat her on the back. "It sounds to me like it's actually fairly simple. You and James obviously had something very real this summer. Anyone can see that. And now it's over and you're trying to figure out how you stand with each other and how to interact now that you're not—you know—the same."

Lily nodded. "I suppose," she said dubiously. "And there's the issue of Severus."

"I know James isn't always fair when it comes to Snape," Remus said quickly. "But you have to know, Lily, he's not entirely unprovoked. Snape has been just as much of a participant in this as James. Neither one is innocent."

Lily sighed. "I know," she groaned. "I wish they would figure it out and leave each other alone. I hate it that they fight. I hate it that I'm supposed to pick a side. They're both acting like gits and I think they're both wrong!"

"You and the rest of the school," Remus said drily. "You should hear Marlene yell at James about it. She thinks it's mad too."

"I'm glad I have someone who agrees," Lily said feebly.

"And don't worry about Connor," Remus continued. "I know you like him. Everyone knows you do. And he's mad about you, Lily. I don't think you have anything to worry about. It's just an odd transition."

Lily smiled, wanting to throw her arms around Remus. "How do you always know what to say?" she asked with a chuckle. "I feel like you know me better than I know myself."

Remus shrugged. "I'm the problem-solver with my friends. It's what I do."

"Well thank you," Lily said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "And now you have to tell me a secret."

"I—what?" Remus asked, looking at her curiously.

"I've spent all night pouring my heart out to you," Lily said evenly. "I want to know a secret about you, Remus Lupin. Something only your best friends know. Something shocking and unthinkable." She grinned at his immediate discomfort. Remus sat before her for several long moments, looking as though he had swallowed something unpleasant. The seconds dragged by and Lily grew nervous, wondering if she shouldn't have asked to hear anything at all.

Finally Remus looked up at her. "You can't tell anyone," he said solemnly, gripping her hand. "You have to promise not to say anything, Lily."

"I solemnly swear," she grinned, trying to mask her unease.

Remus took a deep breath, steeling himself. "I had a crush on Marlene until last year," he muttered, staring at the ground.

Lily blinked. Then she smiled. Then she threw her head back and laughed, pulling Remus in for a hug.

They stayed out on the grounds until one in the morning, at which point Remus said the words and the map appeared on the piece of parchment to alert them to Filch's whereabouts. By the time she fell into bed Lily was exhausted, but just as Remus had said, much happier than she had been earlier.

* * *

Mary MacDonald returned to the Gryffindor common room the next evening. Upon her arrival, her classmates immediately swarmed her, asking about her wellbeing and, naturally, the attack.

"Who was it?" Marlene demanded, ignoring the poke in the ribs she received from Alice.

Mary looked weary as she answered, "just who you would expect. Mulciber and Rosier with Urquhart and Snape."

Lily felt her stomach drop. No, it couldn't be.

Marlene was staring at her. Lily tried valiantly to ignore her friend but soon Marlene's eyes found hers. Lily's heart sank as she read in Marlene's face the same sadness which Lily felt so keenly. Mumbling about being tired, Lily gave Mary a quick hug before scampering up the spiral staircase.

* * *

The next afternoon in potions Lily slid into the seat next to Mary instead of her usual place beside Severus. As she mixed the day's assigned potion, Lily felt her best friend's eyes burning into her. She ignored him as best she could. She would have to talk to him at some point, she knew. But for now Lily wanted to put space between herself and Severus. Internally, her mind raged.

 _He's your best friend!_

 _He was there when Mary was attacked!_

 _Hear him out._

 _He doesn't deserve it._

At the end of class she hurriedly filled a vial with her potion, which Slughorn loudly condemned as below-par before asking why she hadn't worked with her usual partner. Lily didn't answer and shoved her books in her bag before hurrying out the door.

She hadn't gotten far before she was intercepted by Severus. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Marlene and Alice stop near the door and wait for her, joined by Mary and the Marauders sans James. More confident knowing her friends were close by, Lily squared her shoulders and turned to face her friend.

"What's going on?" Severus demanded.

Lily hesitated. She wanted to give him a chance to explain, but dreaded hearing what he would have to say. Finally she blurted out, "were you there when Mary was attacked?"

Severus paled and his eyes narrowed.

"You were!" Lily cried. "You were there!"

"Lily!" Severus snapped, his black eyes flashing. "You don't understand—"

"How could you, Sev?" Lily whispered, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "How could you condone that? How can you be friends with—with those people?"

"Really, Lily?" Severus asked, his voice dipping dangerously low."I don't say anything about Lupin or McKinnon or any of the other stuck-up prats who pal around with."

"That's different," Lily replied hotly. "They don't attack people for fun!"

Severus' lip curled up in a humorless smile. Lily recoiled slightly as he leered at her. "Really?" he asked again, this time spitting out the syllable. "You might want to double check that. Ask your precious Lupin where he goes when he's visiting his sick mum." With that he turned and swept away, leaving a very confused Lily standing outside the dungeons.

"What did he say?" Marlene asked as she approached.

"Nothing, really," Lily said, still puzzled over Severus' parting comment. She dropped her voice and glanced around before addressing Marlene and Alice, who had joined them. "He said something about checking that Remus doesn't attack people…and asking where he goes when he visits his mum."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Marlene asked, her forehead crinkling in concentration.

"I don't know," Lily said, turning to Alice. "Any ideas?"

Alice shrugged. "Who knows," she said. "Where's Mary? She should come to lunch with us."

Since the attack, the three girls had made a conscious effort to include Mary MacDonald, ensuring she never had a reason to walk anywhere alone. The Marauders, with the exception of James, had started accompanying the girls regularly. Even James, to everyone's surprise, sometimes detached himself from Sarah Carroll long enough to join them for a meal or to walk to class. Sirius had teasingly asked why James wasn't as worried about his girlfriend's safety, but James always answered with a terse "Sarah can take care of herself."

It wasn't until a few weeks after Mary's return that the girls began to doubt James' motives for leaving his girlfriend. One night in mid-January, they were all lounging about the dormitory when an irate Sarah Carroll stormed in, slamming the door behind her. Emmeline was on her feet in an instant.

"What happened?" she asked, hurrying to her friend. "Is everything okay? Did you and James have a fight?"

Sarah sent a death glare in Lily's direction before turning to her friend and responding stonily, "James seems to value certain things above our relationship. Tonight I let him know that is unacceptable to me and he didn't take it well."

"What do you mean?" Emmeline pressed, sitting on the edge of Sarah's bed. "Are you going to break up with him?"

Sarah let out a quick bark of laughter at this. "He's James bloody Potter, Em, of course I'm not breaking up with him! He's fit, he's good at quidditch," a sly smirk crossed the blonde's face as she continued, "every girl in this whole school is jealous of me. Why would I end that?"

Across the dormitory Lily closed her hangings with a quick tug. She got in bed and, feeling slightly sick, began playing with the little green gem hanging off the bracelet on her wrist before falling asleep.

The next morning at breakfast Lily walked down with Marlene. As they entered the Great Hall, she saw James Potter's unmistakable tousled black hair and glasses, sitting at the end of the Gryffindor table with Sarah. Neither looked particularly happy, but they sat together, nonetheless.

Annoyed with herself for noticing this, Lily sat as far away from the couple as she could. Marlene chattered away about the upcoming quidditch match as Lily chewed her toast. Alice joined them with Frank ten minutes later and they passed a merry meal as Frank did his impression of Professor Flitwick. As Lily finished the last of her pumpkin juice, Connor approached. The sight of him made her heart flutter and she firmly pushed James Potter and Sarah Carroll to the back of her mind as she gathered her books to walk to charms with Connor, who, like the Marauders, was unwilling to allow Lily to walk anywhere by herself.

They strolled down the corridor, hand in hand, both supremely happy to be with the other. Lily wondered to herself how she could possibly have started the morning in a bad mood when she had a boyfriend like Connor to look forward to.

Connor squeezed her hand and turned to look at her with his chocolate brown eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly, bending over so only she could hear him.  
Lily smiled, a faint flush creeping into her cheeks. "Yes," she answered, truly meaning it.

"Don't worry," Connor said, lacing his fingers with hers. "I won't let anything happen to you, Lily."

Lily smiled. She couldn't help but believe him.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Reviews are amazing so please send them! It makes my whole day better when I get an email saying someone left a review:)

A huge thanks goes out to **VileMalfoys** for being a wonderful beta! I hope everyone likes this chapter. For those of you who really want to see a strong, mature Lily, that's coming I promise.

 **GirlnRed** Thank you I'm glad you like it!

 **xDawn Snowx** That's not what I'm planning to do with Connor, don't worry. I love him too.

 **jilyforeva** I'm glad you like it and I promise that there will be more James/Lily scenes down the road. I'm glad you like James being jealous because in my head I definitely see him as really jealous and/or possessive when it comes to Lily.

 **Cap92A** Thank you, I'm glad you like it! All of that will come in due time, don't worry.


	9. Drunk Decisions, Sober Thoughts

The January days slipped by and Lily awoke early on the morning of her sixteenth birthday to the sound of muffled footsteps. She sat up in her four poster bed, bleary eyed, and drew the curtains. Sarah Carroll, already dressed in her school uniform, was tiptoeing towards the door, weaving around the debris of clothes and magazines littering the dormitory floor.

"Sarah?" Lily called out, her curiosity getting the better of her. The blonde haired girl whipped around, her brown eyes widening slightly when they landed on the disheveled redhead.

"Oh," she said carelessly, edging towards the door. "I have to meet someone."

"At 6:15 in the morning?" Lily asked dubiously, glancing at the clock on her nightstand.

Sarah gave her a tightlipped smile and moved her hands to pat her already flat hair. "Yes, well

James is an early riser," she said, continuing to smile at Lily as she made to straighten her unwrinkled robes.

Lily's stomach dropped. She struggled to keep her face impassive as she stared at the grinning blonde. _Slag! Lying bitch!_ Her mind screamed.

"Oh," she choked out. She felt her face grow red.

"Well, I'd best be off," Sarah said, flouncing to the door. She turned the handle and was about to step out when she turned around and flashed Lily a self-satisfied smile. "Oh, I nearly forgot," she purred in a saccharine voice. "Happy birthday."

Lily flopped back onto her mattress, her face hot and her mind racing.

 _She's just trying to rile you up,_ she told herself sternly. She sighed. Whether or not Sarah had been telling the truth, she had succeeded in getting under Lily's skin.

"Lils?" Alice's voice murmured from the neighboring bed. "What're you doing up at this hour?"

"Oh, um," Lily muttered, unable to think of a valid reason.

"Oi!" Marlene's excited shriek pierced the calm haze and the brunette appeared a second later, bouncing onto Lily's bed. "Happy birthday, Lily!" Marlene cried, pulling the redhead up and wrapping her in a tight hug.

"Thanks, Marlene," Lily mumbled into her friend's chest.

"You're sixteen!" Marlene chattered excitedly, releasing Lily and jumping down to rummage under the bed for something, chattering the whole time. "Blimey, my birthday's not until May. And look!" she called, making an excessive amount of noise from the floor. "You've got a fat pile of presents too!"

"What in Merlin's name is going on?" the irritated mutter of Emmeline Vance carried over to the girls.

"Nothing, Em," Alice said swiftly, shooting Marlene a warning glance. "Go back to bed. We'll make sure Marlene keeps it down."

Emmeline grunted and rolled over, not making another sound.

"For Merlin's sake, Marls, try to keep it down," Alice said quietly.

Marlene giggled and jumped up onto Alice's bed. "But birthdays are so exciting!" she said earnestly. "Say, Lily," she turned to her friend, who was rubbing her eyes. "Since we're up d'you want to open your presents?"

"Er, sure," Lily said, finally looking over the end of her bed and seeing the small pile of gifts which Marlene had been pawing through.

Marlene squealed excitedly and flung herself off Alice's bed. Lily sighed before swinging her legs over her bed and extracting her robe from her trunk and throwing it around her shoulders.

"Hold on," Alice said as she got out of bed. "Let me wake up Mary."

When Mary was awake and had stopped grumbling about being woken up, the four girls sat around the presents at the foot of Lily's bed.

"How did these even get here?" the redhead asked in a puzzled voice as she gazed at the gifts.

"House elves, how else?" Marlene answered, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"What's a house elf?" Lily asked, her brows knitting together in confusion.

"They're elves that work at Hogwarts," Mary said, smiling. "They're odd little things, sort of cute though. There's loads of them in the kitchen if you ever want to meet one."

"And they deliver presents?" Lily asked, now eyeing the packages a bit suspiciously.

Her friends laughed. "Yes," Alice said. "They do the cooking and cleaning and the laundry and deliver presents and things to students. I suppose there's no way for you to have known about them," she added thoughtfully, "seeing as you've lived in the muggle world until now. You almost never see them around the castle."

"Your tutor didn't tell you about them?" Mary asked, peering at Lily curiously.

"No," Lily said. "She really only taught me school lessons and told me about the laws I would be expected to follow. Everything else I heard from Severus and he never said anything about house elves."

"Well, they're not really something you'd think to bring up and explain," Alice said thoughtfully. "At least I wouldn't—"

"Anyways," Marlene cut in, looking slightly bored. "Open the presents, Lily! I'm dying to see what everyone got you!"

"Okay," Lily laughed, reaching for the first package. It was from Mary. Inside were a pair of pretty crystal butterfly hair clips, whose wings flapped every few seconds.

"Oh, Mary, you shouldn't have!" Lily cried, clipping one in her hair immediately. "They're beautiful," she said, admiring the one she held.

"It's no trouble," Mary said nonchalantly, though she looked extremely pleased. "I'm glad you like them."

"I love them!" Lily exclaimed, leaning over and enveloping the girl in a hug. "If all my gifts are this wonderful, it's going to be a wonderful birthday!"

The other presents included a hand mirror from Marlene and Alice that sang out compliments to whoever held it, a large box of chocolate frogs from the four Marauders, though Lily had a sneaking suspicion Remus had gone through most of the trouble, and a magical radio from Connor that everyone oohed and aahed over attached to a note reading "So you can finally listen to some wizarding music."

"Girls," Marlene said suddenly through a mouthful of chocolate frog. "What do you say we skip breakfast and stay here?"

They all agreed and sat back, munching on chocolate frogs and examining Lily's gifts.

At some point Emmeline got out of bed and went down to breakfast. She sent a rather irritated look at her roommates, but went ignored. Lily, as she rolled her eyes and watched Emmeline walk out of the room, noticed one last gift she hadn't yet unwrapped.

Mary, Marlene, and Alice were still fiddling with the radio and taking turns switching the station when they heard Lily let out a strangled gasp. They looked up to see their friend staring down at something in her hand, tears clinging to her eyelashes.

"What is it?" Marlene asked, dropping the radio with a thud and moving over towards Lily. In response, Lily held up the thing she had been staring at. It was a muggle picture of her family, taken two years ago before her mother had gotten sick. It was held in a glass frame with the words _Family is Forever_ engraved at the top.

"Oh, Lily," Mary cooed, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder.

"There's a note," Lily choked out, holding up a piece of creamy stationary covered in thick, scrawly handwriting. Mary took the paper gently and held it so Marlene and Alice could read with her.

 _Mum was always the gift giver,_ the note read. _I'm sorry if you don't like it or would have preferred something else. Petunia helped me pick it out, she said you were fond of this particular picture. Happy 16_ _th_ _birthday, Lilyflower. We love and miss you very much._

 _Daddy and Tuney_

"There, there," Alice said gently, putting her arm around Lily's shoulders and drawing her close. "Don't cry, Lily, it's your birthday."

"Tell you what," Marlene said, putting the note gently on top of the picture and looking earnestly in Lily's direction. "Tonight we're going to celebrate your birthday properly. Just the four of us. It's been ages since we've had some girl time and we all want you to have a wonderful birthday, Lilybean."

Lily gave Marlene a smile and moved to hug her. "That would be lovely," she said, laughing slightly as she brushed the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry for making this emotional," she said. "That just caught me by surprise and—"

"Don't worry about it," Alice said gently. Turning to Marlene, she jerked her head towards the two beds at the end of the dormitory that were usually occupied by Sarah and Emmeline. "Are we inviting those two?"

"No," Marlene said quickly, shaking her head for emphasis. "I'll ask James to keep them busy tonight so we can hang out up here."

"Would he?" Mary asked swiftly. "I mean, we all know he has no qualms about entertaining Carroll but would he agree to spend his night with both of them?"

"I think so," Marlene said, a small, evil grin spreading across her face. "I'll just threaten to write his mum and tell her all about the _entertaining_ he's been doing lately. That'll make him cooperate."

"Marley!" Alice cried, smacking her friend lightly. "You're dreadful!"

"Do we want to give Lily a wonderful friend-filled birthday or not?" Marlene cried out defensively.

Lily giggled and appealed to Alice. "It would be nice to spend the night of my birthday with my friends," she said teasingly.

"Alright," Alice conceded, "but I still don't like the part about threatening James."

"Lucky you're not the one who will be doing it then," Marlene said lightly, tossing a bit of wrapping paper at Alice. "Oh, and I'll ask Sirius to get us some firewhiskey too," the brunette added as an afterthought.

"Marlene McKinnon!" Alice cried again in a scandalized voice, her blue eyes staring at her friend.

"What?" Marlene demanded. "It's not a proper party without it! And it won't be much, just a bottle or two to make sure everyone's relaxed. I'm sure they've got at least that much left over from Sirius' birthday that's stashed away somewhere."

"Fine, fine," Alice sighed. Lily got the feeling arguments like this had occurred frequently over the years; Alice had the air of someone who had given up trying to actually reason with their friends but still felt compelled to try.

"Blimey!" Mary cried out, looking at the clock. "Girls, we'd better get dressed or we're going to be late to charms!"

Lily was grinning ear to ear as she skipped down the corridor with her friends. Her unpleasant conversation with Sarah Carroll that morning seemed as though it had happened weeks ago.

Connor met her in the corridor on the way to class and caught her by the waist, giving her a swift kiss on the mouth.

"Happy birthday," he said as he draped an arm over her shoulder and they fell into step.

"Thank you," Lily said. "And thank you for the radio, it's fantastic."

Connor grinned at her and tugged playfully on a lock of her hair. "We need to get you listening to wizard music, Lils," he said. "I'm determined to make you into a Weird Sisters fan by the end of the year."

Lily laughed and gave his hand a squeeze.

"Where were you lot at breakfast?" Connor asked, gesturing with his free hand towards her friends.

"We stayed in the dormitory to open my presents and plan my birthday celebration," she said lightly.

Connor's face fell slightly at the mention of birthday plans but he quickly fixed it into a smile. "And what are you planning for your birthday celebration?" he asked cheekily. "Am I invited to it or is it exclusive?"

Lily shook her head ruefully. "I'm afraid it's exclusive," she said teasingly. "It's just going to be the four of us, a girls night."

If Connor was annoyed, he hid it well. He bent down and gave Lily a peck on the cheek before murmuring, "It's your birthday, you can spend it however you wish."

When they reached the charms classroom Connor released Lily as he went to sit with his friend Miles Pilchak and Lily sat beside Mary.

Flitwick had already begun his lecture when the classroom door burst open and the four marauders strode into the room.

"Boys," Flitwick said reproachfully, looking as stern as he could from his perch on a pile of books. "Why are you late?"

"Peter here got lost, Professor, sorry," Sirius called, patting a sputtering and red faced Peter on the shoulder as they hastily took their seats at the back of the room. "Oh, and happy birthday, Lilybean!" he said loudly.

Flitwick sighed but said nothing else as he resumed his lecture. Lily turned around in her seat to roll her eyes good naturedly at Sirius but was distracted when she noticed Remus. His lucid skin seemed to hang from his body and his eyes were framed by great purple bags.

Remus caught her eye and gave a small smile, though it only served to highlight his resemblance to an invalid. Lily answered with a smile of her own before catching sight of James scowling at her. Puzzled and concerned, she turned back to her notes.

The day passed pleasantly. When Lily sat down next to Mary in potions later that afternoon, she grinned to herself decided it was the best birthday she had had since she had gotten her Hogwarts letter.

"Lily?"

Her grin evaporated at the voice and Lily turned to Severus, who stood before her nervously.

"Yes?" she asked coldly. They had barely spoken since he cornered her after class a few weeks ago; since then she had worked with Mary and done her best to ignore the fact that Severus worked with Urquhart. A small part of her kept hoping he would come up to her one day and apologize, tell her that he was done hanging around Mulciber and his cronies.

"Er," Severus said nervously, "I know we're not on the best of terms right now." Lily snorted. "But," he continued, "I wanted to tell you happy birthday. And give you this." He held out a flower, a perfect lily blossom.

"Sev," Lily said quietly, glancing around the room. Nobody seemed to be paying attention to them. Marlene was deep in conversation with the marauders and Mary was talking with Alice about an article in the latest issue of _Witch Weekly_.

"I put a charm on it so it won't wilt," he told her, pressing the flower into her hand and staring at her pleadingly.

"This doesn't make everything okay," Lily whispered as her fingers closed around the flower's stem. She held it gingerly with her finger tips, examining the petals which were all a little too perfect to be quite natural.

"I know," Severus said eagerly, more confident now that she had accepted the gift. "But I just thought you should have—" his head whipped around suddenly and Lily looked in the same direction. Mulciber had entered the dungeon, talking over his shoulder to Rosier. Severus gave Lily a fleeting look and with a sinking in her stomach, she understood.

"Happy birthday," he said quickly before turning away and resuming his seat at the table he shared with the other slytherins.

Lily laid the flower on her desk and resolved to keep it. If nothing else, it was a lovely reminder of who Severus _could_ be.

That night Lily found herself in the dormitory with Marlene, Alice, and Mary, feeling giddy and slightly nervous as Marlene took four bottles of firewhiskey out of a bag and placed them on the ground.

"Sirius wanted to throw you a giant Marauder-style birthday party, but I convinced him not to," the brunette said to Lily as she threw the bag in the rubbish bin. "So you're welcome."

"Thank you," Lily said as Marlene rejoined their circle. The idea of a large common room party, which the Marauders were beginning to earn a reputation for, made her feel queasy. Especially one held in her honor.

"Right," Marlene said eagerly, popping the top off one of the firewhiskey bottles. "We have to do a toast in honor of Lily's sixteenth birthday!"

"We haven't got any glasses," Alice pointed out.

"Then everyone take a bottle!" Marlene cried, unfazed. She immediately popped the tops off the three remaining bottles and handed them around, ignoring Alice's dubious expression.

"To Lily!" Marlene shouted happily, raising her bottle up above her head. The others followed suit, though Lily felt a bit silly toasting herself, and they all took a swig from their bottles.

Lily had to force herself not to spit her mouthful out. It burned her tongue, her mouth, the back of her throat, and the entire way down to her stomach where it felt like a small fire was being kindled. She panted slightly as she stared at the amber liquid inside the bottle. She'd had champagne and wine before, but nothing like this vile stuff.

Around her, to her relief, her friends were cringing from their drinks as well.

"Blech," Alice spat. "It never gets better."

"Do you lot drink this stuff often?" Lily asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious about her lack of experience with wizard drinks.

The other three girls chuckled and Marlene leaned forward to pat Lily's knee. "Being friends with James and Sirius means I've drank a fair bit," the dark haired girl said. "But Alice here," she jerked a thumb towards her friend, whose face was still screwed up in distaste, "has only had it once or twice before and now you see why. She's a right baby about it."

"It's disgusting!" Alice cried in protest, pushing the bottle away from her.

"What about you, Mary?" Lily asked quickly, turning towards her fellow muggle-born who seemed to have handled the firewhiskey reasonably well.

Mary shrugged. "I've had a fair few muggle drinks but this is my first time trying firewhiskey," she said. Lily felt a bit relieved. Even if Mary hadn't seemed too bothered by the burning sensation, at least Lily wasn't the only one who had never tried the drink before tonight.

The four girls settled into talking and laughing, the raucous conversation punctuated by swigs of firewhiskey, which Lily found burned less the more she drank. She felt her entire body begin to feel warm and her head spun a little as she set the bottle on the ground, half of the amber liquid now gone.

"What's James doing to distract Sarah?" she blurted out, trying to sound nonchalant but failing miserably, judging by the looks her friends gave her.

"He and Sirius are playing a chess tournament against Sarah and Emmeline," Marlene smirked.

Lily nodded, her chest feeling a bit lighter as she took another sip from her bottle.

"D'you reckon Em will go after Sirius now that Sarah and James are together?" Mary asked, hiccupping slightly as she spoke.

Marlene frowned and Alice replied "No, that doesn't seem like something Emmeline would do. And anyways, I doubt Sirius is the type of bloke she'd go after."

"And he didn't seem too keen on spending the evening with her and Sarah," Marlene added, taking a long swig of her drink. "The only way James and I got him to agree was by promising it would only last until midnight."

"You said James was a bit difficult as well," Alice said. "They probably didn't want to commit their Friday nights to keeping Sarah and Emmeline distracted."

"It's a pity Remus isn't here," Marlene said. He wouldn't have made a fuss over it. And he'd probably be more fun to play chess against, you know Sirius doesn't have the attention span to finish a game."

"Where's Remus?" Lily broke in, concern clouding her voice as she thought back to his sickly appearance that morning. "Is he in the hospital wing? Is he okay?"

"He's visiting his mum," Alice said. "She's in St. Mungo's."

"Been ill ever since I can remember," Mary added solemnly, though ruining it with a hiccup.

"What does she have?" Lily asked quietly. She vaguely remembered Remus saying something about his mum being ill. She felt terrible for forgetting and she remembered the pain she had suffered from when it had been her own mother who was terribly ill.

"I don't know," Alice said thoughtfully, tucking a blonde curl behind her ear.

Lily frowned but didn't press it. She resolved silently to ask Remus about his mother the next time she saw him.

The girls continued to talk into the night. As their bottles became lighter, the conversation became rowdier.

"Tell us about Connor," Marlene prompted Lily. "Is he better than James?"

"Er," Lily faltered. Whether from the alcohol or something else, she couldn't think of an appropriate answer.

"He's…good," she answered, her words slurring slightly. Lily's head swam as she tried to work out what to tell her friends. Was Connor better than James? _No._ The answer came readily to her mind, but Lily shook her head. _He's different,_ she thought. _He's different than James and that's what makes him good._

"Come on, Lils," Marlene begged, jutting out her lip and putting her hands together. "Please, please, give us something more. I want to know all about the boy who's good enough to make you giggle like you were this morning walking to charms with him."

Lily sighed but smiled at the memory. She attempted to marshal her thoughts again. "He's just diff—" she began but fell silent as the unmistakable sound of footsteps came pounding up the stairs.

"Shit," Marlene swore before scooping all four nearly empty firewhiskey bottles into her arms and dropping them into her trunk before covering them with a cloak. "I wouldn't put it past Carroll to tell McGonagall we had this if she saw them," she muttered.

They all scrambled into bed, not bothering to change out of their clothes as Sarah and Emmeline burst into the dormitory, chattering excitedly and ignoring their roommates.

Lily lay in her bed and fell asleep quickly, the firewhiskey still burning gently at the back of her throat. It had been a strange day. But, Lily thought as she drifted off, it had been a lovely birthday.

The days following Lily's birthday went by in a blur and February seemed determined to fly by as quickly as possible. Lily felt as though someone had hit fast forward. Her days were spent trying desperately to work her way through the pile of assigned homework and fitting in meetings with Connor and time with her friends.

The month stretched on and Lily spent a wonderful Valentine's Day with Connor, though it was ruined when she walked into the Gryffindor common room and witnessed James and Sarah Carroll "celebrating" the holiday in their own way on one of the sofas.

A week after that episode, for which everyone else offered their utmost sympathy, Lily sat at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall eating breakfast. The usual cloud of owls descended with the mail and a thin envelope was dropped in front of Lily. She didn't pick it up immediately, as she was busy cutting up a sausage. When she glanced up, she saw Marlene holding the letter with a confused expression on her face.

"Why are you getting mail from Mungo's?" the dark haired girl asked, her eyebrows furrowed together.

Lily felt her face go red and she cast around for an excuse as Alice and Mary turned, having heard Marlene's inquiry.

"Er," Lily stalled. In reality, she had written to Mrs. Lupin the morning after her birthday, addressing the envelope simply to Mrs. Lupin at St. Mungo's Hospital. She hadn't told her friends she had done it, as it seemed too personal to share voluntarily. She now realized she had forgotten to share the fact with Remus as well and as she opened the letter, Lily worried silently that she had just forged a connection with one of her friends' mothers without their knowledge.

"I was just asking for some more information about the coughing draught Slughorn was talking about in potions the other day," Lily lied quickly as she unfolded the letter and angled it so her friends couldn't see the writing.

"You're mad," Marlene laughed, either not sensing Lily's dishonesty or else deciding now wasn't the time to call her on it.

Lily's face screwed up in confusion as she read, then reread the short letter.

"Yes," she said absently, not paying any attention to Marlene as she hastily folded the letter up and shoved it in her pocket. "Yes, I suppose so."

"Good morning, ladies!" the voice of Sirius Black called out from behind them. Lily turned and saw the four Marauders, plus Sarah Carroll, who had attached herself by the hip to James, standing behind them.

"Morning," the four girls chirped back as their housemates took their seats.

"Oh, happy birthday, Pete!" Marlene cried out, smiling at the small boy and setting off a wave of "happy birthday."

"I trust you're all coming to Pete's sweet sixteen bash tonight?" Sirius asked, glancing around the girls. Marlene, Alice, and Mary all nodded in affirmation and Sirius turned to Lily expectantly.

Lily flushed. She had forgotten that the party was that night and told Connor she would spend the evening with him.

"I don't know," she mumbled. "I have plans with Connor."

"Bring him," Sirius said cheerfully, seizing the syrup from across the table and dumping a generous amount on his waffles. "The more the merrier! Right, Prongs?" he asked James, who sat on the opposite side of the table.

"Yeah," James said tonelessly, cutting up his sausage and not looking at his best friend or Lily. "brilliant."

And so it happened that Lily pulled a wary Connor through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common room later that night. To her surprise, the large room was already packed with people.

"Lilybean!" An obviously intoxicated Sirius greeted her, clutching a bottle of firewhiskey. "And Lilybean's boyfriend," he added, nodding at Connor, who snaked his arm around Lily's waist.

"Black," Connor greeted.

"Hi, Sirius," Lily said, eyeing the liquor bottle, which was already three quarters of the way gone.

"Glad you two love birds could make it," Sirius said. "Welcome to Mr. Peter Pettigrew's Sweet Sixteen Birthday Bash, planned and executed by yours truly." He gestured to the room as a whole before dropping into a low bow.

Lily giggled and made to step around him. "It looks great, Sirius," she told him, noting his pleased smile. "I'm gonna show Connor around a bit, yeah?"

Sirius moved on to greet the next newcomer, leaving Lily and Connor to wander. Alice and Frank Longbottom were cozied up in a corner, sharing a bottle of elf-made wine and whispering to each other. Marlene was entertaining a large group, doing impressions of McGonagall and Slughorn that had the crowd roaring with laughter.

Lily spotted Remus standing with James and Sarah Carroll and for this reason did not approach him. She thought uneasily back to the letter she had received that morning, which was upstairs stashed in her trunk. She would have to bring it up soon, she knew, but perhaps not tonight.

Remus spotted her and gave a friendly wave, which Lily returned half-heartedly.

Lily and Connor passed over an hour milling around, sipping cautiously from goblets handed to them by a staggering Peter. Lily introduced Connor to the older Gryffindors who he didn't know, seeing as he was a Ravenclaw, and they spent a good deal of time listening to Marlene's increasingly questionable impressions of their professors.

When their goblets were empty the couple meandered towards the back of the common room and stopped in front of the drinks table with the intention of refilling. Lily examined the bottles and the table, finding a familiar one.

She felt Connor lean towards her before she saw him and she turned, peering into his dark eyes which crinkled slightly around the edges as he smiled.

"Hey," he whispered, "thanks for bringing me."

Lily grinned and tilted her head up so she was looking him in the eye. "You're welcome," she replied. Connor bent down and kissed her, his hands moving to her waist to pull her closer. Lily could taste the firewhiskey on his breath as she pushed herself up on her toes, pressing her mouth against his.

 **Bam**

They were knocked apart as something large and solid collided with Connor. Lily regained her balance and glanced up to see a very red-faced, slightly swaying James glowering at them.

"Sorry," the black haired boy said curtly, picking for the bottle Lily had selected and replacing it with the empty one in his hand. "You were blocking the table."

Lily bit back an angry retort and grabbed Connor's hand, dragging him to the couch where Alice and Frank sat. Connor sat down with a huff and sat in silent outrage while Lily forced herself to chat mindlessly with Alice and Frank, banishing all thoughts of James Potter from her brain.

She reached out and found Connor's hand, squeezing it. He squeezed back and moved closer to her before putting his arm around her shoulder.

"I hate that git," he said forcefully, glaring at James, who was talking animatedly to Sarah. Lily nodded, her own indignation resurfacing.

"He's frustrating," she said, trying hard not to let her anger with her housemate get the better of her. The last thing she needed was to make a scene at Peter's birthday party. The cold animosity between her and James wasn't the best, but it was better than whatever the repercussions of a public, alcohol-fueled blowout would be. With a small smile, Lily squeezed Connor's hand once again and turned to engage Alice and Frank in a conversation about the next Hogsmeade visit.

Connor took her cue and talked civilly with her friends. Lily relaxed and allowed herself to lean into him as the conversation turned to whether or not the Shrieking Shack was really haunted.

Her peace didn't last long. Over the din of the party, an escalating shouting match could be heard. Slowly, the external buzz died down as more and more people turned to watch the spectacle.

"Give it to me!" Sarah Carroll screeched at James, who was holding his half-empty firewhiskey bottle above his head. His scarlet-faced girlfriend leaped up and tried to snatch it away. James quickly moved the bottle behind his back, swaying on the spot and glowering at the blonde.

"You're so bloody controlling!" He spat, his hazel eyes stormy as he glared down at Sarah. "You don't ever leave me alone."

"You're completely bloody pissed!" Sarah shot back, lunging for the bottle again. Once again, James moved it out of her reach and towered over his girlfriend. His own face was very red and he looked positively murderous.

"Just let me get bloody pissed then!" He bellowed, his hands shaking. "For Merlin's sake, Lily, leave me alone!"

Nobody spoke for a moment.

Lily let out a horrified gasp. Remus and Sirius, who were standing a few feet away, exchanged looks of panic. Connor's grip tightened almost painfully on Lily's shoulder and Alice and Frank both turned to stare at her, their eyes wide.

James himself wore an expression of mingled shock and horror. He seemed to recover himself slightly as his face went from red to pale. He took a tentative step forward.

"Sarah, I—" he began.

Sarah Carroll, her face a delicate shade of puce, emitted a sound somewhere between a shriek and a snarl. With a furious parting glare, she stalked to the spiral staircase and ascended.

After Sarah's exit, the buzz of conversation slowly returned to the party, though now accompanied by several curious stares in Lily's direction.

"I think I'm gonna go," Connor said softly, withdrawing his arm from Lily's shoulders. "Things seem to be getting a bit out of hand."

Lily's heart sank. "Okay," she said glumly.

They rose from the couch and climbed through the portrait hole before walking down to the end of the corridor where they said a quick goodnight, neither one mentioning what had just occurred.

After Connor had rounded the corner and she could no longer see him, Lily turned to walk back to the common room. To her surprise she found herself looking at James, slumped against the stone wall with his head in his hands. He looked so pathetic and defeated, as though one touch might knock him down. For a moment, Lily forgot her vendetta as her heart broke for the embarrassed, drunk, tired boy. She approached him slowly and put a hand on his shoulder.

"James?" she asked gently. "Are you alright?"

His head shot up and he shook her hand off roughly, fixing her with a stare filled with so much loathing, Lily took a step back.

"You have no right to ask me that," he spat, his hazel eyes sparkling with anger.

"I just—" Lily started.

James cut her off, straightening up so he stood at his full height, though Lily noticed he was still leaning heavily on the wall. "What's the point, Lily?" he asked coldly, glaring at her. "What's the point of acting like you care now? Like you care at all?"

"James—" she stepped forward again, wanting nothing more than to comfort him.

"No!" he yelled, suddenly pushing off the wall and pacing the corridor, swaying as he went. "Whether I'm alright or not it doesn't fucking matter!" He paused and ran an agitated hand through his hair, his face turning red as he spoke, his voice rising with each word. "It won't make you care. It won't make you give me a chance."

"That's not—" Lily tried again.

James shouted over her, resuming his pacing. "Nothing I do is good enough for you, Lily!" He stopped again and slammed his fist into the stone wall, his face red and stormy, even worse than it had been when he shouted at Sarah in the common room.

Lily flinched. She stood rooted to the spot, her wide green eyes trained on the deranged boy in front of her who she no longer had the right to comfort.

"Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you to give me a chance!" James bellowed, rubbing his fist and scowling at her. "So what's the bloody point?"

With a final, withering glare he turned and walked back to the portrait hole.

Lily remained in the corridor, bewildered and exhausted. Her mind turned his words over and over as she tried to make sense of it all. She raised her hands and covered her face with them, letting out a heavy sigh. Once again, her delicately constructed world had been overturned by a boy with tousled black hair and glasses.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I know, I know, this isn't how any of us wants the story to go. Things will get better, I promise.

Reviews make my day much better, please send them.

 **Cap92A** Thank you! I know everyone wants to hate Lily's boyfriend who isn't James but everything will happen for the best, I promise. I also adore Remus so I'm glad you like him too!

 **xDawn Snowx** Thank you! Like I said, I love Remus.

 **Jilyforeva** Thank you so much! I'm sorry there's not more James right now, but I promise (like, pinky promise) that there will be more James/Lily scenes in upcoming chapters.

 **VileMalfoys** Thanks for all your feedback. I'm planning to keep Remus in the story as much as possible, he's one of my favorites.

 **You'llRegret** Thank you so much! I know it's frustrating, but James is a 15 year old boy here and honestly I've never met a 15 year old boy who isn't a frustrating idiot. I hope you keep reading!

 **MultiFandom Queen 101** Thank you that means so much! I hope you liked this chapter!


	10. Do You Hate Me?

The bright, clear chill of February faded away to the grey and dreary sludge of March. Lily mourned the fact that winter was coming to a close. She loved the blanket of snow covering the grounds and the icicles hanging off the castle towers. She had always loved winter because it brought Christmas and her birthday, but winter at Hogwarts held a certain magic which she was reluctant to let go.

The snow and ice still covered the school on a Saturday morning in early March. Lily walked down the spiral staircase as though in a dream. She was late to breakfast and would have to hurry if she wanted to eat before the Hogsmeade visit, but at the moment she didn't care. Wrapped up in her own wonderland, Lily meandered through the common room towards the portrait hole.

"Oof!" she grunted as she collided with another person, toppling backwards towards a table. "Sorry!" she cried as she stood up. "I wasn't paying attention. I'm so sorry, it's just the snow and the icicles look so pretty and I was…"

Her voice trailed off as she looked up and saw James, regaining his balance and straightening his robes, his face turned towards the floor. He glanced up and his hazel eyes locked on her green ones. There was no warmth in them and he looked at her blankly, indifferently.

"it's fine, Evans," he said curtly before stepping back and gesturing towards the portrait hole. Lily took the hint and scurried through, squeaking another quick "sorry," as she went. James clambered behind her and they walked, decidedly separate, to the Great Hall, with Lily ten meters ahead of James at all times.

 _It's fine, Evans._ She replayed his words in her head. It was the first time he had spoken directly to her since the night of Peter's party. Since then, James had adopted a cold formality towards her, ignoring her whenever possible and treating her with stiff cordiality whenever circumstances warranted them to be in close quarters. Seeing as they now shared a mutual group of friends, Lily found herself near James often and he made no effort to hide his coldness towards her. Their friends exchanged looks and sometimes would try to goad James into partnering with Lily for a game of exploding snap, or else force him to sit beside her for a meal, but these attempts were met with harsh glares and weighty silences and therefore were soon abandoned.

 _He hates me_ , Lily thought sadly as she approached the Great Hall. The thought tugged at her heart. She had given him every reason to hate her, she knew. He was well within his right to treat her this way. But still, every time he deliberately sat as far as possible from her, every time he refused to speak directly to her, her thoughts rushed back to the laughing boy who had sat beside her in the grass that summer and held her in his arms and declared she was wonderful. Lily sighed and felt her mouth turn into a frown. She missed the boy from last summer more than she would ever let on.

Now he didn't even call her Lily. Whenever he spoke of her he called her by her surname, just as he had this morning. Lily, in turn, had started calling him Potter, though it felt wrong to do so now when she had always known him simply as James.

To her friends and the rest of the school, Lily put on a show of indifference. She didn't want the pity or the rumors that would arise if she publicized how badly his treatment wounded her. And anyhow, she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she felt the sting of his disdain.

Already feeling very tired and gloomy, Lily entered the Great Hall and made her way to the Gryffindor table, where Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene and Mary sat. Remus caught her eye and waved as Lily walked over. She gave a small smile before averting her eyes. She had been avoiding Remus for the past few weeks. She needed to talk to him about the letter she had received from St. Mungo's, but no time ever felt right. So she just let the matter weigh on her mind.

"Morning," Lily said dully as she slid into the seat beside Marlene and grabbed a plate of eggs.

"Good morning, Lilybean," Marlene said brightly, either not noticing or ignoring her friend's desolate mood. "It's going to be a lovely day for Hogsmeade, and Sirius was just telling me he might be able to convince Madam Rosmerta to give us firewhiskey instead of butterbeer!"

"Mm," Lily mumbled unenthusiastically hrough her mouthful of food. James had arrived at the table. Without so much as a glance at Lily he sat down next to Peter, on the opposite side of the table and as far away from the redhead as he could have gotten.

"Alice is going with Frank again but she said she'd meet up with us," Marlene plowed on, grinning conspiratorially. "And then we can all jump and ask her what's going on with them. I'm _dying_ to know and she never tells us anything."

"I think she likes to keep some of it private," Mary said.

"Why's she want to do that?" Marlene demanded, piling more potatoes on her plate. "That's the whole point of friends, to tell them all the intimate details of your life! You lot know everything that's going on with me!"

"Yeah, which is nothing," Lily pointed out.

"But if something did happen I would tell you guys all about it!" Marlene pressed, leaning forward in her seat.

"Maybe Alice isn't ready for everyone to be in on all the details of her relationship," Remus said gently, his eyes crinkling in amusement. "It's still fairly new."

"Ugh," Marlene groaned, frowning at her plate. "Everything is so bloody boring right now. Since Sarah Carroll doesn't have a boyfriend anymore," she sent a sharp look in James' direction, but he ignored her, "and Emmeline has never so much as talked about one, and Lily and Alice won't say anything there's nothing to talk about!"

"Why don't you get a boy and then we can all talk about that?" Mary suggested, waggling her eyebrows at Marlene.

"Yeah, that'll be the day," Marlene snorted.

Lily sighed and pushed her eggs around on her plate. The conversation had taken her appetite. The reminder of Sarah Carroll and the subsequent thoughts of why the blonde no longer had a boyfriend made Lily feel ill.

After James had shouted at her and left her in the corridor, Lily had slunk quietly back to her dormitory. At first glance it had appeared empty and the redhead breathed a sigh of relief before falling into bed. Her moment of peace was ruined, however, by an angry banshee of a girl standing over Lily and screeching at the top of her voice.

"YOU!" Sarah Carroll had screamed, her purple face screwed up in rage. "YOU BLOODY SLAG! YOU TWAT! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

Exhausted and out of patience, Lily's last bit of composure had snapped. Leaping up, she glared at Sarah Carroll and moved to grab her wand. "This isn't my fault," Lily hissed, her green eyes narrowed into slits. "I never set out to ruin—"

"YOU KNEW BLOODY WELL HE STILL WANTED YOU!" Sarah snarled, her mouth twisting. "YOU KNEW AND YOU—"

"YOU BLOODY KNEW HE DIDN'T LIKE YOU!" Lily screamed back, tears welling up in her eyes as she felt something in her burst. It was all so awful, such a mess. And this girl, this girl who had been instrumental in Lily's misery had the audacity to shout at her and blame her. Rage coursed through Lily and fueled her as she continued to glare at Sarah and yell.

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM! YOU ONLY WANTED HIM BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. AND GUESS WHAT, IN THE END HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU! SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THIS IS ALL MY FAULT, SARAH CAROLL!"

"AT LEAST I APPRECIATED HIM FOR SOMETHING!" Sarah cried back. "AT LEAST I GAVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY!"

Lily stopped. Her eyes widened. The rage which had consumed her left and she sagged under the weight of the truth in Sarah's words. Lily thought back to James' words in the corridor and her heart sank.

"This wasn't my fault," Lily said quietly, backing towards her bed. "I never meant for this to happen. I didn't lead him on. All I wanted to do was forget and move on. You can't blame me for that."

She dove into bed then, drawing her curtains and lying awake for several hours as the image of James, with his angry, stormy eyes, shouting at her, replayed over and over in her mind.

"Lils?" Remus' voice broke through and Lily looked up, realizing she hadn't been listening to a word anyone said.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, blushing and flashing an apologetic look. "I spaced out for a moment."

"It's okay," Remus said, looking at her curiously. "I just asked if you're done. We're going to get ready to leave."

Lily glanced around and saw everyone else was standing and waiting for them at the door. She hastily shoved her plate back and jumped up from her seat, tucking a wild strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm ready," she said quickly as Remus stood up and moved to join her. They shuffled out of the hall, Lily avoiding Remus' eyes and her face still burning from the memory of the dreadful night a few weeks ago.

Lily got ready quickly with Marlene and Mary. Half an hour later the three girls were walking towards the carriages with the four marauders and Connor Goldstein, who had an arm wrapped firmly around Lily's waist and was talking animatedly to her and Mary about muggle cars.

Connor helped the three girls into a carriage and then climbed in himself, sitting next to Lily and putting an arm around her shoulder. The four marauders took the next carriage. Lily turned and glanced over her shoulder briefly to see James and Sirius shaking with laughter over something. Sirius caught her eye and gave her a wink. Lily turned back around and leaned against Connor, the uncertainty which had clouded their relationship for the last few weeks creeping back.

The day after Peter's birthday party had been a nightmare for Lily. By lunch, the entire school had heard what had happened and Lily found herself the subject of numerous curious stares and more than one mean-spirited rumor. Sarah Carroll ignored her but whenever she was in the same vicinity as Lily would begin talking loudly about how humiliated and upset she was over her breakup with James. The worst part, though, was the conversation Lily and Connor had that evening, sitting in a secluded corner of the library.

Lily was working on her charms essay, her quill scratching rhythmically on the parchment. She became aware of the fact that Connor wasn't working anymore and looked up to see her boyfriend watching her intently, his jaw twitching in agitation.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked quietly, already knowing what he was going to say.

"It—it's about last night," Connor replied, his warm brown eyes crinkling as he continued to stare at her appraisingly.

Lily fidgeted and laid her quill down, turning her full attention to Connor and steeling herself for whatever he wanted to say.

"Lily, you know I really like you," Connor began slowly. Lily froze. Her chest tightened and she began twisting her fingers nervously. He was going to break up with her.

"Connor, I know last night was a mess," she said quickly. Her fingers drummed on the table. Her stomach felt heavy and Lily didn't know what exactly she wanted to say but she took a deep breath and kept talking anyways. No matter what, no matter how muddled up everything was, she knew without a doubt that she liked Connor. She didn't want to stop seeing him.

"It was awful for everyone," she continued, her green eyes pleading. Connor looked taken aback but allowed her to speak. "It—I don't know. It was dreadful," Lily said. "It was one of the worst nights ever."

"I know," Connor said gently, putting one of his hands over Lily's. "It was bad. I think we've established that."

"Right," Lily said, laughing nervously. "But it—it doesn't _mean_ anything. I mean…you shouldn't think that—I know it seems like it was a big deal but it's not."

"Lily," Connor sighed, drawing his hand back. He brushed his hair from his forehead and fixed his dark eyes on her. "It's a bit of a big deal. And I just think we need to talk about what happened."

Lily stared at the table for a moment and reached out for Connor's hand. Their fingers interlaced, Lily bit her lip and nodded slowly. "I suppose we do," she said quietly.

Connor squeezed her hand and gave her a small smile before speaking. "Look, Lily, I know you and Potter have some sort of history and that's fine. Really, it doesn't matter to me. But, er, you see why after last night I'm a little…unsure?" He glanced up at her.

Lily nodded again, her face growing hot from embarrassment. She averted her eyes and stared at a spot on Connor's shoulder.

"I have to ask this," Connor continued, his eyes searching her face, "and I promise this is the only time I'll ask. I just—I have to know for sure. You understand that."

"Yeah," Lily mumbled. "I do."

"Right," Connor said, giving her hand another squeeze. "It's not that I don't trust you, Lily. I just need to be completely sure right now. You don't still have feelings for Potter, do you?"

Lily swallowed heavily, her mind racing through a hundred disjointed images as Connor sat expectantly across from her. James sitting with her in the grass, laughing at something she'd said. James hexing Severus. James asking her to be friends. James and Sarah Carroll wrapped around each other and the sinking she felt in her stomach every time she saw them. James ignoring her. James glaring at her from across the table. James shouting at her and telling her he would never be enough. James calling her Evans and walking away without a glance.

"No," she said, quiet but firm. "No, I don't. Anything I felt for him is gone."

"That's all I needed to hear," Connor said, finally giving her a full smile and standing up to move closer to her. Lily watched, her chest still tight for some reason, as her boyfriend bent down and dropped a quick kiss on her mouth.

Lily had thought at the time that the conversation had gone well, and she had nothing to worry about with her relationship. But ever since the party Connor had been different. It was a subtle difference, but Lily found it hard to ignore. He seemed to always need to be around her now. He asked questions any time she talked to Remus or Sirius, asking what they talked about and whether they said anything odd. He was much more physical now, too, always wrapping an arm protectively around Lily's waist or shoulder when they walked together, every so often pulling her closer.

Connor was more aggressive with his affection around the marauders now, constantly pulling Lily in to kiss her on the forehead or on the mouth, resting his hand on her knee or on her back. None of the boys seemed to notice, though Marlene would often snigger as she watched the Ravenclaw attempt to keep Lily distracted.

The carriage rolled into the village and Connor climbed down first before helping the three girls out. Lily disembarked last and Connor held her hand tightly as the Marauders joined them and the group walked briskly to the Three Broomsticks.

The pub was bustling, packed with Hogwarts students seeking refuge from the persistent winter chill and an assortment of travelers who all looked rather irritated by the presence of the teenagers. Remus found a large table in a corner of the bar and they all took their seats.

"I'll go get us drinks," James said, standing up and moving towards the bar, where Madame Rosmerta was busy supplying an elderly man with mead. "Everyone want butterbeer?" James asked over his shoulder.

They all shouted affirmation and James disappeared in the crowd of patrons.

"Remus, why don't you help him carry everything back," Marlene said, nudging the sandy haired boy. "He won't be able to bring all eight butterbeers back alone."

"Er, alright," Remus said, looking confused as he rose from his seat.

Marlene watched the boy follow his friend and then turned to the remainder of the group.

"Right," she said authoritatively, addressing Lily and Mary, "after this we need an excuse to go alone and find birthday presents for Remus and James."

"Oh, I forgot those are coming up," Mary said. "What are we getting them?"

"I don't know," Marlene admitted. "We'll figure it out at the store."

"Say you're going to the Shrieking Shack," Peter suggested. "They won't want to go there." He grinned at Sirius.

"Okay," Marlene said, nodding towards the two boys. "Don't you dare tell them what we're doing!"

"Marley!" Sirius gasped dramatically, putting a hand to his chest. "Do you really believe that Pete and I would betray your trust?"

"Yes," all three girls answered in unison.

Sirius smirked but said nothing as James and Remus appeared carrying drinks.

They sat in the pub sipping butterbeer and talking. After an hour they were joined by Alice and Frank, both slightly windswept and red-faced from walking outdoors.

"Have you been here long?" Alice asked as she approached the group.

"A bit, yeah," Marlene answered good-naturedly. "Your timing is perfect, actually, the girls and I were just about to go to the Shrieking Shack."

Alice gave Marlene a puzzled look. "The Shrieking Shack?" the blonde asked quizzically. "Why are we going there?"

"We just thought it would be fun!" Marlene cried, jumping to her feet and ushering Lily and Mary to do the same.

Remus and James exchanged knowing glances.

"Marley, we know you're going to buy our birthday presents," James said with a grin. "You don't have to go through all the trouble of trying to fool us."

"Don't be silly, James," Marlene snapped. "I just fancied some time with my friends, that's all. You are perfectly welcome to join us if you want."

"No, no," James said, holding his hands up in surrender. His mouth twitched up in a smile. "I don't want to ruin your fun."

"Right, well then, girls, should we go?" Marlene asked, turning to Lily, Mary, and Alice, who rolled her eyes.

"Are you coming with us?" Lily asked Connor. "You don't have to."

"I told Miles I would meet up with him at Zonko's," her boyfriend replied, standing up. "I'll go over there. And I can walk you lot over towards the shops."

Lily nodded and they walked out of the pub, leaving the four Marauders behind.

She said goodbye to Connor in front of Zonko's and promised to meet up with him later in the castle. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug before ducking into the joke shop.

"Right," Marlene said as soon as Connor disappeared through the door. "We have to find gifts for Remus and James."

"James will be easy," Mary said. "Anything from the quidditch supplies shop will do."

"And what about for Remus?" Marlene asked, chewing on her lip. "I never am quite sure with him."

"Let's just go in somewhere and look," Lily suggested. "We're bound to find something."

They spent the better part of an hour poking around the shops before deciding to give Remus a new eagle feather quill and a box of Honeyduke's chocolate.

"He does love chocolate," Alice commented as they left the store. Choosing James' gift was much simpler. Marlene pounced on a miniature quidditch pitch that came with small players and balls that would simulate techniques.

"This is perfect," the brunette declared, examining the set. "The boy's bloody obsessed with quidditch. He'll love it."

Lily looked at the gift and felt a pang of guilt. After all the time she and James had spent together over the summer and how many secrets they shared, for his birthday all he would receive from her would be her name written on a gift she had no part in choosing.

She shook her head quickly and reprimanded herself for having such thoughts. It was done. It was over, had been over for a long time.

"What do you think?" Marlene asked her, holding the set up so it was eye level for Lily. "Do you think he would like it?"

"I think it's great," Lily said, forcing a smile onto her face.

Marlene grinned and rushed to the counter to pay.

They split the cost of the presents and then traipsed back to the castle, Marlene interrogating Alice about her day with Frank. When they reached the dormitory, Marlene flung her cloak off and addressed her friends.

"I suppose I should take these down to the kitchens and ask the house-elves to wrap them and keep them until the boys' actual birthdays," she said. "Do you want to come with me, Lily, since you've never seen a house-elf?"

"Er, alright," Lily said, confused by the abruptness of the invitation but excited to see a house-elf nonetheless. "Yeah, just let me brush out my hair first. It's a mess from walking around outside."

Ten minutes later the two girls walked side by side down the corridor, Marlene clutching the shopping bags. Lily followed Marlene, being ignorant as to the location of the kitchens.

"It's not all that hard to get into," the brunette said lightly when Lily asked. "There's a big painting of fruit down here and you just tickle the pear and you're in."

They walked quietly, Marlene humming under her breath and Lily getting lost inside her head.

"When are you going to make up with James?" Marlene asked suddenly, disrupting the companionable silence. Lily slowed for a moment, her green eyes wide.

"Er—" she stuttered, unsure of how to answer such a question. "I—I don't think we're going to be making up anytime soon, Marley. We're—well, he's not happy with me, which is understandable, but either way—"

"Lily, really," Marlene cut in, her usual affability gone and replaced by a bluntness Lily had rarely heard her use. "You're just as much responsible for whatever is going on as he is. And I've known James for a long time, I love him to death, and I've never seen him act this way."

"Well maybe that should be a clue that we probably won't be best friends anytime soon," Lily replied, unable to keep the frostiness out of her voice. She was annoyed; why in Merlin's name had Marlene asked her such a ridiculous question when the answer was obvious?

"You and James are both being so bloody thick," Marlene said evenly, her own voice hardening. "And no one else will say it but I'm going to because it's true. You're both being stupid and if you would just talk to each other I'm sure you could figure it out."

"No, Marls," Lily said. "James has made it very clear that he's done. And honestly, it's probably best for the both of us if we just forget about it and do our best to avoid each other."

"Are you going to spend the next two years avoiding him?" Marlene asked quickly. "Things can't go on like this, Lily, with the two of you barely speaking when we're all together. And you can't make people choose between you—"

"I don't want anyone to!" Lily cried, stung by Marlene's words. "I don't want that at all! I just meant I think it's better if James and I stay out of each other's way."

"Lily, that's the last thing you need to do," Marlene said in exasperation, stopping in the middle of the corridor and glaring fiercely at her friend. "And you know what I think? I think you both still have feelings for each other and are too scared to admit it."

"What—" Lily sputtered, her face turning red. "That—that's ridiculous, Marley! I have Connor—how could you—"

"Are you telling me that what you have with Connor is really as good as what you had with James?" Marlene challenged.

"I thought you liked Connor," Lily whined, dropping her gaze to the floor.

"I do like Connor," Marlene said loftily. "But I think you're just with him because it's convenient and because he's not James."

"Marlene!" Lily cried, looking aghast at her friend, her eyes shining with hurt. "That's a terrible thing to say."

"It's true!" the brunette insisted, stepping closer to Lily. "And I won't let you do it, Lily! I won't let you hurt James like this. I won't let you hurt yourself like this! Just give him another chance."

"I can't," Lily whispered, backing away slowly. "I can't, Marls. I—I'm with Connor. I like Connor, he—he's safer. Everything's less complicated."

"But don't you want to know—"

"No," Lily said firmly, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice as her lip trembled. "No, I don't. I—I'm sorry, Marls, but it's done."

No longer caring about the house elves or finding the kitchens, Lily turned around and slowly walked back to the common room, angry and sad all at the same time.

 _Marlene's right,_ her mind chided. _You know she is._

"Shut up," Lily growled to herself as she continued walking.

"You okay, Lils?"

She turned and found Remus standing behind her, peering at her with concern.

"I—" she started to mumble and then stopped and remembered the letter she had to talk to him about. There was no better time than now, Lily reasoned.

"Actually, Remus, I need to talk to you about something," she said. Remus' eyebrows shot up, but he didn't question her.

"Okay," he said. "Should we go to the common room then?"

"No," Lily said quickly. "It should be somewhere more private."

"Er, alright," he said slowly, glancing around quickly before ushering her into an empty classroom and closing the door.

"What's up?" he asked, leaning against a desk.

"Er," Lily fidgeted, unsure of how to begin. "I wrote a letter to your mum," she finally blurted out.

Remus' eyebrows knit together and he looked at her in bewilderment. "You…wrote a letter…to my mum?" he asked slowly, staring at her.

"Erm, well yes," Lily chewed on her lip before launching into her speech. "Alice said something about her being in St. Mungo's because she's ill and I just, I remembered how terrible it was when my mum was ill and so I thought it would be nice to write her and I forgot to tell you and I just wanted to help, I swear! But then I got a letter back from Mungo's and they said that there's no Mrs. Lupin at St. Mungo's and there never has been a Mrs. Lupin there who was ill."

Remus' grey eyes were wide as galleons. He continued to stare at Lily as he let out a heavy sigh and slumped into a nearby chair. Lily watched in horror as the boy put his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Remus," she whispered, moving to his side and putting an arm around him. "I—I wasn't trying to pry or anything, honestly I just wanted to help since I know how awful it is to have a parent who's ill. But—where is your mum if she's not in St. Mungo's? Why did you tell people she's there?"

"My mum's not ill," Remus said softly, still not picking his head up. "She's at home with my dad. In excellent health."

"So she never—"

"No," Remus said, sitting up straight and staring at the floor. "She was never in St. Mungo's."

"Remus," Lily said quietly, squeezing his shoulder. "Why did you say she was?"

"Because—" his voice trailed off and he turned his grey eyes to Lily, searching her face. "If I tell you, you can't tell anyone," he said. "You—you'll probably hate me. I don't blame you. You can stop talking to me, you can stop being friends with me. That's alright, I'll understand. Just…just don't tell anyone else."

"But what—" Lily began.

"Lily, please, just promise me you won't tell anyone!"

"Okay," she assented, sliding uneasily into the chair next to him. "But, Remus, I don't know what could possibly be so terrible—"

"I'm a monster," he said hollowly, turning to look her in the eye. "I'm not considered human by most wizards. I'm just a dangerous, dirty monster."

"Remus—"

"I'm a werewolf, Lily."

There was a pregnant pause. Lily sat back and stared at her friend, her mouth falling open. Remus immediately looked away and put his head back in his hands, rocking away from her.

"I won't tell anyone," she whispered, reaching out to place a hand between Remus' shoulder blades.

"Do you hate me?" he asked in a choked voice. "Do you want to never associate with me again?"

"Of course not," Lily assured him, rubbing his back slowly. "What kind of a friend would I be if I did that? And after all you've done, after how much you've helped me and how kind you've been?"

"Lily," he said, lifting his head to look at her, his grey eyes rimmed with self-loathing. "Don't you understand? I'm not even a human! I'm—I'm a—"

"Remus, stop," Lily said quickly, pulling him into a hug. "Stop that. You're not a monster. You're a human, and one of the best ones I know."

"Most people would be running out the door screaming right now," he said thickly into her shoulder.

"Most people also think I'm an inferior witch because my parents were muggles," Lily said evenly.

"You know that's not true."

"It is. I've heard people talk about me and seen how surprised they are, no matter how well they cover it up, when they hear I'm muggle-born. But it doesn't matter what they think because I have lovely friends like you and Marlene and Alice and Mary, and I suppose Sirius and Peter. And none of you care. So why should it be any different with you?"

"Lily, once a month I transform into a furry killer," Remus said.

"I don't care," Lily replied. "I don't care at all. You're one of the kindest people I know and were the first who was my friend when I came here. I'm not going anywhere."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Lily still running her hand across Remus' back.

"So that's why you say your mother's sick?" she asked. "As a cover to leave school?"

"Yes," Remus said, moving out of her embrace and sitting up to look at her. "I needed a good reason for me to be away once a month. That seemed to be the most plausible."

Lily nodded, her brows furrowing. "Where do you go to transform?" she asked. "I can't imagine Dumbledore lets you run around the Forbidden Forest."

Remus gave a small, wary smile. "I go to the Shrieking Shack," he told her. "There's a tunnel concealed by the Whomping Willow. I go there every full moon."

Lily laughed. "And that's why people think it's haunted?" she asked, grinning. "It's you?"

"You guessed it," Remus said, the corners of his mouth turning up. "You had no idea you were friends with the ghost that terrorized Hogsmeade, did you?"

"I didn't," Lily answered, leaning back in her chair. Remus glanced at her.

"Thank you for understanding," he said.

"Thank you for telling me," Lily replied, moving to stand up. "And I suppose we should get back to the common room before people begin to wonder where we are and make up ridiculous rumors?"

Remus grinned and stood up with her. "I suppose we should," he said, offering his arm with a mock bow. "Shall I walk you back?" he asked jokingly.

Lily giggled and threaded her arm through his. "You shall," she said.

From that day forward Lily found herself checking her lunar charts frequently, counting down the days to the full moon. March slipped by, with the marauders throwing parties for both Remus and James' birthdays. The snow melted and Lily watched her winter wonderland fade away as April beckoned.

As the grounds thawed and temperatures rose, the stress level of the fifth year students skyrocketed as O.W.L. exams loomed over their heads. Lily found herself with Connor in the library most evenings, drawing up study schedules and copying notes.

"This is mad!" she cried in frustration one evening, throwing her quill down and throwing her head on the open book in front of her. "Exams are in two months and we're all studying as if they're tomorrow," Lily moaned.

Connor gave her a sympathetic smile and squeezed her shoulder. "Cheer up, Lilyflower," he said lightly. "We just have to get through this last stretch and survive exams and then we never have to take them again."

"Until N.E.W.T.s," Lily said dully, picking her head up. "I almost wish I was a muggle right now."

"No, you don't," Connor chided. "Because if you were a muggle you wouldn't be here and if you weren't here you wouldn't know me."

Lily laughed and turned to smile at her boyfriend, who was grinning boyishly at her, his dark eyes shining.

"I guess that's true," she said airily, flipping a page in the book. "But you know some of those muggle boys—"

"What's this about muggle boys?" the voice of Sirius Black called from behind her. Lily whipped around and groaned when she saw him standing behind her.

"Go away, Sirius," she said. "I'm trying to study."

"Hello, Goldstein," Sirius said, ignoring Lily and nodding towards Connor.

"Hi there, Black," Connor said unenthusiastically.

"Marlene needs you for something," Sirius said, sliding into an empty chair and turning to Lily with his lower lip jutted out in a pout. "Please come back to the common room with me so that girl won't hex me."

"Sirius—" Lily warned.

"Honest!" he cried, throwing his hands up. "She sent me here for you!"

"It can't be that urgent," Lily said, turning back to her book and picking her quill up.

"She sounded like she meant it," Sirius said. "She was going bloody mental."

Lily sighed and set her quill down. "Do you mind if—" she said, turning to Connor.

Her boyfriend looked put out, but not angry as he nodded his head in resignation. "Yes, yes, it's fine," he said, gesturing for her to stand up.

"Thank you, I'm so sorry," Lily said quickly, bending to kiss him as she threw her things into her bag.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Connor said lightly.

"Of course," Lily replied before she turned and followed Sirius out of the library.

"What does Marlene need?" she asked him curiously.

"Oh, nothing," Sirius said simply, shrugging his shoulders. "I need to talk to you."

"Sirius!" Lily yelled, smacking him in the shoulder.

"I'm sorry!" he insisted, leaning away in case she tried to hit him again. "I needed a reason for you to leave and I didn't think Mr. Boyfriend would appreciate me asking you to come back to the common room so we can have a chat."

Lily sighed but didn't respond. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"It's important, Lilybean," Sirius said.

"Fine, what is it?" Lily huffed, unwilling to give him a complete victory.

"I know you know about Remus," Sirius said, watching and gauging Lily's reaction. She spun around and stared at him, eyes wide.

"How do you know I know?" she demanded.

Sirius shrugged. "It's not hard to figure out," he said. "I saw you had your star charts out and were writing down dates of the next full moons. And you've been talking with him more."

Lily gaped at him. "You figured it out from that?" she asked incredulously.

Sirius merely shrugged again. "Like I said, it was pretty easy to figure out. You had that look of someone who knew something big."

"I had a look?" Lily asked skeptically.

"Yes. Now, I know he probably already asked you not to tell, but I just need to double check. You're the first person other than the Marauders and the teachers who knows. So we weren't exactly sure what to do, but we need your word that you won't tell _anyone_ Remus' secret."

Lily continued to stare at Sirius. Her face screwed up angrily for a moment and she started to hiss, "I would never tell anyone! How could you even think—"

"Evans, slow down," Sirius said, laughing and laying a hand on her shoulder. "None of us really think you'd say anything, but we just want to be sure. You can't tell anyone. Not Marlene. Not Alice. Not Mary. No one."

"I know," Lily said indignantly, still slightly offended. "I was never going to tell anyone."

"Good," Sirius said, looking relieved. "That's all we wanted."

April wore on and Lily continued to watch her lunar charts, waiting anxiously for April 24th, the day of the full moon. Remus appeared in class that day looking sickly, his skin almost transparent and his eyes rimmed with purple bags.

That night, after her friend had gone down to the hospital wing, Lily sat up in the common room, wanting to do something to make Remus' life a little easier.

She got an idea suddenly and ran out the portrait hole, returning twenty minutes later with a tray full of food from the kitchens.

She scurried up the stairs to the boys dormitory, taking care not to bump the tray on anything. She reached the fifth year dormitory and knocked.

The door opened and James peered at her, surprise written across his face.

"Er, what are you doing here?" He asked, staring down at the scarlet-faced redhead holding an overloaded tray of food. Lily became aware of the fact James was not wearing a shirt, and felt her face flush redder.

"Erm," she stammered, "I—I just thought—you know tonight's the night for Remus—and I just—I wanted to do something and thought—food."

James' stare moved from Lily's steaming face to the tray of food she held. Slowly, he reached forward and took the tray from her.

"Right," he said. "He'll appreciate this."

"Yes, well, that was the idea," Lily said quickly, turning on her heel to go. "I—tell him I hope everything went okay and that he's fine!"

"Yeah, I will," James said to her retreating back. "And, Evans?" he called out.

Lily turned around and saw that his face had gone red as well. She fought the absurd urge to laugh at the picture of James Potter, standing shirtless in the doorway of his dormitory, holding a tray of food, with his cheeks flushed.

"Thank you for being so accepting," James said quietly, his gaze moving to the floor. "It means a lot to Remus."

"It—it was no trouble," Lily murmured. "I just treated him the same way he treated me." And she hurried away, smiling to herself and feeling lighter than she had since Peter's party.

 **Author's Note:** Thank you everyone for the reviews, I love reading them! I'm just going to respond to reviews on the site instead of in updates; it's just quicker and more convenient for everyone.

But thanks to Pottergirl3333, StrawberryLemonTea, The-Black-Rose-of-Gallifrey, Alicia Mirza, deant33, jilyforeva, and Cap92A for the reviews you guys rock!

A huge shoutout to VileMalfoys for being my beta!


	11. Love and Other Drugs

**Author's Note:** Just a quick reminder that this story doesn't completely follow canon, so there is a scene in here that is based on a canon scene, but is changed in order to fit the events of this story.

Also a quick disclaimer: I'm not JKR and so I don't own anything.

* * *

April rushed by in a blur of books and notes as the Hogwarts fifth years buckled down and studied. Lily spent nearly every evening either in the library or the common room, buried under a mountain of books as she attempted to cram every date, incantation, and arbitrary fact into her already overcrowded mind. Around her, her friends were doing the same; even the Marauders had forgone consideration for their reputation and now studied in the open.

The nasty greys and browns of April morphed into the lush greens and blues of May, but Lily and her friends hardly noticed. It wasn't until a Saturday morning at the end of May, with O.W.L.s a mere three weeks away, that Lily peered at the Great Hall and ceiling and realized that summer was approaching.

"Just think," the redhead sighed to Mary as she scooped eggs onto her plate, "in just a few weeks there will be no more exams to worry about and I can go home and lay down in the grass and do nothing for hours."

"That sounds wonderful," Mary replied absently, not even looking up from the thick transfiguration book in her lap.

"I can't wait— _oh!_ " Lily cried out as a letter was dropped onto her plate, sending scrambled eggs flying in all directions. "I'm sorry!" she said quickly to Mary and Alice, who both had eggs in their hair.

"It's alright," Alice said placidly, taking a napkin and carefully removing the food from her blonde curls. "I swear the owls get dumber every year," she grumbled.

"Oh, Alice, it's not their fault," Lily admonished. "It's—hold on," she stopped and picked up the letter, peering at it in disbelief. "This is Petunia's handwriting! Petunia's written me a letter!"

"Your sister?" Mary asked, glancing over.

Lily nodded, still staring at the envelope. A broad grin spread over her face as she stared down at her name, written in Petunia's neat handwriting on the white envelope. "I knew she'd come around," Lily said, almost to herself.

"Well, it took her long enough," Mary said, going back to her book.

Lily ignored this and hastily tore open the envelope. Her eyes roved over the short letter, her grin fading and then disappearing altogether.

"What'd she say?" Mary asked absently, noticing Lily's silence.

"I—" Lily's mouth opened and closed as she gaped at the offending piece of paper, her green eyes crinkled and watery in confusion. "Just look," she said dejectedly, attempting to force her face into an unperturbed expression and failing miserably. She shoved the letter at Mary, who took it with raised eyebrows.

 _Dear Lily,_

 _I'm only writing to you to ask that you stop sending me letters while you're at school. If you find you must contact me, do so through the normal post. Yesterday this horrid bird swooped in the window and dropped an envelope on the table while Vernon was over and I don't think I will ever live down the humiliation you caused. How am I supposed to explain a bird flying into the house carrying mail? Seeing as I can't tell him what you are, I had to invent a story about us having a batty neighbor who tries to domesticate owls. So you see, it is very important that you stop writing. My engagement could be at stake. Dad says he still wants to hear from you, but I strongly advise against it._

 _Your silence will be reply enough. Please don't send an answer._

 _Petunia_

"Oh, Lily," Mary said gently, putting the letter gently on the table and glaring at it. "That was a foul thing for her to write."

"It—it's not all her fault," Lily said quietly, staring at her plate. The corners of her mouth quivered as she fought the tears building up behind her eyes. "I should have thought—"

"Lily, that's rubbish," Mary said firmly, putting an arm around the redhead.

"I don't know," Lily sighed. She shrugged off Mary's shoulder and snatched the letter from the table. "I'm going back to the common room," she said, rising from her seat.

"I'll come with you," Mary said, beginning to follow.

"No," Lily said firmly. "Enjoy your day, I don't want you worrying about me. I—I'll be fine." She turned walked quickly back to Gryffindor tower, the letter crumpled in her fist. Lily allowed a few tears to streak down her cheek, but they were hot and angry, not sad.

 _She can't just cut me out like this,_ she fumed. _She can't do this._

She reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and clambered through, hardly watching where she was going.

"Evans?"

 _No, please. Not now._

She looked up. James was standing at the bottom of the staircase leading to the boys dormitory, watching Lily with a look of mild concern.

"Hello," she said sullenly, moving to an armchair on the opposite side of the room. She couldn't talk to James now. He had dropped the cold shoulder after Lily had showed up with the tray of food for Remus, but they were now simply acquaintances. Not friends, not enemies. Acquaintances. People who barely spoke to each other and used each other's surnames.

The thought of James, her James, comforting her while calling her Evans made Lily's chest tighten. She couldn't help but think that if James were to ask again for her friendship, as he had in Hogsmeade back in October, she would say yes without hesitation.

"Are you alright?" James asked, moving forward cautiously. He reminded Lily right then of a baby deer carefully walking towards a human, unsure of whether the thing it approached was safe.

"I'm fine," Lily said, harsher than she meant to. Her face was hot, she felt flustered and unsure. She wanted him to leave. Anyone, absolutely anyone, would be better than James right now. James, who she used to tell everything to and who now didn't even call her by her first name.

She glanced up and saw James watching her intently, his hazel eyes trained on her red face and watery eyes.

"Prongs, what—oh, hi, Lily!" James jumped as Sirius' voice rang out. Lily watched as Sirius strode over, uninhibited by the past feelings and regrets and grudges which hung between her and James.

"Hi, Sirius," she said quietly, trying to hide her face. She wasn't quick enough. Sirius approached her chair, passing a frozen James, and leaned down to look at Lily.

"What's wrong, Lilybean?" he asked in an uncharacteristically gentle voice.

Lily sighed and turned away so she faced the window. "Nothing," she lied. "Just stress, you know, with exams so close—"

"Bullocks," Sirius interrupted, circling the chair so he blocked Lily's view of the grounds. "What's wrong?" he asked again. "You have to tell me, Lilybean, or else I'll force it out of you."

"I just—" she stammered, her eyes flickering to James, who stood in the same spot as before, watching the exchange warily. Sirius' eyes followed hers and he looked back to Lily with understanding.

"Prongs, go to breakfast, I'll meet you there," Sirius said, waving James away. James looked momentarily surprised, and then annoyed.

"Padfoot," he said tersely, moving towards Lily and Sirius.

"It won't take long," Sirius said, standing up to his full height. "Just give me and Lilybean a moment."

James' eyes passed between his best friend and the redhead. With an irritated grunt, he spun around and stalked out of the common room.

"Right," Sirius said, pulling up a chair and sitting beside Lily. "Now that Prongs isn't here, what's wrong, Lilybean?"

In answer, Lily held out Petunia's letter, now crumpled and torn. Sirius smoothed the paper out and scanned the paragraph, his eyebrows furrowing together.

"Petunia's your sister?" he asked when he had finished, handing Lily the letter.

She nodded and stared at the writing. "She hates me," Lily whispered, refusing to meet Sirius' gaze. "And I didn't do anything. She hates me because I'm different and because I wouldn't give up magic to live at home."

Sirius let out a low whistle and stared out the window for a moment, his grey eyes glassy. "Have I ever told you about my brother?" he asked in a faraway voice.

Lily turned in surprise, her eyebrows shooting up. "I didn't know you had a brother," she said frankly, blushing at her ignorance. She had been friends with Sirius for months now, had could she not know he had a brother?

"I suppose you wouldn't, if you didn't know my family beforehand," Sirius said, not looking offended in the least by her lack of knowledge regarding his family. "He's in slytherin," the black haired boy added bitterly.

"Oh," Lily said, drawing her knees to her chest and unsure how to respond. "That—it—it's not uncommon to have siblings in different houses, though, right?" she asked feebly.

Sirius snorted. "For most people, maybe that's true, but not when you're a Black."

Lily looked at him in confusion.

Sirius sighed and leaned forward in his chair, his shoulders hunched and his shaggy hair falling around his face. "How much do you know about my family, Lily?" he asked.

Lily shrugged. "Not much. I, er, heard about a few of your cousins who are, you know…" she trailed off. Sirius looked up and offered her a small, humorless smile.

"Death eaters?" he supplied, his voice hollow. Lily nodded, her face turning red.

"Yeah, well, those stories aren't wrong," Sirius said. "My family is all about the blood purity shit. Half of them have already joined up with Voldemort. My parents love him. Every Black is supposed to be fighting to preserve our heritage."

"But you don't?" Lily asked, thinking how those sentiments did not match up with the Sirius she had come to know. Sirius fixed her with a stare, his grey eyes boring into her green ones.

"I think they're all a bunch of nutters," he said, not taking his eyes off hers for a second. "I think they're sick and twisted. I'm the first Black in generations not to be sorted into Slytherin."

Lily nodded slowly, her confusion growing. "But, your brother?"

Sirius leaned back and sighed. "My brother is my parents' puppet," he said bitterly, picking at a piece of skin around his nail and not looking at Lily. "Little Regulus behaves like a _proper_ Black, as I'm reminded every bloody summer."

Lily said nothing, but stared at the agitated boy next to her.

"He's in his third year here," Sirius continued, still staring intently at his hands. "We've barely spoken since he started school. One day I know he's going to join up with Voldemort. And there's nothing I can do."

"Sirius," Lily began, but closed her mouth. There was nothing she could say. Wasn't this all too similar to what was happening between her and Petunia? "I'm sorry," Lily said finally. She reached out and put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "I understand," she whispered, peering at the boy's bitter face.

"Thanks," Sirius grunted, turning around to face her. Suddenly, he reached out and grabbed Petunia's letter, which had been sitting forgotten in Lily's lap. Without a word, Sirius stood up and walked over to the fireplace, throwing the crumpled paper into the flames.

"Fuck 'em," he said, returning to his armchair. "We don't need them."

Lily stared at him and craned her neck to watch the last of her letter disappear into ashes. A small smile spread across her face as she reached out and enveloped Sirius in a hug.

"Who needs a sister when I have friends like you?" she whispered.

Sirius returned the hug and when they broke apart, the bitter lines on his face were replaced with a grin. "I'd better go down to breakfast before Pr—James has a tantrum," he said, jumping up from his chair.

Lily smiled and got up also. "Thank you, Sirius," she said quietly.

"It's nothing, Lilybean," Sirius responded, giving her an exaggerated wink before walking to the portrait hole and climbing through.

Lily stood in the middle of the common room for a moment, torn between wanting to laugh at how ridiculous yet lovely her friends were, and wanting to cry on behalf of Sirius, for going through the same pain as she was. In the end she chose to laugh, giggling as she climbed the stairs to her dormitory and throwing herself happily on her bed. Really, who needed Petunia?

Lily's giddiness was short lived. The rest of the weekend was spent in the library, poring over books, and by the time Monday arrived, ushering with it more loads of homework and never ending lectures from professors about the importance of O.W.L.s, Lily felt ready to explode.

"I want to go and just sleep through the next three weeks and wake up to be told how I did on my exams," she complained to Connor Monday afternoon as they exited charms.

"I'm not sure how well you'll do if you're unconscious," her boyfriend replied, draping an arm around her shoulder. "Unfortunately, I think being awake is rather necessary to passing."

"Argh," Lily groaned, twisting the bracelet she wore on her wrist. "But if I'm not going to pass anyways, what does it matter?"

"Don't say that," Connor said, squeezing her shoulder.

Lily sighed and watched the stream of students pass by. She envied the first and second years, who had years until they had to worry about O.W.L.s. Behind her, she could hear the Marauders boisterous conversation with Marlene and Mary, debating whether or not Sirius could convince a house elf to do his homework for him.

A group of slytherins passed by and Lily saw Severus with his friends. She looked away. She and Severus had hardly spoken in months and Lily still wasn't sure where they stood with each other. She couldn't find it in herself to forgive him for Mary's attack, and felt compelled to cut ties completely with her slytherin friend. And yet, she always reasoned, Severus was her best friend. He had been there for her when no one else was. She couldn't bring herself to cast aside a six year friendship.

So she avoided it and watched the stone wall pass.

"Argh!" A voice cried out. Lily turned to see the very friend she had been thinking of sprawled out in the middle of the corridor, his books scattered around him.

"Watch where you're going, Snivellus," James sneered from behind Lily, his wand in his hand.

Snape glared at James and sprung to his feet, drawing his own wand from the pocket of his robes. "Potter," he spat. "You're going to regret that."

"Really?" James taunted.

Lily felt ill. She shrugged off Connor's arm and let fury course through her as she watched James mock Severus.

 _He hasn't changed at all,_ she thought bitterly, her heart sinking. She hated him at the moment, hated him for picking on her friend, hated him for being so distant even though that was her fault, hated him for making her think they could possibly be friendly again before acting like a jerk.

James stepped forward and raised his wand.

"Leave him alone!" Lily cried out, rushing forward and standing between the two glaring boys. Her face was flushed with anger and her eyes sparkled as she stared at James. Somewhere to the side, Lily could hear the unmistakable voice of Sarah Carroll whisper, "Oh, look everyone, muggle-born Evans is going to save the day."

"Move, Evans," James said, his hazel eyes boring into her. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Then leave him alone," Lily said, standing her ground. "What's he done to you, anyways?"

James laughed, humorlessly, and his eyes flickered towards Snape, who was glaring at his opponent. "It's more of the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean," James said lightly.

Blood boiled behind Lily's eyes and for a moment she saw red. "James Potter, leave him alone!" she screeched, peering over her shoulder at her old best friend.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said casually, twirling his wand between his fingers and giving Lily an irritating smirk.

"If you don't want to hurt me then walk away," Lily said quietly, her eyes burning. James raised his eyebrows and then took a step back, dropping his arm to his side.

"Be glad Evans was here to help you, Snivelly," he called to Snape, who was still scowling.

"I don't need help from a filthy mudblood like her!"

Lily stepped backwards, feeling as though she had been punched in the stomach. An audible gasp went through the assembled crowd. James let out a cry of indignation. She turned slowly to face Severus, whose face was murderous.

"Fine," Lily said coolly, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at her old best friend. "I won't try next time. See, I only help my _friends._ "

Severus opened his mouth to reply, his face growing frantic, but Lily didn't wait to hear whatever he had to say. Her face impassive, she stalked back to Connor, who was looking at her nervously, and took his hand.

"Let's go," Lily said tersely. They started off down the hallway, only to be waylaid moments later by James and Marlene.

"Lily!" Marlene cried, but was interrupted by James.

"I can't believe he called you that!" the boy said fiercely, evidently forgetting his resolution to act as though he and Lily were nothing more than good acquaintances. "I should go back there and make him apologize for that—it was disgusting—the slimy—"

"Stop," Lily said coldly, tugging on Connor's hand and pausing in the middle of the corridor. She looked up at James with loathing. "You're not any better than him," Lily hissed.

James looked taken aback. "What?" he asked, gaping at her.

Lily straightened and glared at James with every bit of hatred she could muster. He was so infuriating, going from bullying her former friend to being angry on her behalf. Treating her with indifference and then suddenly acting as though he had a right to be concerned. Lily let her irritation and confusion and anger pound inside her head as she scowled at the bewildered boy in front of her.

"You go around acting like you're so much better than him, Ja—Potter!" she cried, attracting several stares. Lily plowed on, not caring who heard or who could see. "And you're just as bad as him!"

"Hey," James said, stepping forward and holding out a pacifying hand.

Lily ignored his extended hand. "No!" she said in a strangled voice. "You haven't changed a bit! You're just as arrogant, just as much of a bully. I don't know how I ever—" she stopped, suddenly aware of where she was and of the fact that several strangers and her boyfriend were listening.

"Don't know how you ever what?" James demanded, his hand dropping back to his side and his face flaring up. "Don't know how you ever spent all day with me at the beach? Don't know how you ever shared your secrets and your fears with me? Don't know how you ever trusted me? Don't know how you ever told me you loved me?"

Lily's mouth opened, but no words came out. Around her, she saw Marlene covering her face with her hands, Sirius staring open mouthed at James. Across the corridor, a white faced Severus turned away and hurried away. Lily could feel Connor's eyes on her.

Her face burned as she felt a dozen shocked stares burning into her. James' face was still red and he was breathing heavily as he stared down at the floor.

Without a word, Lily reached out for Connor's hand. With a small squeeze, he followed her away from the crowd.

Lily's mind was tangled up from humiliation. She could feel the heat from her face radiate as she walked quickly, avoiding Connor's gaze. They walked in silence, neither sure what to say.

"Er, you want to go to the library?" he asked eventually.

Lily nodded and followed the ravenclaw through the heavy doors. They found a table in the back and took out their books and notes, neither looking nor speaking to each other.

They worked quietly, asking occasionally for help on certain spells or theories. Soon they began talking about their plans for the summer. But the conversation seemed different now, Lily reflected. It reminded her of those she used to have with Severus in the beginning of the year. They talked easily about an assortment of topics, but neither broached on the subject of a certain bespectacled wizard, or mentioned what had occurred in the hallway. Lily hoped sadly that her relationship with Connor wasn't doomed to the same messy ending as her friendship with Severus.

Lily didn't have much time in the next few weeks to ruminate on the nuances of her relationship or bask in her renewed animosity towards James. Her time was spent studying. Before she knew it, O.W.L.s were there and Lily felt as though she had never had a more stressful week. The exams went by and though she was sure she failed the transfiguration practical and could have done much better in charms theory, Lily breathed a sigh of relief on the last Friday of term when she walked out of Defense Against the Dark Arts, her last exam.

"Lily!" Severus was running towards her, calling her name.

Lily ignored him and continued walking.

"Lily, I'm sorry," the hook nosed boy panted, catching up to her and reaching out to take hold of her elbow. "I'm sorry I called you that. I didn't mean it, I swear. It just—"

"Slipped out?" Lily supplied, glaring at her old best friend and tugging her arm from his grip. "Well sorry if that pathetic explanation doesn't make me want to fall to my knees and forgive you."

"Lily—" Severus pleaded, attempting to stop her.

"No, Sev!" the redhead cried. "I'm done. You've chosen your path. I've made excuses for you for way too long. You've picked your side, and it's not the one I'm on."

Severus continued to stare at her, his black eyes groveling. Lily hurriedly put her head down and squared her shoulders. "Goodbye, Sev," she said quietly before sprinting away towards Gryffindor Tower.

That night was the end of year feast, which was just as grand as Marlene promised. The food was phenomenal and the Great Hall was decorated with blue and bronze hangings, as Ravenclaw had won the house cup. Everything was spectacular, but Lily didn't enjoy a moment of it. Three seats away from her sat James, who hadn't so much as made eye contact with her since the scene in the corridor. Across the hall sat Severus, whose dark eyes stared out and filled Lily with guilt and irritation. And so, as soon as Dumbledore finished his speech, Lily sprung up from her seat and, without waiting for any of her friends, returned to her dormitory to pack.

Although she dreaded seeing Petunia, Lily was relieved to be returning home. The stress of exams, on which she wanted desperately to do well so she would make Dorcas proud, as well as her continued avoidance of James and the awkward dynamic with Connor had made Cokeworth seem like paradise.

She slept happily that night, picturing her own bed that would greet her the next day. On Saturday morning, Lily cheerfully boarded the Hogwarts Express, chattering animatedly with Marlene and Alice about her summer plans and promising to visit.

The three girls found Mary and were wandering the corrdors looking for a compartment when Connor Goldstein approached, clearly searching for Lily.

"Oh, good, I've found you," he said in relief, holding out a hand which Lily took curiously. "Listen, could we get a compartment just to ourselves for a bit?" he dropped a kiss on her forehead. "I feel like I've barely been able to talk to you the last few weeks."

"Yeah, okay," Lily said quietly peering over her shoulder at her friends, who smirked back at her. "Do you mind if I spend the first hour or so with Connor?" she asked.

"No, of course not," Alice said with a grin, waving the couple off. "Go, have fun."

"But not too much fun!" Marlene added slyly.

Lily blushed and made a rude hand gesture towards the laughing brunette before walking away, hand in hand with Connor.

They found an empty compartment halfway down and slid into it. They passed a pleasant half an hour discussing their plans for Lily to visit his house in two weeks.

Lily found herself very content, leaning back against Connor's chest while he played with her hair and described his family's garden and the gnomes which populated it. Really, she reflected, this was a lovely way to spend the train ride home, with no drama or fighting.

Connor finished talking about the gnomes and grew quiet, his fingers threading through Lily's hair.

"I told Miles I would meet him soon," he said quietly, his hands stopping their ministrations. He swallowed hard and for a moment Lily thought he was going to say something else.

"So, I'll see you soon," Connor said hurriedly, fidgeting.

Lily sat up and moved so her boyfriend could slide past her. A part of her was screaming to just blurt out what she wanted to say, that they needed to talk about what had happened, they needed to address James, the elephant in the room.

"Bye," was all she said, tipping her face up and giving him a soft kiss. "I'll send you an owl as soon as I'm home."

Connor nodded and then slowly left the compartment, gently closing the door behind him. Lily stayed seated, her face in her hands. Everything was alright, she kept telling herself.

But if everything was alright why did it feel so wrong?

She stayed sitting like that for a few minutes, ruminating on the uneasiness which had crept into her life.

"Lily?"

She looked up and saw Marlene and Remus standing at the door, watching her.

"We saw Connor in the corridor," Marlene explained, entering the compartment and taking a seat next to Lily. Remus followed and sat on her other side. "We came to find you when you didn't show up at our compartment."

"Are you okay?" Remus asked gently, putting an arm around Lily's shoulders.

Lily shrugged. What was there to tell them?

"I'm fine," she said quietly, looking between her two friends. Marlene smiled, taking a piece of Lily's hair and twisting it around her finger. Remus watched Marlene, a small frown on his face as he looked between the brunette and Lily.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked, squeezing Lily's shoulder. "You can tell us, you know, if something's wrong. We're here for you."

"That's right," Marlene said firmly.

Lily smiled and sat back, nodding her head. "Yes," she said, now with more conviction. "Yes, everything's okay. I was—I was being stupid."

Marlene smiled at Remus and let go of Lily, turning her head so she was looking directly at the redhead. "Everyone gets the summertime blues, Lils, don't worry about it. We just wanted to be sure you were okay."

"Thank you," Lily said, offering a small smile to each of her friends in turn. "Really, for everything. Not for checking on me but for—I don't think I would have survived the year without you two."

"Anytime, Lils," Marlene said happily, planting a kiss on Lily's cheek and standing up. "I'm going back to the compartment," she said, giving Remus a knowing look, "I don't think Mary's quite got the experience to keep the other three idiots in check."

"Alright," Remus said, glancing back at Lily. "You go, I'm going to stay here for a bit."

Marlene agreed and, after giving Lily another hug and telling them both to come back to the other compartment when they were ready, skipped down the corridor.

Remus watched the brunette's retreating back with an odd expression on his face. Lily watched him, her eyes widening.

"Remus," she said slowly. "You told me you used to have a crush on Marlene. Do you still-?"

"Yes," he said with a sigh, tearing his gaze from the corridor.

Lily let out a squeal, eager to talk about something both happy and not about her. To her surprise, though, Remus did not look excited. He looked miserable.

"Does she know?" Lily asked.

Remus shook his head. "No one knows," he answered.

"Why not?" Lily inquired, scooching closer and putting a hand on Remus' shoulder.

"It's better if no one knows," Remus said, turning his grey eyes to Lily. "She's better off not knowing. I wouldn't want to get her hopes up. And I can never—"

"Yes you can," Lily said quickly, realizing what her friend was saying. "There's no reason for you not to be happy like everyone else."

"Lily," Remus said sadly. "I don't think you understand. Me and Marlene…we could never be anything. I would either have to not tell her what I am and keep an entire part of my identify a secret to her, or else tell her and risk losing not only whatever potential we had, but also one of my closest friends."

"I'm sure Marley wouldn't mind," Lily insisted. Her own troubles were pushed to the back of her mind as she watched Remus, one of the kindest people in the world, look so miserable because of something he couldn't help.

Remus shook his head. "Even if she didn't mind," he said, "I could never do that to her, subject her to that kind of scrutiny. There are plenty of people out there who are much better for her than I would be."

"Remus, but you still like her—"

"Do you still like James?" he cut in, staring at Lily intently.

She recoiled momentarily, caught off guard by his abrupt manner. "I think you know the answer to that already."

"And would you ever go tell him that?" Remus asked. "Would you try to start something again?"

"No," Lily admitted, dropping her head. "No, I wouldn't."

"Do you see?" Remus asked, nudging her. "Why I think it's better if I don't tell her? I mean, at least you and James have a fighting chance, Lily."

Lily snorted. "No," she said firmly. "I think that door is shut for good. And there's Connor"

"Lily, I think if you two would just talk you could at least be friends, Connor or no Connor."

"I don't want to make things any more complicated than they are," Lily said quietly, moving away from Remus. "I think it's best if we both just move on."

Remus studied her for a moment, his eyebrows slightly raised. "Do you really believe you can forget about him?" he asked.

Lily sighed and sank back in the seat. "I need to try."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** And with that ends fifth year. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, I love hearing from you. For all the Jily lovers, I can promise that sixth year will be jam packed with Jily scenes as we get closer to the resolution of the story, and the next update will have a big one!

As always please review and tell me your thoughts!


	12. Family Matters

Summer slid by uneventfully for Lily. After spending all year away at school where her friends were always nearby, and before that passing summers happily with Severus, or in last year's case with James, solitude hit Lily hard. She couldn't remember a time she had felt so lonely at home. Her father maintained his routine of rising very early to go to work and retreating to his room almost as soon as he got home. He had barely batted an eye at Lily's homecoming.

Petunia stayed busy, though Lily suspected her sister's hectic schedule was arranged on purpose so that the two girls rarely saw each other. Day in and day out Petunia rushed to and fro, constantly worried about the minute details of her wedding, which crept closer.

Lily watched her sister run about every day and saw her father plod along as he had since her mother's death. She tried unsuccessfully to forget about James, not to think about how dull this summer was in comparison to the last.

Connor wrote faithfully three times a week, detailing life at home with four sisters. Lily tried to respond with enthusiasm, but between her own boredom and her deteriorating relationship with her family, her letters usually ended up being little more than accounts of whichever book she happened to be reading. He asked multiple times if he might come visit her and meet her father and sister, but Lily always evaded this question. Part of her didn't want to jeopardize her already precarious relationship with Petunia; another, more honest part didn't like the thought of allowing Connor into all her favorite places that right now belonged to her and Severus…and James. Thinking of Connor sitting in the grass with her where she had spent so much time last year, or at the playground where she had discovered she was a witch, it seemed unnatural. He had no place there.

So she made her excuses and soon he stopped asking.

Her friends wrote regularly and, much to Lily's surprise, Sirius became her most frequent correspondent. He wrote nearly every day, entertaining her with stories of the pranks he and James had pulled over the years. Lily found she looked forward to his letters more than anyone else's. Yet she could never quite shake the feeling that there was something false about the letters. Thinking back to what Sirius had told her about his family, she wanted to ask him if everything was alright at home, whether or not he had spoken to his brother. But she never did. It was Sirius' life, she reasoned. He had every right to keep some things a secret.

One particular morning in early August, a week before Petunia's wedding, Lily was sprawled out over the sofa, reading _Sense and Sensibility_ for the umpteenth time. She was in a sour mood. Connor was in Spain with his family and wouldn't be returning for another two weeks. Lily, with the help of Petunia's pointed questioning the day before, had realized she would be all alone at her sister's wedding. The thought made her nauseous.

A light tapping came from the window and Lily shot up from the sofa, eager for a distraction.

Marlene's tawny owl sat on the windowsill and flew happily into the living room when Lily opened the window.

Lily hurriedly fed the bird a treat and untied the letter from its leg. To her chagrin, she saw that Marlene hadn't written her usual long epistle, but only a short blurb, barely half a page. Lily unrolled the parchment, slightly annoyed with her friend.

Her eyes scanned the page and her irritation was replaced by shock.

 _I'm at James' house,_ Marlene had written. _Sirius ran away from home and is staying here now. He's in bad shape, but James is taking care of him. I don't know what exactly happened, Sirius says he doesn't want to talk about it but James said he was in a right state when he showed up at the door last night, with just a small bag of clothes and a bit of money, muttering about how his family is full of nutters and he refuses to stay there. Which is why I'm writing right now, I'm sorry this is so short, I promise to write a nice long, juicy letter soon, but this was important. Would you want to come to the Potters tomorrow to see Sirius? He said you know a bit about his family and it would be good for him to see someone other than me or James._

 _Send Gideon back with a response._

 _Lots of Love,_

 _Marlene_

Lily sank down into the sofa, Marlene's letter clutched in her fist. Her heart was heavy for her friend, she remembered the conversation she and Sirius had shared not too long ago about their different family problems. A part of her had really hoped, based on his letters that Sirius had managed to work things out.

Lily exhaled heavily and flopped backwards so she was staring at the ceiling. She had to go. She had to be there for Sirius; she owed him that much. But why, for the love of all that was magical, did he have to be at James' house of all places?

Lily chastised herself silently for being so childish. It shouldn't matter where Sirius was or who was with him. What mattered was that her friend needed her. She had to go.

With a sigh, Lily sat up and snatched a pen off a nearby table. Using the back of Marlene's letter, she scribbled out a quick reply and sent the disgruntled bird out the window. Decidedly unsettled, Lily picked up her book and stared at the page she had left off on, not taking in a word.

At ten minutes to one the next afternoon Lily found herself standing on her front porch, waiting for Mrs. Potter to appear and apparate with her to the Potter house. Lily tapped her foot and glanced at her watch, slightly annoyed even though James' mother wasn't expected for another ten minutes.

Lily's stomach twisted and squirmed as she sat and waited. The prospect of seeing Mrs. Potter filled her with dread. She had met the woman a few times last summer and liked her immensely, but had no idea what James had told his mother regarding their fallout.

At two minutes to one there was a small _pop_ and Mrs. Potter stood before Lily, smiling sweetly at the redhead. She was small, a head shorter than her son and the top of her head reached Lily's nose. Her hair had turned grey but her light brown eyes danced with youth and humor.

"It's marvelous to see you, dear!" Mrs. Potter cried happily, stepping forward and enveloping Lily in a crushing hug. "James wrote us straightaway after he ran into you on the train and discovered you're like us. Monty and I didn't believe it, of course. We thought Jamesy was pulling one of his jokes, but then Malena McKinnon told me that Marley had a new friend who had been homeschooled. Oh, I can't believe you're a witch! Of course, I'm sure you thought we were muggles."

"Y-yes," Lily choked out, her lungs constricted by Mrs. Potter's embrace. Either James hadn't told his mother about the dissolution of his and Lily's relationship or else Mrs. Potter liked Lily more than the redhead had ever guessed. "It was a shock for both of us, I think, when I saw James on the Hogwarts Express."

"Well, he's told us you're doing spectacularly in school. I do hope he helped you settle in. I'm glad you're in Gryffindor, it must have been nice to have Jamesy there for you this past year."

"Erm," Lily mumbled, her face flushing. She stared down at her feet. Evidently James had chosen not to share the news of his and Lily's stiff acquaintanceship with his parents. "Yes," she muttered. "We see a lot of each other."

"Well, that's wonderful, dear," Mrs. Potter said warmly. "Now, are you ready to go? You don't have a bag or anything? Well, then, just grab onto my arm here, and make sure you hold on tight. It's going to feel very odd but no matter what don't let go. Understand?"

Lily tightened her grip on the woman's elbow and nodded, wondering briefly what apparition would feel like.

Suddenly the world around Lily disappeared and she felt as though she were being squeezed into a very narrow tube, with the walls squeezing every inch of her. Blackness engulfed her and her chest was being pressed so tightly she couldn't draw breath. The only solid thing left in the world was Mrs. Potter's elbow and Lily felt her grip slacken as her lungs burst for air.

Just as suddenly as it started, the sensation lifted and Lily felt her feet slam into solid ground. Wobbling slightly, she regained her balance with the help of Mrs. Potter's steadying hand and looked around at her new surroundings.

Her jaw dropped. They stood in the middle of an enormous front lawn which rolled out from a large, stone house. Lily's eyes flitted around as she took in every detail. It was magnificent. It looked like something straight from a Jane Austen book.

"It's beautiful," she said under her breath, still staring at the house.

"Oh, yes, it's been in the family for centuries," Mrs. Potter said lightly, taking Lily by the arm and leading the stunned girl towards the front door.

When they reached the door Mrs. Potter pulled out her wand and tapped the heavy wood. Slowly, the door opened of its own accord to reveal a large, bright foyer. Standing in the middle, looking very unsure of himself, stood James, who had obviously been awaiting their arrival.

"Oh, good," Mrs. Potter said happily, releasing Lily and pushing her gently further into the room before bustling over to the adjoining hallway. "I'm going to check on the garden, James I trust you'll keep everyone in order?"

"Yes, Mum," James said evenly, his eyes glued to the floor. Lily's face flushed and she felt as though she were intruding on something. She hadn't counted on being left alone with James mere seconds after arriving.

Mrs. Potter stood in the hallway, searching through a large trunk for something. James glanced up at his mother and then approached Lily, taking her by the elbow and leading her down a different hallway. As soon as they rounded the corner and were out of Mrs. Potter's line of sight he let go of her.

"You didn't tell her about everything that happened," Lily blurted out, half accusingly.

James flushed and kept his eyes in front of him. "She knows we're not—together," he mumbled.

"But you didn't tell her about everything else," Lily faltered.

He shrugged. "She likes you."

Lily didn't answer and they walked in uncomfortable silence until James entered a drawing room where Marlene and Sirius were draped over the sofa. Lily entered slowly and took in Sirius' appearance. At first glance he looked very much the same, black hair falling neatly over his eyes, his posture relaxed but confident. But the longer she looked, the more Lily found to suggest that her friend was not alright at all. The smile Sirius offered her when she walked in didn't reach his grey eyes, his foot twitched nervously every few seconds, when he thought no one was watching his face fell into a hard, brooding expression.

"Sirius?" Lily asked tentatively, putting a hand on his shoulder and sitting down next to the boy. "What happened?"

He sighed and turned to face her. Though he gave her a small smile, his grey eyes remained cold and stormy. "You know how I told you my family's a bunch of pureblood mania nutters?"

"Er, yes," Lily said quietly, rubbing her thumb in circles on her friend's shoulder blade. Beside her, Marlene and James were seated on the couch, watching Sirius with expressions of interest and wariness.

Sirius looked around at his friends and grunted before sinking back into the sofa. "I got home last month and they start all the same old shit—talking about how I'm a disgrace for hanging around blood-traitors and filth. Somehow they knew about you, Lily. I don't know how, probably my idiot brother repeating something Mulciber or Snape said."

Lily inhaled sharply but didn't say anything. She continued to watch Sirius steadily as he continued his story.

"Well, I got an earful for that one. Something about polluting fine lineage."

Lily paused and opened her mouth.

"No, don't apologize," Sirius said roughly, giving her a smile that came off as more of a grimace. "It's not your fault. You're worth ten of them, Lilybean. Anyways, for a bit it stopped. That should have been a warning but I was so happy they were just leaving me alone. I thought, maybe this is it. Maybe they're going to accept me." His face darkened. "And then a few days ago my dad came into my room and told me they wanted me to join up."

"You mean—" Marlene broke in, looking horrified.

"Yes," Sirius said grimly. "They want me to become one of those mask-wearing muggle baiters who run around torturing people for fun."

"Oh, Merlin," Lily said, her eyes wide as she stared at the boy. "What did you do?"

Sirius shrugged and swept his hair out of his eyes. "I told them to go to Hell. Grabbed my stuff and rode the Knight Bus over here."

"Oh, Sirius," Lily said, edging closer. "I'm so sorry. That's terrible."

"S'alright," he said nonchalantly.

Marlene moved closer too and put an arm around Sirius' neck. "We're here for you," the brunette said softly.

"Thanks, Marls," Sirius answered.

Lily looked past Marlene to James, who had remained quiet. He was watching the interaction with an odd look on his face. His eyes flickered up for a moment and latched onto Lily's. With a start, she dropped her gaze. And turned back to Sirius, who now had Marlene wrapped up in a bear hug.

"Is there anything we can do?" the redhead asked, scooching away from the pair.

"It's enough you came," Sirius said, flashing her an echo of his characteristic grin. "And anyways, I'm waiting until you and Marley clear out before I have my real tantrum. Prongs is the only one I would want for that."

"Er, right," Lily said while James snorted. "Are you sure? I could—hey," Lily stopped and snapped her head up so she was looking Sirius directly in the eye. She had a wonderful idea. "Sirius," she said, staring at her friend, who looked confused. "Would you like to be my date to my sister's wedding this weekend?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow and then let out a short bark of laughter. "Are you tired of Goldstein?" he asked.

"No!" Lily cried, swatting him on the arm. "He's in Spain and I was going to go alone, but I just thought that it would be much more fun to go with a friend and if you would like—"

"Lilybean, I would love to," Sirius said, cutting her off. Lily beamed at him.

"Oh, wonderful!" she exclaimed, still smiling as Sirius extricated himself from Marlene and gave her a swift hug.

Behind Sirius, James' eyes had dropped back to the floor, a faint flush creeping up his neck and ears. Lily glanced up and her eyes roved over James' face, his scarlet ears and his tight jaw.

"Can I get one of those muggle tuxedos?" Sirius asked enthusiastically, jarring Lily from her observations.

"Er, how about you let me help with your clothes," she suggested, moving away from Sirius and plopping herself down on the floor. "If you draw too much attention Petunia will be after my head."

The rest of the day passed and when Lily returned home she found herself looking forward to Petunia's wedding instead of dreading it. The day arrived quickly and Lily was standing once again on her porch, though this time wearing a pretty green dress instead of a t-shirt, waiting for Mrs. Potter to apparate with Sirius.

Lily ran her fingers through her curled hair, pulling the strands taut and watching them bounce back into loose ringlets. Around the house, her father and Petunia, as well as eight members of the wedding party, were running about frantically trying to ensure that every minute detail was perfect. For the first time since she had heard the news, Lily was exceedingly happy she hadn't been chosen as a bridesmaid. The thought of spending such a lovely August day cooped up in the house counting centerpieces made her shudder.

She almost didn't hear Mrs. Potter and Sirius arrive. That is until Sirius opened his mouth and shouted "Lilybean, look at my muggle suit, don't I look dashing?"

"Sirius, hush," Mrs. Potter admonished, stepping back and eyeing the boy critically. "Make sure you behave," she said sternly, narrowing her eyes as Sirius gave her his best innocent smile. Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes and straightened his tie. "If I hear from Lily that you pulled one of your jokes at her sister's wedding—"

"If he does then I'll take care of him," Lily said in a syrupy voice, the underlying threat thinly veiled.

Mrs. Potter smiled warmly, her brown eyes crinkling. "I'm sure you will, dear," she said. Moving closer to Lily, the woman stood on her toes and whispered into Lily's ear, "thank you so much for inviting him. He needed something like this. James has been so worried about him."

"It was nothing," Lily said, slightly embarrassed by the show of appreciation. "Really, I'm just happy he agreed to come."

"Well, it's done a world of good," Mrs. Potter said kindly, moving back to Sirius and straightening his collar. "And you look lovely, Lily. That shade of green suits you."

"Thank you," Lily replied, looking down happily at her dress. The color did go extremely well with her hair and eyes, much better than the pink nightmares Petunia had bought for her bridesmaids.

"Well, I'm off," Mrs. Potter said, giving Sirius a hug. "Have fun, you two. Stay safe. Behave!"

"We will!" Lily and Sirius called out together. Mrs. Potter smiled once more and then turned on the spot and disappeared.

"Right," Sirius said, turning to Lily. "What do we do now?"

"The wedding doesn't start for over an hour," Lily told him, moving towards the house and gesturing for Sirius to follow her. "I wanted you to come early because, well—"

"You were worried I would be abominably late," Sirius finished for her, not looking offended in the least.

"Er, yeah," Lily said, embarrassed at having been read so easily. "But they're still getting ready and taking things over to the church. So we can just stay here for a bit. Unless," she paused and chewed her lip, "d'you want to meet my dad?"

"Sure," Sirius said gaily, slipping his hand on Lily's elbow. "Lead the way, Evans."

Lily walked them through the house up to her father's room, where he sat on the bed flipping through an old photo album. In the next room over, Lily could hear the squawking of Petunia and her friends.

"Daddy?" Lily said tentatively, approaching her father slowly. "There's somebody I want you to meet."

"What?" Mr. Evans asked absently, barely raising his eyes from the pictures.

"I have someone you should meet," Lily said, ushering Sirius forward.

Once again, Lily's father hardly looked up. "I suppose this is Connor?" he asked with disinterest, flipping the page of the photo album.

"No, Daddy," Lily said patiently. "Connor's in Spain, I told you that. This is Sirius, he's my friend from school."

"Oh, yes," Mr. Evans said, nodding his head slightly. "Yes, I remember Severus."

Lily stifled a quick giggle and turned to see Sirius' look of horror. He opened and closed his mouth as he stared at Mr. Evans, apparently at a loss for words at such a horrendous mistake.

Mr. Evans looked up properly for the first time since they had entered the room and peered at Sirius curiously. "You've cleaned up well," the older man said evenly. From the next room there was a piercing shriek and Lily winced as her father sighed and stood up.

"I suppose I'd better make sure everything's okay," he said, sounding as though he had lived through a thousand wars. "This is a day I really wish I had your mum here."

"Me too, Daddy," Lily said quietly. Mr. Evans walked past them to the door, but doubled back before he had cleared the room. He looked hard at his daughter for a second before his face crumbled into an expression of tenderness. He reached out and took her face in his hands and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "You look beautiful, Lily," he said quietly, before hurriedly walking out of the room and into the pandemonium.

Lily turned and burst out laughing when she caught sight of Sirius, still aghast. "He thought I was Snivellus!" he cried indignantly.

Lily only giggled and moved to pick up the photo album her father had left out on the bed. Her breath hitched for a moment as she looked down at the black and white picture tucked in the sleeve. It was of her mother and father on the day of their wedding, both wearing radiant smiles. With a small sigh, Lily tugged the photograph out of the album and tucked it away.

For all the chaos that had ensued that morning, Petunia's wedding turned out beautifully. The bride wore her mother's dress, the large ball gown skirt hiding Petunia's bony frame and the beaded top shining exquisitely. Lily watched with more than a little jealousy as her older sister floated down the aisle, her face arranged in a small but glowing smile. Lily thought the image was ruined slightly when Petunia reached the altar and joined Vernon, who rather resembled a particularly ugly bulldog shoved in a suit.

The prayers were said and the vows repeated and Lily watched, with a mixture of pleasure and horror as Petunia gave Vernon a chaste peck on the mouth and was pronounced Mrs. Vernon Dursley.

"What did you think?" Lily asked Sirius while they sat at the reception later.

Sirius shrugged and grabbed two hors d'oeuvres from a passing waiter. "It was alright," he said between mouthfuls. "Though your sister's husband looks like a fat Hungarian horntail."

Lily laughed and dug into the food. She was supremely happy she had asked Sirius to accompany her. He was funny and friendly, but knew enough about her relationship with Petunia not to ask too many questions. Several family members, throughout the course of the evening, wandered over to get a glimpse of the handsome, roguish boy Lily had brought. Sirius thought it was great fun to meet Lily's muggle relatives and amused himself for half an hour by telling them about the time he had fought a dragon. Naturally, nobody believed him, but their reactions spurred Sirius on.

"No, I'm telling you!" He declared to Lily's Great Aunt Martha, who was practically on her toes with delight. "I was just walking through a little Swedish town with my brother, and we see a giant Norwegian Ridgeback coming towards us!"

"Sirius," Lily said warningly, raising her eyebrows. "Let's not get carried away."

"Don't you worry, Lilybean," he grinned, winking ostentatiously. "I know you'll keep me grounded."

Lily laughed and was about to find her father and make sure he hadn't squirreled himself away, when a claw-like hand grasped her upper arm.

"Hey!" Lily cried, whipping around.

"Shh!" Petunia hissed, pulling Lily away from the crowd and to a semi-private alcove near the kitchens.

"Tuney, what are you doing?" Lily asked, trying to wrench her arm from her sister's grip.

"I can't believe you brought one of your people here!" Petunia spat. Lily ceased her efforts to free her arm and stared at her sister's white face, which was screwed up in rage.

Anger roared up inside Lily and she narrowed her eyes. After everything Petunia had done, how she had treated Lily, she had the nerve to tear her away from the celebration for the sole purpose of starting another petty argument. "He's my friend," Lily said fiercely. "Since I wasn't in the wedding I needed a date."

"You could easily have found someone else!" Petunia cried, stepping back slightly but still not letting go of Lily's arm. Her eyes flashed and a dangerous red flush stained her face. "You could have gone with one of the neighborhood boys. Or what happened to that boy James who was around all last summer? He was _normal_!"

Lily bit back a shriek of laughter. Her face boiled and she clenched her hands into fists. It was all so ridiculous, all so bloody perfect and ridiculous. "He's like me, Tuney!" she shouted maniacally, ignoring her sister's glare and "shh!" "James is like me! He can do the same things I can do and he goes to my school! And guess what, we barely speak anymore. And maybe you would know that if you had bothered to open one of my letters!"

Petunia's face was now bright red and she glowered down at Lily, who held her ground firmly, despite her quaking bottom lip. "You're a freak," Petunia hissed angrily. "You brought a freak to my wedding—"

"I'm your sister!" Lily cried, close to tears. "I'm your bloody sister and all I did was go to school and bring a friend to your wedding and you treat me as though I've done something terrible!"

"Save it, Lily," Petunia said in a strained voice, a vain on her forehead pulsing. "Just stop."

"No!" Lily shrieked, finally freeing her arm from Petunia's grasp and stepping back, her face sizzling. "You can't treat me like this Petunia, it isn't fair!"

"Fair?" Petunia asked in a choked voice, her eyes immediately widening. "You want to talk to me about fair, Lily?" the bride took a step forward, her face hard. "I've spent the last year trying to pull _our_ father out of his grief. I've worked the same shitty office job for three years so that we can pay the bills. I've answered everyone's questions and taken care of everything and made all the arrangements for Mum's will and memorial. And you were supposed to be there so I wouldn't be alone! And you left—" Petunia paused and took a deep breath, the color rapidly draining from her face. She straightened and her eyes met Lily's as she squared her shoulders.

"Today was supposed to be my day," Petunia said quietly. The venom had left her voice and now there was only bitterness. "It was supposed to be the one day where I didn't have to do the thankless work and could have people celebrating _me_. But no, you had to bring that—that—boy. So I can spend my wedding day answering questions about precious Lily and her handsome, mysterious date."

Lily stared at her sister, her body numb. She wanted to say something; she had to say something. But no words came to mind.

"Even my own wedding day is all about you, Lily," Petunia said harshly. She stepped back again and sent Lily a sad frown before twirling around and sweeping back to the party.

Lily stood stock still in the alcove. Her mind was reeling as she thought back over Petunia's words. A thousand feelings, remorse, shame, anger, sadness, all coursed through her and made her feel as though she were two inches tall. With a heaviness in her chest, Lily trudged back to the reception. She spotted Sirius quickly at the center of a large crowd, talking animatedly about Merlin knew what. She walked up to him timidly, squeezing through people and touching his arm softly.

Sirius looked down at her with a wide grin. "Yes, Lilybean?" he asked genially.

"Can we go?" Lily asked softly, her eyes pleading.

Sirius searched her face for a moment and hurriedly dropped his grin. "Of course," he said, throwing an arm over her shoulder. "Nice to meet you all!" he called to the crowd of people he had been entertaining. They all called their goodbyes and thanks for the stories, but Sirius turned his back quickly and walked with Lily out of the reception hall.

Mrs. Potter wasn't due to collect Sirius until later in the evening so they wandered aimlessly around Lily's neighborhood. Eventually they found themselves sitting on the swings at the park where Lily and Petunia used to play as little girls.

"I take it things haven't gotten better with your sister?" Sirius asked quietly as he swung back and forth.

Lily shook her head sadly. "She hates me," she whispered.

Sirius put his feet on the ground to stop his movement and put an arm gingerly on her back. "It's not your fault, Lily," he said, sounding a bit unsure.

Lily shook his hand off and brushed the hair from her face. Her lower lip began to quiver as she stared at the ground. "It is my fault," she said, not daring to look up at Sirius lest she burst into tears. "I left her here by herself. I never realized—" she broke off, not sure what she wanted to say. She hadn't realized how miserable Petunia was? She hadn't realized how badly her dad was dealing with his grief? She hadn't realized how forgotten her sister felt?

"Lily, you know you couldn't have done anything else," Sirius said, replacing his hand on her back. "You had to go to Hogwarts, you belong there." He paused and gave a small snort of humorless laughter. "No matter what psychotic blood purists like my family think."

Lily gave a small smile. "I know," she whispered. "I just—I thought we could work it out."

Sirius nodded and moved his hand awkwardly up and down Lily's back, trying to comfort her. "That's what I thought with Reg," he said. "I thought he would eventually see sense. But you can't make someone understand something if they're not willing to listen. It looks like he's going to end up just like my parents."

Lily gave a sympathetic nod and they sat in silence for a minute, Sirius still clumsily trying to rub Lily's back.

"Sirius?" Lily said, breaking the silence and looking up for the first time. A few tears clung to her eyelashes, but her face was free of stains. "Why, of all places did you go to James' house when you ran away?"

Sirius paused for a minute and then smiled, his face looking far away. "He's my best friend," he said. "I knew he would understand. He's been great, invited me to move in about five minutes after I showed up at his door. He loaned me clothes, set up an entire backyard quidditch pitch to take my mind off everything. He's the one who wrote to Marley to come visit and asked her to write you—"

"What?" Lily's head snapped up and she stared at Sirius.

"He thought you would want to know," Sirius shrugged, though a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. "And he thought you would want to help."

Lily nodded and sat silently, contemplating everything that had happened, everything she knew about James. He could be very arrogant, and mean-spirited. That much was true. But, Lily thought as she settled back into her swing, he was also capable of being incredibly loyal and kindhearted. He had shown that much over the past week.

"He's a good friend," she murmured.

"He's my best mate," Sirius said. "That's the thing about Prongs, he'll do almost anything for the people he cares about."

Lily raised her eyebrows and turned towards Sirius. "Can I ask about the nicknames?"

Sirius chuckled and shook his head. "Marauder's secret," he said simply.

They lapsed into silence once more, each sitting thoughtfully. This time it was Sirius who broke it.

"James is a good bloke, Lily."

"I know," she said quietly, feeling the flush creep back into her cheeks.

"He misses you," Sirius continued, looking intently at her. "I wish you could hear how he talks about you, how smart you are, how you're the kindest person in the world, how your smile could even make Moaning Myrtle happy."

Lily's face burned and she continued to stare at the ground, pumping her legs so that she swung higher. "I miss him too," she said, not looking at Sirius. "I—I think I was a bit unfair to him."

"He's kind of a berk sometimes," Sirius said. He had stopped swinging and now half stood, half sat, and watched Lily climb higher and higher into the air. "So are you guys going to work it out?" he asked.

From above, Lily sighed. She stopped moving her legs and waited until she lost most of her momentum before answering. "I don't know," she said. "I'm afraid it might be too late. So much has happened—maybe too much. Maybe we just can't be friends at this point."

"You don't believe that," Sirius said knowingly. "I think you're just too scared, Lilybean."

"Maybe I am scared," Lily shot back defensively. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Sirius. "Wouldn't you be scared?"

"I'm not saying I wouldn't," Sirius said. "But you can't live in fear."

Lily chuckled and unfolded her arms, leaning back in her swing. "I think that's the most mature thing I've ever heard you say, Sirius Black."

"Looks like you and Remus are rubbing off on me," Sirius said solemnly. "Good thing I'm living with James. I have a whole three weeks of pranks and tomfoolery to ensure I'm at peak immaturity by the time we go back to school."

Lily laughed and swatted him on the shoulder. "Prat," she muttered good-naturedly.

They stayed in the park, having contests to see who could swing the highest, until it was nearly time for Mrs. Potter to collect Sirius.

"Thank you for coming tonight," Lily said as they walked back to the Evans house.

"My pleasure, Lilybean," Sirius responded.

They arrived at the house and Mrs. Potter appeared minutes later, thanking Lily once again before disapparating with Sirius. Lily stood alone in her front yard for a moment and was about to go inside when she heard a faint shuffling by the garden.

Debating whether to bolt for the front door, or to embrace the Gryffiindor mindset and rush headlong towards the danger, Lily didn't move. She had only just made up her mind that house values don't matter in the muggle world and she should bolt for the front door when the shuffling stopped and Severus appeared.

Lily gasped in surprise, though she quickly recovered and narrowed her eyes at her old best friend. She remembered too late her wand, stowed away in a drawer in her bedroom.

"What do you want?" she asked coolly, her voice firmer than she felt.

Severus' face was hard. "Why didn't you answer my letters?" he asked, ignoring her question.

"Because I have no reason to," Lily said, not taking her eyes off him. "Was I not clear enough in June? We. Are. Not. Friends."

Severus' eyes widened and his nostrils flared. He took a step forward. "Lily—"

"No!" she cried, backing up. "Any friendship we had ended the second you said that word!"

Severus stopped. His sallow face was deathly pale, his black eyes sparkled with rage. "I see," he said in a quiet, constricted voice, as though his anger was physically blocking his windpipe. "So you can pal around with Black, whose family all think that your kind is scum—"

"Don't you think so too?" Lily cut in, her green eyes flashing. "Last time I checked they're on your side."

"I'm not—"

"You are," Lily said shortly, feeling no pity when Severus' mouth turned to a pathetic plead. "And you know what? Sirius Black is ten times the man you will ever be."

Severus' face twisted into a humorless smile. He let out a derisive snort. "At least I don't run away from my problems," he said. "Aren't Gryffindors supposed to be brave? I don't see much bravery in running away from home."

Lily stopped, puzzled. "How do you—" she paused and everything clicked together. Fresh rage filled her as she glared at Severus, who seemed to realize he had given himself away. "You were spying on us!" Lily cried. "Of all the low—"

"A morality lecture from the girl who's pining after a big headed berk while she has a boyfriend?" Severus sneered, stepping towards her.

"I'm not pining," Lily spat, her voice shaking. "and James isn't a berk. He's one of the kindest, most loyal people I've ever met."

Severus' jaw clenched; Lily took a strange sort of satisfaction in knowing she had hit a nerve.

"It's a pity I can't say the same for you," she said loftily. She briefly saw Severus' face contort in anger but she didn't wait to hear his reaction. She ran back to the house without turning back. Once inside she slammed the door and bolted it before sinking down on the cold tile floor. Everything was a mess, but one thing had come out crystal clear over the course of the night. It was impossible for her to forget about James Potter.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR FEEDBACK, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! For everyone who has written a review, you rock and please keep sending them, I love reading them! For everyone who has followed and/or favorited this story you rock also. I know I promised James/Lily scenes, and chapter 13 is going to deliver on that! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	13. Coming Home to the Wolves

"Wait!" Lily Evans shrieked as she ran down platform 9 ¾, praying that she wasn't about to miss the train. She found a door and hurriedly leapt on, heaving her heavy trunk and her owl's cage with her.

"Running a bit late, were we?" an attendant asked with a toothy grin.

Lily scowled at him and tried to brush a lock of tangled hair from her face. "Just a bit," she snapped, turning away from the chuckling man to try and locate her friends.

She wandered the corridor, peering into various compartments in hopes of finding her friends or Connor, who she had been supposed to meet on the platform.

"Lily!" Marlene's voice called out. Lily looked up to see her friend standing outside a compartment halfway down the corridor, waving madly. "Lily, we're over here!"

With a sigh of relief the disheveled redhead made her way over to the compartment. Marlene helped her deposit her luggage on one of the shelves and waved her inside, where Sirius, Remus, Peter and Mary had already claimed their seats.

"We were all wondering where you were," Marlene said, sinking into the seat beside Sirius and leaning against his shoulder.

"I woke up late," Lily said simply, glaring at Sirius when he chuckled.

"Well, you're here now," Mary said, shooting a stern look in Sirius' direction. "Sit down, you look like you just ran all the way here."

"I nearly did," Lily grumbled, not moving from her stance in the doorway. "I have to go find Connor," she told her friends, trying hard to keep the note of resignation from her voice. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Connor, she really wanted to see him very much. But right now all Lily wanted to do was to sit down.

"I saw him down that way with Pilchak and their whole group," Mary said, pointing a finger in the direction from which Lily had come running just five minutes earlier. "He shouldn't be too hard to find."

"I hope not," Lily said. Her eyes drifted to Remus, who was leaning his head against the window, his face pale and drawn. With a rush of compassion, Lily realized that night was a full moon.

 _Poor Remus,_ she thought sadly.

She looked around the compartment again and furrowed her brow. "Where's everyone else?"

"Alice and Frank got their own compartment," Marlene said, making a face. "Something about alone time."

"And nobody is quite sure where Prongs is," Sirius chimed in, raising an eyebrow at Lily. "My guess is he was making sure nobody important missed the train."

"Right," Lily said vaguely, sincerely wishing at the moment she had never met Sirius Black and had never taken him to her sister's wedding nor confided in him about her wish to make up with James. "Well," the redhead said firmly, straightening up and combing her fingers through her hair. "I'm going to find Connor, I'll be back in a bit."

"Toodledoo," Sirius chirped, grinning as Lily rolled her eyes and shut the compartment door.

Lily retraced her steps down the corridor, peering about the compartments in search of Connor. She had made it about halfway down when the one person she had thought about more than any other that summer appeared before her.

James' face went pink and his hazel eyes quickly dropped to the ground when he saw her. He moved to the side so as to allow her to pass him.

Lily looked at him uncomfortably. Since her conversation with Sirius in the playground, when she had confessed that she wanted to be friends with James again, she had been quietly waiting and hoping for the moment she would see him and could apologize and ask him to be friends.

She had planned it out over and over, how she would apologize for having been so unfair, offer to forgive and forget his transgressions if he did the same for her. Anything, really, so long as he would talk to her again. She didn't want anything more than friendship, or so she told herself. All she wanted was to be able to talk and laugh with James with some semblance of the ease with which she had talked and laughed with him before.

That moment had come and she found herself momentarily mute, her tongue stumbling over itself as it fought to form words.

 _Do something,_ her mind hissed as James waited patiently for Lily to walk past him. His eyes were glued to the floor.

"Hello, Potter," Lily stammered, inwardly cursing herself.

 _Stupid, stupid, why the hell did you say that?_

His eyes rose to her face, which was now boiling with embarrassment, and he gave her a small, unsure smile.

"Hi, Evans," he said, before dropping his gaze back to his shoes.

Face burning, Lily walked past him hurriedly. Maybe friendship was too much to hope for, if they couldn't even pass each other on the train without it being horribly uncomfortable.

"Er, Evans?" he called after her.

Lily stopped and turned around slowly, unreasonable hope rising in her chest.

James' eyes were trained on her face and he pulled a nervous hand through his hair. "I—I meant to say this when you were at my house…this summer," he said, ruffling his hair as he went so that it stuck out every which way. "But, er, I wanted to apologize for what happened that day after charms with Snape, when he called you—that name—and I said…well, you know—"

"I remember," Lily said quietly, her face now feeling as though it were on fire.

"Er, yeah, well," James stammered, looking uneasily at her. "I wanted to apologize for—embarrassing you. And for being the reason Snape called you—"

"It's okay," Lily found herself saying, curling her mouth up into an infinitesimal smile.

James' eyebrows rose and he looked at her in surprise. "Really?" he asked, looking as though he half expected her to say something else.

"Yes," Lily answered, taking a deep breath to conquer the quiver which had crept into her voice. "I—I wasn't exactly fair to you either."

"Right," James said, his hand returning to his hair. "Well, er, so we're alright then."

"I suppose so," Lily murmured, her own hand moving to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "Well, I have to go find Connor," she said hurriedly, backing away. "I guess I'll see you in the compartment."

"Right," James mumbled, "the compartment." He turned away slowly and began walking back the way Lily had come, his hand still tousling his hair.

James walked down the corridor unsteadily, his fingers running a familiar path through his hair. She had talked to him; she had gone out of her way to acknowledge him. He couldn't get his hopes up now, after all that had been what made last year such a disaster.

He entered the compartment in a daze, trying to sort out what had just happened and, much to his frustration, failing miserably. Beside him, Marlene and Sirius grinned at him.

"What?" he snapped, trying to rearrange his face into an expression of indifference.

"Nothing," Sirius said easily, twirling a piece of Marlene's dark hair. "You just look like you've been hit on the head with a bludger."

"Well that's what it feels like," James muttered, jutting out his lip into a pout.

Marlene snorted and leaned over to pat him on the shoulder. "It's almost endearing watching you right now, Jamesy."

He glared at her, but his angry expression quickly devolved into a smile. "I think she's finally coming around," he said to his friends, who both shook their heads and laughed.

"Mate, she's been around," Sirius said. "She's just terrified that you won't want anything to do with her now."

"Why would she think that?" James asked, furrowing his brow.

"You did ignore her for about half of last year," Marlene pointed out.

"I had to!" James cried defensively, throwing his hands up. "I couldn't be around her—when she—it was just—"

"James, nobody blames you," Marlene said gently. "But you understand why she might be a bit nervous around you now."

"I suppose," James grumbled, sinking back in his seat. "Say, Pete," he said, turning towards the mousy haired boy. "D'ya think McGonagall will let you into her N.E.W.T. class with an A?"

Lily walked down the corridor, her mind replaying the events that had just transpired between herself and James. They had been awkward and stilted from both sides, yes, but it was an improvement nonetheless. She smiled slowly to herself as she thought of it. Maybe they could be friends, after all. Or at least, something more than stiff acquaintances.

As she walked, she noticed Emmeline Vance in an open compartment, talking closely with Hestia Jones, a Hufflepuff in their year. Sarah Carroll didn't appear to be anywhere, which was odd as she and Emmeline were usually inseparable. Lily made a mental note to ask Marlene about it later and kept going.

She found Connor in a compartment with his friends from Ravenclaw, discussing the Quidditch World Cup, which had been in France over the holidays.

"Hi there, Lilyflower," Connor said as he rose and kissed her on the head. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."

"Probably because you haven't," Lily answered, looping her arm around her boyfriend's waist and leading him back towards her friends' compartment.

They entered the compartment and slid into their seats. Connor put his arm around Lily and she leaned into his side, looking around at her friends.

Remus had fallen asleep, his body curled into a ball and his face screwed up in a look of worry. Across the compartment, Marlene and Sirius were huddled together, engaged in a hushed conversation. James and Peter were talking with Mary about which N.E.W.T.s they planned on taking. Lily watched James for a moment; he wasn't looking at her, but it wasn't the forced aversion she had been subjected to last year. He seemed relaxed; he seemed almost happy, talking to their mutual friends while Lily and Connor sat together.

Connor poked her gently in the side and Lily tore her eyes away from James, hoping she hadn't been too obvious about her staring. She turned to face her boyfriend and he bent to give her a kiss on the cheek before whispering, "Did I tell you about how I almost saw a real chimera in Spain?"

The trip went by uneventfully. Lily spent the majority of her time talking with Connor about their respective holidays (the chimera, it appeared, had turned out to be just a charmed dog). He had brought her a gift from Spain, turning beet red as he handed her the tiny, daintily wrapped box. Lily opened it carefully and gasped when she saw what it was: a golden bangle studded with rubies.

"Oh my," Mary gasped, leaning in to get a closer look. Behind her, James and Peter craned their necks to see. James' eyes narrowed slightly, but he sat back a moment later and opened a chocolate frog.

Lily wasn't paying attention to James in the slightest, she grinned broadly and threw her arms around Connor's neck before sliding the bracelet onto her wrist, which was already adorned with the silver and green bracelet she had received at Christmas. The two clashed abominably, which Connor pointed out, but Lily simply smiled and said she didn't mind.

As she sat contentedly, leaning against Connor and twisting the two bracelets on her arm, Lily reflected on how different this trip to Hogwarts was than last year's. She smiled at the thought. Things were much different, and it was strange to think that at this time last year Sev had been her best friend in the world, but Lily couldn't find it in herself to be sorry for the way things had turned out.

Eventually the scarlet steam engine pulled into Hogsmeade station. The students crowded the corridors, preparing to disembark. Connor gave Lily a rueful smile and kissed her on the cheek, whispering, "I told Miles I'd meet back up with them when we got here."

Lily nodded. "I'll see you soon," she said. She watched him walk through the corridor, disappearing into the crowd. Her eyes fell to the golden bracelet, glimmering from the overhead lights. She felt odd, not happily necessarily, but not sad either. Lily shook her head.

 _You're being silly,_ she told herself firmly. She turned resolutely back to her friends and gave no more thought to the weight she felt in her stomach.

Lily exited the train with Marlene and Sirius. The three hurried towards the carriage, leaving the other three marauders and Mary, who were dawdling, behind. Sirius was between the two girls, an arm slung around Marlene's shoulder. Lily walked slightly in front of her friends, pushing her way through the crowd of people so they would be able to have a carriage to themselves.

She had just spotted an empty carriage and quickened her pace when Mulciber blocked her path, flanked by Avery and Severus, who refused to meet her eye.

"Hello, Red," Mulciber leered, his grey teeth bared. "Did you miss me over the holidays?"

Lily scowled and reached into her pocket for her wand. She opened her mouth to retort, glaring first at Mulciber and then at Severus, who gazed steadfastly at the dirt beneath his feet.

"What's going on here?" Sirius asked loudly, appearing at Lily's side and draping his arm over her shoulders.

"It's nothing that concerns you, Black," Snape snapped, finally looking up, his black eyes sparkling in hatred as he stared at Sirius.

Mulciber only raised his eyebrows in surprise and turned to Snape, whose mouth had curled into a sneer.

"We don't associate with cowards," Snape spat, his hand diving into his pocket for his wand. Now it was Sirius' turn to raise his eyebrows as he appraised the slytherins in front of him. Snape glowered, his eyes narrowed. Mulciber simply looked amused, glancing every so often at Lily in order to flash her a twisted smile. Avery watched his two cronies, waiting for a command.

Lily said nothing but wrapped her hand around her wand, preparing to draw it at a moment's notice.

"Who are you calling a coward?" Sirius said evenly. Lily's jaw tightened. Though she was sure it had gone over the slytherins' heads, she could make out the challenging note in Sirius' question.

"That's just what I call anyone who runs away from their problems instead of facing them," Snape sneered. "Isn't being a Gryffindor all about being courageous? But I wouldn't call it courageous to run away from home—"

Sirius growled and moved forward. They were attracting several stares by now. Marlene's breathing had become heavy and out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see she had drawn her wand. Lily hissed Sirius' name and grabbed a fistful of his robes, trying unsuccessfully to tug him towards the carriages.

"At least I don't have to hide behind that curtain of slime!" Sirius said angrily, gesturing towards Snape's hair.

Snape ignored the comment, though his eyes flashed maliciously. "How does it feel to know your family's better off without you?" he asked, taking a step towards the Gryffindors. "Regulus tells me that Mummy and Daddy are glad to be rid of such a nasty blood traitor—"

"Severus!" Lily cried, eyes widening and her grip on Sirius slackening from her shock.

Sirius took his opportunity and lunged towards Severus, his face twisted in rage.

"Impedimenta!"

Sirius slowed and Lily's head jerked to the side to see Marlene hastily shoving her wand back into her sleeve, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

"Marls," Lily started, but Marlene shook her head roughly and motioned towards Sirius.

Without a word, the two girls grabbed hold of their friend and held him fast between them, Sirius unable to move but glowering at them. Lily looked up and glared at Snape, who was standing between Mulciber and Avery, watching the scene with a mixture of amusement and anger.

"I suggest you go," Lily said acerbically, finally drawing her own wand and pointing it threateningly at her old friend.

"Don't worry, Red, we didn't intend to keep you this long," Mulciber said breezily, moving away and pushing Avery slightly in front of him.

Snape's face was still white and Lily could hear him muttering a string of curses as he swept past her without a word.

"Let's go," Marlene said firmly, watching the retreating slytherins with distaste. Her spell had worn off and Sirius regained his mobility and the three of them trudged towards the carriage, though the girls refused to release their hold on Sirius.

Once they were safely seated and moving towards the castle, Lily finally let go of Sirius' robes and sat back, watching as he slumped in his seat, his face dark.

"How does that git know anything?" he fumed, mumbling half to himself, glowering at his toes.

Marlene sighed sympathetically and wrapped an arm around him. Sirius didn't acknowledge the gesture, but didn't shrug it off either.

Lily squirmed uncomfortably, debating whether or not to tell Sirius about what had transpired after he had left the night of Petunia's wedding.

Deciding that he deserved to know everything, she took a deep breath. "I actually saw him right after you left, er, after Petunia's wedding," she said quietly.

Sirius sat up and stared at her. "What?" he asked incredulously.

Lily sighed. "Sev—Snape heard us talking at the playground. He, er, came and confronted me right after you and Mrs. Potter disapparated."

Sirius stared blankly for a moment and then exploded, spittle flying from his mouth in all directions and his face quickly turning magenta. "That sodding git!" he shouted, nearly toppling Marlene as he threw his arms out in anger. "I should've cursed him! I should've wiped his sorry arse on the ground! I should've—"

"Sirius," Marlene broke in soothingly, regaining her balance and running a soothing hand up and down his arm, trying to calm him. "You can't let him get to you like this. It's what he wants."

Sirius glared furiously, but closed his mouth at this and gave Marlene an odd look before slumping back, his face dropping into the same brooding expression he had worn when Lily had first seen him at the Potters' in July. He stayed that way for the remainder of the ride, ignoring Lily and Marlene's attempts to draw him into conversation.

It was a relief when they reached the castle and walked with the rest of the students to the entrance hall. Once they had passed through the heavy oak doors, Sirius turned to Lily and Marlene, who were scanning the crowd for their friends.

"I have to do something," he said enigmatically, looking over his shoulder at the mass of students congregated. "I'll be right back."

They nodded, not wanting to start a fight with angry Sirius. He walked away and disappeared into the sea of students.

"What's he doing?" Remus asked, appearing next to Lily and looking as though he were about to pass out at any moment.

"No idea," Lily shrugged, tearing her eyes from the spot where Sirius had disappeared to look at Remus. "Are you alright?" she asked fretfully, taking in his sallow complexion and the purple bags under his eyes. "Tonight's a—" she glanced around nervously, hoping nobody was listening, "a busy night for you."

"I'll be fine," Remus said warily, adjusting his robes, which hung loosely on his thin frame. "I'm just not going to be at the feast."

"Good idea," Lily said, nodding absently.

Remus gave her a smile and moved to say a few words to James and Peter before turning and walking off down a corridor, presumably to the hospital wing.

The crowd moved forward and began to filter into the Great Hall. Sirius rejoined them, the brooding look gone and replaced by a twinkling grin.

"Shall we go in, then?" he asked cheerfully, gesturing Marlene and Lily forward.

Lily watched him curiously, making a note to ask him later what he had been up to, but promptly forgot as they sat down along the Gryffindor table. When the sorting had finished and Dumbledore had given his speech, the feast appeared and Lily rejoiced over the sheer number of dishes in front of her.

"We'd best eat well tonight, boys," James said, eyeing Sirius and Peter. "We've got a busy night."

"What can you possibly have to do?" Mary asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's the first night. Nobody does anything except sit in the dormitory."

"Not the Marauders," Peter chirped, tearing off a bit of roast beef with his teeth.

Lily watched and shook her head, allowing herself to relax as Sirius chuckled and grinned, apparently having forgotten about his encounter with Snape. She turned her head surreptitiously and searched the slytherin table, finally finding what she was looking for. Regulus Black, fourteen years old and just as handsome as his brother, though not as intimidating, sat between Rosier and Snape. Though he and Sirius resembled each other, Regulus' face was painted with a coat of arrogance and elitism, which was absent from his brother's.

"Lily?" Marlene nudged her and raised her eyebrows. "I've asked you three times to see that bracelet Connor brought you from Spain."

Lily blushed and didn't turn back to look at the slytherins again as she once again showed her friends the trinket Connor had given her. Although most had already seen it, some, like Alice and Frank, hadn't been in the compartment when Lily had opened it and others, like Marlene hadn't gotten a chance to look closely. They oohed and aahed, taking turns passing it around and examining the shining rubies carefully. When the bracelet had made its way around, Lily redid the clasp and they launched into a conversation about various trips they had taken to the continent.

By the time Dumbledore gave the word and the hall was filled with students moving towards the dormitories, Lily couldn't believe she had been away from Hogwarts and her friends for two full months. It felt as though they had never left.

Alice headed the queue of Gryffindors, shepherding first years towards the common room. Lily and Marlene fell into step, keeping a safe distance from the younger students.

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed, turning towards Marlene with excitement. "I saw something odd on the train today when I was going to get Connor. Emmeline Vance was in a compartment with Hestia Jones. And Sarah Carroll wasn't there."

"Oh yes," Marlene said, twirling a piece of hair between her fingers and twisting her mouth into a small smile. "Apparently Em and Sarah had a bit of a falling out this summer. They're cordial now, from what Mary's told me, but Em spent most of the summer with Hestia."

"So we're all going to have a jolly time being roommates this year," Lily mused, willing herself not to laugh at Sarah Carroll's misfortune. Really, it wasn't funny that someone had lost their best friend. She herself had been miserable after her falling out with Sev. But this was Sarah Carroll…

"Everyone will figure it out," Marlene said, smiling. "And if they don't, we can bunk in the boys' room."

"Marls, that's not allowed!" Lily cried as Marlene laughed.

"Oh, Lily," the brunette said, draping an arm over her shoulder. "It's frowned upon, yes, but nowhere in the rules does it say it's not allowed. Trust me, I've looked."

"You—"

"I figured, knowing our roommates as we do, we ought to have a plan in case things get a bit too dramatic."

"Right," Lily said uncertainly as they clambered through the portrait hole. She sincerely hoped Marlene was joking.

They climbed the stairs to their dormitory and found Alice, Mary and Sarah Carroll already inside. Sarah ignored the newcomers and got into bed, drawing the hangings around her. Marlene rolled her eyes and flopped down onto her mattress.

Lily changed into her pajamas and pulled back the covers of her own bed but stopped before getting in. From the window, she could see the moon peeking out from behind a cloud. Slowly, she moved towards the window, sitting down on the chair beside it. By craning her neck slightly she was afforded a view of the Whomping Willow, thrashing wildly in the darkness.

Lily sighed. Somewhere, Remus was transforming into a werewolf, shut up inside an old house for the night while he lost control of humanity. She trained her eyes on the giant tree, trying to make out where the entrance to the passageway Remus had mentioned might be.

A flicker of movement caught her eye. Lily shifted her gaze to the grounds directly below the window.

Her heart stopped for a moment.

Gliding across the grass, heading determinedly towards the very tree she had been observing, was Severus. Even had she not been painfully familiar with his gait, the large bat-like cloak he wore could not be mistaken.

"Lils, are you okay?" Alice asked from across the room. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Y-yes," Lily answered mechanically, not taking her eyes off of Severus, who drew closer and closer to the Whomping Willow. Did he know…?

"I have to go somewhere," Lily announced, jumping up and snatching her dressing gown from her trunk. Her friends stared at her.

"You have to go somewhere?" Mary repeated, looking at Lily as though she had two heads.

"Yes," Lily answered, her eyes trained her feet as she shoved shoes on. "I—I have to speak with Dumbledore." Ignoring her friends' questioning protests, she grabbed her wand and hurried from the room. She had to find someone, had to stop Severus, whatever he thought he was doing.

Lily ran down the spiral stairs and across the common room, tumbling out of the portrait hole and flying down the dimly lit corridor. She was vaguely aware of the fact she did not know exactly where she was going, and that she would most likely be caught by a teacher and receive detention for wandering the castle, but she didn't care. Severus was in danger. No matter what his faults were, she couldn't knowingly sit by and allow him to come face-to-face with a full-fledged werewolf. And Remus! Lily shuddered to think what Remus' reaction would be if he were to harm another student.

She rounded a corner and shrank back when she saw a light coming from the end of the corridor. She stood still for a moment, before reasoning that even if it was a teacher, they would be able to help her before giving her detention.

She trotted hastily towards the figure and gave a small gasp of surprise when she realized who it was.

"James!" she cried desperately, running towards the boy, who held in one hand his wand and in the other a familiar piece of old parchment, which he held very close to his face.

He looked up at the sound of her voice, his expression confused and then concerned when he saw her face. "Lily?" he asked, lowering the parchment and leaning towards her. "What's wrong?"

"Severus," she gasped, putting a hand on the stone wall to steady herself. "Severus is going to the Whomping Willow, I saw him—"

The color drained from James' face and he hastily unfolded a section of the map, holding his lit wand above it.

"Bloody fucking hell," he swore under his breath, folding the map quickly and stowing it in his pocket. He seized Lily by the wrist. "Go get Dumbledore," he commanded, his hazel eyes wide. "I don't know who—bloody hell—just go get Dumbledore. You know where his office is?"

Lily nodded, watching in awe as James ran his free hand through his hair and looked at her fiercely. "The password's sugar quill, bring him down to the main doors. I'll meet you there with Snape."

"Where are you going?" Lily croaked, horror washing over her as James spoke. "You can't—"

"Don't worry about it," James said sharply, releasing her wrist. Noticing Lily's face, and the fear etched into it, he softened slightly and added, "I'll be fine, really. Just—go get Dumbledore." And he turned around and sprinted down the corridor.

Lily watched him go for a moment before regaining control over herself. She resumed her trot and hurried to Dumbledore's office, approaching the gargoyle outside tentatively. The statue moved and Lily ascended the staircase, finding herself outside a heavy door. She knocked nervously.

"Enter," Dumbledore's calm voice called. Lily pushed the door open and found herself standing in the most unusual office she had ever seen. It was quite large, and the walls were covered with portraits of older wizards and witches, who all peered at her curiously.

"Is that quite a natural hair color?" a witch wearing a ratty black hat whispered loudly to her neighbor.

Lily glared and turned resolutely towards the headmaster, who was seated behind his desk.

"Miss Evans," he said, nodding towards her as though they were meeting for lunch. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

James sprinted through the castle, not even bothering to check the map. He didn't care if anyone caught him. The image of Lily's face, awash with fear, burned into his mind as he ran.

 _Snape knows,_ his mind chanted numbly as he ran. _Snape knows._

But how could he know?

James didn't pause to think about it as he burst through the heavy oak doors and onto the Hogwarts grounds. All that mattered was that he find Snape and get him away from Remus before anything terrible happened.

The night was warm and cloudy, with rays of moonlight falling softly onto the grass. About a hundred meters away, James saw the Whomping Willow freeze, and a bat-like figure disappear between the branches.

With renewed anxiety, James continued running, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one was nearby.

In an instant a large stag was running the James' place, its eyes rimmed by dark grey hair which looked curiously like spectacles. The stag stormed across the grounds, panting heavily as it went. It reached the tree, now thrashing around again, in a manner of minutes, sitting back and throwing a frustrated look at the knot towards the base of the trunk. A knot that could be easily reached by a rat, but not by a stag.

The stag was replaced by a gasping sixteen-year-old boy, hastily straightening his glasses and clutching his side before turning his attention back to the knot at the base of the large tree, whose branches were flying around him, attempting to crush anything they came across.

James' eyes swept across the ground and flitted back to the moon which hung high in the sky. Remus would be nearly fully transformed by now.

The realization snapped him back into focus, and he continued to survey his surroundings, looking for something, anything, he could use to hit the knot and freeze the tree.

His eyes fell on a large stick lying to the side, undoubtedly used by Snape minutes earlier. He picked up the stick and began positioning himself close enough to hit the knot. Hearing heavy footfalls behind him, James whipped around, praying it wasn't Lily running after him. Snape being in close proximity to Remus was bad enough, the thought of Lily knowingly putting herself in a werewolf's path was unbearable.

It was not Lily, though, nor was it a human at all. It was a large, shaggy black dog, bounding towards James with its tongue hanging out happily.

The dog shifted into the form of James' best friend and Sirius ran towards him, a self-satisfied grin on his face.

"Prongs!" he cried, thumping James on the back. "Pete's coming, the idiot forgot his wand in the dormitory."

"You have to help," James said quickly, ignoring Sirius' comment. "Snape knows about the passage somehow, he's in there. Lily came and told me."

"I know he does," Sirius said, the grin on his face spreading. "I told him about it. Good, eh?"

"You—" James said dumbly, his face going slack as he stared at his friend. "You…told… _Snape_ about Remus?"

"I didn't tell him about Remus," Sirius said, smirking proudly. "I just told him that if he found a way to hit the knot at the bottom of the Whomping Willow and followed the passage, he'd find something rather interesting."

"Sirius," James said slowly, his voice shaking. His hands balled into fists at his side as he fought to keep his face neutral. "Please tell me you aren't telling me that you purposefully sent Snape in there knowing full well he's going to find a werewolf."

"It'll teach him to call me a coward," Sirius said.

"You—you told him!" James cried, his voice rising. "You sent Snape in there knowing that Moony has no control over anything right now!"

"I—" Sirius started, his eyes going wide. James' reaction seemed to be a shock to him. "It was a joke, Prongs, just a prank—"

"No this is not a bloody prank!" James shouted maniacally, turning back to the base of the tree. With a well-timed thrust, he hit the knot and the branches froze.

"You stay out here!" James shouted to his friend, rushing into the passage. "We're not done!"

Sirius' reply was drowned out as James entered the passage, running and praying he wasn't too late.

The pain in his side seared and his breath became ragged when he came upon Snape mere feet away from the Shrieking Shack entrance.

"Snape!" he hissed, hoping against hope that the git would have the sense to not make a scene.

No such luck.

"Potter!" Snape shouted, stopping and drawing his wand. "Whatever you're doing—"

"I'm trying to get you out of here alive!" James snapped, eyeing Snape's wand warily. "Keep your bloody voice down, he might—"

"He?" Snape perked up, smiling maliciously as though he had caught James in the middle of a scheme. "So it's a person in there?"

"You know very fucking well what's in there," James said coldly, refusing to give Snape the satisfaction of seeing him upset.

"So it is—"

James let out a frustrated snarl and grabbed a fistful of Snape's robes, pulling the boy behind him as he turned and ran back through the passage.

"Let go of me!" Snape shrieked, attempting to wrestle himself from James' grip. James refused to let go and continued to pull Snape behind him.

The run back seemed shorter, now that James had a living, relatively uninjured Snape with him. The anxiety dissipated and was replaced with a boiling anger, directed at Sirius.

He had done this.

The anger towards his friend's stupidity, his maliciousness, drove James as he ran back to the entrance. When they finally reached the base of the tree again, he slammed his fist against the knot. The tree froze and his fingers pounded, blood seeping through broken skin on his index finger.

James pulled Snape through the entrance and across the ground until they were a safe distance from the tree. He threw the slytherin on the ground, not even deigning to look at him as he turned towards his best friend, who stood meekly to the side.

"Prongs," Sirius said, his face turned down in shame. "I—I didn't think—"

"Damn right you didn't think," James spat, his hands shaking. "You could have killed him, Padfoot! What do you think that would've done to Moony?"

Sirius looked up at this, his eyes wide and shining. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Sorry doesn't fix it, Sirius!" James screamed, his entire body quaking with fury. Sirius' pathetic frown, his shame, only served to make James angrier. "You almost fucking killed someone and you didn't think!"

"I—"

 _Thwack._ James' fist, still bloody from hitting the tree trunk, swung through the air and connected with Sirius' jaw, sending the boy stumbling backwards.

James towered over his friend, breathing heavily. "There is no excuse for this, Sirius," he said quietly. He turned angrily and tugged Snape to his feet, marching them to the doors. "Lily will be here with Dumbledore soon," James said. Nobody answered. They sat in silence and waited.

Standing in front of the headmaster, Lily's face flushed and she stammered, "Severus—Severus is going towards the Whomping Willow and Remus—"

Dumbledore stood up in an instant, his blue eyes staring down at her curiously. "I take it you know about Mr. Lupin's condition?" he asked, his voice still calm as it had been before, but now laced with something else.

"Y—yes," Lily said, shrinking back slightly. "I—I found out. He didn't want to tell me, it's not his fault! I—I wrote a letter to his mum and then cornered him and he really—"

"Miss Evans," Dumbledore held up a hand to stop her, smiling kindly. "I understand the many ways in which it is possible to find out a secret about a friend. If Mr. Lupin trusts you, that's all that matters. But you were saying, about Mr. Snape?"

"Right," Lily continued, feeling flustered and unable to form coherent sentences. "He—he was going towards the Whomping Willow! I don't know how he would know, but he's guessed before and tonight's a full moon, you know, and James said something about getting him—"

"Mr. Potter is involved as well?" Dumbledore asked, his eyebrows raising.

"Yes!" Lily cried, frantic now to get out of the office and find the boys. "Yes, James told me to come get you while he gets Severus and Severus was walking across the grounds towards the Whomping Willow and Remus is probably transformed by now!"

Dumbledore walked around his desk and came to stand beside Lily. "Let's go, then, Miss Evans," he said gravely, gesturing towards the door.

Still jittery and unable to think straight, Lily opened the office doors and led herself and the headmaster down the stairs and to the main castle doors. When they arrived, they were greeted by three boys, who were all slumped against the wall.

James' glasses were crooked and his hair stuck up everywhere as he panted. He looked unharmed, though Lily noticed blood on the knuckles of his right hand.

Severus too looked unharmed, though his face was white. He stood straight, with one hand in his robes pocket, glaring at his two companions.

Finally, the only one Lily had not been expecting to see, Sirius sat down on the stone floor, his face in his hands.

"Gentlemen," Dumbledore spoke softly but all three boys looked up. Snape opened his mouth angrily to speak but Dumbledore held up a hand to silence him. "I would like you all to follow me," the old man said calmly, his face betraying neither anger nor pity. "We will sort this all out in my office."

The three boys straightened and followed the headmaster through the corridor. Lily, being unsure what to do, followed.

Nobody spoke. James cast a few looks in Sirius' direction, but otherwise kept to himself.

Lily hurried to walk beside Sirius. When she was in step with him, she glanced over and saw a large, purple bruise blossoming on his jaw. "Sirius, what happened?" she whispered as they walked. He glanced at her briefly but just shook his head, the corners of his mouth tugging downward.

When they reached Dumbledore's office, the headmaster stopped them before opening the doors. "I would like to speak to the three boys," he said quietly, looking at each of them in turn. "And after that I will keep whomever it is I need to see privately. Miss Evans," he looked pointedly at Lily, "I would prefer you stay here until one of these gentlemen is available to escort you back to Gryffindor Tower."

"Yes, sir," Lily nodded, leaning against the wall with a sigh.

Dumbledore gave her a small smile before opening the heavy door and retreating into his office, waving the three boys inside.

Lily stood outside for what felt like an hour, though it was only about ten minutes. Her head snapped up when she heard the creak of the opening door. Expecting to see Sirius, she faltered a bit when it was James who approached her.

"You ready to go back?" he asked, his face impassive.

Lily nodded silently and they fell into step. "What happened?" she asked quietly, not looking up at James.

He sighed heavily and put a hand lightly on her shoulder to stop her. He guided her to the edge of the corridor, where he put a hand on the wall to steady himself and looked down at her. His hazel eyes sparkled and his jaw twitched slightly as he took a breath.

"Sirius told Snape where to go to find Remus," he said tonelessly.

Lily's eyes widened and she gasped, clasping a hand over her mouth. "He wouldn't," she said, staring at James.

The grimace on his face and the sadness in the lines around his eyes told her it was true.

"But—" Lily faltered, thinking over the events of the day. "Before the feast," she murmured, her heart sinking as she remembered Sirius' earlier shift in mood. "He told him then."

"I think it was his idea of revenge," James said, running a hand through his hair.

"I can't believe it," Lily whispered, leaning back against the wall and sliding down. Her bottom hit the floor and she stayed seated. James followed a minute later.

"This is going to destroy Remus," he said hollowly, continuing to drag his hand through his messy hair.

Lily reached out and gently brought his hand down. "Stop," she said.

James looked at her, cocking an eyebrow.

Lily flushed and released his hand quickly, shoving her own back in her lap and cursing herself inwardly. "It drives me mad when you do that," she explained, wanting to sink into the floor as he continued to stare at her.

Finally, James looked away and leaned heavily against the wall.

Lily glanced down and saw again the blood on James' knuckles. "You hit him," she said, not even bothering to phrase it as a question.

James snorted and brought his hand up to inspect it. "Yeah," he said bitterly. "I hit him."

"Here," Lily took his hand and fished her wand out of her pocket. "Scourgify," she said, siphoning off the blood. Prodding gently with her thumb, she felt for any breaks in the bones. "Your middle finger's broken," she told James, running her fingers along the groove in his finger. "I can fix it if you'd like."

"Go ahead," he said. "I guess it'll save me a trip to the hospital wing."

Lily took her wand and tapped the injured finger, saying firmly "episkey." There was a crack and James grunted in pain, but a moment later he was flexing his hand and smiling at her.

"Thanks," he said. "I'm rubbish at healing charms."

"I know," Lily replied, chuckling softly. "I remember the day in class you accidentally turned Peter's nose pink."

"I forgot about that," James mused, standing up and extending a hand to help Lily. She took it and allowed him to pull her to her feet.

They started walking again, moving at a slow pace as they both absorbed what had happened.

"That was really brave, what you did," Lily said slowly, looking up at James, who was staring fixedly at the wall, his hands shoved in his pockets. "Going after Snape, putting yourself in harm's way—"

"It was for Remus," James said gruffly, shaking his head. "It would've killed him if he'd hurt someone. Even Snape."

"Well, either way, it was very noble of you," Lily said.

James nodded slowly. "Lily?" he asked tentatively.

She stopped walking, watching him with a raised eyebrow. He had called her Lily, for the first time in months.

"Yes, James?" she prompted, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach.

"Er—" he stalled, looking down at his feet before returning his eyes to her face. "I asked you last year if you wanted to start over and you said no. But, if I were to ask now, would you—I mean—"

"I would love to start over," she said quietly, her face flushing. "I've wanted to start over for quite a bit now."

He looked at her with a shadow of the arrogant smirk that vexed her so much. "Really?" he asked.

She nodded and sighed dramatically. "You're annoyingly hard to despise."

"Well, if we're going to start over again let's do it properly," James said, stepping in front of her and holding out his hand. "Hello, nice to meet you. I'm James. I'm a wizard."

"Hello, James," Lily said, shaking his hand. "I'm Lily. I'm a witch."

"Excellent," he said, as they resumed walking. "You know, I'm glad we established that right away because if, say, we both thought the other was a muggle and did something ridiculous, like spend an entire summer together, things could get messy."

Lily swatted him on the shoulder, trying and failing to repress a grin. "Don't push your luck, Potter."

James shook his head good-naturedly. Lily felt an overwhelming peace settle over her. It certainly wasn't what they had been last summer, but it felt wonderful to be laughing and talking with James again. They were friends now, nothing more nothing less. She could be friends with him.

They climbed through the portrait hole and parted ways in the common room. Despite the terrible events of the night, Lily couldn't help but smile to herself as she climbed the spiral staircase. She could definitely be friends with James Potter.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** So much love goes out to all my readers, thank you thank you thank you for your feedback. It really makes my day so much better when I get an email saying someone reviewed. I hope you like this chapter, please continue sending in reviews!

Also an enormous thank you goes out to VileMalfoys who is my beta and is an enormous help to me!


	14. Secrets

Lily trooped down to breakfast the next morning with her friends, exhaustion threatening to overtake her. The events of the previous night, coupled with a terrible night's sleep, left her with bleary eyes and tousled hair as she entered the Great Hall.

The hall teemed with students, but her eyes snapped immediately to James' untidy black hair at the end of the Gryffindor. He sat with Peter and Sirius, though even from a distance Lily could see the three were barely looking at each other, much less talking. Peter sat between his two friends, facing each in turn and attempting to coax out a reaction with a joke or observation. James remained stony faced; Sirius offered a remark, though it was none too kind judging by the way Peter's eyes widened and he hastily turned away.

The girls meandered over to the table. Lily saw out of the corner of her eye Marlene frowning at the three Marauders.

"Where's Remus?" she asked, taking a seat in front of Sirius.

"Ill," James said, spearing a kipper.

"He wasn't feeling well last night either," Mary mused, sitting next to Marlene and in front of Peter, furrowing her brow. "I hope it isn't anything contagious, it'd be a right pain to be ill this early in term."

"I wouldn't worry about it," James said, still staring moodily at his plate.

Lily took the seat across from him and Alice the one beside her. She looked up briefly, hoping to catch James' eye. She had been meaning to ask him discreetly if things were alright with Sirius, though now it seemed that was unnecessary.

"You lot have a good first night back?" Marlene asked brightly, clearly hoping to direct the conversation to a lively subject. "Plan any new pranks?"

Sirius grunted and didn't look up. James merely shrugged. "It was alright," he said.

Marlene narrowed her eyes and looked between the three boys, a crease appearing in her forehead. "What's wrong with you three this morning?" she demanded.

"Nothing," James said brusquely, looking her in the eye for the first time that morning. "Don't worry about it."

"You're barely speaking!" Marlene cried, appealing to Sirius this time. "What's happened? Did you have a fight? Are you just unable to function properly without Remus?"

"Leave Remus out of this," James snapped, his fork dangling loosely in his hand.

Marlene raised her eyebrows and sat back, looking appraisingly at the boys.

"Er, what classes are you taking?" Lily broke in, speaking to James and giving him a small smile.

James set the fork down on his plate and ran a hand through his hair, regaining a bit of his usual swagger as he listed off his subjects.

"Transfiguration, defense, charms, potions, herbology, and arithmancy."

"Me too," Lily nodded, ignoring the curious glances they were garnering from their friends. "Except I'm not taking arithmancy and I'm continuing with history of magic."

James crinkled his nose and pretended to gag. "Who in their right mind willingly takes History of Magic N.E.W.T.?"

Lily shrugged. "It's interesting," she said, grabbing a muffin. "I didn't grow up around this and I rather enjoy learning about the magical world."

James shook his head with a small smile. "To each his own, I suppose. Though I do think this makes you certifiably insane, Lily."

She laughed lightly and tossed a bit of her muffin at him. "Prat," she said.

The rest of the group stared at them and Lily realized her friends didn't know about her newly formed friendship with James. By the time she had returned to the dormitory last night, they had all been asleep. She blushed and quickly turned to ask Mary about her classes.

McGonagall came over and distributed schedules, reminding them all to check when their free periods fell.

Students began to filter out of the Great Hall, making their way to classes. Lily scanned her piece of parchment and found she had potions first. She grabbed her bag and made to stand up, followed by the others. They waved goodbye to Mary and Peter, neither of whom were taking potions, and began walking to the dungeons. As they exited the hall Remus met them, his eyes rimmed by purple bags and his face drawn. James and Remus walked with Lily, while Marlene and Alice whispered behind them and Sirius trailed the group, his hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes glued to the floor.

Lily pushed open the heavy door to the potions classroom and looked around, her heart sinking. She had held on to a thread of hope that Gryffindors and Slytherins wouldn't have the class together anymore, but Severus sat at a table near the door, surrounded by Mulciber, Avery, and Urquhart. His mouth twisted into a sneer when he saw her but Lily averted her eyes. She had no wish to enter into a battle of wills with Severus this early into an already trying day.

She chose a table on the opposite side of the room, realizing sadly that she would have to find a new partner now that Mary was no longer there. James and Remus stood beside her. Sirius hesitated for a moment before going to the table in front of them. Marlene and Alice continued to talk quietly as they cast inquisitive glances towards the others and filed in beside Sirius.

Lily squirmed in discomfort and looked around the room. Aside from the four slytherins she had seen when she first walked in, there were a handful of ravenclaws sitting together. Connor wasn't there, and Lily hadn't been expecting him. Hestia Jones, who appeared to be the only hufflepuff to pursue a N.E.W.T. in potions, sat towards the back at a table with Emmeline Vance, who caught Lily's eye and gave a slight nod.

Slughorn burst through the door with his usual joviality and Lily's gaze jumped back to the potions master.

"Welcome, welcome," he boomed, grinning around. "Welcome to the beginning of your N.E.W.T. studies." He launched into a speech about the usefulness of advanced potion making and the wonderful concoctions they would be examining in the upcoming year. Lily's mind began to wander as Slughorn droned on. She looked over at Marlene, who was playing absently with the ends of her hair, and to Alice, whose face was turned towards Slughorn, though her eyes were glazed. Beside them, Sirius leaned back in his chair, his face showing boredom, but lacking its usual haughty expression.

"…So find a partner and turn to page 6!" Slughorn called out, rubbing his hands together and flicking his wand to the blackboard so directions appeared in long, spindly handwriting.

Startled, Lily looked around frantically for a partner. Somebody nudged her gently in the arm and she turned to find James glancing sheepishly at her.

"Wanna be my partner?" he asked quietly.

"Er—" Lily hesitated, glancing around at her friends, who were talking quietly once again.

"Please," James said, his eyes pleading. "I can't work with Sirius right now after—" He trailed off.

"What about Remus?" Lily asked, nodding towards the pale boy.

"He's rubbish at potions," James shrugged, a ghost of a smile playing at his mouth. "I'm shocked he managed to scrape an O.W.L. honestly."

"Don't you think it would look odd—" Lily looked away and chewed her lip, trying to catch Marlene or Alice's eye.

"Aren't we friends now?" James asked, raising an eyebrow. "There's nothing odd about two friends partnering up in class."

"Oh, alright," Lily relented, taking out her cauldron and opening her book briskly. "But you'd better not bring my classwork down. I've a reputation to uphold."

"Of course," James said, moving closer so he could see the instructions.

Lily glanced up, expecting to find Marlene and Alice watching her. To her surprise, she found that her two friends had separated. Alice had moved back a seat and now stood beside Remus. Marlene and Sirius remained at the front table.

"Are you sure you want to work with me?" she asked James again as she rolled up the sleeves of her robe. "It won't be strange or—I don't know—"

"Awkward?" James supplied, the corner of his mouth twitching. His eyes gravitated towards Sirius, who was arguing with Marlene over which of them would light the fire beneath their cauldron; his mouth turned down and his shoulders slumped. "No," he said, removing the top of one of the vials in his potion kit, "I don't think it will be."

Still a bit bewildered, but deciding it wasn't worth arguing over, Lily bent down hastily to read the instructions in the book. She added the first few ingredients and set about stirring, counting the revolutions in her head. Beside her, James was doing the same, and Lily took the opportunity to lean in and ask the question that had been plaguing her since they had left Dumbledore's office the night before.

"What was Sirius' punishment?"

He paused for a moment, but continued stirring, not raising his eyes from his cauldron. "He was almost suspended," he muttered. "I reckon if he'd pulled that with someone a little more influential—"

"So someone whose mother or father is on the board of governors," Lily broke in.

"Yeah," James nodded. "I reckon if it'd been one of them he would've been suspended or chucked out. But seeing as it wasn't anybody important—"

Lily made a slightly angry noise. James sent a glare her way.

"You know what I meant," he snapped. "And anyways, seeing as Snape wasn't hurt, Dumbledore let him off with probation and a month of detention."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "That's it?" she asked.

James nodded again, his jaw tightening. "He said something about the worst punishment couldn't come from him."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked, reaching for the jar of lacewig flies and adding six of them. "Is there going to be something else, something that they won't enforce yet?"

"I think he meant more of a personal punishment," James said, glancing towards Remus. Lily followed his gaze and understood his meaning, her heart sinking for her two friends.

"What did he do when he found out?" she whispered, keeping her eyes trained on Remus and Alice to be sure they weren't showing signs of eavesdropping.

"Sirius went down to the hospital wing to tell him this morning," James replied, his face growing paler. "Pete and I went too, just to be there. It was awful."

"Poor Remus," Lily breathed. "He must have felt terrible."

"He went mental," James said.

"Is that why you're ignoring him now?" Lily asked, turning to face James. His jaw was still set, but his hazel eyes were crinkled in sadness. "Do you have to freeze him out like this?" Lily pressed on, her eyes flickering back to Sirius, who was talking quietly to Marlene.

James' jaw twitched as he too looked towards his best friend. "He betrayed his friend for petty revenge, Lily," he said quietly, his voice hard.

"But couldn't you—"

"No," James said firmly, bending back over his cauldron. "At least not right now."

They continued working in silence, occasionally asking the other to hand over a particular ingredient or asking for clarification on the instructions. Marlene turned around several times throughout the lesson and threw Lily a confused glance, though Lily tried to pretend she didn't see.

Slughorn ambled over at the end of the lesson and peered excitedly into Lily's cauldron.

"Miss Evans," he said genially. "One of my stars, and working with Mr. Potter?" His face broke into a wide grin. "Did cupid pay you a visit over the holidays?"

Lily felt her face grow hot and she sputtered out a string of "er—I—no—er" cursing herself for agreeing to be James' stupid partner. To her relief, James took one look at her red face and turned hurriedly to Slughorn with a rueful smile on his face.

"I'm afraid we're just friends, Professor," he said. "Though I rather think we make wonderful potions partners."

"Oh ho!" Slughorn chuckled. "I see. Forgive me, forgive me, dear, if I made you uncomfortable. Well, let's see then. Yes, it's exactly the shade of blue it's supposed to be at the halfway point, it looks marvelous! But then, I hardly expected less from the two of you. One of my brightest pupils and the son of a potions legend!" And with that he waddled away, still chuckling to himself.

"Potions legend?" Lily asked, recovering herself and turning in surprise to face James, whose ears had gone a bit pink.

"Er, yeah," he mumbled, tugging at his collar. "My dad's done a fair bit with potions."

"Oh," Lily said. "I—I didn't know that." It felt odd, not knowing something about James. She had grown used to thinking she knew entirely too much about him.

"Don't worry about it," he said, beginning to pack up his things without looking at her.

The gryffindors went to transfiguration next, where McGonagall started them off with a long and rather intimidating speech about the difficulty and importance of their N.E.W.T. exams, before launching into a complicated lesson on the theory of vanishing and finally handing out matches for everyone to practice.

Marlene had been sending strange looks in Lily's direction for the majority of the lesson and as soon as McGonagall told them to practice vanishing their toothpicks, the brunette hauled Lily, Alice and Mary to a table in the very corner of the room.

Lily found herself a bit disgruntled at this, as she had been planning on working near James so he could help her when she inevitably had trouble. One look at Marlene's determined face, however, squashed any hopes she had had about slipping away.

They each set their matches on the table and drew their wands, but before any could mutter the incantation, Marlene spun around to face Lily.

"What's going on with the boys?" she demanded, narrowing her eyes at Lily, who felt a flush creep back across her face. "Sirius has hardly spoken all morning and they're all acting strangely."

"I don't know," Lily lied, looking away uneasily as her friends stared at her with raised eyebrows. She didn't like lying, she hated keeping secrets, but there was no way to explain what had transpired the night before without giving away, or at least seriously alluding to, Remus' secret.

"You don't know?" Marlene asked in disbelief, her dark eyes trained on Lily.

"No, I don't," Lily said.

"Then d'you mind telling us when you and James became so chummy?" Mary asked, smirking. "Last I heard you thought you guys would never be able to work things out."

"Well, we worked them out," Lily said nervously, her face steaming.

"When did this happen?" Marlene asked, momentarily forgetting her suspicions as she leaned forward with glee, hoping to extract every detail from her friend. "It couldn't have been on the train."

"No, er," Lily stammered, thinking wildly for a plausible story. "It was—er—last night actually. Before we went up to the dormitory. We just decided it was silly to go on as we had been and it would be better to just put everything behind us."

"Really?" Marlene asked. "After all those months of whining and crying and shouting you just…decided it was better not to?"

"Er—yeah," Lily said, biting her lip.

"Blimey," Alice said. "Talk about anticlimactic."

"So that was really all?" Marlene asked again, looking a bit put-out at the lack of a dramatic ending.

"Mhm," Lily mumbled, turning her attention back to her match.

"McGonagall's coming over," Alice hissed. The girls all hurriedly waved their wands and said the incantation; all four matches stayed resolutely on the table.

Across the classroom, James watched the four girls anxiously. He had known from the moment Marlene grabbed her friends that an interrogation would be taking place. And while he knew Lily had promised not to say anything about Remus or the night before, he knew firsthand how relentless Marlene McKinnon was when she wanted to know something.

With a frustrated sigh and a flick of his wand, he lazily vanished the match sitting in front of him. James smiled to himself. No matter what else, transfiguration always brought him a strange sense of pride. He looked around the classroom, thinking regretfully about the fact none of his classmates would ever know his crowning achievement. They would never be able to admire what he had accomplished the year before.

"Prongs," Remus whispered next to him. "Can you help me?"

James turned and saw Remus glaring at his match, which remained unvanished.

"Yeah," James said, running a hand through his hair.

"I can help," Sirius said from behind them, walking around the desks dividing them and reaching out towards Remus. His face was arranged in an eager smile and his grey eyes shone as he approached his friends. "Here, you just—"

"I'll help him," James said coldly, turning so his back faced Sirius. The boy stopped in his tracks, the eagerness evaporating from his face and leaving only hurt.

"Moony," Sirius said quietly appealing to Remus, his face pleading. Remus looked stricken; he glanced at Sirius for a moment before his face crumpled and he too turned away.

"Don't call me Moony anymore," he said quietly.

Sirius stood gaping at his two friends, his face awash with sadness. "But—"

"Why don't you go back to your seat?" James suggested, grinding his teeth. "You're more of a distraction than anything here."

Remus said nothing and kept his eyes on the table. Sirius didn't move. His pleading face morphed into a glare as he continued staring at his friends. "I have the right to try and help my friends, you know," he growled. He took a step forward, eyes narrowing. "You can't—"

"Sirius, please go," Remus whispered, still not looking up.

Sirius' glare crumbled. His eyes flickered from James to Remus before he slowly turned on his heel and slunk back to his seat.

James looked up and caught Lily's eye from across the room. He knew without having to ask that she had seen the whole thing, or at least the last part. With a sigh he gave her a small smile and turned to Remus to correct his wand movement.

"It's a flick," he said, demonstrating with his own wand. "It should be short and sharp."

Remus flicked his wand and half the match disappeared. "I guess it's an improvement," he sighed, rubbing his purple-rimmed eyes.

"You'll get it," James said encouragingly, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "A lot of the trick to vanishing is getting it straight in your mind what you want to happen. You don't just want the object to not be seen, you want it to disappear completely. There's a difference."

"Right," Remus muttered, slumping in his seat. "A difference."

They both straightened a moment later when Marlene strode over, her dark eyes blazing. She walked right up to James and looked him in the eye, her chin jutting out in a way that reminded him strongly of Lily when she was angry.

"What's going on?" the brunette demanded, keeping her voice low and checking over her shoulder to ensure McGonagall was too preoccupied helping someone else to see them.

"Nothing," James replied defensively, crossing his arms over his chest and looking down at his childhood friend. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't tell Marlene what had happened without revealing Remus' secret. "Just leave it alone, Marls."

"Why are you doing this to him?" she asked, her eyes flickering to Sirius, who was watching the exchange warily. "Why are you ignoring your best friend? _Your best friend_ , James, who if you'll remember you invited to live with you this summer! What could have possibly happened—"

"I said leave it alone!" James snapped, his jaw clamping down tightly.

She opened her mouth furiously. "James—"

"Marley, please leave it," Sirius mumbled from behind them, his grey eyes staring in between the two feuding friends.

"Sirius!" she cried, moving towards him. "Don't you think—"

"No," he said firmly, putting an arm around her. "Thank you for the concern though."

James turned around angrily, trying valiantly to get ahold of his temper. Of course Marlene would sympathize with Sirius, he was practically her best friend too. And she didn't know—

His thoughts halted when he caught sight of Remus, who was watching Sirius and Marlene with a pained look on his face.

"I'm sorry, mate," James said, clapping a reassuring hand on Remus' shoulder, thinking that Marlene's anger was the source of Remus' unhappiness. "You know we can't tell her—"

"It's fine," Remus said curtly, shrugging James' hand off and turning back to the half-vanished match in front of him. "Just help me with this bloody spell."

By the time the afternoon came around and it was time for charms, Lily's mood had nosedived and she thought there was nothing she would like more than a long, hot bath and a book. Between her friends' interrogation, the hostile rift between Sirius and the other marauders, and the fact that the teachers seemed determined to crush her under a pile of homework, she had truly never had a more tiresome day.

She perked up momentarily when she saw Connor outside the classroom door; she had been worried they might not have the class together again this year. He put an arm around her waist and kissed her cheek gently while they walked inside.

"How was care of magical creatures?" she asked, choosing a seat in the second row.

"Brilliant," Connor responded, dropping into the seat next to her. "We're starting right off with auguries, fascinating things they are. And Professor Kettleburn said something about being able to take a trip over Christmas holidays to Romania to see some dragons."

"Dragons?" Lily asked, alarmed. "You're not really going to try and train _dragons_ are you? They're some of the most dangerous—"

"We're not going to be training dragons," Connor laughed, leaning forward and kissing her nose. "It will just be to observe them, see how they interact with each other and things like that."

"Oh," Lily said, unable to think of a proper response. She sat back in her chair, her face falling into the creased, worried expression she had been wearing for most of the day.

"Are you alright?" Connor asked, his brow furrowing as he glanced at her. "You look a bit peaky."

"Just a bit stressed out," Lily said. "I've already got loads of work to do this week."

"Me too," Connor said sympathetically, reaching for her hand and squeezing it. "You'll get through it."

She smiled at him, grateful to have at least one person who didn't constantly question her or ask her to keep secrets.

"Er, Lily, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Never mind.

She sighed quietly. "Yeah?" she asked with forced nonchalance.

"Er, well, that one Gryffindor bird, I don't know her name, the blonde who went out with Potter last year—"

"Sarah Carroll?" Lily supplied, her lip curling up at the thought of the girl.

"Yeah, her," Connor said, turning red and speaking quickly. "Listen, I don't want to sound like a jealous boyfriend, but she said something about you and Potter working together in potions—"

Lily had to force herself not to roll her eyes. She straightened slightly in her seat. "Yes, we're partners," she said, feeling inexplicably guilty, though she had done nothing wrong. "Er, you see we decided to put all the drama and fighting behind us and we're friends now…just friends. And he and Black are fighting—"

"What happened with that?" Connor asked, his eyes focusing on hers. "I heard some people talking about that, saying the other three are all ignoring him and such."

"I don't know," Lily said, pressing her lips together. "Whatever it is, it seems to be important."

"Right," Connor said. "Of course. But so you and Potter are partners now because Black's not there?"

"Er, I suppose that's one way of putting it," Lily muttered, feeling her face flush.

"And you're just friends now, you say?" Connor asked, his eyebrows raised slightly, expectantly.

"Yes," Lily said firmly, trying not to show how much the question vexed her.

"D'you have any idea if he and Black are going to put this behind them anytime soon?" Connor asked, a bit too nonchalantly.

"I don't know," Lily said again, though this time truthfully. "I suppose that's up to them."

"I suppose so," Connor said.

Flitwick entered the room then and gave the sixth years yet another speech on N.E.W.T.s before assigning them the task of working on nonverbal spells.

Lily's evening passed quickly. Connor didn't mention James again when they met in the library and Marlene stayed unusually quiet throughout dinner. In fact, Lily was beginning to hope that the events of the day would blow over quickly. After dinner Alice ran off to find Frank, and Lily traipsed back to the Gryffindor common room with Marlene and Mary.

Inside, they found an unusual and rather depressing sight. Sirius Black sat alone in an armchair by the fire, his shoulders hunched and his face appearing rather grey by the dim light.

"Oh," Marlene gasped quietly, moving forward so as to comfort him.

Lily put an arm out, blocking her friend's path. "Mar," she said slowly, glancing back at Sirius, who hadn't appeared to have seen them, "let me."

Marlene gave her a puzzled look. "Are you sure?" she asked, looking a bit offended.

"Yeah," Lily nodded, chewing the inside of her cheek. "We—er—really got to know each other at my sister's wedding. I think I can help."

"Alright," Marlene said dubiously, her eyes flickering to Sirius and softening. "Tell me how he is," she said quietly, before turning and ascending the spiral staircase, closely followed by Mary.

As soon as her friends were out of sight, Lily cautiously approached the sullen boy.

"Sirius?" she asked tentatively.

He looked up, his face drawn. "Lo, Lilybean," he said tonelessly.

"Hi," she said, sinking into the chair beside him. "How are you?"

Sirius grunted but didn't say anything. Lily waited patiently, her mind brimming with sympathy and questions. She waited patiently for Sirius to say something. After all, he must have something to say to her.

It appeared he didn't and after a few long minutes of silence, the question that had been sitting heavily on her tongue since she had sat down slipped out.

"Sirius, how could you?"

He didn't say anything right away, but turned his grey eyes to look directly into her green ones. They were lined with worry and anguish. The usual twinkle was nowhere to be found.

"I don't know," he said in a low voice, dropping his head. "I don't know, Lilybean."

"Did you—" she trailed off, swallowed, and reformed the question. "Were you hoping Se—Snape would find Remus?"

"I didn't want him to die if that's what you're asking," Sirius said, his gaze resting on the dancing fire. "I just wanted to scare him—I just wanted him to feel that terrible, soul-sucking fear I've felt every fucking summer since I was eleven years old."

Lily furrowed her brow. "Sirius, what are you talking about?" she asked quietly.

He turned back to her and held her gaze. "You know why I ran away from home, Lily," he said. "You know how I felt there—how I feel now about my brother. You know why I'm worried about him. And that—that greasy little bastard had the nerve to laugh at me for that!" Sirius' voice rose with anger as he continued on, his eyes shining with rage. "He called me a coward for it! For running away from it! For leaving!"

"Sirius—"

"I just wanted him to feel afraid," he said, ignoring her attempt to console him. "I wanted him to experience that, and then see if he would laugh at me again and call me a coward."

"Sirius, what you did was terrible," Lily said firmly. "You could have killed him."

"I know," he said dully, his head dropping into his hands. "I'm not proud of this, Lily. I didn't think."

"No, you didn't," the redhead agreed, placing a hand on his shoulder. "And you broke Remus' trust."

"I know," Sirius moaned, his shoulders shaking as he fought to keep the emotion from his voice. "And I lost my three best friends."

"I don't think so," Lily said slowly, rubbing circles in Sirius' shoulder. "You made a terrible mistake, and they're understandably angry about it. But I think they'll forgive you."

"You think I deserve their forgiveness?" Sirius asked, peering at her.

"I think if you ask for it, you might be surprised," Lily said quietly.

The portrait hole opened and they both looked up in time to see the very three boys in question tumble through, their conversation dying at their lips as they saw Lily and Sirius.

Sirius eyed his friends nervously. "Well, goodnight, Lilybean," he said uneasily, rising from his seat.

"Sirius, you don't have to—" she began, shooting a look at the other three Marauders, whose faces remained impassive.

"No, it's okay," he said, attempting to smile but achieving a sort of grimace. "Thank you for talking with me."

"Not a problem," she said.

Sirius turned and walked hurriedly up the staircase to the boys' dormitory. James, Peter and Remus came and took his place. James opened his mouth as if to say something, his eyes slightly narrowed, but Lily beat him to it.

"How long are you going to go about ignoring him?" she asked, looking between the three friends.

James' eyebrows shot up at the question; he looked a bit annoyed. "You know it's not undeserved, Lily," he said.

"I understand that," she said gently, watching the stairs where Sirius had disappeared. "But you can't leave things like this forever."

"It's just—too early to forget everything," James said.

"And anyways, it looks as though he has Marlene to comfort him," Remus said bitterly, earning a surprised look from James and Peter.

Lily, the only one who understood the source of Remus' frustration didn't say anything. She rose from her own chair, smiling sadly at the three boys.

"I'm off to bed," she said. "I hope you lot can figure things out."

The boys bade her goodnight and Lily climbed the stairs to her dormitory, where she found all the other girls except Emmeline present.

"How was it?" Marlene asked, lying down on her bed.

"Alright," Lily sighed, digging through her trunk in search of her pajamas. "I think they'll work it out soon enough."

"I hope so," Mary piped up. "Freezing him out for no reason, it's mad."

"I know," Marlene said. "And nobody will bloody talk to me about it—"

"Don't worry too much, Mar," Lily said, climbing into bed. "Just let them work it out amongst themselves."

Nobody spoke for a few moments until Mary looked around in confusion. "Say, does anybody know where Em's got to?"

"I haven't seen her since dinner," Lily said.

"Me neither," Marlene added.

They turned to Sarah Carroll, who sat on the corner of her bed. "How would I know?" she asked irritably, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder. "She's always with that Hestia girl now. I hardly see her."

"She'll come up eventually," Mary said, drawing the hangings around her bed. Lily followed suit and lay awake for several hours, staring at the ceiling. This was shaping up to be a terrible start to the year.

Things did not improve over the course of the week. The workload only increased, and Lily found herself secretly wishing to go back in time to O.W.L. preparation. She and Connor spoke only about classes now, and Lily felt the strain that secrets put on the relationship. Her friends seemed to be increasingly unreliable, with Alice and Frank attached at the hip, and Marlene spending as much time as possible with Sirius.

The boys had not worked their problems out, much to Lily's disappointment. In fact, it seemed to have only escalated, with the remaining three Marauders and Sirius seeming to be in a midst of a contest to determine who could be colder to the other. They hardly acknowledged each other and Lily didn't know what had caused Sirius to pursue this tactic of regaining his friends' trust.

She walked into the common room one night, returning from a library session with Connor, to find Marlene and Sirius in a far corner playing wizard chess, and James, Peter and Remus in another corner, playing exploding snap. Both parties were doing an admirable job of sneaking glances at the other when they thought nobody was looking. James watched Sirius with a tight jaw and angry eyes; Peter looked nervously as though afraid of being attacked; Remus looked unhappily at the two and always quickly averted his eyes.

Lily watched the spectacle for a moment and saw Remus' downcast face as he turned his gaze back to his cards for the fourth time. Her heart broke for her friend, and she approached him quietly.

The boys greeted her and Lily took a seat beside Remus, leaning in to whisper to him. "I'm sorry," she said, inclining her head slightly towards Marlene and Sirius. "You could always—"

"No," he said, not even bothering to hear the suggestion.

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

Lily sat in silence for a minute while the boys continued their game. When the round was done Peter offered to deal her in for the next one and Lily agreed. They passed nearly an hour playing, with Peter winning nearly every round.

"I'm tired," Remus announced after a particularly violent round, throwing his cards on the floor. "I'm going to bed."

"Goodnight," Lily said. Remus smiled sadly and turned to leave, with Peter picking up the cards and following behind him.

"Are you coming, Prongs?" the mousy looking boy called to James.

"I'll be up in a minute," James answered.

Lily looked at him curiously and got up to leave, figuring there was no reason for her and James to stay in a secluded corner of the common room alone. Out of the corner of her eye she caught Marlene watching them, but ignored it.

"I guess I'll go up too, then," she said and made to go, but James caught her wrist gently.

"Have you talked to Remus much?" he asked quietly, his eyes looking concerned.

"A bit," Lily answered, biting her lip. "Not as much as I'd like, why?"

James sighed and released her wrist. "Is he—I mean—is there—I don't know." He brought a hand to his hair and ruffled it nervously, dropping his eyes. "I know he's upset about—you know. But it seems like there's something…more than that. I was—I just wanted to know if you might know anything."

"I—" Lily began, the familiar lie of 'I don't know' already on her tongue and ready to drop. But she stopped. She could lie, it seemed that was all she did now, lie and keep secrets, but somehow she didn't want to lie to James. Not about this, anyways.

James took her hesitation the wrong way and his face turned pleading. "Lily, come on, we're friends now. You can—you should talk to me."

"I know, I know," she said, sitting back down next to him. "It's just—I do know something, but was asked to keep it a secret. If it were mine to tell I would but—" she broke off and glanced at him, begging him to understand. "I promised not to say anything. I'm sorry."

James nodded. "I understand," he said. "But," he looked at her sharply, "if it gets worse, would you—obviously I don't want you to break someone's trust but—"

"If it's necessary, I'll tell you," Lily said, glancing back at Marlene and Sirius, who were rising to go to bed. "I don't think that will happen, though."

"Right," James said, giving her a small smile. "You're a good friend, Lily."

"So are you," she said, rising once again. He didn't stop her this time.

"Goodnight, Lily," he called when she was at the bottom of the stairs.

She looked over her shoulder and saw him still sitting down, his hand in his hair. The image brought a smile to her face. "Goodnight, James," she said, before scampering up the stairs to her dormitory.

When Lily arrived in the room, she saw Marlene, sitting on the edge of Lily's bed with her arms folded.

"Hey, Marley," Lily said tiredly, taking in Marlene's red, irritated face. She hoped she wasn't going to be subjected to another rant about boys' stupidity.

Marlene didn't bother to preface her question. "What happened between the boys?" she asked sharply, her dark eyes glaring at Lily.

Lily froze. She felt her face get hot and swallowed heavily before straightening and facing the angry brunette. "I don't know," she said uneasily.

"Then why," Marlene said loudly, her face growing darker as she hopped off Lily's bed, "are you condoning this? Why are you making it okay for them to do this?"

"What are you—" Lily began, stepping back in confusion.

"He's _miserable,_ Lily!" Marlene shrieked, her face turning scarlet. "And you just waltzed into the common room, didn't even acknowledge him, and got all chummy with his friends who won't give him the time of day—"

"I don't have to pick sides!" Lily cried, folding her arms across her chest.

Marlene glowered at the redhead, her jaw twitching much like James' did when he was upset. "It seems like you already have," she spat.

Lily opened her mouth, but Marlene turned and stalked to her own bed, drawing the curtains.

"You're a terrible liar, Evans," Sarah Carroll said snidely from across the room.

Lily clenched her jaw and jumped in bed without bothering to change into pajamas. She yanked the hangings shut with vengeance, fuming. It was so bloody unfair, she thought, that she was in the middle of this whole mess. Her jaw was still tightened painfully when she drifted asleep, dreaming of Remus' unhappy face and James' hand around her wrist, while Marlene and Alice screamed at her and Petunia danced around.

Marlene had already gone down to breakfast when Lily awoke the next morning, which was perfectly fine as far as she was concerned. She went through the day in a distracted daze, adding too much gurdyroot to her sleeping draught in potions and earning a disappointed frown from Slughorn.

"Are you alright?" James whispered as the potions master waddled away, watching her tentatively.

Lily nodded. "You should work things out with Sirius," she said, not looking at him as she hurriedly packed up her things. At the table ahead of them, Sirius was laughing raucously with Marlene. To Lily's right, she heard Remus apologizing profusely to Alice for dropping the leeches in his cauldron too early and accidentally singing both their robes.

The day did not improve. Marlene remained cold towards Lily and stayed by Sirius, throwing disapproving looks towards her friend every once in a while. Lily sighed and said nothing, silently praying that the boys would come to their senses and the whole business would be settled soon.

Lily was walking to charms, hand in hand with Connor that afternoon, when Marlene barreled towards her, eyes wide and bright with anger.

"I just heard from Sarah bloody Carroll that Snape said you were with James the first night back."

Lily's eyes went wide and Marlene shrieked in irritation. "Now don't you _dare_ tell me you don't know, Lily Evans, what happened between the boys?"

"Hold on," Connor broke in, removing his hand from Lily's and stepping back, his eyes wide. "You were with Potter the first night back?"

"I—" Lily sputtered, unsure of which accusation to address first.

"That's why you ran out of the dormitory so quickly!" Marlene cried, smacking a hand to her forehead and staring at Lily.

"I wasn't—" Lily tried to defend herself.

"You were with Potter?" Connor cut in, now glaring at her.

"We were—"

"Where were you exactly?" he asked, his hands shaking at his side as he stared at his sputtering girlfriend.

"We were just—" Lily started quickly, trying to think of some scenario involving herself and James that wasn't highly incriminating.

"You weren't in the common room, I checked," Marlene said, her voice quaking.

"Merlin's beard," Connor said quietly, a mixture of anger and hurt playing out on his face as he stared at Lily. "I've been so bloody stupid. All this 'friends' rubbish—"

"Connor, no!" Lily pleaded, taking his hand in hers. "Please, it's not like that."

"Then what's it like, Lily?" he demanded, tearing his hand from hers. "What were you doing with him, then?"

"We—" she paused, trying to decide what to say. They were with his werewolf friend? They were trying to save Snape's life?

Connnor's jaw tightened at her hesitation and he backed away, breathing heavily.

"Connor, please, I can explain!" Lily cried desperately, moving to follow him.

"Don't bother," he snapped, turning on his heel and leaving.

Tears welled up in Lily's eyes as she watched him walk away. Beside her, Marlene continued to gape at her, shock evident in her expression.

"You and James—" the brunette began.

"You know bloody well that's not what happened," Lily bit out, willing herself not to cry.

"Then what did happen?" Marlene asked persistently. "Just tell me, Lily, what happened the first night back? Why is James doing this to Sirius?"

Lily sniffed quietly and inhaled deeply. "I can't tell you Marls," she said in a shaky voice. "I—I'm sorry, but I can't." With that she pushed past Marlene, who looked ready to launch another attack, and rushed down the corridor, choking back sobs as she went.

 **Author's Note:** Thank you so much for all the feedback! Keep reading and reviewing, I'm having a great time writing this story! For anyone who's interested I've started posting updates about this story and some teasers, as well as answering any questions on my Jily blog on tumblr. My url is **ohdeerjily**


	15. Making Up and Breaking Up

James Potter walked slowly down the fourth floor corridor, a hand ruffling his hair even though there was nobody else around.

"If you mess it up any more, you're going to look like a merperson," a painting of a frumpy old witch chided, wagging a finger at him. James ignored her but removed his hand from his hair, shoving it in his pocket instead.

James liked to think he was brave; he was a Gryffindor, after all, and had never been known to shy away from a challenge. But he couldn't deny the dread curling inside his stomach and weighing him down as he made his way to the Gryffindor common room. Just thinking of the task ahead of him made him want to turn around and sprint back to the Great Hall. He ground his teeth and forced his feet to continue moving forward. As he did so, he thought back to the scene that had taken place that afternoon, the reason he was now slowly making his way towards the common room so uneasily.

James, Remus and Peter had all been walking to charms together. Their laughter was not as boisterous as it had been when Sirius was with them, but they were all still in good spirits as they walked down the corridor. James had been teasing Peter about his attempts to flirt with a fifth year Hufflepuff when Lily Evans had flown around the corner, nearly knocking into him as she ran past. As he watched her sprint away, he caught a glimpse of her face, which was red and puffy and streaked with tears. Turning to Remus, James saw he was not the only one who had noticed Lily's state.

"We should go help her," Remus said, his face scrunching up in concern as he watched Lily slip into a room a little further down the corridor. "You don't think it's anything to do with Snape, do you?"

"I don't know," James said absently, checking his watch. They had five minutes to get to charms. The image of Lily's puffy face stayed in his mind and in a moment he made his decision. "Listen," he said, turning to his friends and catching Remus' eye, "you guys go to class, I'll find Lily."

"Prongs—" Remus said.

James waved him off, already starting off down the hall. "If we're late tell Flitwick we found a couple first years dueling and had to sort them out."

"Are you sure?" Remus called after him, his eyebrows raised. James paused and ran a hand through his hair. Remus' eyes crinkled nervously and James saw his own concern mirrored back at him in his friend. "Maybe I should go instead," Remus continued, his grey eyes looking steadily into James'. "I know you two are friends now, but—"

"I want to go," James said firmly.

Remus still looked unconvinced and opened his mouth to protest.

"Moony," James said. "Please, I need to make sure she's alright."

Remus looked at him appraisingly for another moment and then nodded, nudging Peter in the shoulder as he left.

James continued down the corridor, which was now nearly empty as classes were starting any minute. He listened intently as he tried to remember which door exactly Lily had gone into.

It wasn't hard to find her in the end. He could hear the muffled sobs coming from inside the girls' bathroom.

After a moment's deliberation, James raised his hand and rapped nervously on the door. The resolution he had felt while talking to Remus was gone now and he was supremely uncomfortable knocking at the door of a girls' loo, trying to find and comfort a girl he wasn't even sure wanted to be found and comforted by him. Why did she have to pick a bathroom of all places to cry in? he thought to himself. Why couldn't she have picked a classroom or a broom cupboard? Hell, even the bloody Great Hall would be better than this.

Following his knock the crying from inside ceased but no answer came. James waited a moment to see if she would open the door, but there was no muffled voice, no footsteps indicating someone was preparing to exit.

Sighing, James leaned against the door and called out softly, "Lily?" He heard sniffling, but still no response.

 _Sod it,_ he thought, before pushing the door open, wondering for a second what he would do if it wasn't in fact Lily crying in this bathroom.

It was Lily, much to his relief. She was standing in front of the mirror, adjusting her hair with forced nonchalance and trying unsuccessfully to hide her swollen, red-rimmed eyes.

"Did Flitwick send you to find me?" she asked in a strained, airy voice, her eyes flitting around the bathroom, never looking at him. "I suppose I'm late, aren't I? But I—I had to use the loo, you see. I thought I could hold out until after class but clearly I was wrong and I thought I might be late, but really he shouldn't have sent you—"

James barely listened to her chatter, his eyes zeroing in on the quickly drying tears still clinging to her eyelashes. He stepped into the bathroom and let the door close behind him. "Lily," he said.

"I can't even be that late yet," she continued on, still determinedly not looking at him. "I'm sorry to have been a bother—"

"Lily," he said again, tentatively moving towards her.

"What's the time anyways?" she asked, her voice getting higher as she frantically starting shuffling around in search of her bag, her eyes glued to the floor. "Has class been going for long? I thought I'd only been in here for a few seconds, but maybe—"

" _Lily!_ "

She froze and stopped rambling, her mouth snapping shut. She turned mechanically and looked at him for the first time since he had entered the bathroom. Her green eyes sparkled, like a pair of emeralds glittering in the sun. They would have been exquisite, James thought, had they not been rimmed by red, puffy skin stained from tears.

James chest constricted as his eyes roved over her splotchy face. It was dry now, but the red tracks on her cheeks were evidence of the tears which had flowed only minutes before. Behind the flush, her skin was white, almost translucent. The light freckles splattered across her face stood out more than usual, flecks of life peeking through a mask. James searched her face hungrily until he found his favorite freckle of hers, one he had discovered last summer and loved ever since. It was a small one, sitting right at the corner of her mouth and could only be seen when the light hit her face in certain ways. Or, he reflected bitterly, when puffy, tear-stained skin illuminated it.

Lily's eyes flitted towards the door and she cleared her throat uncomfortably.

With a start, James remembered he had come into the bathroom for a reason. He unwillingly tore his stare from the freckle and turned it back to Lily's swollen eyes, which looked out at him warily.

"Um," he began, shuffling his feet. His eyes drifted to the toilet stalls behind her. He shook his head. _Why_ did she have to be in a bathroom?

"Are you alright?" he asked, wincing at how stupid and feeble the question sounded. Of course she wasn't bloody alright, he had just interrupted her crying in a loo. Hastily trying to redeem himself, James continued, "We—er—I mean, me, Remus and Peter saw you run down here and—well, you didn't look too good—"

 _Brilliant, Potter_ , he reprimanded himself angrily _, insult her while she's already upset._

Lily's face crinkled and for one terrible moment James thought she was going to start crying again. Instead, she put her head in her hands and sank down to the floor.

"Everybody hates me," she whispered, her voice muffled by her fingers. "And I didn't do anything. I just—"

James slowly sat down next to her and put a hand on her shoulder, unsure of how to proceed, of what he was allowed to do. Last summer he would have taken her in his arms and run his fingers through her hair. This time last year she wouldn't have allowed him to be anywhere near him, let alone wrap her in a hug.

Neither of those thoughts were particularly helpful or comforting, so James simply kept his hand on Lily's shoulder and hoped she didn't push him away.

She didn't. He felt her body tense at the initial contact but then relax, slumping to the floor.

"What happened?" he asked gently. "Is—well, is everything—"

"Alright?" she supplied, lifting her head and glaring at him, her eyes now blazing. James felt her shoulders tense beneath his hand. The splotches on her face were fading, but she remained pale. James could still just make out the freckle near her mouth.

"No, everything is not bloody alright," Lily said in an icy voice. "Marlene is angry with me because I won't tell her why you lot are angry with Sirius and Connor just—just broke up with me because she stormed up to us in the middle of the bloody corridor screaming about how I'd been with you the first night of term."

"Goldstein split up with you?" James asked, quicker than he'd meant to. He tried to inject a note of sympathy into his voice as he glanced at Lily, whose quick anger seemed to have abated as she relaxed once more. "I—but—because of Marlene?"

"Because she told him I'd been with you the first night," Lily said, examining her fingernails.

"Yeah?" James prompted, expecting more.

Lily glared at him again, though she still didn't push him away or storm out. "What would you think if Marley ran up to you shouting that your girlfriend spent the first night back in the company of another bloke and didn't tell you?"

"Oh," James faltered, looking down at the floor while his ears turned a bit pink. He had been so absorbed with the repercussions of that night, and so relieved that he and Lily were back on good terms that he hadn't thought about what it would look like to an outside party. Two sixth years wandering the castle at night, anybody who had spent five years listening to the Hogwarts gossip mill would be able to fill in the supposed details. "So you didn't—you didn't tell Goldstein, er, Connor, then?"

"What would I have told him?" Lily sighed, sinking lower so her feet knocked into James'. "That I had to go save my old best friend from being mauled by a werewolf?"

"Right," James said, unconsciously extending his arm so it wrapped around Lily and squeezing her shoulder. "I see your point."

Lily sighed heavily and stared at the pleats of her skirt, playing with the ends of her hair. "You need to talk to Sirius," she said. "Or at least Marlene. Just—do something, James, I can't be in the middle of this anymore." Her hands abandoned her hair and rose back up to cover her face.

Beside her, James' mind battled fiercely. One side, the side that was still angry with Sirius, screamed that he couldn't talk to him, couldn't possibly involve someone else in the whole mess, especially not Marlene, who loved Sirius like a brother and possibly more. He wasn't stupid, he had seen them over the last week, saw them together in the common room, had seen them over the summer. And the idea of telling Marlene about Remus—no, they couldn't do that. He wouldn't deprive Remus of his right to choose who to tell about his condition simply to make Marlene, or Sirius, or even Lily happy. This side of James' brain screamed that he could never forgive Sirius, could not even consider the idea of talking to him. But then, the other side of his mind, the side that couldn't bear to see Lily cry, demanded that he do whatever it took to make her happy, even if he would rather fight a horde of trolls. She deserved to be happy, this wonderful girl who had done nothing but protect her friends' secrets, James' mind pleaded. He had already ruined one relationship for her that day Snape had called her a mudblood. He couldn't bear the thought of being responsible for more.

Lily's chest quivered as a small sob escaped and the battle was over.

"I'll talk to him, Lily," James said quietly, pulling her closer to him. "I'm so sorry. I—I didn't think it would be this bad for you."

"It's been bloody awful," she said from behind her hands. "Marley's mad at me, Sirius is miserable. Connor hates me now. Remus is upset because—oh and I'll probably get detention from Flitwick now, we must have missed nearly half of class already!"

"You won't get detention," James reassured her, glad he could ease her mind of at least one burden. "Remus told him we found some first years fighting and had to sort it out."

Lily sniffed and cracked a small smile, lowering her hands back to her lap. "I feel as though I ought to be upset with you for lying," she said finally, though without conviction.

James shrugged and grinned at her. "We can't have you losing your spotless reputation now, can we?" he said good-naturedly. "And, no offense, but you couldn't possibly have gone to class in the state you were in."

"No," she said thoughtfully, shrugging his arm off and standing up slowly. "I suppose not."

James stood beside her and watched as Lily gathered her things and glanced at her reflection in the mirror, dabbing nervously at the swollen skin around her eyes.

"You look fine," he said, looking again for the freckle near her mouth but unable to find it.

"Are you sure?" she asked, continuing to survey her face.

"Yeah, no one will notice anything," James assured her, picking up his own bag and opening the door, standing aside to let her through.

Lily nodded and walked out into the corridor, pausing so he could catch up with her. They walked down the corridor together, both staring at the floor.

"You promise you'll talk to Sirius?" she asked when they reached the charms classroom.

James nodded and locked his hazel eyes onto her green ones. "Yeah," he said, "I promise."

James thought back over that conversation as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower, reminding himself he was doing this for Lily.

But Merlin, he didn't want to. The idea of talking to Sirius, of having a real conversation with his best friend, made him ill. Stale anger still simmered beneath his skin whenever he thought of Sirius. James ground his teeth as he marched down the corridor. Betraying your friends was bad enough, he thought, but betraying them for a stupid joke? For a bit of petty, juvenile revenge? That was inexcusable.

He climbed through the portrait hole and scanned the common room, half relieved and half apprehensive when he didn't see Sirius occupying any of the armchairs. With a sigh, James strode over to the spiral staircase and began climbing up to the sixth year dormitory. Even if Sirius wasn't there, he reasoned, he could use the map, which was hidden away in his trunk, to track him down.

When James first entered the dormitory he thought it was, in fact, empty. It wasn't until he was bent over his trunk, searching for the map, that he caught sight of the black shaggy dog curled up beside Remus' bed.

"He'll go berserk if you shed all over his things," James said tonelessly, not looking up from his trunk.

"I just wanted to wait for him to get back," Sirius' voice answered.

James turned to find the dog replaced by his best friend, who looked as though he hadn't slept in a week.

"It's easier to deal with everything when I'm not—me," Sirius explained, watching James nervously.

"Right," James murmured, standing up and making his way towards Sirius, keeping his eyes on the floor. When he stood less than a foot away from his friend, he stopped.

Neither boy spoke for a minute.

"Lily said I need to talk to you," James said finally, the heavy anger in his stomach simmering steadily and rising up to his throat.

Sirius nodded and let out a short, humorless laugh. "I figured it was something like that."

"She wasn't wrong," James snapped, irritated by his friend's remark. He felt the fury boil inside of him, threatening to spill over.

"She wasn't," Sirius agreed. "Merlin knows, _she_ wouldn't just ignore someone for a bloody week and not let them—"

"You told Snape about Remus!" James shouted, his anger boiling over and spilling out of him.

"I didn't _tell_ him—" Sirius started.

"You as good as told him!" James snapped, clenching his teeth and willing himself not to hit something. "You _knew_ , Sirius! You _knew_ he would go and find Remus and would guess what was going on. And you still—"

"I know!" Sirius cried, jumping to his feet and staring at James, his face contorting in pain.

James felt a stab of sympathy as he watched his friend fight to keep his voice steady.

"I know what I did, Prongs!" Sirius continued, his usually smooth baritone voice quivering. "And I'm out of ways to tell you that I'm sorry. If I—if I could go back and change it I would. But I don't have a time turner and you lot are treating me as though I bloody killed someone—"

"You almost did," James spat, fury swallowing the crumb of compassion he had felt.

"And I bloody regret it!" Sirius bellowed, his hands shaking and his eyes bulging out of his head. He looked nearly demented and James thought, through the red screen which clouded his thoughts, that he really could see the resemblance between Sirius and the rest of his family.

"I've regretted it nearly every fucking minute since it happened!" Sirius shouted, his voice cracking.

"That doesn't change the fact that you did it, Sirius!" James cried, blood pounding in his ears as he glowered at his best friend. "You betrayed our trust—you're the reason that fucking Snape knows about Remus! You almost let Remus carry around the burden of killing a person for his entire bloody life!"

Sirius' face crumpled and James watched with a mixture of satisfaction and horror as his friend sank onto his bed, his face grey with defeat.

"I know," Sirius said quietly. "Believe me, I know. But, Prongs," he turned his pleading grey eyes to James, who met their gaze and couldn't bring himself to look away. "I can't even try to defend what I did," Sirius continued, his voice now devoid of emotion as his body sagged. "It was stupid, and cruel, and it ruined your trust in me and—and nearly destroyed Remus' life. Really, I don't blame you for being angry. _I'm_ angry with me. So you can yell at me, or not let me come out with you lot anymore, or say I'm like my family, or hit me again, but you have to know _I'm so fucking sorry_."

"I don't want to hit you again," James said, the boiling steam leaving his body. He felt limp as he collapsed on his own bed, staring at the crimson canopy. "I just don't understand why, Sirius. _Why_ would you do that?"

"He called me a coward for leaving home," Sirius said hollowly. "And I just—after everything—it was too much."

James said nothing. He continued to stare up at the scarlet draping above his bed. His mind jumped through different images; it went from Lily's tear streaked face that morning, to Snape's furious scowl while James pulled him to safety, and finally to the memory of a scared, angry Sirius arriving at his doorstep at two in the morning over the summer, rambling about his family and doing what was right.

"You need to ask Remus for his forgiveness," he said finally. "He's the one you hurt most in all this." He didn't look, but knew from the sound of weight shifting on sheets from the adjacent bed that Sirius had turned to face him. With more effort than he was willing to admit, James forced himself to keep his gaze on his bed hangings, and not turn towards his best friend.

"I know," Sirius replied tentatively.

"If he says you're forgiven, then—then I will too. And I can't speak for Pete, but I have a feeling he would follow suit."

"Prongs—"

"But," James continued doggedly, "I still don't—I don't know if we'll be able to trust you again."

"I'm going to make it up," Sirius said earnestly, shifting again in his bed. "I promise, whatever it takes—"

"And we need to tell Marlene something," James went on, swallowing hard as he cut off Sirius' promise. "She's jumping down everyone's throat, especially Lily's. And if there's anyone who doesn't deserve to be attacked here, it's Lily."

"Do we tell her about Moony?" Sirius asked nervously.

"No," James said firmly, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. "Just—just a story about why we were angry with you."

"Right," Sirius said slowly, shifting one last time. "We'll think of something."

"Yeah," James muttered, more to himself than anything. "We'll think of something."

They lapsed into silence, each absorbed by their own thoughts. James closed his eyes and pressed a palm to his head, trying to sort out the screams of his brain.

 _You can't just let him off!_

 _He's your best friend, he's said he's sorry._

 _He nearly killed someone! And he almost ruined Moony's life._

 _So let Moony decide._

Yes, he decided silently. Sirius' fate did not lay in James' hands, but in Remus'. He would let his friend make the decision, and James would stand by it. Merlin knew, Remus needed an ally more than Sirius.

As if on cue the door burst open and Remus and Peter fell into the room.

"I told you I'd beat you in a race, Moony!" Peter cried, wheezing heavily and clutching at his chest. "I told you."

"You had a head start," Remus argued, shaking his head. He looked up and immediately straightened when he saw James and Sirius collapsed on their beds.

"What's going on?" Remus asked cautiously, walking over to James and sitting on the corner of his mattress.

James sat up and tried to keep his expression neutral as he watched Remus' eyes flicker towards Sirius and back to his hands. "Er," James cleared his throat, unsure how to begin. "Lily wanted me to talk to Sirius."

"I see," Remus said mildly, raising his eyes to meet James'. In the adjacent bed Sirius sat up, though Remus did not spare him a glance now. "And did you talk to him?" the sandy haired boy asked, the corner of his mouth tugging downward.

James straightened his glasses while forming an answer in his head. "We—"

"I'm sorry, Moony!" Sirius cried from his seat, sitting bolt upright.

Remus' gaze intensified as he continued to inspect his palms. He showed no indication he had heard Sirius, but James saw his friend stiffen slightly, the pulse in his neck quickening.

If Sirius was discouraged by the lack of reaction his apology produced he didn't show it. Capitalizing on Remus' silence, he stood quickly and walked around the bed so he stood directly in front of his friend. Remus raised his head infinitesimally, his eyes now level with Sirius' shoes.

"Moony, I'm so sorry," Sirius said again, quieter this time. He bent down slightly so that he was in Remus' line of sight. "I was a prat, I was a monster, I was so stupid. And I broke your trust, and almost turned you into a killer and—and—a lot of other things, but I'm _sorry._ " Sirius' voice quivered as he bent lower still, so he now crouched on the ground, looking up at his friend who had not moved during the speech.

"Please," Sirius begged, his face crumpling into the same defeated expression he had worn before James earlier. "Please, I don't know how else to tell you how sorry I am, how much I regret what I did. I can't—"

"That's enough," Remus said abruptly, cutting Sirius off. He stood up and walked slowly past Sirius' still crouching figure over to his own bed, where he sat down with a heavy sigh.

From his perch on his bed, James glanced towards Peter, who stood by the door, and caught his eye. Peter raised an eyebrow nervously. James grimaced and they both turned their attention back to Sirius, who was staring at Remus.

"Moony," he whispered, sitting still and looking at Remus like an abandoned dog. "Moony, please, I—"

"I said that's enough," Remus said, the edge in his voice slicing through the room. James' eyes jumped back and forth between his two friends. From Remus, whose calm exterior he knew masked a river of anger and betrayal even deeper than James', to Sirius, who now looked even more lost than the night he had arrived at James' front door.

"Just let me—" Sirius pleaded.

"No," Remus snarled, his lip curling up and his eyes crinkling. He looked as though he were about to cry. "You don't understand, Sirius. I know you're sorry. I've bloody known you're sorry since last week _. I don't care that you're sorry._ "

Sirius looked as though he had been slapped. He rose imperiously to his feet, his mouth hanging slightly open as he stared at his friend. "Moony—"

" _Don't_ call me Moony," Remus trembled, drawing his knees up to his chest. Unlike James, there was no anger present in his face. There was no shouting or boiling rage or shaking fists. There was only dead calm, a sinking, lifeless look in Remus' eye as he addressed Sirius. "After—you can't—"

"Remus, I'm so sorry," Sirius said again, taking a step forward. "Please, just, can you find it in you to forgive me? You can still be angry, you can tell me not to join you for full moons, just tell me that you'll forgive me. That's all I want."

James watched as Remus' face drained of color. His grey eyes turned down to his thumb, where he was unconsciously picking at the skin so a small trail of blood had appeared, searing across the skin as though someone had sliced him with a knife. The pulse in Remus' neck punched out its beats and James saw his mouth twitch and tremble as he fought for control. He was always about control, James thought. It was the one thing Remus valued more than anything, the ability to control himself.

The room was silent except for the heavy breathing of the four boys, and the shuffling of Peter's feet. Three pairs of eyes rested on Remus, who steadily picked away at the skin around his thumb nail, as though trying to tear himself apart.

Still standing in the middle of the room, Sirius drew a deep breath and tried once more. "Please, Remus," he pleaded, his voice cracking. "Say you'll forgive me."

"No." Remus looked up now, his hand falling beside him. James saw a small dot of scarlet blood appear on the blanket. Remus didn't notice. His eyes landed on Sirius, full of sympathy and anguish. His mouth formed a hard line, unwilling to utter more than the one syllable.

A pounding in his chest made James aware that he had been holding his breath and he exhaled slowly, half his heart sinking as he watched the exchange.

Sirius stared dumbly at his friend, looking as though he had been smacked in the face with a broom. "Remus, I—"

"I think I'm going to go to the library," Remus said abruptly, standing mechanically and scanning the floor for his bag.

"I'll go with you," James said quietly, sneaking a glance at Sirius and immediately wishing he hadn't.

Sirius' face was grey and drawn. His eyes were wide as he glanced at each of his three friends, all steadfastly avoiding his gaze.

"No, I'll go," Sirius said with forced bravado. "You lot stay here. I'll—I told Marlene I would meet her later anyways, and—I'll just go."

No one answered and without another word Sirius jogged out of the room, not even bothering to take his bag with him.

James' eyes found Remus. He looked ill, staring at a spot on the floor. He had returned to picking away the skin on his thumb, ignoring the red stain appearing on his fingers.

"Moony," James said slowly, standing up and approaching him. "Don't—"

"You know I can't forgive him yet," Remus said, his voice sounding faraway. He turned his glassy eyes to James, pleading for understanding. "I just—" Remus closed his eyes and screwed up his mouth. James pretended not to see the moisture pooled in the corners of his friends eyes.

"I think I should go to sleep," Remus whispered in the same ghostly, faraway tone.

James nodded, deciding not to point out the fact it wasn't even eight o'clock yet. He took a step back and winced as Remus tore a hanging piece of white skin from his thumb.

"Yeah," James said offhandedly. "That might be a good idea." And he walked back to his bed and threw himself down upon it, feeling as though his heart had turned to stone.

The next day in potions James took his seat beside Lily feeling as though he had swallowed a bludger. She gave him a questioning look and her eyes flickered to Sirius and then to Remus, both of whom sat silently in their seats.

"Feeling better today?" James asked casually, trying to keep his mind off the awful weight in his stomach.

She raised her eyebrows and tore her eyes from Sirius' bowed head. "I suppose," she said, her green eyes crinkling in concern as they landed on him. James looked away. He had wanted to tell Lily about what had happened the night before, but now the time was here he found he didn't want to talk about it at all.

Her expression became more demanding, however, when Marlene trotted into the dungeons, her eyes narrowed as she made a beeline for Sirius.

"Sirius Orion Black, what were you thinking?" the brunette hissed as she took her seat in front of James and Lily. With a sharp thwack she took her textbook and cracked it smartly over Sirius' head.

"Ow!" he yelped, rubbing the spot on his skull where she had hit him. "What was that for, woman?"

"You know exactly what it was for!" she retorted. "Remus finally told me at breakfast why they're all angry with you and frankly I agree you were a prat."

"He what—"

While Sirius and Marlene commenced a hushed conversation, Lily turned to James expectantly. He raised his eyebrows and brought his hands up in surrender. "I don't know what Remus told her," he said earnestly, his eyes sliding past her and resting on his sandy-haired friend, who was chatting idly with Alice.

Lily's eyes narrowed as she watched Marlene lecture a subdued Sirius. "Whatever it was, it did the trick," she murmured.

"I, er, I talked to him yesterday," James said quietly, opening his textbook as Slughorn walked to the front of the room and threw a disapproving glance at Marlene and Sirius.

"And?" Lily prompted, keeping her voice low.

"It's—well, it's still a mess," James said, letting out a sigh and straightening his glasses as instructions appeared on the blackboard. "It's not fixed at all, really, but we talked."

Lily gave him a small smile and touched him lightly on the elbow. "You're trying to make it better," she whispered, taking out various ingredients from her potions kit.

"I don't know how much I can do," James admitted, following her example and taking out the items listed on the board.

"Why do you say that?" Lily asked, frowning slightly as she lit a fire beneath her cauldron.

"I told Sirius that Remus is the one he needs to ask forgiveness from," he said slowly, dropping his voice even lower so they wouldn't be overheard.

Lily nodded and leaned slightly closer to hear. In the shadowy dungeon her hair seemed to give off light.

"Er," he continued, realizing he hadn't finished. "And Remus said he can't forgive him right now."

"Oh," Lily said, furrowing her brow. "I see."

"You can't blame him, really," James said hastily, spilling a bit of dragon blood on the table. Lily cleaned it with a lazy flick of her wand and turned her gaze to him, her eyebrows knitted together.

"I suppose not," she said thoughtfully, the corners of her mouth pulling down into a frown. "If I were him I don't know if I would forgive him yet either."

James nodded, unsure of how to respond.

"But I think you can still do something to help make this right," she said gently.

"You think?" James asked pessimistically as he counted out scarab beetles and dropped them in his cauldron.

"Yes, I do," Lily said, watching him carefully over her cauldron. "You have a lot more influence over your friends than you think, James. I think you can use that to help them both see that there's a way to get past this."

"It's lovely you think that, Lily," James said gruffly. "But at the moment I'm not quite sure there is a way to get past this."

She only shrugged at this and they passed the rest of the lesson in relative silence, talking only about the day's potion, both deep in thought.

When the class ended Lily packed up her ingredients and hurried from the classroom, hoping to run into Connor in the corridor. He sometimes took a different route to care of magical creatures. Maybe, just maybe…

He wasn't there. Lily sighed. Though not usually one to make a habit of trying to catch boys between classes, she had been trying to find a moment to talk to Connor. She knew without a doubt that they were no longer dating. If his shouting hadn't been enough, then his careful avoidance of her over the last few days proved it. But Lily felt an overwhelming need to end things properly, to explain that she wasn't as terrible as he thought she was and extend a possible invitation of acquaintanceship, if not friendship. Lily hated the awkward and messy way they had split up.

She was so absorbed in her thoughts she didn't notice quick footsteps coming up beside her. It wasn't until Marlene caught Lily's elbow that the redhead noticed she was no longer walking alone.

"Lily," Marlene said brightly, her smile faltering when Lily only raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement. Her resentment towards Marlene had not quite dissipated yet.

"Yes?" she asked coolly, wiggling her arm out of Marlene's grasp.

"Er," the brunette mumbled, "Remus told me what happened between him and Sirius and why everyone's angry with him. He said Sirius snogged a girl he really fancied."

Lily stiffened. "Is that so?" she asked, picking up her pace slightly. On her other side Mary MacDonald caught up to them, though she took one look at her two friends' faces and promptly turned around to walk with Alice.

"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday," Marlene said, her brown eyes wide. "Really, I am. I was awful and I feel terrible about what I said—"

"I'll make sure to tell that to Connor when he decides to speak to me again," Lily snapped, wrenching the transfiguration classroom door open and sweeping inside. She dropped heavily into her seat and made a show of digging around in her bag until Marlene had safely deposited herself at her own desk and Mary sat down next to Lily.

"I've got something to take your mind of Mar if you'd like," Mary whispered, watching Lily warily.

"Please, go ahead," Lily said.

Mary grinned and scooted closer. "I don't have any real information yet, but something odd is going on with Sarah and Emmeline."

"They had a row, didn't they?" Lily asked, trying not to snap at Mary for fueling any talk about Sarah Carroll.

"That's what everyone is saying," Mary said, raising her eyebrows. "But it doesn't make sense, does it?"

"Mary, what are you on about?" Lily asked. From the front of the room, McGonagall ordered the class to take out the essays due that day. The two girls bent down to retrieve their essays from their bags, carrying the conversation on in whispers.

"I mean," Mary said, "you've seen Sarah angry. Don't you think, if there had been a row, we would all know?"

"We do all know," Lily pointed out, trying to hide her growing annoyance. "You just told me everyone says they've had a row."

"No, everyone _thinks_ they've had a row," Mary corrected her. "But that doesn't really fit. Neither of them seem angry. They're just…distant."

"I think you're making too much of this," Lily responded, taking out her quill and a roll of parchment as McGonagall began the day's lecture.

"Lily, I was friends with these girls for years," Mary said impatiently. "And I'm telling you, something's up. If they had a row there would be yelling and name calling and crying—"

"Miss MacDonald," McGonagall called out crisply from the front of the room, her eyes narrowed. "Perhaps since you seem so fond of hearing your own voice you would care to come up and teach the class for me?"

"Er, no, Professor," Mary muttered, turning red.

"Then I suggest you wait until after class to continue your conversation with Miss Evans," McGonagall said tartly.

"Yes, Professor."

Lily smiled at Mary's flustered face and shook her head. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Emmeline Vance, gazing dreamily out the window. Lily sighed and shook her head; she really didn't have time to worry about anyone else's life.

The day dragged on and after dinner Lily found herself walking into the library. She wandered around the vast room before spotting a sandy haired head bent over a table in the corner.

"Can I sit with you?" she asked, setting her bag down on the floor.

"Of course," Remus answered, offering her a wan smile. "Catching up on homework?"

"Er," Lily hesitated. She had been hoping to find Connor, who spent many evenings in the library, but that sounded pathetic even in her head.

Luckily, Remus wasn't paying much attention and had already turned back to his book. Spared the need to answer, Lily ignored the question. Instead, she remembered something she had been meaning to ask.

She leaned forward so her hair tickled the table. "So," she said, narrowing her eyes. Remus looked up at her, a bit alarmed to find her so close. "Everyone's angry at Sirius because he snogged a girl you fancy?"

A slightly guilty expression crossed Remus' face as he looked at her. "It's a plausible story," he said vaguely, marking the page in his book and closing it.

"Mhm," Lily murmured. "And does Sirius know exactly how plausible it is?"

"Well," Remus faltered, "well no, not in the way you mean—"

"Remus," Lily said exasperatedly. "You can't just say nothing and expect—"

"I don't expect anything," he snapped, his face darkening as he looked away from her. "If anything she's better off with him. He can give her more, be there more for her—"

"You can too!" Lily cried.

Remus shook his head sadly, twisting his fingers. "I couldn't," he said quietly. "And there's no point in ruining whatever she has with Sirius just because I'm—"

"But—" Lily paused, scrunching up her face in consternation. "Hold on," she muttered. "Is that why you're still angry with him? Because of this?"

"What?" Remus asked, opening his mouth angrily and then closing it again. He squeezed his eyes shut and put his hands to his temples. When he looked back at Lily, his grey eyes were empty. "Is that really what you think, Lily?"

"I—well, I don't know—" Lily backpedaled, appalled at his reaction. "I just, you see how it could seem—"

Remus sighed and slumped back in his seat. He paused for a moment and ran a hand through his hair like James did when he was upset. "You're not entirely wrong," he said finally. "But no, that's not why I said I couldn't forgive him. I—I don't know if I can trust him again after—" he broke off and put his head in his hands, grinding his teeth together.

When he had regained his composure, Remus lifted his head and looked directly at Lily. "No matter what happens with me and Sirius," he said slowly, "I don't want it to be over a girl. Not that Marlene's just any girl," he added hastily. "She's wonderful. But Sirius has been one of my best friends for five years. I can't—I owe it to him—"

"I understand," Lily said gently, thinking at the moment that Remus Lupin deserved to be made a saint.

"He was going to use me to get revenge on Snape, Lily," Remus said quietly. "He knew that if he succeeded, he would be the reason that my greatest fear came true. And he did it anyway. That—that's why I can't forgive him. Not yet. I need—I need time."

Lily nodded. "There's nothing wrong with that, Remus," she said. "You have every right to want that."

"But, Lily?" Remus said.

"Yeah?"

"Well, don't—don't be too hard on Marley, okay? She was just trying to be a good friend. She's protective over everyone, you know. And she—she just wanted everyone to be happy and she didn't know what had happened—"

"I know," Lily said quietly, feeling overwhelming shame over her iciness towards her friend earlier. "I think I need a little time too, though."

Remus nodded. He opened his mouth to say something else, but his gaze snapped to something over Lily's shoulder. Raising an eyebrow, she turned and found none other than Connor standing behind her, red-faced and staring at his feet.

"Hi," she said dumbly, half afraid he was there to yell at her again.

"Hi," he replied. "I, er, heard your voice and came over. Can I—or can we—you know, talk?" he looked up, speaking equally to her and to Remus.

"Er, yeah," Lily stammered, feeling her face heat up as she hurriedly began gathering her things off the table. "Here, we'll find somewhere, I'm sure there's a table—"

"You can stay here," Remus said, smiling gently at Lily as he quickly threw his books in his bag. "I was going to leave soon anyways."

"Are you sure?" Lily asked, feeling slightly guilty as Remus rose out of his seat. "I don't want to kick you out and you were here first after all—"

"It's fine, Lily," Remus said. "I'll see you later, alright?"

"Alright," she said. Remus turned and walked out of the library, leaving Lily and Connor alone, each fidgeting awkwardly, unsure of how to begin the conversation.

"Do you, er, want to sit down?" Lily asked, gesturing to the seat Remus had just vacated.

"Sure," Connor said, sinking into the chair. He lay his hands down flat on the table. Then curled them into loose fists, tapping the wood absentmindedly. Then he interlaced his fingers. Then he cracked his knuckles.

Lily cringed at the sound of Connor's joints cracking and she thought hurriedly over all the things she wanted to say to him. "I'm sorry," she blurted out, her face turning an even darker shade of red. "I should have told you I was with James the first night back, even though it wasn't anything like that and I wasn't supposed to tell anyone what had happened, but I feel absolutely dreadful about how—"

"Lily, it's okay," Connor said quietly, setting his hands back down flat on the table. "I'm sorry I shouted."

Lily nodded, frowning at the memory. "I don't blame you," she said. "Really," she looked up at Connor. His lovely brown eyes, like melted chocolate, drooped sadly. Lily felt a surge of sympathy towards him. "It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault. You're wonderful—"

"But I'm not James Potter," Connor said, smiling sadly at her. His eyes crinkled a bit at the edges, like they always did.

"Yes," Lily agreed absently before registering what he had said. She felt her blush spread to the roots of her hair and burn into her face as she brought a hand to her mouth in horror. "I mean no!" she cried, earning several irritated glares from other students nearby. "No, that's not what I was going to say at all!"

"But it's true, isn't it?" Connor asked gently. He didn't look angry, rather just a bit put-out.

"No," Lily insisted, trying to regain her composure. "That's not—he's not—"

"Lily, it's him," Connor said, chewing on his bottom lip. "It's always going to be him, everyone can see that."

"But it's not—" Lily paused and took a deep breath, sweeping a piece of hair from her face and trying to ignore the heat radiating from her face. "I suppose it doesn't matter much anymore," she said finally.

"I suppose it doesn't," Connor agreed, giving her a small smile. He took one of her hands and gave it a squeeze before rising from the table and slinging his bag over his shoulder. "I should go," he said. "I—that's all I wanted to say, really."

Lily nodded but didn't say anything.

"I'll see you in charms?" Connor asked, awkwardly extending a hand towards her. Lily shook it, hoping he felt just as uncomfortable as she did.

"Right," she said in what she hoped was a reassuring tone. "And, Connor? I'm glad we, er, ended on a better note."

"Me too, Lily," he said with an echo of a smile. Without another word he hitched his bag on his shoulder and turned to leave. Lily watched him go with a strange feeling washing over her chest. It felt like relief, but now she was even more confused than before. The joy she felt at knowing the enmity between her and Connor was gone was eclipsed by the consternation his words had caused.

 _It's him. It's always going to be him, everyone can see that._

Lily shook her head and began to gather her things. She needed to talk to someone. Not James, that was for sure. She needed to talk to her friends, to Alice and Mary…and Marlene. She didn't need more time. Lily wanted her friend. Marlene had been awful the day before but she had only been trying to do the right thing. And really, Lily reflected sadly, the ordeal with Connor had been a long time coming.

With a sigh Lily grabbed her bag and trekked out of the library to Gryffindor Tower. When she entered the common room it was packed. Sirius sat alone in front of the fire, jinxing gobstones to fly at younger students and spray their foul-smelling goo everywhere. Deciding against involving herself in Sirius' angsty diversions, Lily climbed up the spiral staircase to her dormitory, hoping someone was there.

All her roommates were in the circular room. Mary, Alice and Marlene were gathered on Alice's bed, practicing a new hair curling charm they had found in Witch Weekly. Sarah Carroll lay on her bed listening to WWN. On the bed beside her, Emmeline lay on her stomach, reading a textbook and chewing on the end of her quill.

Lily dropped her bag beside her bed and swiftly changed out of her uniform, throwing on a red jumper Petunia had given her two years ago that clashed abominably with her hair. Lily's eyes drifted to her bedside table and fell on the two pictures sitting on it, the one she had received for her birthday last year of her family, and her parents' wedding picture she had nicked from her dad's photo album. A drop of happiness and a wave of longing swept over her and Lily turned resolutely towards her three friends, approaching them warily.

The three girls looked up when she came over. Mary and Alice drew back slightly; Marlene stared at Lily nervously.

"Er, hi," the redhead said, biting down on her lip.

"Hi," Marlene answered, half her hair curled in perfect ringlets and the other half falling pin straight. The corners of Lily's mouth twitched up as she took in her friend's ridiculous appearance.

"I'm sorry I was horrible to you this morning," Lily said, biting the inside of her cheek. "I was angry."

"I'm sorry I told Connor you were with James the first night back," Marlene said, sitting up straight on the bed.

"I know you are," Lily muttered, sitting down beside Marlene. "I just—oh, sod it. I don't want us to be in a fight because the boys are. You were just trying to be a good friend."

"I went too far," Marlene admitted, a rare pink tinge appearing on her cheeks. "I—I really was awful, Lily. I just got so angry that nobody was telling me anything and I wanted to help Sirius—"

"I know," Lily said gently.

"I really am sorry about you and Connor," Marlene said earnestly. "Really, if you want I'll find him and tell him that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding and all my fault and he shouldn't blame you—"

"Mar, Connor and I broke up," Lily said.

"Well I know!" Marlene said irritably, glaring at Lily. "That's why I'm saying that I'll go find him—"

"No," Lily amended. "I mean we really broke up. I just talked to him in the library and we both said we were sorry and ended things in a rather nice way. But it's done. And, I think I knew this, but I wanted to be angry with someone so I was angry with you, but I think we would have broken up even if you hadn't said that."

"I'm still sorry," Marlene said. "I'm sorry even if it wasn't entirely my fault."

"I forgive you," Lily smiled, reaching forward and pulling her friend into a hug.

"So everyone's okay now?" Alice asked from behind them. Lily and Marlene both laughed as they broke apart.

"Yes, everyone's fine," Lily said. "I—I actually came up here wanting to talk to you guys."

"Because you missed me?" Marlene asked, dramatically throwing an arm around Lily.

"No, you idiot," Lily giggled, throwing her friend's arm off. "Because—well, Connor said something and it—I don't know what to think."

"What'd he say?" Mary prompted, twisting a piece of hair around her wand and holding it for a moment before releasing it into a perfectly coiled curl.

"Well," Lily hesitated. "He—I said he was wonderful and he got a really strange look on his face and said the problem wasn't really what happened the other day, the problem is that he's not James and apparently I'm supposed to be with James and everyone else knows it except me."

Three pairs of eyes stared at her as Lily exhaled slowly, her face warming up again.

Slowly, Marlene's mouth twitched. Then it split apart into a grin. And then it crinkled as she let out a wave of giggles.

"It's not funny!" Lily cried, wondering if she would be forced to revoke her forgiveness.

"Oh, honey, I'm not laughing at you," Marlene choked out between laughs. "I just—oh, Lily, you're so sweet. Of course that's what it looks like to Connor! He's been mad with jealousy since we've gotten back!"

"But did you hear what he said, Marls? He—"

"Lily, I think what Marley is trying to say," Alice broke in, pinching Marlene in the back and glaring at her, "is that you shouldn't take what he said too seriously. I mean," she exchanged a knowing glance with Mary, "you know after that scene last year when James announced to everyone that you told him—you know—"

"I remember," Lily said through gritted teeth, sinking back on the mattress.

"Well," Alice continued, "After knowing that, you can see how Connor would have some doubts, and then when we got back this year and you and James were chums all of a sudden—"

"I told him it was nothing!" Lily cried, throwing her hands up.

"Yes, I know, dear, but you can't expect Connor to think like that," Alice said calmly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "You can see how it would look to Connor as though you and James really are meant to be together and he's just some sort of distraction."

"But he wasn't—"

" _Lily, we know_ ," Mary cut in. "Nobody's saying that's what you were doing. That's just probably what Connor was getting at."

With a sigh, Lily covered her face with her hands. "Boys are the bloody worst," she moaned.

Marlene and Mary chuckled; Alice looked slightly affronted.

"Not all of them are," she said loftily.

"Oh, shut it, Fortescue," Marlene said, smacking her gently. "When you've got Frank—"

"You've got Black now," Alice responded evenly, not batting an eye as Marlene went very red.

"We're not officially—"

" _Officially,_ " Alice repeated wickedly, rolling off the bed as Marlene lunged at her.

"You're both mental," Mary called.

"Would you lot keep it down?" Emmeline Vance said irritably, throwing her quill down and glaring at the four girls.

"Sorry," Marlene grumbled, moving over so Alice could climb back on the bed. "Say, Em, where've you been getting around to lately?"

"Oh, you know," Emmeline said evasively, turning back to her book. "Out and about."

"Well that clears that up," Mary muttered, raising her eyebrows at Lily, who remembered their conversation in transfiguration and scowled.

"Say, girls, I'm knackered," Marlene declared, flopping down in the middle of the bed. "What d'you say we celebrate everybody being chums again with a good old-fashioned sleepover?"

"I don't think we'll all fit," Mary said dubiously looking around at the mattress on which the four girls were sitting.

"Nonsense," Marlene said airily, waving off the concern. "We'll curl up tight."

And so Lily found herself falling asleep that night curled tightly into a ball, with Alice's knee in her back and Mary's hair in her face.

It was the best night she'd had since returning to Hogwarts.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** A huge shoutout goes to **Nienna Art** for the fantastic new cover art! And as always, a huge thanks to **VileMalfoys** for being my beta and also to everyone who has reviewed, followed, or favorited this story. Honestly, your encouragement is amazing and always inspires me to write. And, if you are interested in seeing updates about Tell Me More and teasers posted a day or two before the chapter goes up, follow my Jily blog on tumblr! The url is **ohdeerjily**


	16. A Reason To Celebrate

September slid into October at Hogwarts. The grounds shifted from luscious green to crisp orange and red. Inside the castle, the roar of the beginning of term dulled to a hum, as students and staff settled into their familiar roles.

Lily woke up the Monday before Halloween to find a small scroll of parchment on her nightstand. She snatched it and untied the purple ribbon around it. As it unfurled and she caught sight of the purple writing, she knew what it was without even reading it.

 _Miss Lily Evans,_

 _You are cordially invited to attend a gathering hosted by Professor Horace Slughorn on the night of 31 October 1976. Dress code is formal._

 _RSVP regrets only._

Lily sighed and tossed the invitation into her trunk. She would go to the party, of course she would. She had to go. Slughorn liked her and a good recommendation from him next year could determine whether or not she found a job.

Lily pulled her robes out of her trunk and began to dress, glancing around at her roommates, who were just beginning to rise. She noticed scrolls identical to hers on Marlene and Alice's nightstands. Her eyes flew to Mary's and found it bare. A pang of guilt coursed through her as she pulled on socks. Mary deserved to go to the party as well.

Marlene and Alice, now out of bed, both snatched their scrolls of parchment and opened them excitedly. Alice's reaction was much like Lily's; she shrugged and tossed the parchment on her bed. Marlene, on the other hand, grinned widely.

"I love a good Slug Club party," the brunette exclaimed when they were all dressed and walking down the spiral staircase.

"I think you're the only one in the world who does," Alice remarked dryly, tugging at her skirt.

"I wish I could go," Mary said mournfully. She pushed her hair out of her face and stuck out her bottom lip. "Halloween's going to be so dull now."

"You can spend time with Pete," Lily said, squeezing Mary's shoulder in an attempt to be conciliatory. "I bet he'd teach you those chess tricks he promised to show us."

"Maybe not," Mary said dubiously as they crossed the common room and climbed through the portrait hole. "That hufflepuff fifth year he's been spending so much time with, Cynthia Abbott, she always gets invited."

"Pete's been spending time with a hufflepuff fifth year?" Marlene asked, raising her eyebrows. "Since when?"

"He was just telling me about it last night," Mary said, looking surprised at knowing a piece of gossip before Marlene. "I thought it was common knowledge."

"I haven't heard anything about it," Marlene said, looking around at Lily and Alice. They both shook their heads.

"I didn't know Pete has a girl," Lily confirmed, her mouth tugging into a frown. "Is it—"

"I don't know exactly what it is but he said he really likes her and I've seen them once or twice in the library," Mary explained. "But anyways, what I was saying, her grandfather is some famous herbologist so she always gets invited to Slughorn's parties. That's what Pete told me. And he said she's dropped some hints last week about asking him to the next one, which would be the one on Halloween. So it looks like I'll be all alone-"

Lily groaned loudly, cutting of Mary's whines. Her friends all turned to stare at her as she covered her face with her hands. "I didn't even think about asking someone," she moaned. For the first time since it had happened, she regretted her break up with Connor. The idea of finding someone to take to the party made her stomach churn.

"Take James," Marlene suggested airily. "You know he'll say yes."

Lily hesitated. As much as the idea appealed to her, she knew she couldn't ask James. They were friends; going to the party together would send so many wrong signals. And that was even if he said yes. After all, he had almost definitely been invited too and would want to ask someone else. And no matter what, going to Slughorn's party with James would entail a tangle of unanswered questions and ignored feelings that Lily had neither the strength nor the desire to unravel.

"Or take Remus," Alice said, interrupting Lily's thoughts. "He looks like he co\\\

uld use a party to cheer him up."

Lily's stomach unknotted itself and she smiled gratefully at Alice. Yes, of course. Remus was the perfect choice. And Alice was right, he had been exceedingly downcast the last month. His melancholic mood hadn't dissipated as everyone had hoped. Though she didn't say anything, Lily knew this was due in part to Marlene's close relationship with Sirius.

Nobody knew exactly what was going on between those two, but it had clearly surpassed platonic. They ate meals together and spent most evenings huddled together in the common room. The times Lily had joined them they appeared to be nothing more than close friends. Yet there were always little things: furtive smiles, hands on knees, small gestures that seemed insignificant but revealed so much. And she knew Remus saw every single one.

The girls entered the Great Hall and Lily spotted the pale, tired boy sitting with James and Peter at the Gryffindor table.

"Morning," Lily said as she slid into the seat beside Remus. Marlene sat on her other side while Mary and Alice sat across from them.

"Where's Sirius?" Marlene asked, looking pointedly at all three boys in turn as though trying to trick them into breaking their frostiness towards their friend.

"Dunno," James mumbled. He looked up from his plate and caught Lily's eye. She averted her gaze.

They ate quietly, chattering about Halloween and the Hogsmeade visit scheduled for the day after.

"If only it were last weekend," Alice complained. "I would have liked to have some new robes for Slughorn's parties. I'll have to wear my old silver ones now and they're much too tight."

"Oh!" Lily cried, remembering her earlier mission. She turned to Remus and hurriedly swallowed a mouthful of eggs. "Remus," she said.

He turned to her, eyebrows raised apprehensively.

"Slughorn's having a party the night of Halloween," Lily told him, "d'you want to go with me?"

"Er—" Remus flushed and looked down at the table, running a hand through his hair. "I'd love to, Lily, but I'm, er," he looked at her unhappily, "I'm visiting my mum the night before and—"

"Oh," Lily said, feeling her face heat up and kicking herself for not thinking to check that before asking him. "No, of course. I understand, don't worry about it."

"You're visiting your mum on a Thursday night?" Mary asked from across the table, furrowing her brow.

"Yes," Remus said, a bit defensively. His flush darkened. "It's, well—"

"It's too difficult to arrange travel the weekend of Halloween," James broke in smoothly, his eyes trained on Remus' scarlet face. "With the feast and everything there's just too much going on here and Mungo's is just as mad. Better to visit during the week."

Remus nodded, smiling weakly at James as he did so.

"Speaking of Halloween," Marlene said loudly, her fork suspended in front of her. "Pete, when were you gonna tell us about this hufflepuff?"

"Marlene," Lily said warningly, trying to reign her nosy friend in before the interrogation got off the ground.

"What's that got to do with Halloween?" Peter demanded, his round face going red.

Marlene shrugged and took a bite of eggs.

"You didn't tell them?" James asked, turning in surprise to face his friend.

Lily sighed and smiled sympathetically at poor Peter, who sputtered and sighed.

Peter's face was scarlet. "No," he mumbled, not making eye contact with anyone. "She's just a girl—"

"Pete, mate, you've been going on about this girl for ages," James said, raising his eyebrows.

"It's been ages?" Marlene cried, shock covering her face. "Peter, I thought we were friends!"

"We are," the embarrassed boy muttered, fidgeting. "There wasn't anything to tell."

"Nothing to tell!" Marlene squawked, staring at Peter with wide eyes. "But—"

"Give it a rest, you two," Remus said firmly, pointing to Marlene and James. "It's not like the two of you are pillars of honesty when it comes to who you're snogging."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Marlene demanded, her face turning pink.

Remus' mouth snapped shut and he turned back to his plate. "Nothing, just—never mind," he muttered, spearing a piece of ham.

Nobody said much for the rest of the meal. After breakfast Lily, Marlene, Alice, Remus and James said goodbye to Mary and Peter and made their way down to the dungeons for potions.

Sirius was waiting outside the dungeons when they arrived. Marlene broke away from the others and approached him. "Where were you during breakfast?" she demanded, trying to glare at him.

Sirius smiled sheepishly and brushed a piece of hair out of his eyes. "I went out for a fly this morning," he said quietly. "Help clear my head."

Marlene stared at him dubiously, but Sirius threw an arm around her shoulders and led her into the classroom before she had a chance to continue her questioning.

Lily followed them in, taking care not to glance at Remus. She slid into her seat and began unpacking her supplies, watching Marlene giggle and muss Sirius' hair.

James took his seat beside her without a word, though Lily could feel him looking at her. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and busied herself with retrieving her book and potions kit from her bag.

The dungeon doors burst open and Slughorn strode into the room, whistling merrily. "Good morning!" he called out, standing at the front of the room and beaming. "As you all know, today we're working on our Elixir to Induce Euphoria. I trust after last week's lesson you all have a basic understanding of the intricacies of this particular brew, correct?"

The class rumbled in consent. Slughorn rubbed his hands together. "Excellent, excellent," he said. "Now, you won't get all the way through today, but if you do well you should be able to get about halfway. The instructions are on page 72 of your books. Everybody pair up and begin!"

As Lily retrieved a cauldron and her mortar and pestle, James opened his copy of Advanced Potion Making to the indicated page, scanning the instructions. It was an outrageously complicated potion, full of tedious timing and careful measurement. James sighed.

Lily, on the other hand, fairly glowed with excitement.

"I'll measure out the rose oil and chizpurfle fang," she said, opening her potions kit and taking out several glass vials. "You start crushing the doxy eggs, it looks like we need seventeen."

"Alright," James answered, stifling a grin. Her enthusiasm for potions baffled him, but he did have to admit she was brilliant at it.

He took a deep breath and drummed his fingers on the table while she carefully counted out the doxy eggs. "So," he said, uncomfortably aware of how uncertain his voice sounded, "that's too bad Remus can't go to the party with you."

"Yeah," Lily sighed, shoving the eggs towards him. "It's a bit unfortunate."

"So, er," James faltered, running his hand through his hair again and wishing she would look at him. He grabbed one of the small, blue speckled eggs and began crushing to powder. "D'you know who you're going to ask? Now that Remus can't go, I mean."

"Not a clue," Lily replied, now slowly measuring out a thick, viscous gold liquid and pouring it in the cauldron. Her eyes remained glued steadfastly to her work.

James had the urge to seize her chin and force her to look at him.

"I almost wish I was still with Connor," Lily continued nonchalantly, putting away one of the vials and searching for another one. "At least then I always had a date."

James' stomach dropped, but he forced out a small laugh as he seized two more doxy eggs and pounded them to dust. "Yeah, that makes sense," he said lamely, keeping his gaze on the pestle in his hand. This was not going as he'd wanted it to, not at all. His stomach rocked uncomfortably as he tried to regain control of his nerves. Of course the one person who reduced him to a quivering, anxious mess was the one he most wanted to impress.

Lily finished measuring the liquid out of the second vial, a strange amethyst color that sat on top of the gold contents of the cauldron. She took her wand out and flicked it towards the mixture, causing it to smoke and turn a pale green color.

"But," James forced himself to continue, grinding the pile of eggs down to sand, "I'm sure you'll have no problem finding someone to go with."

"I hope that's true," Lily sighed, finally looking up at him over the smoking cauldron. Her green eyes blazed, though that might just have been from the heat radiating from the potion. Lily gave him a smile and raised her eyebrows.

James realized he was staring and hurriedly looked down at the table, where he had reduced the doxy eggs to a fine powder.

Lily reached out and carefully transferred the powdered eggs to one of her scales before dumping them in the cauldron. "I seem to have very few options, though," she said nonchalantly as she stirred the potion three times clockwise.

James exhaled; she seemed to be understanding him. She turned back to her potions kit and began rifling around in it before he could spit out the question he had been meaning to ask since he had woken up and read the scroll left on his nightstand. He had to ask now, before someone else did. But he didn't want to just up and ask out of nowhere.

"Here," Lily handed him a jar of puffer-fish eyes. "These need to be chopped."

James took the fish eyes and began cutting them into small cubes with his knife. He wanted to just blurt it out, to just ask her if she'd like to go to Slughorn's party with him. But what if that scared her off? What if it was too forward? He needed to work his way up to that, instead of just dumping the question on her. Yes, that was it, he had to drop some hints first.

"Well," he said slowly, pushing the pile of fish eyes towards her, "you could always go with a friend."

"Mhm," Lily muttered, counting out porcupine quills under her breath.

James took this as encouragement and opened his mouth to say he didn't have a date right then either, when Lily stopped suddenly and looked up at him, her green eyes gleaming. His stomach turned over.

"James, that's a brilliant idea!" she cried, beaming at him. The pile of porcupine quills in front of her sat forgotten.

"Er, really?" he asked tentatively. Had she really understood him so clearly? He racked his brains for what he had said. Had he asked her to go to the party with him and just didn't remember it? Did he do that terrible of a job of it that he didn't even remember? Or had she gotten his meaning when he said she could go with a friend? They _were_ friends now, after all, and she was incredibly smart.

"Yes!" Lily said enthusiastically. "I can't believe I didn't think of it before!"

James' face split into a grin at her excitement. He had thought he had a good chance of persuading her to go with him, but never had he dreamed it would be this easy.

"I mean," Lily continued, waving her hands about excitedly, "it doesn't say anywhere that I _have_ to go with a bloke."

"Absolutely," James nodded, silently congratulating himself at asking her so smoothly. "Wait," he paused and shook his head, "what?"

"I'll take Mary!" Lily said, grinning. "She's always wanted to go to one of these parties and I don't have anyone else to go with."

"Well—" James started, but Lily cut him off.

"Oh, it'll be such fun!" she exclaimed jubilantly. She threw her arms around him for an instant but pulled away quickly, a pink tinge creeping up her cheeks.

James wished he could sink into the floor.

"So who are you asking?" Lily queried, dumping the quills and fish eyes in the cauldron and picking up a gurdyroot, which she began to slice.

"Er," James paused. He could tell her what he'd been about to ask earlier. No, he wouldn't do that. Not when she was so excited at the prospect of taking her friend. He could make up a name and gauge her reaction. No, that wouldn't work either, then he would have to actually ask whichever girl he said. Finally, he just shook his head. "Dunno yet," he said with forced nonchalance, mussing up his hair and seizing a jar of scarab beetles. He smirked at her. "Maybe I'll go stag and steal someone else's date."

Lily slapped him lightly on the shoulder. "You would never," she said in a feigned scandalized tone, trying to look sternly at him but unable to hide her laughter.

James' smirk dimmed and he began to take out scarab beetles; they needed thirty eight. "No, I wouldn't," he said quietly. Lily's laughter subsided and James looked away, settling his attention on counting out the dried insects. "I might just skip the party and stay back to keep Remus company," he said airily, looking up to gauge her reaction.

Lily nodded, her long hair falling over her face as she continued to slice the gurdyroot. "He would like that," she said. "But," she cocked her head to the side and peered at him, "you should still try to go to the party." The corners of her mouth quirked up. "It'll be much more fun if you're there."

James grinned, his chest much lighter than it had been a minute ago. "Well, I am the life of the party," he said dramatically, his smile growing wider when she laughed.

"Oh no," Lily said seriously, setting the root aside and adding two handfuls of lavender to the cauldron. "I've forgotten the number one rule of being friends with you, never offer compliments. Or else your ego gets unbearably large."

James put a hand to his chest in mock distress. "That hurts, Lily," he said gravely, though his wide grin rather ruined the effect. "I'll have you know my ego is a healthy sized one."

Lily snorted, taking out a vial of salamander blood. "Your ego is as healthy sized as my sister's husband."

James wrinkled his nose. "Based on your tone I take it he's a—"

"A walrus," Lily supplied, her eyes twinkling. "Perhaps a bit larger."

"Are you calling my ego a walrus, Evans?" James asked, throwing a scarab beetle at her.

"No," Lily laughed, abandoning the vial and shielding herself with a textbook. "I'm just saying it's the _size_ of one—"

James chuckled and pelted her with scarab beetles until Slughorn came over, puffed out with indignation.

"Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, I expected better from you!" he said disapprovingly.

"S-sorry, Professor," Lily choked out, trying to suppress her giggles as she hurriedly began measuring out salamander blood again. "It won't happen again."

"I should hope not," Slughorn admonished, though he had already lost most of his severity.

Lily gave the potions master an apologetic smile and bent to check on their potion, which bubbled happily along.

"I trust I'll see the two of you on Halloween?" Slughorn asked, regaining his geniality as he eyed their potion, which was exactly the shade of magenta the book described.

"Of course," James answered, finishing counting the beetles and shoving the pile towards Lily. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Excellent, excellent," Slughorn said, turning to leave. "Now, mind you clean up those beetles before you leave for the day."

When he was out of earshot, Lily lapsed into giggles once again and cleared the floor with a flick of her wand.

They spent the rest of class attending to their potion, which ended up being a sunny yellow color and which Slughorn praised as "as close to perfect as you can get."

As they were filing out of the dungeon, James noticed a small, black beetle clinging to a strand of Lily's red hair. Grinning to himself, he reached out and gently extricated it, prompting her to turn around with raised eyebrows.

"Beetle," James said by way of explanation, holding up the offending insect.

"Oh," she said, turning pink. "Er, thanks."

"No problem," James answered, dropping the beetle to the ground and shoving his hands in his pockets as they walked to transfiguration.

When they reached the classroom, Lily shot him a small smile before dropping into her seat beside Mary.

Reaching his own desk, James watched as the two girls shared a quick, whispered conversation which concluded in Mary squealing excitedly and throwing her arms around Lily's neck. James grinned as he watched them; Lily's eyes shone as she smiled exuberantly at her friend. The pleasure on her face almost made up for the fact that she wasn't going to the party with him. And anyways, she had said it would be more fun with him there, hadn't she? She still wanted him to go.

Remus shifted in the seat next to him and leaned close to James. "I heard Alice say that Miles Pilchak invited Sarah Carroll to Slughorn's," he whispered.

The smile slid off James' face and his lip curled in distaste. "How did a prat like Pilchak get invited in the first place?"

"You just don't like him because he's friends with Goldstein," Remus said with a pointed look.

"He plays dirty in quidditch," James grumbled, taking his textbook from his bag as McGonagall walked to the front of the classroom. "Remember in fourth year when he almost knocked me off my broom?"

"You kept flying directly at him trying to make him drop the quaffle," Remus pointed out in an undertone, dipping his quill in ink as McGonagall began the day's lecture.

"He's still a prat," James muttered.

"Well he's not the one I was worried about," Remus continued. "Sarah's going to be at the party."

"So?" James asked. He took care not to pay attention to his ex-girlfriend. The memory of that relationship still made him flush from embarrassment.

"Well you know she might try to—I don't know—start something," Remus said, glancing quickly at James, who pretended not to notice. Neither said it, but James knew they were both thinking back to that dreadful party last year.

"I can handle Sarah," he said firmly.

Remus didn't answer and they spent a few minutes in silence, taking notes as McGonagall described the intricacies involved with conjuring. James glanced over at Lily and saw her and Mary huddled together, undoubtedly whispering about Friday's party.

"I take it she said no?" Remus asked gently.

James jumped and shook his head, the corners of his mouth tugging downwards. "I never got a chance to ask properly," he said, tearing his gaze away from the girls and ruffling his hair. "Maybe it's for the best, though. I don't want to—you know—scare her off or anything."

Remus nodded. At the front of the room, McGonagall concluded her lecture and instructed them all to take out their wands to begin practicing.

"Alright," Remus said with a sigh, glaring at his wand as he took it from his pocket. "Let's see how bloody terrible this goes."

The rest of the day passed easily and by the time dinner came, James was in good spirits. He helped himself to a large helping of potatoes and turkey and was in the middle chewing when Peter sat down, looking extremely pleased.

"What's up, Pete?" James asked, swallowing quickly and raising his eyebrows. "Or have you been practicing cheering charms in front of a mirror again?"

"I'm going to Slughorn's party," Peter announced proudly, puffing out his chest. "And I won't be crashing this time."

"Cynthia asked you then?" Mary asked from across the table.

Peter nodded.

"Excellent," James said, grinning and clapping his friend on the shoulder. "Pete's got a date!"

Peter mumbled something indistinct, though it sounded very much like "it's not a date," but James wasn't listening.

"And now we can all finally meet this bird. You've hardly let us be in the same room with her for weeks now!" he continued.

Peter went red in the face and mumbled into his robes.

"Are you afraid she'll like us better?" James asked, grinning playfully as Peter folded into himself.

"James, leave him alone," Lily chided, glancing sympathetically at Peter.

"I'm just joking, Lils," James said. He turned to Peter and gave him a hearty smile and another clap on the shoulder. "That's great, though, Pete."

"Thanks," Peter said, a smile blooming on his face. "But, er, Prongs?"

"Yeah," James said through a mouthful of potatoes.

"Can you and Moony help me decide what to wear?"

James stared for a moment and then threw his head back and laughed. "Of course, Wormtail," he said. "We won't let you down."

Friday evening found Lily in the sixth year girls' dormitory getting ready for Slughorn's Halloween party. It was a monumental night; for the first time, all six girls would be attending.

"I didn't know you were invited, Em," Mary said from the bathroom, where she was applying her lipstick.

"I wasn't," Emmeline answered, pinning her dark hair up into a twist. "Hestia was and she invited me."

"Oh, that's exciting!" Mary squealed from the bathroom, poking her head out to grin at Emmeline. "It's just like me and Lily!"

Emmeline gave Mary a small smile but didn't respond.

Sarah Carroll, clad in shimmery gold robes that looked as though they were a size too small, glanced haughtily at Lily, who sat on the corner of her bed while Marlene curled her hair magically.

"I was going to ask you about that, Lily," Sarah simpered, her cotton candy lips stretched in a thin smile. "I thought you were going to go with James."

"I don't know where you got that idea," Lily replied stiffly, tossing a lock of curled hair over her shoulder. "I never planned on asking him."

"I must have heard it from someone then," Sarah said sweetly, taking out a tube of mascara and flouncing towards the bathroom. "The whole school really thought you two were going to use this as an excuse to come clean."

"Come clean about _what_?" Lily demanded, narrowing her eyes. Behind her, Marlene laid a warning hand on her shoulder.

"Leave it," Marlene muttered, holding Lily down. "She's trying to get to you."

Lily glared at Sarah Carroll's retreating back, but didn't say anything.

"Come on, love, don't let Sarah ruin your night," Marlene chided. "Here, I've just finished your hair. Take a look in the mirror, you look fabulous."

Lily got up and peeked at the full body mirror someone had leaned against the wall. She wasn't sure if she looked fabulous, but she had to admit she looked very nice. Her bottle green dress robes went nicely with her eyes and Marlene had managed, with a liberal amount of Sleekeazy's, to tame her mass of red hair into a shiny cascade of curls that fell gracefully over her shoulders. With a grin she turned to face Marlene, who was putting the finishing touches on her own hair.

"Are we almost ready to go then?" Marlene asked, smoothing her navy blue robes. "I told Sirius I'd meet him in the common room at eight."

"We're just waiting on Mary," said Alice, who appeared from the bathroom in a set of dust pink robes, her blonde hair pinned back loosely.

"Oh, Al, you're stunning!" Marlene squealed, reaching out to touch one of Alice's curls.

"Don't, you'll mess it up," Alice said, slapping Marlene's hand away lightly and glancing in the mirror to ensure everything was still in the right place.

"I don't know why you're making such a fuss," Marlene grumbled. "You could show up stark naked and Frank would think you looked beautiful."

"I think he might actually think she looked even better if she showed up starkers," Lily added, grinning wickedly as Alice's face turned scarlet.

"You're both terrible," the blonde said, sniffing delicately.

"Only because we love you," Marlene replied. She strode to the bathroom door and poked her head in, bellowing, "Oy! MacDonald, let's go!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Mary cried as she rushed out, checking her reflection in the mirror and patting her hair. "Do I look alright?"

"You look great, love," Lily said, taking in Mary's appearance. She really did look lovely, with her light brown in loose waves falling down her back and her lilac robes embroidered with silver.

"Are we all ready now?" Marlene asked impatiently, her hand on the door.

Mary linked her arm through Lily's and straightened. "Ready," she announced.

They trooped down the spiral stairs, Lily and Mary arm and arm. Sirius and Frank were waiting in the common room, both wearing black dress robes.

Alice waved to her friends and took Frank's outstretched arm, huddling close to him as he gazed at her, a big, goofy grin spreading across his face.

"And she isn't even starkers," Marlene whispered to Lily, causing the latter to burst out in a fit of giggles.

"Alright, Lilybean? MacDonald?" Sirius asked, smirking as he approached the girls. His dark hair had been combed back and Lily noticed a crest on his black robes. It was silver, emblazoned with a stag and the words _et in nomen, in omni, nobilitate._

Marlene followed Lily's eyes and raised her eyebrows at the crest. "I didn't know she gave you that," the brunette said, her eyes flickering to look up at Sirius.

He shrugged and turned so the crest was hidden. "I threw out all my toujours pur ones, and she decided I couldn't go walking around like I just didn't have a family."

"What?" Lily asked, thoroughly perplexed by the entire conversation. "Who are you talking about? What did you throw out?"

Sirius watched her warily and then moved back so she could see the crest on his robes plainly. "This is the Potter family crest," he told her simply.

Lily's eyes widened in understanding as she glanced again at his chest, at the words. "So you threw out everything with yours?" she asked.

"That was never mine," Sirius said gruffly. "All the toujours pur bollocks was never mine; this one is, though." He straightened and adjusted the robes so the crest was in plain sight, the silver stag glistening in the candlelight.

"Are we ready to go?" Sirius asked, glancing back at Frank and Alice, who were huddled by an armchair, whispering. "I don't think they'll be leaving for a bit."

The four of them meandered down to Slughorn's office. When they arrived Sirius opened the door and bowed dramatically at Mary and Lily as they walked in. Marlene entered last and he grabbed her hand. Lily wasn't sure, but she thought he might have kissed her on the cheek as they entered the magically enlarged office.

The space was mesmerizing. Every inch was decorated in purple and black, with servers dressed as vampires walking around with trays of food. Students milled around, all dressed in their best robes.

"We'll catch up with you two in a bit," Marlene called as Sirius tugged her towards a small table in the corner. Lily waved and nodded. She and Mary made their way to a table standing against a wall. A waiter approached and offered each of them a glass of elf-made wine, which they took without a second thought.

Lily leaned against the table, sipping the sweet wine and letting her eyes wander around the room. She felt vaguely disappointed, though unsure why. Her eyes roved over the groups of students walking around. She spotted Connor at the opposite end of the room, talking seriously to an older wizard in purple robes; his eyes turned towards her and Lily looked away hurriedly, her face flushing. Emmeline Vance and Hestia Jones arrived together. They made an excellent pair, even their robes seemed to be coordinated, with Emmeline's forest green and Hestia's pearl grey. Sarah Carroll entered haughtily with Miles Pilchak, though thankfully he pulled her towards Connor before she saw Lily.

Lily's gaze meandered to Marlene and Sirius, sitting cozily in their corner, both laughing raucously at something. Lily frowned at her two friends. She loved that they were happy, really she did. But she felt that their happiness was isolating them, that she wasn't invited to take part in it.

"Do you think they're shagging?" Mary asked abruptly.

Lily turned and saw her friend was also staring at Marlene and Sirius with a similar look of consternation.

"I don't know," Lily answered, thinking of Remus and furrowing her brow. "I hope not."

"You don't like them together?" Mary asked, taking a large gulp of wine and swirling her cup.

"No, it's not that," Lily said thoughtfully, trying to find a way to explain her misgivings to Mary without sounding rude. "I just—I don't want them rushing into anything."

Mary nodded. "It'd really fuck things up if those two hated each other, on top of everything else right now."

"Exactly," Lily agreed, throwing back the last bit of her own wine and turning to look for another waiter. Instead she found herself turning to come face to face with James, clad in a set of black dress robes very similar to Sirius' except his were embroidered with gold. Lily's eyes jumped to his chest and found a crest identical to the one Sirius bore on James' robes.

"Hi," he said, smiling nervously, ruffling his hair.

Lily blinked before realizing she hadn't said anything yet, only stared at him oddly. "Er, hi!" she exclaimed, a bit too enthusiastic. James stared at her strangely and Lily felt a flush stain her cheeks. "We're, er, just having a drink right now," she said, gesturing to Mary, who had finished her glass of wine.

"Sounds like a good plan," James said, regaining his composure and leaning on the table beside them. "Get good and sloshed right at the beginning."

"Well, I'd rather not be completely pissed," Lily said, smiling. "Just enough to tell Slughorn truthfully I had a good time."

James laughed and they descended into awkward silence.

Lily fiddled with her bracelet. "So, er, no date then?" she asked.

"What?" James glanced at her, his eyes softening. His hand jumped to his hair and he smiled nervously. "Er, no. There wasn't anyone I particularly wanted to go with."

"Right," Lily muttered. Of course, there was nobody right now who James wanted to take to the party. The thought made her strangely happy. "Well good then, you can join our singles club."

James chuckled and mussed his hair up again, turning to scan the room. His eyes fell on Marlene and Sirius in the corner and his face crumpled in distaste. Lily saw his eyes narrowed and followed his gaze to the silver crest on Sirius' robes.

"He's got some bloody nerve," James muttered, turning back to the girls and grimacing.

Lily realized how bold of a move it was, really, for Sirius to wear the Potter family crest now, when he and James had barely spoken in over a month.

"I think he misses you," Lily said quietly as Mary flagged down a waiter and handed wine glasses around.

"Well he could be less of a prat about it," James murmured, taking a sip of the wine.

Lily didn't answer, but drank down half the glass of wine, her eyes trained on Sarah Carroll, who was talking animatedly to Connor and Miles.

"Stupid bitch," she grumbled.

"What was that?" James asked, raising an eyebrow as the corner of his mouth quirked up.

"Er, nothing," Lily said hurriedly. "I didn't realize I said that out loud."

Across the table, Mary snorted. Her face was flushed and somehow she had managed to procure a third glass of wine, which was nearly gone.

"Yes, Mary?" Lily asked, a bit defensively.

Mary, apparently all the more blunt under the influence of potent wine, raised her eyebrows and announced, "Well it's not secret you hate Sarah Carroll, Lilybean."

Lily's face went scarlet and she heard James stifle a laugh beside her.

"I don't _hate_ her," she said quickly, elbowing James in the rib. "I just think she's—"

"An all-around terrible person?" Mary supplied.

Lily sat there speechless, torn between wanting to disappear into the floor and wanting to wring Mary's neck.

"Well," the brunette said sagely, tipping her empty glass towards Lily, "I'm with you."

"Er, thanks, Mare," Lily mumbled, examining the table carefully.

James continued to chortle next to her. "I'm with you too, Lilybean," he said through his laughter.

Lily's head snapped up. "But you—last year—"

James shrugged. "We all make mistakes."

Lily frowned and turned back to the table, her mind spinning rapidly.

"Peter!" Mary squealed loudly, moving to embrace the newcomer.

"Er, hello," Peter said, looking a bit uncomfortable at the unusual greeting. The girl beside him, a small blonde with a snub nose and blue eyes, fidgeted.

"You must be Cynthia," Lily said, forgetting her own embarrassment as she attempted to minimize the stranger's. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too," Cynthia said, her eyes crinkling as she smiled. "You're Lily Evans."

"I am," Lily said, unsure whether it was a good or bad thing that the girl already knew her.

"This is James," Peter said, finally free from Mary's embrace.

"Nice to meet you," Cynthia said, inclining her head towards James. She looked rather nervous to be in the presence of the three sixth years.

"You too," James replied gently, smiling and holding out a hand which Cynthia took. "I've heard so much about you from Pete, I was wondering if I was ever going to be allowed to meet you."

Cynthia blushed and looked questioningly at Peter, who turned scarlet.

"I'm Mary," the inebriated girl said loudly. "Pleasure."

"Er, same to you," Cynthia said, recoiling slightly and looking nervously at Lily.

"Don't worry about her," Lily whispered. "She's plenty nice, just overdid it a bit on the elf-made wine."

"You two want drinks?" Mary asked, as though on cue.

"I think you've had plenty to drink already," James said, moving the wine glasses to the other side of the table.

"But the guests, James, the guests!" Mary cried, gesturing towards Peter and Cynthia. "They don't have anything!"

"We're okay for now," Peter said, wrapping an arm around Cynthia's shoulders.

They spent nearly an hour at the table, telling jokes and asking Cynthia more about herself. At some point James and Lily conceded that Mary could have one more glass of wine. Then one more glass turned into two, and then three, and then all of them were laughing loudly as James told the story of the time in first year he had tried to shave Mrs. Norris.

"Filch nearly murdered me," he chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye. "I think he would've too, if McGonagall hadn't found me first."

They all laughed and Lily took another sip of wine as Emmeline Vance and Hestia Jones walked by.

"Say, Cynthia," she said, looking at the hufflepuff. "What do you know about Emmeline Vance and Hestia Jones? None of us can get anything out of Emmeline about it and the whole thing is rather odd."

Cynthia made a face and set her wine glass down on the table. "I don't know much about her and Emmeline," the fifth year said in a stage whisper, looking over her shoulder. "But there's some stories about Hestia Jones, mostly just among hufflepuffs."

"What sorts of stories?" Lily asked, thoroughly intrigued.

"Well," Cynthia hesitated, then shrugged. "She's a bit odd just in general but there are rumors about her and Elizabeth Bones last year. I remember because she kept threatening people not to tell anyone and one boy almost told Bertha Jorkins and Hestia got a week of detention for hexing him."

"What did he almost tell Bertha Jorkins?" Lily asked, furrowing her brow.

"Er, the rumor was that Hestia and Elizabeth were meeting after charms every day to snog behind the fourth floor tapestry," Cynthia said quickly, turning a bit red.

"Oh- _ooh_ ," Lily said slowly, turning back to look at Emmeline and Hestia.

"So you're saying—" Mary began, hiccupping.

"Yes, and you mustn't tell anyone," Cynthia said with finality, picking up her wine glass to indicate that the discussion was over.

Lily's mind reeled. She glanced over at James and was relieved to see that he looked even more shocked than she did, staring at Emmeline Vance with his mouth hanging open.

"Is that—is that something quite normal for wizards?" she asked quietly, leaning towards him so only Mary could hear.

"No," he said in a dazed voice, still staring at Emmeline and Hestia. "Not at all. I didn't—Merlin—"

"It's rather taboo with muggles," Lily whispered. "I mean, obviously everyone knows that people like that exist, but—"

"You knew?" James asked, his eyes snapping back to her.

Lily furrowed her brow. "Yes, of course I knew that some girls like girls," she said, trying hard not to sound condescending. "It's sort of common knowledge now, isn't it?"

James raked his hand through his hair, his eyes wide as they wandered back to Hestia and Emmeline. "I—no, it's not, at least not here."

"Are you telling me," Lily said sharply, "that up until now you had no idea that some people—"

"I knew it was possible," James said. "But never that people like that were—real—"

"Did you think they were made up?" Lily asked slowly.

James looked at her in surprise. "I don't know," he replied, frowning at the table. "Obviously I knew they existed, but everybody just—nobody ever talks about them."

"There have to be others though," Lily insisted. "Surely there's—"

James shook his head. "No, all the prominent families are the traditionalist purebloods. Something like that isn't tolerated. Everything's about preserving the family line, keeping the family name going. You have to be—you know—married—to the opposite gender in order to accomplish that."

"They can't be the only ones who are in the public eye though," Lily said hotly.

James cocked an eyebrow. "You've seen the Prophet, Lily," he said quietly. "You know who controls what's said. And really, I didn't know there were real squibs in the world until I came here and saw Filch."

"But, this is so much more—and your parents!" Lily hissed. "They're not part of the traditionalist pureblood bunch, surely they don't have those ideas."

"My parents are fairly detached from the pureblood mania," James acknowledged. "But this isn't even just a pureblood thing, Lily. It's just—nobody talks about it. They're not—I don't think I've ever heard my mum or dad say anything against this. They just—never mention it."

Lily stared at him and then allowed her eyes to drift back towards Emmeline and Hestia, who were sitting together at a small table, much like the one Marlene and Sirius occupied.

"As long as they're happy I don't see why it matters," James said beside her. "I mean really, it's no different than the argument against werewolves, or against muggle-borns. People don't like it because it's different, but as long as they're happy, who cares?"

"Mhm," Lily mumbled, giving him a small smile and putting her hand over his on the table. "I'm glad you think that."

James grinned at her and Lily quickly removed her hand, staring at the table. Her face burned, though she told herself it was just from the wine.

"We should go," she said quickly, moving around James and taking Mary's arm. "It's getting late."

"I'll walk you back," James murmured.

"No," Lily said. "We can manage."

"Lily it's late and Mary's gone and you're not exactly sober," James said in a tired voice, frowning at her. "And you know that some people would like an opportunity to attack you, so please, just let me walk you back."

Lily cursed inwardly. He had a point.

"Fine," she said, avoiding his eyes as she tugged Mary forward. "Bye, Pete," she said, smiling in his direction. "And it was lovely to meet you," she called to Cynthia.

"Bye, Lily," they said.

With Mary leaning heavily against her, Lily followed James to the door, where they were waylaid momentarily by Slughorn.

"I trust you had a good time?" the potions master asked, his face pink.

"It was lovely," Lily said with a smile, hoping tonight wouldn't be a night Slughorn decided he wanted to have a chat about her future.

"Well, off to bed with you then, my girl!" he said loudly, chortling at his own response and waddling away, humming some unknown song.

They exited the office and Lily hitched Mary's arm around her neck. "Bloody hell, Mare," she growled, "you could've gone a little easier on the wine."

"I wanted to have a good time," Mary mumbled into Lily's hair, her legs plodding sluggishly so that Lily was forced to slow down.

"Here," James said, nudging Lily's arm away and picking Mary up in one swift motion, tucking her head into his chest. "We can go much faster if I just carry her," he said in answer to Lily's questioning look.

She nodded and didn't say anything. They walked in silence through the corridors, which were eerily dark with strange shadows playing on the stone walls. Although she wouldn't tell him for a hundred galleons, Lily was extremely glad that James was with them.

"Lilybee," Mary called out, holding a hand towards Lily. "You're great."

"You're pretty great too, Mare," Lily said, taking her friend's hand.

"You're great too, James," Mary slurred, looking up.

"Thanks," James mumbled, turning his attention towards the wall.

Lily laughed quietly and let go of Mary's hand. They approached the portrait of the Fat Lady and James set Mary gently on her feet, keeping a hand on her shoulder to ensure she kept her balance.

Lily gave the password and they climbed through the portrait hole.

"Thanks for walking us back," Lily said when they were standing in the common room and she had an arm firmly around Mary.

"No problem," James said, ruffling his hair. "I—it wasn't that bad of a party."

"No," Lily agreed, smiling. "It was rather fun, in fact. See, I was right that it would be more fun if you were there."

"What happened to not offering compliments?" James asked with a grin. "I thought my ego was the size of a—what was it? A hippopotamus?"

"A walrus," Lily corrected, giggling.

James shrugged good-naturedly. "I was close."

"You were not close, you git!" Lily exclaimed. "A hippopotamus is nothing like a walrus."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, his eyes glowing. "And what's the difference, Miss Know It All Even Though She's Tipsy?"

"The difference," Lily said seriously, "is that a walrus has tusks and a hippo doesn't."

"I'll remember that," James said, equally serious.

Lily laughed and Mary mumbled something incomprehensible. "I'd best take her upstairs," Lily sighed. "She's going to have a rough day of it tomorrow."

"Give her water," James advised.

"Right," Lily muttered, beginning to hoist Mary up onto the first step of the spiral staircase. "Thank you for everything," she said suddenly, looking up.

"Not a problem, Lilybean," he said, giving her a lopsided smile. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, James," she said.

He turned and walked to the staircase on the opposite end of the room, disappearing quickly. Lily sighed as she and Mary ambled slowly up towards their dormitory. When they arrived, Mary collapsed on her bed, not even taking off her dress robes. Lily fetched a glass of water and placed it on Mary's nightstand before tearing off her own dress robes and climbing into bed, falling asleep quickly.

All the water in the castle couldn't have saved Mary from the raging hangover which plagued her the next day. Lily had to drag her out of bed so they didn't miss the carriages into Hogsmeade. But it was with laughter that Lily recounted the events of the party to Alice in the Three Broomsticks later, as the blonde had arrived late with Frank and therefore missed meeting Cynthia and hearing about Emmeline and Hestia. The girls sat at a big table in the pub with Mary, whose face was covered by a large pair of sunglasses Lily had loaned her.

"My head is absolutely pounding," she complained, massaging her temples.

"Six glasses of elf-made wine will do that to you," Lily said, shoving another butterbeer in front of her.

"Why did you let me drink all that," Mary whined, pouting.

" _Let you?_ " Lily cried out. "You practically wrestled the glass out of my hand!"

"Now everyone probably thinks I'm a bloody alcoholic—"

"Alright, MacDonald?" the voice of James Potter rang out. Lily turned to see James, Peter, and a very pale Remus standing behind her.

"I feel awful," Mary groaned, turning a bit pink behind her sunglasses.

Lily smiled sympathetically at her friend and turned to the boys. "Hello there," she said evenly, sliding over to make room for them.

"Hi," James said, sitting next to Lily. "And how are you doing after last night?"

"I'm fine," Lily said loftily. "You make it sound as though I had been keeping up with Mary."

" _Hey!_ "

"You had your share," James said, grinning as Lily smacked him in the shoulder and Mary glared at them both indignantly.

"How are you doing, Remus?" Lily asked, turning to the sandy haired boy, who had been staring at something over her shoulder, his face thoughtful.

"Fine," he answered vaguely, not taking his eyes off whatever he was looking at.

Lily turned and let out a big breath when she saw what had captured Remus' attention. She should have guessed. Marlene and Sirius sat at a small table in the corner of the bar, both looking tired but happy as they sipped butterbeer.

"Remus," Lily said softly, reaching a hand out.

"It's fine," he said in a tight voice, turning his grey eyes to her. "Really, it's fine. How was the party last night?"

"Er, good," Lily said slowly, still watching Remus carefully. "We met Cynthia. She was very nice."

"Yeah?" Remus asked, taking a sip of his drink. His eyes once again drifted back to Marlene and Sirius. "I'm sorry I missed the chance to meet her."

Lily turned to James and raised an eyebrow. He only shrugged.

"She's going to meet us here in an hour," Peter chirped.

Remus nodded, not even glancing at Peter. "I look forward to it."

"We can move tables if you want," Lily said pointedly, trying to keep her voice patient.

"No need for that," Remus responded quickly, his face flushing as his attention snapped to Lily.

A gush of cold air swept through and Lily felt James stiffen beside her as he turned around. "Oh no," he muttered, staring at the door.

Lily turned to look and didn't understand what was so bad. A man had entered the pub, wearing a thick black cloak and looking around for a place to sit. He looked perfectly ordinary, or at least, as ordinary as a wizard could look.

"Who is that?" she asked quietly, watching as Sirius' eyes landed on the man. He immediately straightened, and pushed his chair out. Lily could see his hands forming fists at his side. The man, who had thick grey hair combed neatly off his face, and piercing grey eyes, stepped further into the pub. A flash of silver on his cloak caught Lily's eyes and she made out the words _Toujours Pur_ and she let out a gasp, realizing who it was.

Sirius, his face hard, stood up mechanically and approached the man. His eyes blazed. Everyone around Lily sat still, holding their breath as they waited for the explosion.

"Father," Sirius said coldly, his face crinkling in disgust. "What are you doing here?"

Orion Black glanced down with a look of mild repugnance, as though he had just been addressed by a toad. "I'm here for my son," he sneered, pushing past Sirius roughly and striding towards a group of slytherins in the back.

Sirius stumbled slightly but regained his balance quickly. He stood stock still and watched his father's back, his face rigid.

"Dad!" Regulus Black cried out, jumping up and embracing his father. "What are you doing here?"

"Hello, Reg," Orion said, his sneer twisting into a smile as he let go of his younger son. "I had business here today and mum said you mentioned that you lot had an outing today. Come, we'll find a different place that's not filled with such scum," he glanced viciously back at Sirius, who still stood rooted in the same spot.

Sirius' mouth twitched; for a moment he looked as though he were going to cry. Now that she thought of it, Lily had never seen Sirius cry, not even when his friends were ignoring him.

"I'll get you and your friends a proper drink," Orion said, addressing Regulus and his friends.

The slytherins filed out of the pub, their faces glowing haughtily. Sirius still stood in the same spot, staring at the door through which his father and brother had left. Slowly, he walked back to the table and sat down. His face crumpled; he looked broken, like a man who fought one battle too many in a war he did not believe in.

Marlene put a reassuring hand on his shoulder; Sirius shook it off.

Lily turned to look at the three boys sitting with her. All were ashen-faced. Beside her, James was staring at his best friend with a pained expression, his mouth fighting to stay in a neutral line.

The sound of a chair scraping against the floor shook them out of their reverie and Lily looked up to see Remus rising. Without a word, he pushed his chair in and made his way to the table where Marlene and Sirius sat. Slowly, Remus sank down into the chair beside his friend and put an arm around Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius raised his head to look at his friend for a moment and then launched himself at Remus, tackling him in a hug, which Remus returned.

"I'll be damned," Mary MacDonald said.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Sorry this took so long, school has gotten very challenging, so thank you all for being patient. Also thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews and I hope you like this chapter!


	17. The Eye of the Storm

The Gryffindor common room was crowded, but James barely noticed. He sat on a sofa near the fireplace, with Lily at the other end and Marlene between them. Mary and Peter sat together across from them, Peter inching nervously towards the edge. The five were all silently turned towards a pair of armchairs next to the window overlooking the grounds; in the chairs sat Sirius and Remus, who had been holding a fervent, hushed conversation since they had returned from Hogsmeade nearly two hours ago.

James checked his watch and sat back, wondering what was being said. After the scene in the Three Broomsticks, Remus and Sirius had sat on the ground for a full minute, until James' shock wore off and he regained his sense enough to suggest they all go back to the castle. The walk back had been uneventful. Sirius and Remus lagged behind, Sirius waving Marlene away when she tried to approach. When they had reached the common room Sirius and Remus had made a beeline for the armchairs and immediately began talking quietly while the others took their seats on the sofas and waited.

James bit the inside of his cheek as he watched his two friends. Sirius seemed to be apologizing again. His grey eyes were slightly widened and his bottom lip stuck out as he whispered and made big, sweeping gestures with his hands, motioning first at himself and then at Remus.

Remus' face was more subdued than usual, but it was devoid of anger or bitterness, which was an improvement from the last time he and Sirius had talked. James grimaced at the memory of that awful conversation in the dormitory.

He watched as Remus ran a hand through his hair, the corners of his mouth pulled downwards. Sirius leaned forward slightly and laid his hands on Remus' shoulders, his face pleading like a lost puppy.

Remus' hand dropped from his hair and landed at his side. He raised his eyes to meet Sirius' gaze. He eyed Sirius warily, biting down on his lip. Slowly, he nodded his head, his mouth twitching momentarily into an almost imperceptible smile.

Sirius' face relaxed, the worried lines smoothing into relief, and he pulled Remus forward roughly into an enthusiastic, crushing hug.

James' heart swelled as he watched his friends. Maybe everything was really going to be okay and he would have his two friends back. He watched Remus' face turn pink as Sirius' mouth moved in excited apologies. James smiled.

Marlene nudged him in the rib, jarring him from his observations. "Do you think they'll really be okay?" she whispered, nodding towards Sirius and Remus.

James turned and looked down at his friend. As he did so his eyes swept fleetingly to Lily, who was watching Sirius and Remus intently from her perch at the end of the couch. His chest tightened once more at the thought that she was just as invested in his friends' happiness as he was.

James shook his head and turned back to Marlene. Her brown eyes were wide as galleons as she looked at James, her face screwed up in apprehension. He felt a surge of sympathy for her; the rift between the Marauders had been just as hard on Marlene; they were all her best friends too.

"Yeah," James said, giving her a small smile and ruffling his hair as he turned back to watch Sirius and Remus, who had broken apart and were now talking again, "I think everything's going to work out." He leaned back and put an arm around Marlene, pulling her into half a hug like he used to do when they were younger. He had missed her. She always knew how to make him laugh, and he really could use her help now that he and Lily were back on speaking terms.

"I'm glad this is finally getting patched up," Marlene said evenly, leaning back and smiling warily. "We can all be chums again now. I thought for certain this was going to be a replay of last year, when you two could barely be within a meter of each other," she gestured to James and Lily.

James bit the inside of his cheek again and chanced a glance in Lily's direction. Her attention had snapped to him and Marlene at the mention of her name and her face glowed scarlet. James had a sneaking suspicion that his own face had gone red as well.

Lily stared at her shoes and tugged at a piece of hair as she chewed her lip. Her face was screwed up in embarrassment and James felt a pang of sympathy. She looked as though she wanted the floor to swallow her up.

James meant to look away, really he did. The last thing he wanted to do was compound Lily's embarrassment by staring at her. But somehow he found himself searching her face for something. He didn't know what exactly he was looking for, just…something that would give him a clue how she felt.

Lily's eyes flitted up and met his for a second. They both looked away hastily, flushing from the memory of last year. Between them, Marlene simply rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Sirius and Remus, who were whispering again.

James angled his body away from the girls and stared at a spot in front of the fireplace as he picked absently at the sofa's upholstery. He had tried to block out any memories of last year's rift with Lily, particularly that terrible afternoon in the charms corridor last spring. Even now the echo of the words he had said, in front of a crowd no less, made James hang his head in shame. He wanted to forget how big of a prat he'd been to her. And aside from that, they had agreed to start fresh and try to be friends. He intended to honor that.

James felt Marlene's weight shift on the sofa and heard her ask Lily about a muggle song that had been playing in the dormitory earlier. He let out a small sigh and ground his teeth as he readjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose. He looked towards the window, where Sirius and Remus were caught up in their conversation. For a moment James considered walking over to them and asking to be let in the discussion. But no, he decided. This rift had to be patched up by Sirius and Remus alone. However much time it took to repair their friendship, he would give them that.

James' eyes traveled to Mary and Peter, who were engaged in a debate over chess strategies. Mary glared down at Peter, whose face had gone red.

"Are you sure that's what she said?" Marlene's voice rang out. James turned and saw her mouth wide open as she gaped at Lily, who was nodding furiously and trying to shush her.

"Yes!" the redhead hissed, pulling her friend farther down the couch and lowering her voice. "But we can't tell anyone and really as long as they're happy together—"

She was talking about Emmeline and Hestia, James realized. He had almost forgotten about that particular revelation. He sat back and leaned his head against the sofa, closing his eyes. Flashes from the night before came back to him, scenes he both wanted to hold tightly to his chest and also erase completely. Lily giggling madly as she drained her third glass of elf-made wine, Lily glaring as Sarah Carroll talked to bloody Connor Goldstein, Lily standing in the common room, slightly disheveled, and lecturing him about the difference between a walrus and a hippo.

These thoughts worried him; these little moments he and Lily seemed to share now, they brought to mind all too clearly memories of the previous summer. For the sake of beginning fresh with Lily, James had tried valiantly since they had returned to Hogwarts to forget about last summer and pretend there had never been nothing but comradeship between them. They were friends now, nothing more, nothing less. And if he didn't control his thoughts, if he let those happy, crystalline memories of that wonderful summer wash over him, it was almost enough to make him wish…

James shook his head sharply and sat up, glancing around to be sure nobody had seen him start. He and Lily were strictly friends now, he reminded himself firmly. It had taken long enough to convince her to accept his friendship. It would be foolish to hope for anything more.

He turned to face the two girls. Lily wore a gentle smile and she was speaking quietly to Marlene. James listened closely and caught a few words, which sounded very similar to what Lily had told him last night.

"…there really are lots of people like that, Mar, it just seems that they don't come forward in the wizarding world…"

James smiled and moved down the couch so he was right next to Marlene. She felt him move and whipped around, her face screwed up in shock.

"Did you know about this?" she demanded. Behind her, Lily raised her eyebrows and suppressed a grin. James felt the corners of his own mouth quirk up as Marlene stared at him incredulously.

"I just found out about it last night," he said, shrugging. He caught Lily's eye over Marlene's shoulder and his smile grew even broader. "It's not a big deal, Mar. I mean, really, there are lots of people—"

"Oh, you're full of it, Potter!" Lily cried, laughing as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. "You were more astonished last night when you found out than she is!"

"But what do you mean there's lots of people like this," Marlene said, refusing to be distracted. "I've never heard of a real person—"

"I've never heard of a gay wizard either, but there are plenty of gay muggles," Lily shrugged, letting a smile slip through as she watched Marlene's expression morph from shock to confusion.

"But no one ever—"

"No one ever talks about it, I know," Lily said in a bored voice, rolling her eyes. "This one," she gestured towards James, "told me all about that last night. But listen, I'm serious, it's really not that big of a deal, alright? And we're not supposed to know so we can't just go around asking Emmeline about it—"

"How did you find out?" Marlene asked quickly, a wicked grin appearing on her face. "You didn't catch them did you? Oh, were they in that one broom closet on the third floor—"

"No, I didn't catch them, you git!" Lily hissed, smacking Marlene on the shoulder. "Cynthia told me!"

"Peter's Cynthia?"

"She's a Hufflepuff," James cut in, nodding authoritatively. "Apparently there have been rumors about Hestia for a bit."

"Fancy that," Marlene said, leaning back heavily against the couch. "I never—"

"Oy, Prongs, Wormtail!" Sirius bellowed from his seat by the window. James turned and saw him and Remus standing, looking tired but wearing small smiles. "We're going up to the dormitory," Sirius called in a tone which clearly implied James and Peter were expected to join.

James looked at Peter and nodded before rising off the sofa. He ruffled Marlene's hair and received a piercing glare. "Duty calls," he said, waving at the girls.

"Tell Remus he has to sit by me at breakfast tomorrow," Marlene said, smoothing her hair. "I haven't properly talked to him in ages."

Lily snapped her attention to Marlene at this, and James watched as she furrowed her brow and pursed her lips.

"Maybe because you've been too busy snogging Sirius," James replied evenly, raising an eyebrow and looking away from Lily, who snorted at his remark and relaxed, leaning back against the sofa.

Marlene's cheeks turned pink and her brown eyes narrowed threateningly. "Careful, Jamesy, she said. "Remember I haven't yet had the chance to show Lily that wonderful photo album my mum's got on the mantle at home."

The smile slid off James' face. Lily sat up straighter and looked between him and Marlene, her eyes shining brightly as she laughed. "What photo album is this?" she asked, smirking at him.

"Nothing," James said quickly, running a hand through his hair. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Peter standing at the base of the spiral stairs, waiting for James to join him so they could go up to the dormitory. "Really, it's nothing, don't worry about it. Marlene's just trying to make it look like—"

"When James and I were about three I would always want to play dress up," Marlene said loudly, talking over James and turning to Lily with a mischievous grin. "I had a bin full of my mum's old dresses and it was boring to play alone, so when James and his mum would come over—"

"We were three!" James exclaimed, glaring daggers at Marlene as a red flush crept up his neck. "And I can't believe my mum took pictures of it—"

Lily threw her head back and let out a peal of laughter. "You'll have to show it to me when I visit over Christmas holidays," she said to Marlene, her shoulders still shaking from mirth. "That's something I have to see."

"Right, well, if you two are done taking the mickey out of me," James huffed.

"Oh, you know it's only for fun, Jamesy," Marlene said airily, wrapping an arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Of course, _Jamesy_ ," Lily added, grinning at his scowl as she put extra emphasis on the nickname. "You know we would never seriously make fun of you for something like dressing up in Marlene's mum's old dresses." The two girls smiled sweetly up at him, their eyes widened innocently.

James glared at them and made a rude hand gesture. "Well I'm going before you come up with any other brilliant plans to embarrass me," he muttered.

"Goodnight," the girls chirped, giggling madly as James turned on his heel and strode towards Peter, who seemed to be having a hard time keeping a straight face.

"Not a word," James grumbled as they ran up the stairs. His face still felt warm and he knew his ears must have gone red. Behind him, Peter stifled a chuckle and James ground his teeth. He was going to kill Marlene tomorrow.

He and Peter walked tentatively into the dormitory, unsure of what kind of scene they would find. To James' relief, Remus and Sirius were both sitting on the floor, looking a bit uncomfortable but happy nonetheless.

"So, everything's okay?" James asked, running a hand through his hair and looking between his two friends.

Sirius gave a tight lipped smile and looked nervously at Remus, who looked up and bit his lip. "It's starting to be," he answered, meeting Sirius' eye and smiling. "It—I told Padfoot—we're family. You lot are my family and family forgives each other."

James nodded, his eyes travelling to Sirius, whose face had split into an enormous grin. He threw an arm around Remus and pulled him into a hug. James looked over at Peter and caught his eye. Without a word, both boys walked to their friends and sat down beside them.

"We really are a family," Peter said quietly as Sirius released Remus. "I mean, we're all like brothers."

"And we'll always find a way to forgive each other," Remus said, glancing affectionately around. He turned to Sirius. "Even when someone fucks up—"

"Royally fucks up," Sirius mumbled, hanging his head.

"Even when someone royally fucks up," Remus amended with a wry smile, "I—well—I already said this, Padfoot, but just watching your family in the Three Broomsticks—"

"They're not my family," Sirius muttered darkly. "I have no place there."

"You have a place with us," James said firmly, reaching out and putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius raised his head and looked first at James, then at Remus, and finally at Peter. His eyes glistened. "I'm so sorry," he said. "Really, I know I've already said it but—" he shook his head slowly and turned to Remus. "Like you said, you lot are my family. And it's not like how it is for the rest of you. You have your families—your real families at home—I—I only have you. And the fact I almost lost that—for a prank—"

"Padfoot, stop," Remus said gently. "I'm not going to tell you it's all better now, because, well, it isn't, and you know that. I still—I don't know how long it will take me to trust you again. But, watching you in Hogsmeade, it just made me realize—you're my brother. And we can work this out."

Sirius nodded, grimacing. "You're already a step ahead of my parents," he said. "They never gave me a second chance."

"Well you're loads better than them," Peter said confidently.

Sirius swept a piece of hair from his face. "Thanks, Pete," he said. "I dunno about that, but thanks."

"He's right," Remus said. "What you did was horrible, Padfoot, but you regretted it. You apologized. That means something."

"And you really are worth twelve of your parents," James chimed in, his eyes scanning his best friend's face.

Sirius' grimace faded and his mouth quirked up into a small smile. "Marauder's honor?" he asked, with an echo of his old bluster.

"Marauder's honor," James grinned. Remus and Peter repeated the sentiment and the four boys fell quiet. James' chest felt lighter than it had in weeks as his eyes swiveled between his friends, together for the first time in weeks. He had missed Sirius greatly, though he wouldn't have dreamed of showing it. Having his best friend back, having the foursome back intact, everything felt right.

"So, Prongs," Sirius said, perking up and grinning slyly at him. "You and Lilybean seem to be spending a lot of time together now."

"Oh," James mumbled, his ears flaming up again. "Not really. I mean, yeah, I see her a lot more now but it's not—I mean I don't think—we're just, you know, in class and—"

Sirius guffawed and Remus and Peter chuckled while James glared furiously at them. "I'm rethinking calling you gits my brothers," he pouted.

"This is what brothers do, Jamesy," Sirius said, grinning as James scowled at the use of the nickname.

"Well let's talk about you and Marlene then," he said.

Sirius was unfazed. "We've gotten closer," he said, grinning. Beside him, Remus' smile faded somewhat.

"Gotten closer?" James choked out, glaring at Sirius. "That's one my bloody best friends, you prat, and I saw you at Slughorn's party and if you're just—"

"Prongs, relax," Sirius said, his voice dropping into a more serious tone. His grin vanished and he sat up a bit straighter and glanced around, as though nervous someone was eavesdropping. "I—I really like her."

"Are you two shagging?" Peter asked, his eyes wide.

James elbowed him in the side and Peter yelped, glaring at him. "It's just a question," he snapped. "And I think it's a fair one."

"Still," James said, scowling, "that's Marls you're talking about."

"It is a fair question," Remus argued, nodding his head slowly and chewing on his lip. He turned towards Sirius and raised an eyebrow expectantly.

A suspicious red flush had crept up Sirius' cheeks. "No," he said, a bit defensively.

James relaxed and uncurled his hands, which he had unconsciously balled into fists.

"I don't just want it to be about snogging or anything," Sirius continued. "I mean, I know what it looks like, but honestly," he glanced up, his eyes slightly glazed, "if I had it my way she'd be my bloody girlfriend. She just didn't want you lot catching wind of it and trying to break my arm or something—"

"Smart girl," James muttered, cracking a smile against his will. Marlene knew him well.

"She's wonderful though," Sirius said. "I mean, really—"

"We know," Remus said, sounding a bit irritated. "We've all been friends with her since first year, James long before that. We know she's great."

"Please spare us the details about your snogs," James added, already cringing at the mental images of his two friends that the conversation had produced.

"Well, speaking of birds who aren't our girlfriends but we wish were," Sirius said quickly, turning back to James, who groaned. "Stop trying to change the subject and tell us what's happening with you and Lily."

"Nothing's happening," James grumbled. "We just decided to start over and become friends, that's all. It's old news, really."

"Friends?" Sirius asked, waggling an eyebrow.

James picked up a fallen pillow off the ground and hurled it at him. Sirius ducked, laughing.

"We're just friends," James reiterated, feeling his face heat up again under the questioning. "And I don't need you putting me through a bloody interrogation—"

"I was just curious," Sirius shrugged, grinning at James' obvious embarrassment.

Beside him, Remus cracked a smile. "It was a little strange at first," he agreed, raising his eyebrows. "One day you two can barely have a civil conversation and the next you're partners in potions."

"And whispering to each other all throughout Slughorn's party," Peter added.

James gave them all a dirty look and opened his mouth to say they hadn't been whispering all throughout the party, Lily had been explaining the Emmeline and Hestia situation to him. Sirius, however, had grown thoughtful.

"Wait a moment," he said slowly, his grey eyes lighting up as they looked at James. "This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with her break up with Goldstein—"

"You mean the break up Marlene caused, not me," James shot back, folding his arms.

Sirius scoffed. "Come off it, Prongs. You can't honestly believe you had nothing to do with that."

"I didn't have anything to do with it!" James insisted, his face burning. He had told himself the same thing ever since the break-up had happened; it had happened because Lily and Goldstein just weren't meant to be together. It had absolutely nothing to do with him.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Whatever you say," he acquiesced, holding up his hands in mock surrender, though his expression clearly said he didn't believe him. "It just seems a bit uncanny."

"Nothing's going to happen with me and Lily," James said through gritted teeth. "Even if I wanted—it doesn't—she's made it very clear that we're just friends. And I had a hard enough time getting her to agree to that so if any of you wankers muck it up I will hex you."

Sirius smirked and shook his head but said nothing. Remus looked amused but turned his attention quickly to Peter.

"We haven't heard much from you, Pete," Remus said. "How's it going with Cynthia?"

Peter's face went scarlet but he grinned. "It's going good," he answered, looking very pleased with himself. "After you lot," he looked pointedly at James, "left us at the party I asked if she'd like to sit with me at the next quidditch match and she said yes. And I only saw her for a bit this afternoon but she looked like she had a nice time."

"At least one of us is making definite progress," Sirius said, clapping Peter on the back. "Way to go, mate."

"I'm going to ask her to go with me on the next Hogsmeade trip," Peter said, looking around as though for permission. "The whole thing, not just meet up for a bit."

"Sounds like a great idea," Remus said sagely, nodding his head. "She seems nice."

"She's lovely," Peter smiled, his eyes glazing over as Sirius' had done earlier. "She's pretty and sweet and she thinks I'm funny! And it was just us for the last bit at Slughorn's party, since everyone left except those Ravenclaws, and we just talked—"

James' mind wandered as Peter droned on about how wonderful his sort-of-girlfriend was. He remembered the days he and Lily had sat out in the grass, talking for hours about anything. If he concentrated hard enough, he could see the whole thing quite clearly: her shoulders sprinkled with freckles and her red hair fanned out in the grass, her knees knocking into his as she pointed out oddly shaped clouds and told him stories about the summers she and her sister had spent at the playground. The memory brought a smile to his face; he could almost feel the breeze rustle his hair, could almost smell the unique odor of Cokeworth in the summer, fresh grass and flowers mixed with acrid smoke, boiled in the humid air.

"Prongs?"

His chest welled up with the familiar weight as he imagined Lily's smile, her wide, carefree grin that made him feel like he was sitting on a cloud.

" _Prongs?_ "

James shook his head, snapping himself out of the daydream. He looked around and saw Remus looking at him expectantly.

"Er, yeah?" he asked, ruffling his hair and hoping they didn't ask what he'd been thinking about.

"I asked if we should all try to find dates for the next Hogsmeade weekend, so we can keep Pete company without ruining his day with Cynthia," Remus said patiently, with the air of one who had repeated himself too many times already.

"Er, yeah, sure," James said absently, still trying to dispel the image of Lily lying lazily in the grass. "Sounds brilliant."

"Good," Peter breathed, looking relieved at the prospect of having his friends with him. "I'd be worried I would muck it up somehow."

"You'll do fine, Pete," Sirius said. "Prongs and I will be extra prattish so you come off looking better."

"Yeah," James chimed in, grinning. "We'll muck up our dates and by the end of it Cynthia will think you're one of the best blokes at Hogwarts, by comparison."

"That sounds like a terrible idea," Remus said dryly. "But don't worry, Pete," he added, giving Peter a sympathetic smile. "From what I've seen Cynthia really likes you, I'm sure it will go well."

"Well, fellas," Sirius said, rising to his feet. "I don't know about you but I'm positively knackered."

"Me too," Peter said, getting to his feet and flopping onto his bed. "Too much happened today."

They all agreed, though it was silently implied they were rather okay with the events which had transpired. Quietly, James changed into his pajamas and got into bed. He looked around the dormitory and felt a surge of warmth towards his three friends. Things might not be entirely better, but, James reflected as he drew the curtains around his bed and pulled the blankets around him, the Marauders were back.

The next day in potions James strode into the dungeons laughing with Sirius, a welcome change from the last few weeks. He slid into his usual spot and took out his book before he noticed Lily. She was not sitting in her usual seat next to him, but had moved up a row so she now sat next to Marlene. Beside him, James heard Sirius grunt in surprise and knew he was not happy with the new arrangement either.

"Er, Lily?" James called out.

She turned around and raised her eyebrows, smiling. "Yes?" she asked.

"Why aren't you sitting in your usual seat?" James asked, his eyebrows furrowing. He hoped the question hadn't made him sound whiney, or worse, offended. He bit his lip as he saw Marlene turn around as well, waggling her eyebrows and poorly suppressing a smirk.

Lily's eyebrows traveled further up her forehead and she looked around at Marlene and then back at James and Sirius. "Oh—" she stammered, her face turning red. "I just—I figured since you two are talking now and everything that you would want to—you know, work together—and there wouldn't be a reason for us to be partners anymore."

James frowned and turned to Sirius, who also looked irritated.

"I rather liked the old arrangement," Sirius said. He caught Marlene's eye and winked at her. James saw her blush and looked away pointedly. The less he saw of Sirius and Marlene's interactions, the better.

Lily bit her lip and looked between Marlene and Sirius, who were both doing an abominable job of hiding their grins.

"Well, I suppose we can keep the old partners," she said slowly, her eyes on the table in front of her. "If—if that's alright with everyone."

"Sounds great to me," Sirius said quickly, hitching his bag over his shoulder and striding over to Marlene, both of them wearing absurd grins.

Lily looked up and her green eyes locked on James', waiting for him to answer before she moved.

"It's more than alright with me," he said, flashing a quick grin in her direction and mussing his hair.

Lily gave him a small smile and nodded before hurriedly collecting her bag and moving back to her seat. She sat down and glanced over at James and had opened her mouth to say something when Slughorn burst through the door.

"Good morning, folks!" the potions master rumbled good-naturedly as he walked to the front of the room. "I trust you're all ready to begin working again after a weekend full of festivities." He beamed as he looked around the room before launching into a speech, at which point James' attention began to wander.

In front of him, Marlene and Sirius were already passing notes and giggling. He pretended not to notice, though when he glanced at Remus, he saw him staring rather forlornly at the two. James frowned and studied his friend, whose forehead was creased as he observed the couple in front of him.

James felt a something poke him sharply in the side and he jumped back, biting back a yelp. Lily stood beside him, holding a quill which she had just jabbed his ribcage with.

"What was that for?" James demanded, rubbing the spot where the quill had made contact.

"Pay attention," Lily whispered, smirking as she replaced the quill on the table. "This potion's rather difficult and it actually takes two people to brew it so you need to know what you're doing."

"You could have just said something," James hissed. "There was no need to use the quill."

"Stop being so dramatic," Lily said, rolling her eyes and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "I barely touched you."

"Tell that to my rib."

She looked as though she were about to laugh, but quickly straightened and looked at him sternly. "Stop distracting me," she muttered. "I've never heard of this potion before, we need to pay attention if we're going to brew it correctly."

"What is it?" James asked, turning his attention to the blackboard behind Slughorn, which was covered in writing.

"Everlasting Elixir," Lily replied, taking out a piece of parchment and hurriedly scrawling a few disjointed words on it.

"Oh," James said, relaxing. "They're not too bad."

Lily looked at him sharply. "How do you know?" she asked.

"My dad worked with potions a lot," he shrugged. "He's told me a bit over the years."

Lily didn't answer, but bit her lip and turned her attention back to Slughorn, who was rambling about the importance of accurately counting stirs.

James continued to tune his teacher out and concentrated on Lily. She was bent over the table, furiously scribbling notes on her parchment, adding lots of arrows and lines which he supposed to be shorthand, but looked like gibberish. He frowned at the irritated expression on her face and wondered if he ought not to have said anything about his father. Though why something like that would bother her, he didn't know.

"You have the rest of the hour to work on your potions," Slughorn called out, having finished his lecture. "When you get to step eight, place your cauldrons by the back wall where they'll stew until next class."

"Right," Lily said, turning towards him briskly and shoving the parchment into the corner of the table. Her copy of _Advanced Potion Making_ was already open and James saw she had scratched a few notes into the margin as well.

"It says here first thing to do is to boil the dragon blood. I'll measure it out, you start the fire." She pulled her potions kit forward and took out her set of scales and a vial of dark, murky looking liquid.

"That's odd," Lily remarked, quirking an eyebrow. "My kit's already opened—I thought I made sure to close it last time—"

James shrugged and Lily continued her task. She paused for a moment and tied her long hair back before setting about carefully pouring the thick blood onto her scales, her eyebrows knitted together in concentration.

James retrieved the cauldron and with a flick of his wand ignited the small fire beneath it. He watched Lily scrunch up her face and raise her hand towards her face as she examined the scale to be sure her measurement was exact. After a few runs through the squint-and-pour cycle, she must have concluded that it was good enough and delicately poured the viscous, dark red liquid into the cauldron.

"While it boils we have to stir it four times counterclockwise and one time clockwise every fifty seven seconds," she said, pushing the sleeve of her robes up and checking her watch. "I'll do that, I don't trust you to keep the time correctly. You cut up the dandelion root and goosegrass. The book says how much of each we need."

James nodded and set to work, smiling to himself. Lily was so clearly in her element when issuing potion-making instructions. He wished he could just sit back and watch her. James checked the book and chopped the specified amounts of dandelion roots and goosegrass before setting them aside where Lily could easily reach them when she needed to. He watched in fascination as she stared intently at her watch, her lips counting out the seconds and her wand pointed at the cauldron.

When the blood had boiled Lily added the chopped plants and waved her wand over the mixture, muttering an incantation James didn't manage to catch, but which turned the contents of the cauldron a murky grey.

"We need to let it sit for three and a half minutes and then add a griffin claw," Lily murmured. She tugged her potions kit toward her and began rifling around, eyeing her watch every few seconds.

"I thought—I had—" she muttered half to herself as she rummaged through the kit, shoving vials and pots aside.

"Do you need me to get something from the supply cupboard?" James asked, eyeing her irritated expression.

"No, I'll get it," Lily sighed, snapping the kit shut. "I don't know why—I could've sworn I had them in there."

She walked around the table and over to the supply cupboard at the front of the room, where Slughorn kept extra ingredients and books. Her long ponytail floated behind her as she walked and James was reminded again of how her hair looked spread out in the grass.

To his annoyance, another figure converged on the supply cupboard at the exact moment Lily did. James' lip curled in distaste as Snape sauntered over, eyeing Lily nervously. She either didn't notice the slytherin or chose to ignore him as she opened the cupboard without a word before rummaging through it.

Snape leaned in and put a hand on her shoulder, at which point Lily twitched and stepped away, her face hard. James felt a jolt of satisfaction as he watched her face twist into a glower. Snape's lips moved and he angled himself towards Lily, turning his shoulder so that James could not make out the words he said.

Lily responded, not bothering to hide the anger present on her face. She turned back to the cupboard and snatched a jar from the back before stomping back to the table, leaving Snape staring after her.

James' eyes connected with Snape's and even from across the room, the loathing in the other boy's glare was unmistakable. James cocked an eyebrow and his mouth twisted into a sneer as the slytherin scowled at him. Snape turned around and shut the cupboard door before sulking back to his table; he hadn't even gotten anything from the cupboard.

Lily returned to the table brandishing the jar of griffin claws and mumbling a string of curses under her breath as she stared at her watch. She took the top off the jar and extracted a claw from it, counting down the time and then dropping it neatly in the cauldron where it dissolved with a hiss of steam.

"Er, everything alright?" James asked quietly, moving towards her and bending low so she could hear him. "I saw Snape—"

"I don't want to talk about him," Lily snapped, flinging her potions kit open and taking out a wad of silverweed and shoving it at him. "This needs to be chopped."

"Alright," James said, pulling the silverweed towards him without question. Beside him, Lily huffed and began counting runespoor eggs, her eyes blazing angrily. James looked down at the pile of thin, tangled silver plants Lily had given him. "Lily," he began tentatively, not wanting her to yell at him. "Er, you know we don't need all this, right?"

"Just cut up however much we need," she said quietly, keeping her eyes on the eggs. "I'll put the rest back after."

"Right," James said, picking up his knife and cutting into the plants. They worked in silence for a few minutes, with James carefully cutting and then measuring the silverweed and Lily crushing the runespoor eggs. He noticed the tight line of her lips, and the way her mouth trembled. She didn't pick her eyes up from her work once.

"You shouldn't let him get to you," James whispered, glaring across the room at Snape, who was bent over his cauldron.

"I could say the same thing to you," Lily shot back, a challenging note in her voice.

James raised his eyebrows and looked over the table at her. A few hairs had escaped her ponytail and stuck out a bit behind her ears, curling from the steam emanating from the cauldron. And her eyes—James' stomach tightened as he took in the expression of her eyes.

"I didn't mean—I know I don't have much credibility here," he began. Lily's eyes snapped to him and he saw them dance dangerously. He was pushing his luck; he knew it, but he kept going anyways. "But really, Lily, someone like you shouldn't be worrying about a git like that."

"What does that mean, _someone like me_?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. James was shocked sparks hadn't shot out of them.

He paused, his mouth hanging open dumbly. Why did he say that? Shit. Shit, shit, shit. "Er," he said quickly, searching for an answer that was both platonic and flattering. "Just, you know, you're so good. And just—kind, and warmhearted. And he's—"

"Best friends with evil pricks who want to join up with You Know Who," Lily finished for him, the anger leaving her voice. She seemed to deflate in front of him, her shoulders sagging and mouth turning down as she stared at the pile of half crushed eggs in front of her. To James' horror, her bottom lip began trembling as though she might cry.

Hesitantly, James reached out and put a hand tentatively on her shoulder. Lily tensed slightly but didn't shake him off.

"I know he was your friend—" he began.

"Best friend," Lily interjected, her green eyes raising to meet his. They had lost the fire which had filled them a moment ago. Now they were clouded over, the corners turning down. She looked almost like a small child who was being punished and didn't know what for.

"Right," James muttered, swallowing back the comment that immediately rose to his lips. "Best friend. But, Lily, he's just trying to wind you up and you can't let him. You're much better than that."

"I know," she said ruefully, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. "It's just difficult—"

"It's always going to be a bit difficult," James said softly, quelling the urge to take her hand. "You can't have that much—history—with another person and not have it be difficult when you have to—er—part ways."

Lily swallowed, her eyes flicking away from his and wandering around the room. They settled on a point over his shoulder and James didn't even have to turn around to know who she was focusing on.

"I suppose we should get back to work," Lily said, her voice trembling slightly but returned to its normal pitch. She shook his hand off her shoulder turned away from him, resuming her task of crushing the runespoor eggs. James watched as her hands shook.

"Everything will be alright, Lilybean," he said, taking her elbow gently.

Lily froze for a second and then relaxed, not looking at him. She continued to crush the eggs. "I hope so," she murmured.

There was a pause, filled by a silence which seemed to weigh on James' chest. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, and so many things he wanted to protect her from.

"Would you mind measuring the neem oil?" Lily asked suddenly, thrusting a vial filled with an odd orange liquid that vaguely resembled honey at him. "We'll be needing it pretty soon."

"Er, yeah," James said quickly, taking the vial from her and picking up his scales. "Whatever you need."

James began measuring the oil. Beside him, Lily continued crushing the runespoor eggs, beating them to dust with her mortar and pestle. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and her chest felt heavy. James' reassuring words replayed over in her mind, yet even those were not sufficient to mask the ugliness of her encounter with Severus.

He had been waiting for her to go to the supply cupboard, she was almost sure of it. Lily clenched her jaw and pounded the eggs as she allowed her mind to turn the memory over.

 _As she stood at the supply cupboard she heard him approach but chose to ignore it, hoping to simply find the griffin claws and leave without making a scene._

 _Of course, that was entirely too much to hope for._

 _He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, as though he were trying to claim her in front of everyone._

 _She twitched in displeasure before sidestepping him, wishing to create distance between them without resorting to nastiness._

 _Severus had never been good at hiding his own displeasure._

 _He leaned closer to her and Lily scowled, grinding her teeth as she rooted around the cupboard for the blasted griffin claws, which she couldn't find anywhere._

" _Lily, I'm sorry," Severus whispered quickly, leaning closer so his pleading black eyes filled her view. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Forgive me, be my friend again. I miss you. Please, you have to—"_

" _I don't have to do anything," she retorted, keeping her eyes on the shelf in front of her, looking for those stupid goddamn bloody griffin claws. Anger and sadness and revulsion all coursed through her and in her mind she heard an echo of that awful, awful day last year._

 _Severus opened his mouth. Lily glared, not even trying to hide her anger._

" _Believe it or not,_ Snivellus _," she bit out, noting with some pleasure that he paled at her use of the nickname, "even_ filthy mudbloods _like me are allowed to do what we like. I don't have to listen to you."_

 _Finally, she found the jar labeled Claws of Griffin in the back corner of the shelf. Without a word, Lily snatched it and turned away. Fury raced through her but she forced herself to keep moving, not deigning to look back at her old best friend as she stalked back to her seat._

The freshness of the memory and her renewed anger at Severus ripped through Lily like a blade. Where did he get off cornering her like that, asking for forgiveness when she had made it abundantly clear that she could never condone the people he was friends with, the deeds he engaged in? How could he possibly expect her to forget everything he had done just because he told her he missed her? What right did he have—

A tap on her shoulder broke her train of thought and Lily turned to see James looking at her with concern, one eyebrow raised. He dropped his eyes and gestured towards the eggs in front of her, which now had the texture of sand.

"Er, we have to add those in a few seconds," he said.

"Right," Lily muttered, a flush staining her cheeks. She had almost let her thoughts ruin her concentration.

"I'll just—" James mumbled, reaching out scraping the powdered eggs into the cauldron, which began to bubble.

"That's all we have to do today, I think," he said, bending over his book and running a finger down the line of instructions. "Slughorn said to only go through step eight because it has to stew."

"He did," Lily said, straightening up and shaking her head. She glanced over the instructions one last time, just to be sure they hadn't missed anything. When she was assured they had not missed a step, or added anything wrong, she took out her wand and swished it, levitating the cauldron into the back corner of the room. When it landed gently on the dungeon floor she waved her wand one more time and a small sign appeared in front of it, with her and James' names on it.

She turned to James and found him still staring at her, that disconcerting look of worry in his hazel eyes. Lily cleared her throat awkwardly and forced out a small smile.

"So, er, I think we did a pretty good job on that."

"What?" he asked, looking taken aback by her sudden return to good-humor, however forced. "Er—" he paused for a moment. Lily saw him working to rearrange his face into a more neutral expression. "Yeah," he ran a hand through his hair and gave her a half-hearted grin. "It seems like we make a pretty good team, Evans."

"I suppose we do," Lily agreed, letting out an earnest chuckle. "Who'd have thought it."

"Well," James shrugged, following her example and relaxing slightly, "I'm not too surprised. I always thought we'd be a pretty formidable pair, once you came around and agreed to be within five feet of me."

Lily smiled at him, a small, genuine smile with her green eyes lit up. "And to think all last year I didn't know what I was missing," she said lightly, letting her hair down and shaking it out of her face.

"We were both pretty stupid last year," James said, keeping his tone light but looking pointedly at her.

Lily flushed and turned away. The mention of last year dropped a blanket of tension over them. He might not have even meant anything by the comment, she thought, raking her fingers through her hair and making a show of packing up her potions kit. He could have meant it in the most superficial sense.

But then again, maybe not.

"I suppose we were," she said quietly.

Lily felt James' eyes snap to her but kept her gaze on the table in front of her. She heard him draw in a breath and for a moment it seemed as though he were going to say something else.

Before he got it out Slughorn dismissed them and the loud scraping of chairs and stampede of feet on the stone floor ruined any semblance of a moment between them. With a sigh, Lily grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder before walking quickly out of the room, leaving James behind her.

"Lily?" she turned and found Remus falling in step beside her as she hurried down the corridor.

"Yeah?" she asked, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Er, would you mind meeting me in the library later?" Remus asked. His eyes seemed glazed as he stared at his feet and she noticed the corners of his mouth tug down. "I—er—it's okay if you're busy. I just wanted to—talk."

"Of course," she said, smiling. "Would after dinner work?"

"That'd be brilliant," Remus answered as they reached the transfiguration classroom. He gave her a small, forced smile and held the door open before walking in behind her.

Lily found herself distracted through the entire lesson. Even in light of her curiosity about Remus and whatever he wanted to talk about, her mind buzzed over her encounter with Severus in potions.

Her anger towards Severus still simmered, but an overwhelming sadness eclipsed it in transfiguration when she watched Remus and Sirius partner up for the first time in months. She watched Remus wave his wand and glare at the table in front of him as Sirius laughed and corrected his wand movement gently.

She and Severus used to be like that, she thought. Well, they never really laughed together, but they would help each other and support each other. And really, that was the important thing. Severus had been there for her when nobody else was. He had been her best friend for six years.

And really, Lily thought desolately as she tried and failed again to conjur a snail, if Remus could forgive Sirius, she ought to be able to forgive Severus.

Right?

"Let me see your progress, Miss Evans," McGonagall's crisp voice rang out.

Lily started and peered up to see the transfiguration teacher looming over her, her mouth in a thin line.

"Er, right," Lily said sheepishly, turning back to towards her desk and waving her wand. "Videtur cochlea," she said, her mind still on Severus.

To her horror, a finger nail appeared on the desk, clattering against the wood until it settled.

"Well," McGonagall sniffed, raising her eyebrows. "It seems you would benefit from a few extra homework questions, Miss Evans. I expect the five from page seventy four of your book to be handed in next lesson, along with your essay."

"Yes, Professor," Lily mumbled, looking ashamedly at the floor and feeling her face heat up.

McGonagall swept away and Lily turned dejectedly back to her desk, descending once again into her unhappy musings.

McGonagall dismissed them with the order to practice before the next class and Lily snatched her books and hurried from the classroom, hoping to avoid her friends who would surely ask why she looked so downtrodden.

She had barely stepped foot out of the classroom when a hand caught her elbow gently. Lily turned and saw James peering down at her, his face screwed up in concern.

"Are you alright?" he asked quietly, bending low as he walked so no one else would hear. "Is it because of transfiguration? Because you know, conjuring's difficult and if you need help I could always—"

"No, it's not transfiguration," Lily muttered, turning away and hoping James would take the hint and leave her alone.

He didn't. He watched her for another moment before his lip curled up in distaste. "Is it about Snape?" he asked, an edge now apparent in his voice. "Because, really, Lily, I meant what I said earlier, you're too good to worry about a git like him—"

"No, it's not him either," Lily said in a strained voice, moving her arm so it was no longer in James' grasp. "I just—I'm not feeling very well today, that's all," she said hurriedly, wishing he would quit looking at her like he knew she was lying.

He probably did know she was lying, but Lily ignored this thought.

"If I can help just let me know," he whispered finally, before moving away and letting her walk alone.

Throughout lunch and dinner Lily remained quiet, picking disinterestedly at her food and evading questions from Marlene and Alice regarding her black mood.

After dinner Lily was exhausted and would have liked nothing more than to go up to her dormitory and sleep, even though it was barely seven o'clock. But she had promised to meet Remus and so Lily trudged down to the library, her book bag hanging heavily from her shoulder and her brain feeling like a fried egg. She spotted Remus quickly, bent over a book at a table in the corner.

"Hi," she said when she approached, dropping her bag onto the tabletop and sliding into the chair across from him.

"Hey," Remus replied, glancing up at her. He looked tired, Lily noted, though not as unhappy as he had been during the fight with Sirius.

"So what's going on?" Lily asked, too tired for subtlety.

Remus sighed and closed his book, pushing it to the other side of the table. He propped his elbows on the surface and held his head in his hands, staring at the floor for a moment.

"Remus?" Lily asked, a bit alarmed at his moroseness. "Is everything—"

"It's killing me, Lily," he said in a choked voice, still staring at a spot on the floor. "Every time I see them. I just—" he trailed off and sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes with the bottoms of his hands.

"Remus," Lily began, struggling to come up with comforting words. "I'm so sorry, I—"

"You can't help, though," he said. "I know. I—I'm sorry for dumping all this on you it's just—too much sometimes and—and I don't know what to do about it—"

"Don't apologize," Lily said firmly, taking one of his hands gently. "It's not your fault. We can't help who we care about."

"But it shouldn't be this hard," Remus insisted, lowering his hands and looking at her with wide, shadowed eyes. "It shouldn't—damnit, it shouldn't be anywhere near this hard!"

"Remus," Lily said, her face crinkling sympathetically. Her thoughts ran to Petunia, to James, to Severus. "It's hard for everyone. It's never easy caring about another person—especially when you've known them for as long as you've known Marley—"

"It's easy for Sirius," Remus said bitterly. "It's easy for him because she feels the same way! It's easy for her—"

"It's not easy for her," Lily murmured. "I don't know very much about her relationship with Sirius—I don't think anyone does. But Remus, when you were—er—not on good terms with each other, she was miserable. She was worried about you and missed you and—"

"But she'll never feel the same way—"

"She bloody well might have if you'd just given her the chance to instead of labeling yourself as unfit for another person," Lily snapped, dropping his hand as a wave of irritation crashed over her.

Remus stared, his face frozen in shock. "It—you don't—it's not the same—" he sputtered, raking a hand through his hair.

"Really?" Lily "Look, Remus, I'm sorry that she's with Sirius and not with you. I'm sorry you have to watch it every day and I'm sorry that it hurts you but for Merlin's sake!" She leaned back and ran a hand through her own hair. "You can't pretend you don't have a little bit of responsibility for this!"

Remus' face grew hard at Lily's outburst. His hands dropped to his sides and he sat back. "You know I couldn't have told her, Lily," he said coldly. "I thought you realized—"

"Give me one good reason why you couldn't tell her," Lily demanded, her voice matching his in iciness. "You told me and did I leave and say I never wanted to talk to you again? No, I didn't. And you've known Marlene for much longer, you're arguably much closer with her than you are with me, and you know that she would never walk out on your friendship because of that, Remus, so stop using it as an excuse to skirt around your feelings."

"So, what, it's all my fault?" Remus asked, an angry flush creeping up his neck as he stared at Lily. "I'm the one to blame here for not wanting to risk losing one of my best friends?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Lily hissed, leaning back and folding her arms across her chest, glaring.

Across the table, Remus seemed to lose his steam. The flush on his face receded and sucked the remaining color out of his features as well, leaving him pale. The hard line of his mouth softened and the corners turned down. His grey eyes widened slightly and all at once he put his head in his hands.

"Do you think I'm a coward?" he asked in a small voice.

Lily's heart sank. She didn't regret her words, but the sympathy she felt for her friend at the moment far outweighed her annoyance as she looked at the tired, battered boy in front of her who was so full of fear it seemed to crush him.

"No, I don't think you're a coward," she said quietly. She uncrossed her arms, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder, just as James had done to her earlier. "I know it's hard, Remus, but sitting here trying to drown yourself in self-pity—it's not the answer."

"I know," he murmured, his voice muffled by his hands. "I want them both to be happy. I—love—them both—so much, Lily." He raised his head, his eyes wet and ringed with red, puffy skin. "I just—sometimes it's too much."

"I understand," Lily said, her mind wandering from Remus' problems to her own episode that morning. The thought of Severus made her heart sink once again. She shook her head and looked resolutely at Remus. His problems, at least, had the possibility of a happy ending. "Remus, you deserve to be happy."

He said nothing, but bent his head lower so she could no longer see his eyes.

"Marlene and Sirius love you too," Lily continued, her words painfully slow as she tried to make Remus absorb them. "We all love you, and we only want you to be happy. And this—it's hard now, but it will get better. You forgave Sirius, remember."

"I remember," Remus mumbled, staring at the table.

Lily watched him, her stomach tightening as she watched him chew on his lip. "Do you—you don't regret it—forgiving him—do you?" she asked tentatively.

Remus' head shot up, a look of horror on his face. "No, no!" he said quickly. "Not at all. It's—I'm glad I did. I need him, Lily. I need my friend, and he needs me and I couldn't—I couldn't keep freezing him out like that—and you saw his family—"

"Okay, okay," Lily said, holding her hands up as Remus sank down again. "I just—wanted to check."

They sat in silence for a moment, both absorbed in their own thoughts. Lily's mind worked furiously, thinking over her conversation with Severus earlier, Remus' thoughts on forgiving Sirius, and the scene in Hogsmeade the day before.

"Remus?" she asked.

He picked his head up wearily, watching her apprehensively as though nervous for her question.

"How did you decide to forgive Sirius?" Lily asked, hoping her face didn't betray her anxiety to hear his answer.

Remus paused for a moment and frowned, shaking his head. "It wasn't a big, long battle," he said slowly. "I was angry at him. And then—I saw in the pub his dad and brother—and Sirius—and I just realized, this is one of my best friends. And I'm angry with him, but I love him more and—and then it was easy."

"So you're still angry about what he did?" Lily asked, biting her lip.

"I am," Remus said. "But he's sorry about it, and however angry I am, I don't think it's worth losing my best friend over."

Lily nodded and sat silently, pondering his response. She thought over her reasons for being so angry with Severus. He had made a mistake, just as Sirius had, hadn't he? He seemed sorry for it. He—she didn't know if she would go as far as to say she loved him, but he had been her best friend for six years. That meant something.

"Do you think I should forgive Severus?" she blurted out without thinking.

Remus' eyebrows shot up into his hair and his eyes widened as he stared at her. "Wh—what?" he choked out, taken aback by the question.

Lily felt her face grow warm and she hastily launched into an explanation. "I just—he—he came up to me in potions today—cornered me actually—and he said sorry about—you know—and he really looked it and I don't know—he was my best friend, Remus and what you said about Sirius—and I—I'm not being unfair, am I? I can be angry and still forgive him, right?" she asked, her voice taking on a pleading note at the end.

Remus' expression softened and he chewed the inside of his lip, avoiding looking at her. "Lily," he said finally, glancing up and locking his sad, grey eyes with her beseeching green ones. "I know you were friends with Snape for a long time, and it's difficult for that to end—"

"It's not much different than with Sirius, though, is it?" she asked, wringing her hands. "They both—"

"What Sirius did was awful," Remus cut her off, his gaze becoming steady as he watched her. "It was terrible and it makes me sick to even think about it. But, Lily, Sirius thought he was playing a prank. It was a horrible, twisted prank, but it was a prank. Snape—when he called you that—Lily, you haven't been here that long you don't know what that word really means."

"I know what it means," she snapped, scowling. "I'm the one who it refers to, remember."

"I know, I know," Remus said quickly. "That's not what I meant. I just mean—you can't possibly understand the depth of hatred and elitism and bigotry that the word entails. I mean, honestly, Lily, other than Snape who have you heard use that word?"

She thought for a moment, hoping to prove Remus' words wrong, though she had a horrible feeling she couldn't.

"Mulciber," she whispered dejectedly. "And Avery."

"Those are the kinds of people who throw it around," Remus said, taking her hand. "It's an—an awful word—just disgusting. And, Lily, while what Sirius did was horrible, it was a decision made in a moment, made out of anger. It was terrible and I'm still very angry, but I know he didn't intend for it to really hurt me."

"And you think Severus does intend to hurt me?" she demanded, recoiling slightly.

Remus tightened his grip on her hand and gave her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Lily. Really, I am. But, you don't use that word—or hang around with those people, for that matter, unless you truly believe—certain things. And those beliefs, the people who subscribe to those beliefs, they intend to hurt you and everybody like you."

"But—" Lily began, trying to find a loophole, some way Severus could be part of that group, one of those people, but still not believe those things. She racked her brains for an excuse.

She couldn't find one. With a heavy sigh, Lily squeezed Remus' hand as tears poured down her face. She made no effort to wipe them away and Remus didn't react except to squeeze her hand back.

"He was my best friend," she whispered, her voice wobbling uncontrollably.

"I know, Lilybean," Remus said quietly, standing up and walking over to wrap her in a hug. He ran his hand across her shoulder blades as Lily soaked his shoulder in sobs. "I'm sorry."

When Lily climbed up the spiral staircase to her dormitory she felt as though she had just fought a war. Her entire body ached and protested; her mind and her stomach felt heavy. The thought of her four poster bed almost made her cry out in relief.

The other girls were already in bed when Lily entered the dormitory. She padded to the bathroom to brush her teeth before quickly changing into pajamas. She had just begun to pull back her bed hangings when she heard Alice's voice.

"Lily?" Alice said drowsily. "Is that you?"

"Yes," she whispered, moving closer to her friend so they didn't wake the others up. "Why?"

"I almost forgot," Alice mumbled, reaching over to her nightstand and picking up a jar. "You left your jar of griffin claws in the potions classroom."

Lily took the jar and studied it carefully. It was the one from her potions kit, she recognized the dent in the lid. She furrowed her brow and looked at Alice sharply.

"This wasn't in my potions kit this morning," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. "I had to go to the supply cupboard."

"Someone left it by your cauldron," Alice said, setting her head back on her pillow and closing her eyes.

"But I never took this jar out," Lily murmured, thinking aloud. "It doesn't make sense."

"Dunno," Alice mumbled, already half asleep. "Maybe someone took it from your potions kit on accident."

"But how would they have gotten—" Lily stopped. She glared down at the jar and turned to ask Alice another question, but the blonde was now snoring gently into her pillow.

"Bloody hell," Lily grumbled, her stomach dropping. She retreated to her bed and tossed the jar in her trunk. She closed her eyes and tried to think about nice things. Her mind replayed her earlier encounter with Severus over and over, until Lily fell asleep with a heavy chest.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Hey everyone, as always thanks for reading and I hope you like this chapter! Just a few notes:

I got a few comments about James and Marlene's reaction to Emmeline and Hestia, so I just want to clarify my line of thinking here. In canon there's really never a mention of homosexual wizards or witches. I went off of that, and the fact that a lot of pureblood families are obsessed with lineage and took that to mean it was something really taboo in the wizarding world and not talked about. If anyone wants to discuss it more, feel free to PM me!

My updates might take a bit longer and be more sporadic now. This semester has been a lot more challenging than last semester and as a result I have a lot less time to update this story, so apologies in advance.

If you don't already and if you want, follow my tumblr ohdeerjily I post teasers/updates about upcoming chapters and answer questions and write short requested fics!

As always, thank you so much for reading and please review! (Sorry for the super long AN!)


	18. Turn Back the Hands of Time

I'M BACK! Yes, I have risen from the dead and am finally updating this story. Hopefully you all aren't too angry with me. I hope you like this new installment and, as always, please drop a review if you'd like. It's been a while since I've heard from most of you. Happy reading!:)

* * *

Snow settled over the Hogwarts grounds as November arrived and drove out any remnants of autumn. The large drifts hid the ground from view and made walking outdoors nearly impossible. Howling wind licked the castle walls and rattled the castle's windows as winter descended upon Hogwarts with vengeance.

Wrapped up in cozy jumpers and not caring in the least what the weather outside the castle walls looked like, Lily and Mary sat at a large table in the library. Parchment, textbooks and spare quills covered nearly every inch of the workspace. The two witches both had blank rolls of parchment in front of them, with a quill poised to begin writing.

"I just don't know," Lily moaned, leaning over and smacking her head down on the table. Her red hair fanned around her, covering several books. "I don't know what there can possibly be to say about Gamp's Law."

"Come on, Lily," Mary chided, gently pulling Lily's shoulders back so she sat up. "It's not too terrible. Look, we found this section here on the laws."

"But how are we supposed to write an entire roll of parchment on them?" Lily asked, glaring at the blank sheet in front of her as though it had personally insulted her. "Honestly, that's just ridiculous."

"I know," Mary sighed, pulling one of the open textbooks forward and idly flipping through the pages. "But we have to do it. Even a D is better than a zero."

Lily just groaned in response. She propped her chin in her hand and began gazing aimlessly around the library, hoping watching other students work would motivate her to do the same. A group of third years sat at a nearby table, chatting idly. In the corner sat several seventh years, all hunched over their notes and writing fervently. Lily's eyes flickered to the group of tables along the opposite wall and sucked in a breath when she found herself staring into the black eyes of Severus. He opened his mouth and hastily gestured towards the open seat beside him, clearly wanting her to go to him. Lily shook her head sharply and averted her eyes, turning back to her work.

He didn't seem to understand that she didn't want to talk to him.

"You alright?" Mary asked, peeking up from her book.

"Fine," Lily muttered.

"You really should start your essay," Mary said, glancing at Lily's empty roll of parchment. "It'll be awful if you wait until tomorrow."

"I suppose you're right," Lily conceded, still fighting the urge to look back at Sev. She leaned over and dipped her quill in an inkwell, before scrawling the date on the top of her parchment. "Wait a minute," she said, staring at the paper.

"What?" Mary asked absently without looking up from her textbook.

"Sirius's birthday was this week."

"I know," Mary said, staring at Lily as though she had lost her mind. "It was three days ago. We all wished him happy birthday at breakfast. Don't you remember that?"

"I do," Lily said slowly. "But we never really celebrated it."

Mary shrugged. "I suppose we didn't."

"Don't you think that's odd?"

"Why would it be odd?" Mary asked, sighing and returning to her book. "Maybe he wanted a quiet birthday this year."

"Sirius Black wanting a quiet birthday?" Lily asked in disbelief. "For this seventeenth birthday?"

"Maybe they all thought it would be too awkward," Mary suggested. "What with them only just being back on speaking terms and all that."

"But even still I can't believe we just didn't celebrate it." Lily sat back and bit her quill.

Mary shrugged again and flipped a page.

"We should plan something," Lily said. "For this weekend."

Mary raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"I don't know," Lily continued chewing on her quill and wound a piece of hair around her finger. "A party or something. But just with us, you know, the boys and you and me and Marley. And Alice and Frank, too."

"Are you, Lily Evans, suggesting we throw a party with the Marauders?" Mary laughed, flipping the book shut and smirking.

"No," Lily snapped. "Just—just a small celebration in honor of Sirius turning seventeen."

"A small celebration?" Mary repeated, the corner of her mouth twitching up.

"Yes." Lily sniffed haughtily. "Exactly."

"Well," Mary grinned, "if we want to have a 'small celebration' for Sirius I think the best thing to do would be to go find Marlene and talk to her about it. She'll probably plan the whole thing."

Lily nodded. "Yes, that would be good." A smile broke out over her face. "Oh, I can just see her reaction; she'll be absolutely thrilled with the idea."

"Shall we go find her, then?" Mary asked, already scooping up the textbooks and stacking them on the table.

"Absolutely," Lily agreed.

The two girls hurriedly collected their things and put their books back. They were on their way out of the library when Mary suddenly jolted forward and fell with a thud to the ground.

"Mare!" Lily cried, dropping down to help her friend up. "Are you alright? What happened?"

"I don't know," Mary said, getting to her feet and looking around in bewilderment. "It felt like I tripped on something but I don't—" she trailed off and her eyes widened as she stared at something past Lily's shoulder.

Lily turned around and saw Mulciber saunter towards them, twirling his wand at his side.

Without thinking, Lily drew her own wand and pointed it at the boy's chest, her mind racing through the various hexes she'd learned.

"Put your wand down, Evans," Mulciber snorted. "It was only a trip jinx; I could've done much worse."

"Walk away, Mulciber," Lily said, trying her best to sound threatening though her voice wobbled and cracked uncontrollably. "Walk away or I swear I'll—"

"You'll what?" Mulciber barked out a laugh. "Hit me with a jelly legs jinx?" His face twisted into a sneer as he stepped forward. "Maybe put me in a body bind if you're really angry?"

"Maybe," Lily said, more confidently than she felt. She tightened her grip on her wand and lifted her chin. "Or maybe I'll do worse."

Mulciber's eyes narrowed. "And what kind of curses could a little mudblood like you possibly know, Evans?" he spat. "I've learned spells that would give you nightmares for weeks. I've mastered curses they don't even teach at Hogwarts."

Lily opened her mouth to reply but stopped when she felt something on her arm. Looking down, it was Mary's hand, gripping Lily so tightly that her fingers had turned white. Lily looked up and saw Mary's white face staring at her in horror and frantically shaking her head. "Don't," Mary whispered, closing her eyes and clutching Lily's arm painfully. "Don't let him—"

Lily clenched her jaw and slowly lowered her wand.

"Decided you don't want to play?" Mulciber taunted. His wand was still raised, still pointed at her. "Did Evans realize there's no Remus Lupin or James Potter here to save her?"

"Leave us alone," Lily whispered through clenched teeth. "We've not done anything to you."

"I'll be the judge of that," Mulciber sneered. He twirled his wand again, though this time dropped it with a clatter onto the stone floor.

Without a thought, Lily used the few seconds Mulciber spent retrieving his wand to grab Mary's hand and half-run down the corridor, praying Mulciber wouldn't decide to follow them.

"Don't worry though, girls," he called after them, the glee evident in every syllable. "When the Dark Lord comes to power all you mudbloods will be in the ground soon enough."

Lily shivered but didn't stop as she rounded a corner and flew up a flight of stairs. Mary's nails dug into her skin and her chest was beginning to burn from lack of oxygen but she didn't stop until she stood breathlessly in front of the Fat Lady. "Sternumenta," she wheezed.

The portrait swung forward and Lily climbed into the common room, still dragging Mary behind her.

Marlene, Sirius, and Peter sat at a table near the portrait hole, playing exploding snap. Peter looked up as Lily and Mary stumbled in and offered a friendly wave before he took in Lily's shortness of breath and Mary's white face.

"What happened to you two?" he asked, laying his smoking cards on the table and jumping up.

At his exclamation, Marlene and Sirius both glanced up and immediately rushed over.

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

"Do we have to duel someone?"

" _What happened?_ "  
"We're fine," Lily muttered, pushing past everyone and leading Mary to a sofa, where they both sat down. "We ran into Mulciber while leaving the library and he was—"

"Horrible," Mary whispered.

"What did he do?" Marlene asked, sitting down beside Mary and putting an arm around her. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No," Mary said faintly. "He just tripped me. But he—what he said—"

"I tried to hex him and he told me he knew curses so bad they don't even teach them at Hogwarts," Lily said.

"I'll bet he does," Sirius muttered as he and Peter sat on the sofa facing the girls. "His whole family's in with You Know Who. I'll bet his parents have taught him all sorts of dark magic."

Lily nodded and glanced at Mary. She was still very pale, but with her head leaning on Marlene's shoulder, she looked much more relaxed since coming back to the common room.

"Did he say anything else?" Peter asked, furrowing his brow and looking at Lily. "You two looked awful when you came in. Was it just because of the dark magic?"

"No," Lily said quietly. "As we were getting away he said once You Know Who is in power, everyone like us will be in the ground anyways."

Sirius inhaled sharply and shot up off the sofa. "He said what?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"You heard it," Lily said. She sank further into the cushion and put her face in her hands.

"I'm going to curse him next time I see him," Sirius muttered, pacing up and down. "I'm going to go into the restricted section and find something so terrible—"

"Sirius, sit down and be quiet," Marlene snapped from beside a still very pale Mary. She glared at Sirius with unusual ferocity and reached out to run a calming hand through Mary's hair. "You'll do nothing of the sort."

"Marls—"

"I said sit down and shut up!"

Sirius frowned but took his seat, watching Marlene pat Mary on the shoulder and whisper something.

"I was only trying to help," Sirius said at last.

"Then you and Peter go down to the kitchens and fetch us some hot chocolate."

Sirius' frown deepened but he stood up without a word and started towards the portrait hole, gesturing for Peter to join him.

"He's such a prat sometimes," Marlene shook her head once the door had slammed closed. "Honestly, I don't know what he was thinking, going on about cursing Mulciber like that."

"I just want to never think about him again," Mary whispered, looking from Marlene to Lily with wide eyes. "After last year—I just—"

With a jolt, Lily remembered what had happened to Mary last year. A wave of shame washed over her. She hadn't even thought about that. She had been so caught up in what Mulciber had said, and her own fear, that she hadn't remembered how much worse the scene must have been for Mary.

Scooting closer towards her friend, Lily put an arm around Mary and whispered, "It was him, wasn't it? That attacked you last year?"

Mary nodded. "It was right by the library too," she murmured. "I had stayed late finishing an herbology essay and they cornered me and it—" she broke off and buried her face in Marlene's shoulder.

"Shh, don't worry," Marlene said, running a soothing hand down Mary's back. "Mare, it's alright, they're not going to do anything to you again."

"But he almost did!" Mary cried, sitting up suddenly. "He almost did today! And the things he says, just because he knows they'll get to me—"

"Mary, I'm sorry," Lily broke in, her face burning. "I shouldn't have engaged with him like I did. We should've gotten out of there once we realized who it was."

"Have you gone to Dumbledore?" Marlene asked. "Maybe he could do something."

"I don't think so," Mary shook her head. "What is there to do?"

They sat in silence for a minute, pondering the truth in Mary's words. There really was nothing to do, Lily thought bitterly. They could make sure Mary never left Gryffindor tower alone, but look how well that had worked tonight. They could take Sirius' suggestion, and find a horrid curse to use on Mulciber, but that would only serve to get them in trouble and make him and his friends even more intent on hurting them.

The portrait hole opened and the smell of hot chocolate wafted in, followed by Sirius and Peter's footsteps.

"Here you go," Sirius said as he offered a steaming mug to Lily. "Fresh from the kitchens."

"Thank you," she said, giving him a small smile. "It smells delicious."

They sat on the sofas and sipped their drinks in silence, all absorbed in their own thoughts. Lily glanced up and saw Sirius staring at the ground, his empty mug at his feet.

"Oh!" Lily cried, straightening in her seat as everyone looked at her in surprise. "I've just remembered," she began sheepishly, "the reason Mary and I left the library in the first place was because we had an idea, and we wanted to just tell Mar but I guess we'll tell everyone. Sirius, we never celebrated your birthday."

Sirius glanced up and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean we didn't celebrate my birthday?"

"Er, well," Lily muttered, her face warming up. "I just meant—you know—usually there's a party and—people—and there wasn't any of that—"

"Oh, Lilybean," Sirius chuckled, moving a piece of hair from his face and leaning back on the sofa. "There was no official party with music and loads of people, but there was an unofficial party with the marauders."

"Oh," Lily said, deflating under the new information. "So you did you something after all?"

"We went to the Hog's Head," Peter said, grinning. "Padfoot bought the lot of us firewhiskey and we got pissed."

Lily raised her eyebrows and looked to Sirius, who nodded in confirmation.

"Well," Lily said, "I think you should have another party. A proper one, with all your friends there."

"Meaning the three of you?" Sirius asked, gesturing towards the girls.

"And Alice," Mary added, sitting up straighter. "But yes."

Sirius looked between the two of them, a smile tugging at his lips, and finally threw his head back and laughed. "Well, girls," he chortled, "I've never been one to turn down a party. Especially one held in my honor."

"Oh, lovely," Lily said. "Mar, what do you think?"

"I think it's a grand idea," Marlene answered. "I told them it wasn't fair to just have a private little celebration. Especially for a seventeenth birthday party."

"We didn't think it'd have to be anything enormous," Mary said, looking nervously at Marlene. "Not like the—er—more famous—marauder parties. Just something where all of us could celebrate."

"I think that sounds great," Sirius said gently, giving Mary a smile. "Really," he moved to look at the girls, "I wasn't sure anyone would really want to celebrate after—"

"Don't be silly," Lily interrupted, waving her hand airily. "Of course we want to."

They chatted about the party then, and decided it would be best to wait and ask James and Remus what they wanted to do before deciding anything. After a bit, Mary shrugged off Lily and Marlene's arms and rose from the sofa, declaring she was going to bed.

"Er, Mary?" Peter's voice squeaked uncertainly.

"Yeah?" Mary asked, turning around and raising an eyebrow.

"Just—I know you're feeling better now," Peter muttered, his face turning red. "But, er, I don't think you should go anywhere alone from now on. You too, Lily."

"That's ridiculous," Lily snorted, shaking her head.

"No, it's not," Sirius said quickly, giving Peter a pat on the shoulder. "Pete's right. And I agree. And I think James and Remus would too."

"Well, I appreciate it," Mary said quietly. She glanced at Lily and added, "I think it'd be for the best if we always had someone with us, too."

Peter nodded and muttered something indiscernible. Mary, after a momentary pause, turned around and ascended the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

"Well," Lily murmured, standing up and stretching. "I think I'm going up too. Goodnight all. Pete, Sirius, thank you for the hot chocolate."

"Goodnight," Marlene chirped at the same time Sirius and Peter called out, "You're welcome."

Lily smiled and skipped up the stairs to her dormitory.

The next morning in potions, Lily sat hunched over her notes, writing furiously as Slughorn droned on about the properties of bezoars. Next to her, James appeared to be working on quidditch strategy as he charmed his doodled quidditch team to run different plays, scratching notes in the margins.

Lily rolled her eyes and returned to her notes, rushing to write down what she had missed in the seconds she had spent watching her partner. She had gotten nearly all of it written down when something sharp poked her violently in the head.

"Ow!" she hissed, glaring at James. "Whatever you did, stop it."

"I didn't do anything," he whispered, looking at her in confusion.

"Then what—" Lily waved a hand behind her head and closed her fingers around the offending object. It was a small paper airplane with her name written on one of the wings.

"Who's it from?" James asked, leaning towards her to try and examine the note.

"I don't know yet," Lily said with a frown. She quickly unfolded the paper airplane and found on the opposite side a short scrawled note.

 _Need to talk to you. Urgent. Meet me in library at 8pm. S.S._

"Is that—" James hissed, reaching out to take the note.

Lily quickly balled the paper up and shoved it in the pocket of her robes. "It's none of your business."

"It is my business when he's threatening—"

"He's not threatening me, James. He's just asking me to meet him—"

"The day after Mulciber nearly cursed you and MacDonald—"

"He didn't nearly curse us!"

"He wanted to."

"That's not the point!" Lily huffed and took a deep breath. "I don't even know if I'm going to go."

"You shouldn't." James gave her a pointed look. "You've already told him to sod off and really, you don't even know what he wants from you at this meeting."

Lily swallowed and bit her lip. "Maybe he just wants to talk," she said feebly.

James raised an eyebrow. "In the library at night?"

"Maybe he doesn't want his friends to know—"

"Lily, if a bloke has friends who are so bad that he has to sneak around just to talk with you then maybe that should tell you something about the bloke."

Lily didn't say anything, only turned back to her notes. Without looking at James she picked up her quill and began scrawling down the notes Slughorn had written on the blackboard, not taking in a word of it.

After a minute James sighed and put a hand on her arm. "Listen, Lily, I know you and Snape were friends—"

"Just leave it alone, James," she whispered. "Please, I don't want to talk about it anymore."

James snapped his jaw shut and removed his hand from her arm. "I'm just trying to keep you safe," he murmured.

Lily didn't answer. The note in her pocket felt as though it weighed ten pounds.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Lily went from class to class, all the while self-consciously thinking of the crumpled note sitting in her pocket. After dinner, when everyone retired to the common room, she found Remus in one of the armchairs and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Wha—oh, hi, Lily," he said, his surprise melting into a smile when he saw her. "How are you?"

"Been better," Lily muttered as she dropped into the chair next to him. "I have, er, something to ask you about, actually."

Remus's eyebrows rose. "Oh? What's that?"

In response, Lily took the note from her pocket and handed it to him. Remus opened it and read its contents, his brow furrowing. "I take it this is from—"

Lily nodded and sighed. "I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to tell me not to go. I _know_ I shouldn't go. I mean, I've told him to leave me alone and just yesterday Mary and I had that run in with Mulciber and I shouldn't be wandering around by myself at night."

"But?" Remus prompted.

"But what if it's really something important?" Lily burst out. "Or what if he's trying to apologize and ask for help ditching his horrid friends? I can't just ignore it!"

Remus opened his mouth and then paused, his eyes dropping to the note again. "Lily, I don't think you should go," he said at last.

Lily's stomach sank and she nodded dejectedly. "Okay."

"However," Remus continued, "if you really think you should go, then go. I'm not in any position to tell you to abandon your old friend if you think it's important."

"Really?" Lily asked, her eyes widening. "I—"

"Just don't go alone," Remus said, his face suddenly becoming very stern. "I mean that. If you're going to go, then that's alright; it's your choice. But take someone with you. I can go if you'd like. I'll ask James for his invisibility cloak and just wait nearby to make sure nothing happens to you."

"Are you sure?" Lily asked.

"Of course," Remus answered, smiling and giving the note back. "I just want to make sure you're safe."

"That's what James said when he told me not to go," Lily sighed.

"James saw this?" Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Sev sent it during potions," Lily said quickly, an inexplicable flush rising to her cheeks. "I didn't mean for James to see it."

"I'm sure he reacted well," Remus said dryly.

"As well as can be expected when it comes to Severus." Lily shook her head and dropped her eyes to the floor. "Er, I would appreciate it if you came. But, Remus, could we—could we not tell anyone about this? At least not until I actually talk to Sev." She looked up and caught Remus's eye. "Just in case it's not really terribly important."

Remus nodded and leaned forward. "Of course, Lily."

At ten minutes to eight Lily met Remus outside the portrait hole, nervously glancing at the piece of parchment in his hand.

"Do you think we'll need that?" she asked.

"Dunno," Remus answered, tucking the map in his pocket. "I figured I'd bring it just in case.

Lily nodded and they began walking down to the library. When they reached the doors, Remus gave her one last encouraging smile and threw the invisibility cloak over himself. Lily watched him disappear into thin air and took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders as she opened the door and walked inside.

It wasn't hard to find Severus. Not many students remained in the library at this hour. Lily only had to scan the room once to find her old friend hunched over a table in a corner near the restricted section. Taking another deep breath, she walked over to him. He looked up at her arrival and his face twisted into something resembling a small smile.

"You came," was all he said.

"You said it was important," she replied evenly, crossing her arms.

"Er, yes, I did," Severus mumbled, his eyes flickering from her face to his hands. "Why—how about you have a seat?" He gestured towards the empty chairs around him.

"No thank you," Lily said. "I'd rather stand."

"Er, alright."

"Well?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows. "What's so important that you had to talk to me about?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry again," Severus said quietly.

"You've already said you're sorry and I've already told you that it doesn't make everything okay if you're not going to change anything—"

"I have something to give you too," he interrupted, one hand delving into the pocket of his robes. He rummaged around for a moment and then extracted something small and shiny. "Here." He thrust the object towards Lily. "Take it."

"Where did you get this?" Lily demanded, her jaw falling open as she took the silver charm bracelet from him. "I lost it ages ago—hold on—" she looked up at him and narrowed her eyes. Severus turned his gaze sheepishly towards the table. "You took it didn't you," Lily said. "At Slughorn's party."

"I meant to give it back," Severus muttered to the table. "I noticed you left it and summoned it from the table and was going to give it back to you when I saw you—"

"But you didn't." Lily ground her teeth.

"Well I was going to over the holiday and then your sister was so horrible to you and I just—I just thought maybe it'd be better if you didn't have the bracelet—it'd help you sever ties—"

" _Sever ties_?" Lily repeated incredulously, her eye sparking viciously. "Since when has it been up to you to decide who I do or do not sever ties with?"

"Never, never!" Severus backtracked, his face turning a faint beige color in what could only be a flush. "It's just—you were so upset and really, she didn't deserve to have you care that much about her—"

"She's my sister," Lily snapped, biting down hard on her tongue to stop herself from screaming. "Of course I'm going to care about her!"

"Well you shouldn't!" Severus bit back, his color rising. "She's a rude, ungrateful muggle who doesn't understand her place!"

Lily sucked in a breath. Her mouth opened and closed, unable to find words in her shock and rage. At last she choked out, "Shut up." She took a step back. Severus made to stand up, but then seemed to think better of it.

"I don't want to talk to you anymore," Lily said, her voice coming out in a strained whisper as she stared at the unrecognizable person who used to be her best friend. "I don't want to even see you. Stay away from me."

"Lily," Severus croaked, leaning forward and catching her arm, his eyes wide. "Please, wait, I didn't mean it like that. I just—I gave you the bracelet because I thought it would show you I—"

"You should have given it to me a year ago when I lost it," Lily hissed, wrenching her arm from his grip. "And not as a last resort to try and get me to accept an apology for something you shouldn't have done in the first place."

With that, she turned on her heel and stalked out of the library. As the heavy door closed behind her, she became aware of footsteps coming from the empty space beside her.

"Remus?" she asked tiredly.

Remus appeared, hastily stowing the cloak in his pocket.

"Did you hear the whole thing?"

He nodded, putting a sympathetic arm around her shoulder.

"I'm so stupid," Lily shook her head, shame burning her cheeks. "Everyone knew he wouldn't change and I thought—"

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to give someone another chance," Remus said quietly. "But there's also nothing wrong with refusing to give any more chances. I think Snape's used all of his."

"I think you're right." Lily nodded. She paused for a moment and then withdrew the charm bracelet from her pocket, turning it over in her hand to inspect it. "You know," she said with a hollow laugh, "for a little while I thought maybe James took it as some sort of romantic keepsake."

Remus chuckled. "That's something he would do. Maybe he would've, if he'd found it before Snape."

"Maybe."

"I can't believe Snape kept that this whole time," Remus mused.

"Me either," Lily shook her head. "And he knew—he knew how much it meant to me. He knew how upset I was when I lost it. And he just—"

"Didn't care," Remus finished for her.

"Exactly," Lily sighed. "He didn't care at all."

The rest of the week passed by uneventfully. Friday evening after dinner, James found himself crouched under the invisibility cloak with Sirius, waiting patiently for Filch to walk by so they could make their way to the secret passage.

"Prongs, my legs hurt," Sirius whined, shifting his weight. Halfway down the corridor, Filch seemed to be walking in slow motion, inspecting every inch of the floor. If James didn't know any better he would think the caretaker was doing it on purpose, just to make their lives harder.

"Shut up," James whispered. "You'll get us caught."

"We should've gotten Pete to create a diversion," Sirius said in an undertone. "We'd already be halfway to Honeydukes by now."

"Padfoot, for the love of Merlin, shut up before we get caught!"

"Who's there?" Filch's voice rang out. James swore under his breath and stood still, glaring at Sirius.

Filch paused, his head swiveling around in search of wrongdoers. After a moment he must have decided it had been nothing as he resumed walking down the corridor. James held his breath as Filch passed, and didn't let it go until the caretaker had rounded the corner and his footsteps were fading.

"Let's go," Sirius said once Filch was out of earshot. He tore off the invisibility cloak and sprang up, taking his wand from his pocket. "We're going to be late meeting Rosmerta," he grumbled as he tapped the statue of the witch.

James groaned. "I didn't think of that." Madam Rosmerta, with her curly blonde hair and loud laugh and her uniform which showed off her curves, was a great favorite among the marauders. They had an unspoken, tacit competition among themselves to see who could win the barmaid's favor most often. As of now, Sirius was in the lead, with Remus as a close second.

They waited as the passage opened and then rushed inside. James stowed the invisibility cloak in his pocket as Sirius lit his wand.

"D'you know what we're getting at Honeydukes?" James asked.

"Mar gave me a list," Sirius nodded, producing from his pocket a slip of parchment covered in writing.

"Of course she did," James snorted.

They walked in silence for a minute and then James cleared his throat, glancing uneasily at Sirius. "So, er, about Marlene."

"What about her?" Sirius asked in a forced offhand voice, his shoulders tensing.

"What exactly is going on with you two now?" James asked, trying to keep his voice neutral. "You said before it wasn't anything much but it looks like—"

"Prongs, if I knew I'd tell you," Sirius answered. "I think she's my girlfriend. But she's never actually said as much and I don't really want to ask."

"Well why not?" James grumbled, running a hand through his hair. "It would make all our lives much easier if you just—"

"What if she says no?" Sirius said slowly. "I mean—I don't know—I know it looks like it's all—but then we've never actually done anything like—you know—like a—"

"Like a couple?"

"Exactly."

"Oh." James closed his mouth and adjusted his glasses, keeping his eyes on the ground in front of him. "Well, er, I suppose there's not much else to say."

"I suppose not," Sirius said.

"But," James looked up at Sirius, "I just—I'm okay with it. I know I wasn't always—enthusiastic—but—" he trailed off.

Sirius nodded clapped James on the shoulder, a small smile breaking out on his face. "Thanks, Prongs."

They arrived at Honeydukes soon after that and, after twenty minutes, had collected all the candy on Marlene's list. Afterwards they went to the Three Broomsticks to pick up the firewhiskey. Rosmerta, to James' dismay, offered Sirius a celebratory butterbeer and a kiss on the cheek. He sulked for the first half of the walk back to the castle through the passageway.

"Oh, cheer up, Prongs," Sirius said, smacking James on the shoulder. "I'm sure you'll get a kiss too on your birthday."

"I don't see why she couldn't have given me one today as well," James said, crossing his arms.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Are you really that upset about it? Come on, if you're this torn up about a kiss on the cheek we can stop here for a moment and I can give you one."

James glared at his best friend, but couldn't help a grin spreading over his face. "Nah," he said with a shake of his head, "I don't want a pity kiss from you, Padfoot. When you do kiss me I want it to be because you've finally come to appreciate my brilliance."

Sirius snorted. "Or, better yet," he said, waggling his eyebrows. "Maybe if Lily drinks enough firewhiskey tonight she'll do the honors for me."

James' grin disappeared. "Fat chance," he muttered.

"You said things were getting better with her," Sirius said.

"Yeah, better as in she will actually stand within five feet of me now," James said. "But I don't think she feels like—that—at all."

"Well she did at one point," Sirius murmured, nudging James in the arm. "There was at least one point in time when she liked you well enough to spend loads of time with you."

"It was over a year ago." James sighed. "And so much has happened since then."

"Prongs," Sirius said, his voice unusually sincere. He stopped in the middle of the passage and set down the crate of firewhiskey, reaching out and taking James by the shoulder. "Listen to me, feelings like that, feelings as strong as what you had for Lily and that she, I'm very confident, had for you, don't just go away."

"Sirius, were you not here last year?" James asked incredulously. "I'm pretty sure all feelings we had for each other were completely wiped out."

"But you still fancy her," Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Well that's different," James mumbled, turning away. "And I don't even fancy her that much! I just think she's fit. And smart. And wickedly funny."

"Mhm," Sirius murmured, rolling his eyes. "Sure. But, Prongs, my point is, if you still fancy her, even if it's not that much then who's to say she still doesn't fancy you a little bit too?"

"I'm saying it. She's made it very clear that we're just friends."

"Well, have you tried doing anything for her to make her change her mind?"

"Like what?"

Sirius threw his hands in the air. "Bloody hell, do I have to do everything here? I don't know, but just do something. Think of all those things you did for her at the beginning of last year—"

"But she hated me—"

"Merlin, you're thick," Sirius grumbled. "No wonder Lily doesn't want to go out with you. I'm amazed you got her to fancy you a year ago."

"I'm just saying," James began hotly.

"I know, I know, she hated you, you didn't speak at all last year, you're the reason her best friend called her the M word, blah blah blah," Sirius said in a bored voice. He stooped to pick up the crate of firewhiskey and gave James a pointed look as he began walking down the passage again. "All I'm saying is maybe just try to win her over again. Help her out when she needs it, give her things, don't act like a giant prat whenever she's around."

James nodded and sped up to catch up with Sirius. "Okay," he said. "I can do that. And what if that doesn't work?"

"Then you'll have to ask Remus for help."

James chuckled and nodded. After a pause he laughed again and said, "Padfoot, when did we become the type of blokes who talk about their feelings with each other?"

"I dunno, mate," Sirius answered, shaking his head. "But I think I need to go back to the dormitory and drink a bottle of firewhiskey and wrestle Wormtail to make up for it."

At eight o'clock sharp a knock echoed from the door of the boys' dormitory. James looked up to see Peter open it, revealing Lily, Marlene, Mary and Alice standing in the hallway, all grinning brightly.

"Hello!" Marlene called as she waltzed in the room.

"Hey, Marls," James answered, getting up from his bed and making his way towards the girls. "How goes it?"

"We're good, we're good," Marlene laughed. "I don't know about you lot but I cannot wait to open the firewhiskey."

"Of course you can't." James smiled wryly. "But we're going to wait for Sirius since this is, after all, his birthday party."

Marlene rolled her eyes and sat down on the floor, grabbing one of the many candy boxes and opening it.

James turned to greet the other girls but found them congregated around Peter. He watched as Lily threw her head back in laughter at something Alice said, the dark red waves rippling as her shoulders shook.

"James?"

He looked around and found Marlene still sitting on the ground, grinning up at him like a Cheshire cat.

"Sod off," he said, rumpling his hair.

Marlene said nothing more but continued grinning at him. James turned his back to her and went to join the other girls and Peter; he sincerely hoped Sirius and Remus would return soon so they could get started.

He only had to wait about five minutes before his two friends burst through the door, each one holding a large platter laden with all sorts of food.

"We convinced the house elves to contribute to our party," Remus said proudly, setting his tray down on the floor.

"Brilliant," James laughed. "And now that you two are here, shall we begin celebrating?"

Sirius took charge of the firewhiskey, conjuring goblets and pouring everybody healthy servings of the amber liquid. Remus sat next to Marlene and helped distribute the Honeydukes chocolate. Peter dug out the wireless and turned on a station playing the Weird Sisters.

When the music played at a level loud enough to satisfy Sirius and quiet enough to keep Alice convinced they wouldn't get caught, and when everybody held a glass of firewhiskey and a chocolate bar, they sat on the floor together, chatting merrily.

"I still can't believe you didn't invite us to go to the pub with you," Marlene pouted, addressing Sirius. "You know we would've had a brilliant time."

"Sorry, Marls," Sirius shrugged, throwing an arm around her shoulder. "Had to celebrate with the boys first. And I'd say this little party is more than enough to make up for it."

"The food's much better at this one," Peter piped up, taking a large bite out of his chocolate.

"Agreed," Remus nodded. "And I much prefer drinking in the comfort of our dorm than in a grimy pub filled with miscreants."

"I thought you all enjoyed the pub?" Sirius asked, looking rather wounded. "You weren't complaining when we were there."

"You know none of us would turn down a chance to go to the pub with you, Padfoot," James said. "But I'm with Pete and Remus; it's much nicer drinking in here with good food. And," he glanced around the group, his eyes lingering for a moment on Lily, who was fiddling with the wrapper of her Honeydukes bar, "good company."

They sat on the floor and talked for the better part of an hour as they all made their way through their drinks. Sirius seemed to be aiming to set a new personal record as he drained one, then two bottles of firewhiskey by himself. To James' surprise, Marlene appeared to be trying to keep up as she tipped back glass after glass. Alice held her own, sipping her drinks daintily. And Lily, to James' surprise, wasn't far behind Marlene. She wasn't as obvious about it as Marlene, but James couldn't help but notice the number of times she had to refill her goblet. And, of course, the pink flush rising in her cheeks and how her voice got higher and higher as she talked.

As the night went on their small party got rowdier. After nearly an hour and a half Remus had the idea to cast a soundproofing charm on the dormitory, so they wouldn't attract any unwanted attention from the music and the increased volume of conversation. After they'd all drunk several goblets of firewhiskey each, Lily picked up one of the empty bottles and announced they were going to play a muggle game called spin the bottle.

"We all sit in a circle," she instructed, falling rather gracelessly to her bum and giving them all a pointed stare until they followed suit. "And then put the bottle in the middle," she set the bottle down so it faced her, "and then you spin it like this." With a sharp thrust, she sent the bottle spinning round and round.

"And then what?" Peter asked, his small eyes brightened considerably from the alcohol.

"And I have to kiss whoever it lands on," Lily giggled, her eyes dropping to the spinning bottle, which was starting to slow down.

James sat up a bit straighter and focused intently on the bottle. It was almost stopping now. It was pointed at Mary, then at him—drat! It kept moving. It nearly stopped on Sirius and a number of horrific images of Lily snogging Sirius erupted in his mind. But then—oh, thank Merlin—it kept moving and landed on—

"Alice!" Lily shrieked, nearly falling backwards with laughter.

"Alice's face turned scarlet as she stared at the bottle, pointing directly at her. "Do we still have to—"

"Yes!" Lily cried, sitting up and grinning wildly. "That's how you play the game!"

Alice made a face, but crawled forward so she was inches away from Lily. Lily, after a fit of giggles, leaned close to Alice. When their noses were nearly touching she looked over her shoulder at Sirius and winked, saying, "You might want to take a picture, Black, because this might well be the best thing you'll ever witness."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Lily quickly moved forward and planted a kiss on Alice's cheek. Alice, whose face was practically steaming, visibly relaxed.

"And that's spin the bottle," Lily said, beaming around the circle.

"Lils, I don't think any of us will be able to beat that performance," Marlene giggled, taking a swig of firewhiskey and dribbling some down the front of her shirt. "I mean—hic—you and _Alice!_ "

"Well," Lily smirked, "I am a spin the bottle champion."

"Oh yeah?" Remus asked, one eyebrow raised and the corner of his mouth twitching. "You never told us that."

"You never asked," Lily sniffed.

"Yes we did," James said with mock solemnity. He hastily bit the inside of his cheek to stop a grin from spreading and widened his eyes innocently. "I asked you just a few weeks ago and you said you had never played before."

"I did not!" Lily cried, her eyes sparkling. "I did not say that, James Potter!"

The conversation erupted then, as Marlene and Mary both chirped that Lily had in fact said so, both of them barely able to get a word out through their laughter as Lily's face became redder and her voice became higher.

The night wore on and James meandered around the dormitory, laughing with Marlene and Sirius, playing a blitz round of exploding snap with Peter, and getting into a raging debate with Alice Fortescue over whether the Falmouth Falcons were going to beat Puddlemere United that year. After he and Alice agreed to simply acknowledge that neither one was going to back down from defending their team, James leaned against the wall and surveyed the scene around him. Marlene and Sirius had removed themselves to a corner of the room, taking turns drinking out of one of the remaining firewhiskey bottles. Alice and Remus had taken over the exploding snap game. James' head swiveled as he looked for Lily; he caught sight of her hair fanned out on the floor by the window. She was lying flat on her back next to Peter, her eyes shining and her face flushed as she talked animatedly.

James smiled to himself as he was inundated with memories of Lily's hair spread out just like that over Cokeworth grass, and how her eyes sparkled in the same way when she talked about her family and her friends and her hopes for the future. Even after last year, after losing her best friend and her sister and learning about blood supremacy, Lily hadn't lost that sparkle in her eye nor her light, bubbling laugh.

No, the only thing that made this scene different from the ones of last summer was that now he wasn't by her side.

"This is a nice party, Potter," a voice rang out beside him.

With a start, James tore his eyes from Lily and whipped around to find himself coming face to face with Mary MacDonald. "Thanks," he answered, running a hand through his hair. "My job was rather easy, though. I just had to go with Sirius to pick up the food and drinks."

"Well, you managed not to muck it up," Mary said with a wry smile. She paused, her gaze wandering to the person James had just been thinking about. Mary's expression clouded over and she bit her lip as she stared. "I'm glad she's happy," she whispered. James followed her gaze and saw Lily throwing her hands around in excitement, her fingers dancing to the sound of her laughter.

"Me too," he said quietly. He turned to Mary and added, "I'm glad both of you are."

"It's easy to forget about all the horrid things happening when you're surrounded by friends and have drunk enough firewhiskey," she shrugged. "But I meant in general. I'm glad Lily's happy. We were all a bit worried about her coming into this year, what with Snape turning out to be just as slimy a git as we thought and her sister freezing her out."

"And the fact I made her life so difficult last year," James supplied, understanding what Mary had left unsaid.

Mary raised an eyebrow but didn't contradict him "Yes, that too. Although," she gave him a sympathetic look and took a drink from her goblet, "I don't think anyone really blames you for that. And I've got to admit, you two are getting on famously this year."

"Yeah, well, I—" James paused, biting back the confession that was fighting to leave his mouth. "I guess we finally figured out how to be friends."

Mary nodded again and surveyed the room. "Well, I think I'm going to go crash Remus and Alice's game," she said, stepping away from him. "Maybe you can go see what's got Lily so wound up." With a small smile, she sauntered away.

James didn't move for a moment. He was debating furiously with himself over whether or not to approach Lily. On one hand, he reasoned, they were friends now, and rather good friends at that. It wouldn't seem suspicious at all for him to want to talk to her. On the other hand, though, approaching Lily after he had drunk more than his share of liquor and mere hours after he had admitted to Sirius he may still fancy her was dangerous. What if she didn't want to talk to him? Or, worse, what if he accidentally said something he shouldn't?

But then, he thought, what if everything was alright and they just had a nice conversation, punctuated by her pretty laughter and accented by her sparkling green eyes. It would be just like last summer.

"Sod it," James muttered, downing the rest of his whiskey and striding towards Peter and Lily as the warm liquid coursed through him.

"Hi P—hic—Prongs," Peter greeted James, giving him a small wave and sitting up slightly.

"Hey, Pete," James grinned, dropping to sit down between him and Lily. "Hi, Lilybean," he said, leaning over towards her.

"Hello, Jamesy," Lily said in a sing-song voice, smiling widely as though they were sharing some inside joke.

"What're you been doin' Prongsy?" Peter asked, flopping onto his back.

"I was just talking to Mary," James answered. "And she went to play exploding snap, so here I am with you two."

"There's exploding snap?" Peter shot up, wobbling a bit before he regained his balance. "Where?" he demanded.

James jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "Remus and Alice."

Without a word, Peter stumbled to his feet and teetered away, muttering about having to defend his title.

"I've never met someone so mad about exploding snap," James chuckled and shook his head.

"Mhm," Lily mumbled, having not moved through the entirety of James and Peter's exchange. "Me either."

"How're you, Lily?" James asked, leaning over her again and peering at her. "Are you alright?"

"'m fine." She pushed herself into a sitting position and gave James a pointed look. " _See?_ "

"Why don't we move so you can lean against something?" James suggested, taking her gently by the shoulder and turning her so that her back was now against Remus's bed. "Easier to sit up now?" he asked.

"Yes, much easier," Lily sighed, leaning back contentedly. "Thank you."

"Not a problem." James raised his hand to muss his hair but then stopped, remembering she didn't like it when he did that. "Er," he said, awkwardly bringing his hand down to his lap. "You having fun tonight?"

"Mhm," Lily sighed, turning to look at him. "But why are you so much better than me?"

"I—what?" James furrowed his brow in confusion.

"I can't hardly sit up and—and you're just perfect!" she said, gesturing towards him vaguely. "Like you've not drunk anything."

"Oh." James relaxed slightly. "I've just done this a bit more than you, Lilybean."

"Well it's not my fault I've not had the chance to practice." She stuck her tongue out and then grinned. "But maybe I'll be better soon."

"Maybe," James laughed. "But I don't know," he raised an eyebrow and dropped his voice to a tone of false seriousness, "if you can't handle yourself we might have to ban you from firewhiskey."

"You wouldn't," Lily gasped, her eyes going wide.

"Oh, we would," James nodded sagely. "We had to ban Sirius for a while."

"But—but—" Lily sputtered, "I'm _fine_ , James, honest."

James burst out laughing. "I'm just taking the mick, Lils," he chuckled. "You can have as much as you like. In fact, we encourage it."

"You prat!" Lily cried, smacking him in the shoulder. "You scared me."

"Oh, you're fine," James rolled his eyes.

"I'm fine but you're still a prat." Lily tossed her hair.

James laughed and moved so he was sitting beside her. "But really, Lily," he asked, putting an arm around her tentatively and smiling when she relaxed into him, "are you alright? I've never seen you like this."

"I said I'm fine," Lily mumbled through the curtain of hair that had fallen onto her face.

"Alright," James said. "I just wanted to ask. Because if you weren't alright you should tell me, you know that, right? Because we're mates now. And mates tell each other when they're not alright."

Lily didn't say anything. She reached up and tried unsuccessfully to brush the hair from her face, only managing to make it messier.

James watched her and finally reached out and brushed it from her face. "Better?"

"Much." She nodded and bit her lip. "James?"

"Yeah?" he asked, glancing down. Lily stared up at him, her eyes wide.

"I met Severus the other day," she blurted out. "Even though you said I shouldn't."

James raised his eyebrows and adjusted his glasses before clearing his throat. "You did?"

Lily nodded fervently and moved so she was leaning on his shoulder. "I did," she said quietly. "Remus did too. And—and you were right."

"I was?"

"I—I need to stop giving him chances."

James paused and then looked down again. Lily was staring at the floor, so all he could see was the top of her head. "Yeah," he murmured, tightening his arm around her. "You do."

"He took my bracelet," Lily mumbled.

"Your bracelet?" James asked, furrowing his brow. "What—oh." The bracelet. Of course, the charm bracelet. He remembered Lily showing it to him over the summer, beaming with excitement as she showed him the different charms and explained it had been a gift from her sister.

"He took it and he kept it," she went on, her voice wobbling. "And he only gave it back to try and make me talk to him again."

"I'm sorry, Lily." He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. "But you're not going to let him get to you anymore, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lily nodded against his shoulder. "Oh," she groaned. "And now I know he's the one who sent me that other bracelet last Christmas and now I can't wear it and I so do love that one—"

"Oh," James swallowed and chewed the inside of his cheek. "Er, Lily? Er—well—Snape didn't send you that—"

"What?" She shot up and stared at him, her green eyes almost glowing.

"Er—" James ran a hand through his hair and cursed himself inwardly. Bullocks. Why'd he have to go and say that. He felt his ears heat up and looked away hurriedly, staring at the floor. "That bracelet—I sent you that one—I—er—yeah." He ran his hand through his hair again and glanced at her.

Lily's eyes were as wide as dinner plates and her mouth was working furiously, though no words were coming out. "You—you?" she croaked.

"Er—yeah—me."

"But—but—" She stared at him. "Why?"

"Er—" James squirmed uncomfortably, his eyes not leaving the floor. His face felt as though it were on fire. "When you lost the other one you were so upset and—" he swallowed and turned to face her, taking confidence in the fact she hadn't gotten up and left yet. "I remembered you talking about that bracelet and how it was from your sister and—and when you lost it I just wanted help make it a little better. Even if we weren't friends then."

"Oh." Lily chewed on her lip and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Her face was scarlet.

James was about to tell her to forget it, that it was nearly a year ago and she could get rid of the bracelet if she wanted, when something soft collided with him.

"Thank you," Lily whispered as she hugged him, her hair covering his face. "I loved it."

"Er—you're welcome," James mumbled into the mass of red hair.

Lily detached herself and awkwardly sat back on the ground. James mussed his hair and looked uncomfortably around the room, trying to think of something to say to distract them both from what had happened.

He was spared the need to say anything by Marlene, who chose that moment to vomit rather loudly all over the floor.

"Mar!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping to his feet and picking her up.

"'m'lright," Marlene slurred.

"I think it's time for bed," Sirius said, setting Marlene down on a bed and summoning a rubbish bin with a flick of his wand.

Sirius got Marlene in bed and James watched as Lily got up and went over to her friend, tying Marlene's hair back and whispering.

James, after a moment, got to his feet and walked over to Sirius, who was laying down on the ground at the foot of his bed.

"Had a good party, Padfoot?"

"The best," Sirius mumbled. "Couldn't be better. H'bout you?"

"Pretty good," James nodded, glancing at Lily, who was now laying next to Mary MacDonald on the floor and attempting to enlarge one of Peter's pillows. "In fact, might've been one of the best nights I've had in a while."


End file.
